ShatteredDreams Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) But then I get a dream that seemed so realistic of us being back together in happier times. And I woke up feeling very dead and empty inside. These past months I've been working out, getting into shape, liking the way I look (the relationship was stressful to the point I gained about 100 pounds and a lot of grey hairs at age 20). My ex showed every sign of BPD I read in these forums. But I know I made things worse. Being from a Muslim family, I had to hide her and our relationship from my family for the 2 years and 5 months together, which really hurt her self-esteem and made her paranoid because I pretty much had a double life. I blame myself. As she started making me feel stupid and worthless over small things, I overreacted, instead of just sitting down and telling her she is hurting my feelings. My temper spiraled out of control. I couldn't take it that I was trying to make things work and all she did was accuse me of liking another girl, possibly being a homosexual, etc. Then I was extremely cruel to her, called her a psycho b**ch, told her I had feelings for someone else and I fantasized about them during sex, called her gay brother a f*g, and made her cry. I have anger issues and possibly more, my psychologist was not that helpful.... When she called back the next day and tried to resume normal conversation (acting all cheery and stuff), I was mean. She called back saying we shouldn't talk or see each other anymore. I said okay whatever.... Then I ignored her for 2 weeks or called her to tell her I want my things back, the money she owes me, etc. Then I see a picture of her on a volunteering trip with some guy, I get mad and text her "Whore" a bunch of times. Then I went to her dorm. Her brother and his friend was there at the door waiting for her to open it as well, she opens and lets them in and then slams the door on me. She opens it to give me back my laptop, I then threw our prom pictures, the birthday and anniversary cards, and some other things she gave me all over the floor and leave. She smiled and said "Okay." Then she hooked up with my best friend, whom she had feelings for since our second year anniversary, for at least 5 months. I have no idea whether they were seeing each other behind my back (they both live in the campus dorms and I'm a 30 minute drive away). I don't know what to do anymore. I don't trust anyone. I miss her so much. She was my first love, and the only person I was ever able to love, the only girl that gave me a feeling inside when we spoke for the first time that no other girl gave me. I miss her so much and still wake up feeling really sad, but today was the worst, I had a huge break down. I've read stories here of people going through things a lot worse...and I feel so stupid for feeling the way I do. Edited July 14, 2011 by ShatteredDreams
fallenenvy Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 It sucks when it is so hard to get over someone... I can say i had the same experiance once. I had had NC with a guy for months and then had a dream... woke up crying... It brought back all kinda of memories. I will say it gets better with time.. HOWEVER there is the possibility that you will never be fully over someone. I see my ex's pictures or hear news from them from time to time.. guys i havnt dated in years.. and sometimes.. it still hurts just a bit... and i remember things about them. Heres the tricky part though, what you need to remember is that you broke up for a reason.. you guys were cruel to each other for various reasons. Sounds like you both did things wrong therefor you need to let it be. You need to stop idolizing anything about the relationship if you miss her remember the feelings that made you call her a whore and ignore her etc. I feel for you.. i really do. I know it's painful and you shouldn't feel stupid. The best thing you can do is continue to not deal with her... and the dreams... well... you just need to let them go.. as hard as that is. You will get over it even if it doesnt feel like it right now. Good luck to you hun ~Fallen
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