shoey Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Rather than write a super long story about my relationship, I figured it'd be easier for all of us if I just asked this: Has any relationship in which you have doubted the quality of your partner after knowing them for a while (1yr+) worked out in the long run? Greatly abridged situation: I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year and it's been really fun and fulfilling, but now that I look back on everything I am realizing how one sided this relationship is. I have put in loads more effort than her. With that said and with the way she treats me poorly at times I am quick to want to let her go, but I feel like I can't. She has quite severe anxiety, moderate depression, and recently diagnosed bipolar-ism. She's told me she'd die without me, but quite a lot of the time she doesn't treat me with the decency I feel I deserve considering she says she loves me and I love her. I believe that these times may truly be the cause of her disorders, yet it really drains me mentally when she does this. There are other qualities of her's that I don't appreciate, and now that I'm at this point I wonder how I haven't broken up with her before, but again it's hard for me to considering my attachment for her and my fear of what may happen to her if I do. So my secondary question is: How do I leave a relationship where I feel emotionally needed?
AngelDollFace Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 Hi Well... I can't answer this 100%... nobody can, but I can tell you of my experience. I am a female. I dated someone for a year and a half recently and I really cared about him and loved him. He didn't always treat me well... quite badly actually... irrationally blamed me for things that weren't my fault and said I was terrible to him, etc. I was always there for him... gave 200% but it was never enough. I stuck with him because I loved him and I realized he must have borderline personality disorder (another disorder in the family of bi-polar). These people aren't normal like we are... the irrational behavior is completely acceptable to them and they just don't get it. Anyhow... I understood this about him and so I stayed with him. I really felt like I was strong enough for both of us... In the end what happened to me is what will happened to you... he dumped me... yep he really dumped me... unexpectedly told me one day that he just wasn't feeling it... these people don't form the same kind of attachments we do and they may act and feel like they need us but the truth is they are like energy vampires eager to suck the life out of the next victim (subconsciously). She will eventually dump you and walk away like she never knew you and move on immediately with some random guy and you'll be left reeling and wondering how she could leave you after you accepted so much hurt and frustration from her and had forgiven her of so much. I can pretty much guarantee this is what will happen, unfortunately. It's happened to me TWICE NOW with two different men in my lifetime. And finally: How do you have a relationship where you feel emotionally needed: You have that relationship with another healthy person who views you as someone deserving of love and respect rather than another soul to suck the life out of and move on. It's very, very hard to leave these kind of people. They break up with you and you feel so hurt and want them back so much... it's so hard to accept that even though you loved them so much they wouldn't give that love back... but it's a deep dark hole and we have to dig our way out of it. There are support groups for people getting out of relationships with people who have borderline or bipolar personality disorder. She sounds borderline to me. Leave her. She'll be fine. She won't kill herself. But prepare yourself... she'll move on quickly.
Rinas Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I started doubting my relationship with my ex earlier on in the relationship. I thought that it would just by pass. These doubts are there for a reason! I stayed in the RS like a fool, and it carried on for nearly 6 years. I had numerous doubts near the end, and that's when I knew it was done. If you feel that something isn't right, you don't feel the same, it's best to cut your losses. The most important emotions right now are your own. Do what's best for you. If you're not feeling it for her, let her go.
Author shoey Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 Really appreciate the thoughtful responses. To AngelDollFace, I feel like her poor qualities stem from her immaturity. I really think that she will grow out of them, and as she leaves those qualities behind her, her personality disorders will also fade. I guess time will tell, but I just can't justify leaving her right now for some reason. To Rinas, I am sorry about your lost time, but your story has helped me decide that I do need to do what I want. I can't live my life for others (at least in relationships). So thank you as well! Always welcome to more feedback!
sleepykitten Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I know from experience that these sort of relationships rarely work out-even her saying"she will die without you" manipulative, making you feel needed, and will question yourself if you want to leave her. She knows exactly whats she is doing saying these things. If you are having these doubts leave. You hit the nail on the head when you said have to live your life for yourself, some people stay in destructive needy clingy codependent relationships for yrs and yrs and yrs before they realise any of this. Its tough but ultimatly you need to do whats right for you, be honest and decent but i would leave...well I would try but I know how hard it is when you are so emeshed and entangled in emotions.
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I had a boyfriend similar to your girlfriend in college. He definitely gave his all in the relationship - there was no problem there - but he frequently told me how I was the only good things in his life, he would die without me, if I ever left him he'd go crazy, etc. This is NOT healthy or ok. We were in our late teens when we met and as we grew and changed I no longer had the same feelings for him. When I expressed this change in feelings, he would freak out. It left me scared and feeling like I "shouldn't" leave him. When he "proposed" to me was when alarm bells went off. I broke it off. And I'm not saying this to try and scare you but...he threatened (and might have even attempted) suicide. It was the worst time in my life so far. But, years later, I am absolutely, 100% certain that I made the right decision. I would have been absolutely miserable if I stayed with him, and would have closed the door on the great relationships I've had since.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I know from experience that these sort of relationships rarely work out-even her saying"she will die without you" manipulative, making you feel needed, and will question yourself if you want to leave her. She knows exactly whats she is doing saying these things. If you are having these doubts leave. You hit the nail on the head when you said have to live your life for yourself, some people stay in destructive needy clingy codependent relationships for yrs and yrs and yrs before they realise any of this. Its tough but ultimatly you need to do whats right for you, be honest and decent but i would leave...well I would try but I know how hard it is when you are so emeshed and entangled in emotions. Exactly. To add to this, he will never change until she has to, which is when you leave. You wont understand how much better you will feel until you let her go. She just wants he attention, she wont really fall apart when you leave, so dont worry about her. You have to do whats right for you, she has to fend for herself.
NoReallyThatHappened Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 Famous last words! Dude, she may never change. Personality disorders are there for life and many are extremely hard to treat. Furthermore, many of these patients will never acknowledge they have issues. I've been there done that with a woman that tried very hard to change and in the end always reverted back to her natural state. All of us have a personality and the core of this personality (whether good or pathological) remains more or less the same for a lifetime. This. People do not "grow out" of mental illness, especially not the serious ones. They are there for life. You do not "mature" out of being bipolar. It's medication for LIFE and often very difficult to manage over the course of the disease. What you see is what you get with this one. With the right meds and management, I've seen people with BPD have relationships (though more with Type II than Type I). However, getting anyone with this disorder to stay on the meds and stay on top of their disease isn't always easy. If she hasn't been medicated for long you can stay a while and see if the medications improve anything. If they do not I would strongly consider leaving. She will probably throw a huge fit and do all sorts of crazy manipulative things to try to get you to stay so you need to be prepared to face that.
Author shoey Posted September 12, 2011 Author Posted September 12, 2011 (edited) Update: Thanks for all the genuine advice. I made the difficult decision to cut the relationship off around a month ago. I have yet to regret it, knowing the circumstances, but I can't help missing her at many times. This has started to fade a tad, but seeing her name pop up on my facebook news feed every once in a while makes it tougher than I think is necessary. Would it be unreasonable to block/unfriend her to avoid this indirect contact? Side notes: I almost felt betrayed when she badmouthed me to a few of her friends in the days following the break-up. She made them quite public on facebook and although I thought I wouldn't care since I know she can be rather irrational, it felt like I didn't mean anything to her if she would be so quick to despise me. I know she was hurt, maybe even heartbroken, but that made me feel as if she never meant what she said I did. The week following the split, she sent many texts trying to get me back. I ignored them all. Like I said above, I don't regret or wish for her back. It is most difficult for me since I lost a best friend and somebody to talk to all the time. Anyway, I have started going out with my other good friends again and it is rather relieving being single. Thanks again for the support. -shoey Edited September 12, 2011 by shoey
sleepykitten Posted September 12, 2011 Posted September 12, 2011 Thanks for the update shoey, and well done, I know it must have been hard to do. Hope youre ok and look after yourself.
Author shoey Posted September 13, 2011 Author Posted September 13, 2011 Thanks for the update shoey, and well done, I know it must have been hard to do. Hope youre ok and look after yourself. It was fairly hard, mainly trying to be sensitive towards her feelings. On another note, she texted me this morning, over a month since we've broken up to tell me she's found another guy. I ignored it.... but it's so annoying. I just want to move on. Why is she trying to make it harder on me? (you don't need to answer this..)
TheGrimSweeper Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 The only reason she would message you saying she found someone else is to try and make you jealous and get you to regret your decision. If she was really over you and didnt care you wouldn't have gotten that message. All the more reason you made the right choice by ending it with her. As for her and her new guy it probably wont last.
OriginalPenguin Posted September 13, 2011 Posted September 13, 2011 Update: Thanks for all the genuine advice. I made the difficult decision to cut the relationship off around a month ago. I have yet to regret it, knowing the circumstances, but I can't help missing her at many times. You did the right thing! Congratulations on a difficult decision. Many people would still be wallowing in misery (myself included, I am not too proud to admit) This has started to fade a tad, but seeing her name pop up on my facebook news feed every once in a while makes it tougher than I think is necessary. Would it be unreasonable to block/unfriend her to avoid this indirect contact? No it is not unreasonable at all. If it bothers you then why should you be tormented? If you don't want to unfriend than at least hide the profile so you dont have to be reminded all the time. I almost felt betrayed when she badmouthed me to a few of her friends in the days following the break-up. She made them quite public on facebook and although I thought I wouldn't care since I know she can be rather irrational, it felt like I didn't mean anything to her if she would be so quick to despise me. I know she was hurt, maybe even heartbroken, but that made me feel as if she never meant what she said I did. The week following the split, she sent many texts trying to get me back. I ignored them all. Like I said above, I don't regret or wish for her back. It is most difficult for me since I lost a best friend and somebody to talk to all the time. Anyway, I have started going out with my other good friends again and it is rather relieving being single. Thanks again for the support. -shoey The Facebook thing can sting, but just remember that not only will her attention on you fade also most people have very, very short memories when it comes to things like this. I would wager it means a lot more to YOU than anyone else. Which is another good reason to block it....out of sight out of mind It was fairly hard, mainly trying to be sensitive towards her feelings. On another note, she texted me this morning, over a month since we've broken up to tell me she's found another guy. I ignored it.... but it's so annoying. I just want to move on. Why is she trying to make it harder on me? (you don't need to answer this..) Like the other comment, she is just lording it over you and based on what you said earlier that is not surprising at all. Don't give the satisfaction of a response and if you can, just block the number. After all if there is nothing worth while being communicated what is the point? Good luck, you are already past the hard part!
Author shoey Posted September 14, 2011 Author Posted September 14, 2011 Thanks for the support and I really appreciated the thoughtful response Original Penguin. I got 99 problems...
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