Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I've tried to tell people and they just don't understand, so I've come to this site hoping for some positive advice. My girlfriend and I met in July 2008. We started talking more often and started dating on August 10 2008. It was a long distance relationship(about 45-60 minutes apart) but we managed. I've made some terrible mistakes in our relationship and I regret them all but ever since she has forgiven me for them. I don't want to be told that "Oh you'll just get over her and meet someone else". I'm not into that. I get too attached to people and then when they leave me it feels like part of me is being ripped out of me. I can't even begin to describe the feelings I had for her. Sure, we fought some times but who doesn't. We'd always overcome all the challenges and obstacles that life through at us. This past week we went to Kenny Wood together(Amusement Park in PA.) and we got into an argument. My family never sees her side of the story and thinks that she makes me miserable because I get upset when we fight. I hate to fight with people. She thinks that they hate her and they don't. They just think that she causes me pain when she doesn't. We went to Kenny Wood on July 9, one day before our mini anniversary I guess you could call it. We celebrate every tenth because that was the date we got together. At 12:00AM I told her Happy Anniversary and she didn't seem too happy at all. So when she got home I called her and she was crying on the phone begging me to leave her. And I didn't know what to do because she was never so upset before and I tried to comfort her and assure her my family loves her just like I love her. After I woke up I called her immediately and she broke up with me. It was exactly one month from 3 years. She was my first love and we were always talking about getting married in the future and etc. I tried to ask her why and she kept saying "Because your family pushed me over the edge and I'm not in love with you anymore". Ever since I've been trying and trying to fix this and nothing I do seems to work. I know I need to give her her space and not talk to her for awhile, but it's just so hard having that one person that you love with all your heart just walk out of your life. I told her I was always going to love her and wait for her as long as it takes. I'd do anything for her. And I just want to fix things and have everything go back. We were so happy together.
geegirl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 What is the positive advice you need? That she will fall back in love with you? You may want to fix things but does she? It looks like she doesn't have it within her anymore to give you what you want. Most likely, it's not your family that's made her fall out of love with you. She's fallen out of love with you because her feelings have changed. "We were so happy together." Great. That was before. Relationships change, sometimes for the good and something for the worse. You can't have happy again if the other person doesn't feel the same way. Can't clap with one hand. We all understand. You don't because you are in denial and full of hope. What do you want us to tell you? It will all be okay and you should badger her to get back with you again? She has to willingly want to be with you and want to work things out. You can't force her. You value the R differently than she does. If you really want to try something that could maybe give it a chance, then you need to cut complete contact. She can't miss you and the value of you if you keep badgering her. It will only push her away even further.
lonelynyc Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 The hardest and most important thing that you have to do is admit to yourself that you were not in a completely happy relationship. She wouldn't have broken it off with you if she was happy. Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking things are working when all the signs suggest otherwise. I was stunned when my ex broke up with me because several days earlier we had a nice date together, and everything seemed tranquil on the surface... I ignored the fact that she was clearly in pain on the days leading up to that. You mentioned here that you did some terrible things a while back and she forgave you... I might be projecting here due to a similar situation with my ex, but sometimes when a woman tells you she has forgiven something and wants to move past it, it's simply not true. Maybe she wanted to forgive you and try to make things work, but eventually didn't have it in her to let go and be happy with you. Out of curiosity, what did you do? As for your family, that sounds like a cop out. I'm sure her relationship with them hasn't helped, but I doubt it was the deciding factor. If you let her be, you will probably hear from her eventually. Be forewarned though, when you finally do hear from her, she might come looking for a friendship not something romantic anymore. Until you can learn to imagine a world where you are not together romantically, do not speak with her (I'm currently attempting the same thing).
Mack05 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) I don't want to be told that "Oh you'll just get over her and meet someone else". I'm not into that. I get too attached to people and then when they leave me it feels like part of me is being ripped out of me. You have to respect her right to move on. I agree with Gee, I wouldn't focus on the family thing too much. The one line I would focus on is "I'm not in love with you anymore". When a special relationship ends and you are not the one to end it, then it's a devastating blow to take. Family tend to use the line "Oh you'll just get over her and meet someone else" to try cheer us up, but it's not that easy. The only chance you have (and it probably is a very small chance) is to give her space. Do not contact her until she is ready to talk. You were nearly three years together, so I would be very surprised if you don't hear from her again. I think she will make contact, but I don't think she will want you back. Use this time in a positive way. You said you made mistakes.You need to figure out why you made those mistakes. Are you 100% sure that you won't make similar mistakes again in the future? Sometimes (naively) we can make all the best intention promises in the world, when we are desperate but these promises are easily broken if we don't get to the root of what caused us to make the mistakes in the first place. This is normally something in our lives we haven't dealt with correctly. You need to use this time to get to the route of the problem. Feeling guilty and apologising is not enough..You have to show her something different. Also talk through with your family honestly about the relationship. Listen to their opinion of your ex and have them listen to your feelings. You need to get this sorted otherwise they will always take your side and your next girlfriend will feel just as frustrated and alienated as your ex did. For me a new rule of thumb is never discuss relationship problems with family, that's what friends are for. Family should never get between two people and I would never want my family to take sides or look down on my partner. This is a lesson you need to learn going forward. If you can work on making those changes, maybe there is a small chance she will want to try again. The reality is that the damage is done and in my experience when a woman puts an emotional wall around their hearts, it ain't ever coming down. At some stage you will need to accept that she is gone or you will probably end up suffering from depression after months/years chasing a lost cause. If you love her like you say you do, then let her go and let her live her life. She deserves to be happy and you have to respect the fact she believes her happiness lyes away from you.. Edited July 14, 2011 by Mack05
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 @Mack05 I do respect her that she wants to move on. She told me she wants a new adventure in her life. I worked harder than anything when I met her so this could work out. I made as much time as possible to see her because it was long distance. I've tried to give her her space with the No Contact thing but l'm so used to always talking to her and stuff it just doesn't work. I give up on trying to not talk to her. And yes it was almost 3 years. I had intentions for it to be much longer but I guess, like she said, things don't last forever like I thought they could.
Mack05 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) I'd do anything for her. And I just want to fix things and have everything go back. We were so happy together. One of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world is a feeling of losing control. No matter what you say or do, there is nothing you can do to change their minds. Mate you guys are so young. This generation is not like the generation before us. Go to High school/college marry your childhood sweetheart and settle down. These days people want to enjoy their 20's and have as much new experiences (travel/partying/volunteering abroad/personal achievments/careers) as possible. Read your quote above. You need to try gain acceptance that you were (Past tense) so happy together and that there is nothing you can do anymore. You can't go back. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and make sure you never repeat them going forward..Wish you ex well and leave her go...When I was where you were right now, I would read the serenity prayer everytime I wanted to break NC.. God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.. Edited July 14, 2011 by Mack05
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 @Mack05 I can't. I have tried no contact. I honest to god can't. It just eats at me until I contact her.
geegirl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 @Mack05 I can't. I have tried no contact. I honest to god can't. It just eats at me until I contact her. I can't is not an excuse. Everyone of us on this forum has struggled through NC. Until you realize that there is no more hope and you realize that the pain of not talking to her is much more tolerable than the aftermath of contact, then and only then you will stick with NC. For now, you are hopeful and in denial. You will stay contact until you realize it's too painful for you and the outcome is bleak. When the pain of wanting to contact her eats at you, the thing to do is not react. Contacting is a temporary bandaid. It soothes you just for a little while. Then the discomfort comes back again. Then you contact again. Like a drug addict. You can't find comfort from her. She is your source of pain. The relief is very short lived. Then you keep going back for more. But for what. You gain nothing out of it. Just a dead end. A vicious cycle. What would happen if you contacted and you found out she was seeing someone else? Then she told you she can't have contact with you anymore or that she didn't want to talk to you because her boyfriend doesn't like it? What would you do then? Go NC or keep badgering her? Why is this different? She is not in love with you anymore. Keeping in contact is your way of trying to keep hope and love alive. Let go.
Mack05 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 @Mack05 I can't. I have tried no contact. I honest to god can't. It just eats at me until I contact her. In this case try to see where she is coming from...By contacting her you are 1) Not respecting her (One of the worst things you can do to a woman is show her disrespect). 2) You are giving her more and more belief that she was right to end it with you. Driving her further and further away. Right now that is what you are doing.. 3) At some stage you are going to start to scare her and there is a chance the police could get involved.. 4) She will start to dislike you more and more and may even regret ever being with you. 5) Her friends and family will be telling her my god you were so right to leave him.. 6) You will eventually start to look pathetic in her eyes..If you haven't already 7) Proving to her just how selfish you are.. 8) Showing her that you have no self respect or dignity.. I mean is that how you want to view her. Is that how you want to get her back! Pesturing the poor girl to death. And what if your crazy behaviour somehow worked! (which it never would). Would the fact she said I am no longer in love with you, just disappear to the back of your mind! Right now you are drug addict. Your are addicted to this girl. You are reaching out to her, like a druggie looking for a shot of heroin. Any sensible person will tell you that heroin is bad for you but you don't care you need a shot..The more you do it and ignore the advice given the more and more damage you do to yourself and the more damage you do to her opinion of you. I wrote a thread about this process -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281521/ I urge two things from you.... 1) LEAVE HER ALONE.... 2) Buy this book -> http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your.../dp/0553382497
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 I hate giving up. I hate just throwing everything we had away. I never give up on stuff. And you're probably right contacting her is just going to keep hurting me. And then one day I'm going to realize she's never coming back. Quote "What would happen if you contacted and you found out she was seeing someone else? Then she told you she can't have contact with you anymore or that she didn't want to talk to you because her boyfriend doesn't like it? What would you do then? Go NC or keep badgering her? Why is this different? She is not in love with you anymore. Keeping in contact is your way of trying to keep hope and love alive. Let go." When we were together she always talked to other guys who were her friends. I guess if she told me that that at that moment I would realize that it's over and nothing is going to come back. I just can't get myself to realize that I have to stop talking to her.
geegirl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Jeremy, When we break up, most times, one party is still emotionally invested and wanting to work on things. The other party has checked out. You can't work on a relationship that requires two people when you only have one available. You're not giving up. There is nothing to give up on. She's not invested anymore. But when someone tells you that they are not in love with you anymore, it means the relationship is over. Stop grasping at straws. A relationship requires the love of two people, not just one. Without the two of you, there is no relationship. You're going to drive her away. I swear to you. Nothing is more unattractive than someone grovelling and begging to be loved. And it's especially unattractive when the ex is not in love with you anymore.
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 @Mack05 I read that article you wrote and I know it's going to be tough but I'm going to try to stop talking to her. My question to you is if I drop all contact with her(phone,facebook,email,real life confrontation, etc), and she contacts me should I just ignore me and continue NC? I hate ignoring people, but I'm going to try to find something to keep me busy so I don't have to worry about her. I don't know what to do but I'm going to find something. @geegirl I know it's driving her away but I just can't bring myself to leave her alone. And I know a relationship takes two people, I just thought maybe she would change her mind one day, whether now or in the future.
Mack05 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I like the attitude of not giving up in life. But this attitude is not always prudent in relationships. Hypothetical situation. Say I was in a 3 year relationship with Geegirl and you were a great friend in common. Lets say I spoke to you first.. "Jeremy, I spent 3 years together with her. I love her with all my heart. I would do anything to be with her. I will change for her. I will never make those mistakes again. I can't leave her go. I can't. I can't just give up!! it goes against everything I believe in. Jeremy I can't eat, I can't sleep. My work is suffering. My family are telling me to move on but I can't. Listen Jeremy she won't take my calls and has blocked me from everything. Will you call her for me?" So you see your friend in a desperate state and decide to call Geegirl on my behalf. You tell her I am a mess and then Geegirl breaks down crying and says... "I'm sorry Jeremy, I just don't feel the same way about Mack anymore. He has hurt me too much and I know in my heart that I will never forgive him. I just don't love him anymore. Plus, I want to do so many new things with my life. To be honest I haven't been happy in the relationship for awhile. He won't leave me alone. I am starting to get scared. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I cry all night. I am scared he is going to do something crazy. I have booked a 2 weeks holiday to get some distance with a friend. I am a mess Jeremy. I have never been this sad. I just want him to leave me alone and let me get on with my life. I'm sorry he is hurting I really am. I do feel guilty about ending it, but how long is he going to make me suffer. I just wasn't happy. I just wasn't happy. I am starting to get afraid to leave me own house. If he keeps this up I am going to go to the police. I need to go"... Jeremy tell me, what advice would you give me after I called you asking how it went?
Mack05 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 If she breaks NC. Only you can decide what's best to do...If it will help you get closure for yourself and/or you want to wish her well in her life then meet up. If you believe it will severely effect your healing and you are going to act crazy if/when you see her then you don't reply..
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Before I answer your question, I would NEVER in my life hurt her. I am not a violent person. Never was. I would tell you that she doesn't love you anymore and that to just let her go. Because why be with someone who doesn't love you. Maybe in the future you guys will be together again but for right now you need to just let her go. Now that would be easy for me to say because I didn't lose her, but I understand what you're saying.
Mack05 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Before I answer your question, I would NEVER in my life hurt her. I am not a violent person. Never was. I would tell you that she doesn't love you anymore and that to just let her go. Because why be with someone who doesn't love you. Maybe in the future you guys will be together again but for right now you need to just let her go. Now that would be easy for me to say because I didn't lose her, but I understand what you're saying. Again your not putting yourself in her shoes. I have no doubt, you would not hurt your ex. But now she see's this guy that won't leave her alone. If you keep going down this path, you are going to start to scare her and she is going to think that she doesn't know you and that you are capable of anything..Doesn't matter how good your intentions are, you are going to end up scaring this girl. The correct advice to give me is not "Maybe in the future you guys will be together". The correct advice is she doesn't deserve this. Let her go mate. She deserves to find happiness and if you feel anything for her then respect her wishes...
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 I'm trying the NC right now. It's only been a few hours but I think I can do it. But quick question. Am I suppose to say "I don't think we should talk anymore until we're ready to" or something like that OR am I supposed to just completely ignore her?
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 And It's just so hard to leave this all behind. All the memories we had together. All the things we did together and places we went. I just can't bring myself to forget all that. I never will.
Casablanca Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 And It's just so hard to leave this all behind. All the memories we had together. All the things we did together and places we went. I just can't bring myself to forget all that. I never will. It gets better...there have been at least 4 if not more times where I thought I would never meet anyone again, that the person I liked/loved the most could never be replaced, but it has always happened...and I know it will happen again...the more times relationships don't work out, the easier it is to cope with it because you know more are to come your way. It sucks and is painful, and you can't just make the hurt go away, but it will go away and you will meet someone else....there are billions of women out there.
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 I thought that her and I were perfect for each other in every way possible. We got a long great and everything. I don't want to have a bunch of girlfriends. I want to like meet someone and I don't know how to explain it. I thought she was the one.
Casablanca Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I thought that her and I were perfect for each other in every way possible. We got a long great and everything. I don't want to have a bunch of girlfriends. I want to like meet someone and I don't know how to explain it. I thought she was the one. Been there done that....there is one that I consider the one that got away, and yeah I hope the person I date turns out to be the one, and I just keep trying...I've met many an awesome girls over the years and dated a few of them; I know my time will come, just not sure when. My friends are great and they keep me happy, I dont need a girl to make me happy, but I sure would like one to have that special bond with...until then I continue the search I of course am self sacrificing at times and sometimes I like to have a reason to complain and bitch...being dumped gives me that opportunity to vent some steam (not that I like being dumped and this last bit of words make no sense, but I typed them anyway)
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 I just feel like we were meant to me and stuff like that. I don't have many friends(She was my bestfriend as well as my girlfriend). So she was sort of both my friend and girlfriend. I feel that we belong and I know that what I think will not change the reality that she's gone. I just had so much hope that we could make something out of this relationship, and now it's all gone...
geegirl Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I just feel like we were meant to me and stuff like that. I don't have many friends(She was my bestfriend as well as my girlfriend). So she was sort of both my friend and girlfriend. I feel that we belong and I know that what I think will not change the reality that she's gone. I just had so much hope that we could make something out of this relationship, and now it's all gone... That is why you must always have a life outside of your partner. If you make them the center of your world, what happens when they go? You are left with nothing but a gaping hole. No friends, no social life, no support system, no life. Never ever, be an extension of someone else. You must always cultivate and develop yourself outside of your partner. It's time to go out there and make friends. She's not going to be the onl y friend or girlfriend, although it may seem like it is now. But trust me. Step out of your little box and extend yourself. It will take time. You need to respect her decision, find your pride and dignity, and move forward towards wanting to heal versus showing her how weak and dependent you are. Trust me if she met a guy now that was hard to get, she will be chasing him round the block. The more you chase, the more she runs. Do yourself a favor and stop sabotaging yourself.
Author Jeremy08 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I didn't intend on her going. I felt like she was all that I needed. And I haven't talked to in about 4 hours of doing the NC. So I'm going to try to just stop talking to her for good and I'm going to try to convince myself that she doesn't love me or want me so I can just forget about her.
geegirl Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I didn't intend on her going. I felt like she was all that I needed. And I haven't talked to in about 4 hours of doing the NC. So I'm going to try to just stop talking to her for good and I'm going to try to convince myself that she doesn't love me or want me so I can just forget about her. We all don't intend on our exs leaving Jeremy. But they do. Mine promised a life growing old together. But he left. That is the risk of relationships. Love is not a contract. Anything can happen. Whenever you feel that hopelessness and anxiety coming on, step back, breathe and rationalize using your brain. Don't react to the bad feelings. They will pass. They will come in waves. You have to feel it to get through it. You will go up and down. The thing is to never react but to be still. Whenever I wanted to break contact during the first few days of the breakup, I would scream in my head to stop and then rationally talk to myself. I would close my eyes, breathe and tell myself to be still, be still, be still. I would take deep breaths, calm myself down and soon the feeling would pass and my brain will take charge. When you feel weak, pick up a book and read and don't feed the bad emotion. Go for a walk. Call a friend or text them what you want to say to her. When you are romantisizing her, remember the words she said to you about not loving you anymore. You have to feel the discomfort to get past it.
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