HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Been seeing a great guy in the military for about 7 months (call him A) now but we have not defined the relationship due to his lifestyle at this time. Met a nice guy (call him B) a few weekends ago briefly who happens to be in the same program as the guy I am seeing. Dilemma: They do not know one another very well but defiantly spend a lot of time together due their training. My friend thought that my relationship with A was pretty much over and gave B my number when he asked for it. I went out with A again and things were actually pretty good. Then B texted to say hi and it was nice to meet me and then he texted again to ask me out. I guess I'm intrigued by B, but still involved and really care for A. I know this should be easy and I should just tell B i'm not interested but at least he's open about wanted to see me where as A is a closed book sometimes. What do you guys think? Is this a no brainer and I should focus on A when he is around? What do I do with these feelings of "intrigue" for this other guy? If it were any other man not in A's program I would be all about getting to know him, but with A and B in such close quarters I risk ruining my chances with A for good. Why are we so drawn to risk sometimes?
Nexus One Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Ask A first where you guys stand. If he says: "I can't give you anything right now, but if you wait for me, then I'll be there for you once I can". Then ask yourself the question if you want to wait for him and if you think he's sincere in that. If A says it's over or says it would be better for you to date someone else, then he will basically give you a green light to date B. I'm puzzled though, doesn't B have the same problem as A? Their jobs take a lot of their time, time they can't spend with you. Are you sure you want to date guys that are in such a position?
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Well A and B are in the same program but are different levels. A is "higher up" than B, so his training is more risk based then B. B still won't have a lot of time either. Honestly, what they do.... it works for me. I am very busy myself and do not need a guy that is calling, texting, and upset that I don't have a lot of free time for them. Sounds strange I know. Just wish they weren't in the same program at the same time....like I said otherwise I really wouldn't have any issues getting to know B. A has told me that he wishes he had more time for me. It's hard to explain to other's that don't know or understand what they are going through. I guess the fact that I even feel this guilt should awnser my questions. Now if I was to let B know that I wasn't interested what is the best, kindest and nicest way to do so? They are stressed all week and I hate to be a let down, according to my friends he was really looking forward to getting to at least know me better.
Nexus One Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Does A want you to wait for him? Have you asked him if that's what he wants?
Imajerk17 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 If you decide to stay with A, tell B that you are flattered, but you are right now trying to work things out again with someone else. Tell him you will let him know if anything changes.
Nexus One Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Hey wait a minute...I just realized that you might be considering to cheat on A with B, but that you see an issue and that is that A and B know each other and are in the same program. Is that true or am I off here? Either way there should be clarity, you can't just assume it's over because your friend thinks it's "basically over". Guy A is not telepathic and either should get clarity from you on this or he himself should give clarity on where you guys stand. That's why I thought the best course of action would be to ask him what the status is of your relationship, i.e. where you guys stand. Because if you start dating B and A didn't realize that the relationship was over, then A will consider that as cheating and he just might go looking for B. Worst case scenario...as there are lethal weapons in the military...well you do the math.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 No No No...I would never cheat on A. We have never defined our relationship and when we do talk about it he does say that it hurts him that he can't offer me much right now. If I thought I would be cheating I would never even consider B an option and wouldn't be on here second guessing anything. Problem is I can't really discuss our relationship, needing clarification, etc. with A right now and I couldn't do it with B either down the road. Again, I know it's hard to understand.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 well yeah that's just it....A knows we haven't DTR, but I don't want to mess with their program and as one is higher up than the other it could be a conflict of interest no matter what happens, just the fact that we have talked could be an issue between these two guys. Ok Nexus....how do I let B down. I don't want to lose my chances with A in the future. B will be moving after the program ends in a few months but A will stay where I am.
Nexus One Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Yeah pretty hard to understand. That's why I still don't know why you would purposefully go for guys in such a position. Why not date a busy guy with a local job or local business? Then you'd both be busy, but at least those guys are at home in the evenings and weekends for you to talk to about things. At the very least you'd be able to define a relationship. In my opinion you're making it very hard on yourself. Edited July 14, 2011 by Nexus One
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Hey these guys need love too....right...hahaha. It's certainly not for the faint of heart or the average girl that is even a little needy. Like I said it works just wish the guys weren't in the same program. Hahaha. I guess I'll tell B, I'm flattered but in a complicated situation and need to work somethings out.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Yup and that is why I need to be savvy about how I let down B. I was thinking of saying. Hi B, I'm flattered but I don't think it's a good time for me to get to know someone new. Hope you have a fun weekend! How does that sound to you guys?
Nexus One Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Hi B, I'm flattered but I don't think it's a good time for me to get to know someone new. Hope you have a fun weekend! How does that sound to you guys? I think saying it like that is a bad idea, because if suddenly guy C comes along and you start dating C, because he's not in the same program as A, then B might hear about it and think back about the message you sent him and he might think that you rejected him for another reason than you told him. There has to be a better way to convey this to him, but I haven't thought of one yet. Hahaha, this is starting to sound like a math problem. Edited July 14, 2011 by Nexus One
Imajerk17 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Yup and that is why I need to be savvy about how I let down B. I was thinking of saying. Hi B, I'm flattered but I don't think it's a good time for me to get to know someone new. Hope you have a fun weekend! How does that sound to you guys? "Hey B, I am flattered but I am in a situation that is kind of complicated, so I'm afraid am going to have to pass now. Thanks anyway!" Edited July 14, 2011 by Imajerk17
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Thanks Nexus but I am not good at dating multiple people (if you can't tell) haha. There won't be a C. I think if I make this decision, then I am going to focus on A, even if we haven't talked about the relationship. When his training is over we will discuss but I want to give it a fair, honest, devoted shot! Thank you for the advice!!! It's great having this resource because you can really write the scenario out.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 My reply: Hi B I'm flattered and you seem like a great guy. To be honest it's not good timing for me right now. I have a few crazy weeks coming ahead and somethings have come up. I'm sure you understand. Hope you have a great weekend! Done and done...no math here
Hot Chick Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Aren't you worried that A & B will talk about you to each other (Hey there's this awesome woman I'm seeing...) or they haven't already? If a guy like Guy A told me "I'm sorry I don't have much to give to you right now" and you haven't defined your relationship, then I would interpret that as "we are not exclusive and you can go ahead and date others." What if he gets finished with training and decides he doesn't want an exclusive relationship with you? Then you wasted all the time not dating others.
Author HeartOnSleeve Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Well if A and B talk, there's not much to say at this point and that is why I have chosen to tell B that I am not interested. I met B once, he got my number (that I didn't give to him direclty, a friend did)...texted me...I left an open response, he texted me today about this weekend and I said what I just posted. I didn't even go out with B or lead him on. "waiting" for A is a risk i'm willing to take at this point. Jeprodizing it by seeing someone so close to him is not a risk I am willing to take at this time. You are right we are not committed but it's a tough situation to understand, I get that. I could potentially date someone else but out of respect I think I should stay away from his program ....agreed!? hehe
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