micot Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 hi my story thus far girl-friend of 6 yrs broke it off with me one night ,no explination givin .few days later i go to her place ask what's happened got the ''i don't love you any more'' etc speech . we were in very limited contact ,2 days ago she stopped by to pick up things of hers ,talked a bit [basically i talked most] she didn't have replies for me . yesterday i decided full on no contact and was leaving the door open to communication for her when / if she was ready to talk... today i got a quick e-mail from her saying it's been quiet at her place and at work and she's been thinking -the thoughts are of what she felt like when we were together.she mentioned feeling ''used'' and i understood it i didn't have a car at the time we were together AND i ouldn't get cable / internet under my name so asked her to put it in hers . i've offerd her money for the phone calls i made BUT she would never take it from me i was part time working , she was full time .we didn't live together . K i replied to her e-mail just a quick note saying i can understand what she's said .i asked if she would like to call me tonight and discuss these things she's been thinking of , she said after work she had plans with a girl-friend and if she called it would be late, i replied i don't care if it's late it's o.k. with me ..... i am trying to leave this door to communication open with her no matter what i am going to hear i mean i spent 6 yrs with her,we were best friends etc .feelings of love don't just die one day UNLESS something huge happens between a couple like cheating,or major lie and theirs been none with us- now i totally believe she is at least seeing another guy , i've mentioned it to her but haven't got a reply on it . i don't think i'm really trying to get back with her so quickly anymore. we ended in mid May ,i think we do need to communicate, rebuild trust,be somewhat of friends before we [at least I] can think of a relationship with her again and it would be back to square one BUT i'd need to see effort on her part and hear honesty no matter how bad the honesty can be
The_Good_Me Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Hi Micot Sorry to hear you're going through this. I am going through a similar thing. I was with my ex for 10 years, got the same "out of the blue" dumping, was told "I love you but not in love with you anymore!" speech and then complete distancing. It's hard and I completely sympathise. I feel bad for saying this but I think you're making a big mistake making such a point to her that you're keeping the lines of communication open. I did the same thing in the early days of my break up but it really doesn't get you anywhere. You're basically saying that "I'm here for you if you need me" and the truth is, if she ever needs you she will contact you with or without your consent. Giving her the option turns you into some form of safety net that lets her get on with her life, knowing she has you to fall back on, like a plan B. I think you're right when you say that feelings of love do not just die in a day. The sad truth is that many dumpers get the idea of dumping their partners way before they actually do it. To them, they have been through a few months of getting used to the idea of being without you and when they finally work up the courage to do it, they have already achieved indifference towards you. Her decision to dump you will not have been made lightly by any means and it will have taken her this time to lose those feelings. Unfortunately to us, the dumpee's, it comes so out of the blue as the dumper has made no effort to communicate their feelings. My ex slept with me one night and we were so close and cuddly for the rest of the evening. The next day was the same, then the next day she avoided me (we lived in the same house). She avoided me for another 2 days and on the 4th day of avoiding me she came home and dumped me. To me I thought "what's happened between the day of being close and the first day of avoidance?". It's happening to a lot of people at the moment and it's such an awful experience. You are not alone as small a consolation as that is. I think the best thing you can do now is work on severing hope of a reconciliation. For the first 6 weeks of my breakup I thought only of reconciliation and I was a wreck. I finally severed my hope and wrote her a handwritten letter. I apologised for going to see her mum after the breakup (I turned up unnanounced in tears) and I apologised for the things I knew at least contributed to the break up (whether they did or didn't). I then went on to say that I have accepted that we have broken up, I would no longer seek reconciliation and the last act of love I can give her is to let her go to find her own lifes success story. I finished off by wishing her well in her new life. This was my way of initiating NC and leaving the love of my life on good terms with an act of kindness and love. From that day on, my head just kinda clicked and it was able to concentrate on me. I moved city to be closer to my friends, I took up new hobbies to keep me occupied and I've thrown myself into overtime at work. I know you've said "I don't think i'm really trying to get back with her so quickly anymore" but you also went on to say "i think we do need to communicate, rebuild trust,be somewhat of friends before we [at least I] can think of a relationship with her again and it would be back to square one BUT i'd need to see effort on her part and hear honesty no matter how bad the honesty can be". It's good that you're prepared for the scenario of her coming back to you but it seems like this is something you're concentrating on and that is only holding you back from healing. The sad truth is that the relationship is over, you need to sever your hope of reconciliation and you have to move on now. You need to think of yourself and of a future without your ex as awful as that sounds. What helped me lose hope was the realisation I cannot control my ex, do not intend to control my ex and respect the fact that she has made her decision and I have to live with it. If she wanted to be with me, she would be with me. Once you realise this and accept it, you will be on the road to recovery and you have alot of support just being on this forum. Get together with your friends and work on yourself. It takes a long time and it hurts a lot but you will make it once you settle into the routine of NC. I'm on week 7 of NC, still have bad days man but I'm getting better and better at dealing with them. If I can do it, you can man. Just want to finish off by saying I'm very sorry as I realise I've probably come across as heavy handed and said things you may not be ready to hear. For that I am sorry but if not now, in time I think you will realise it's the best course of action for you. Good luck my friend and I apologise if my words have caused you pain.
Author micot Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 hi no i don't think you came off ''heavy handed'' you're telling me just what my friends have been telling me here . i'm just thinking now that if she does want to call me and tell me the issues we had or that she is realizing now then i'd be willing to hear them and discuss them with her as for us getting backk together i have toyed with the idea of course at first i would have jumpped at the chance sure BUT now after all this time apart i'm not going to be so quick unless she comes right out and says that's what she wants no beating around the bush AND then that would still not happen quickly i totally would need for her to be honest with me about everything,i'd need to rebuild trust in her and we'd have to be friends for a while first maybe do small things like go for coffee, call talk about our day or about people we know etc AND if all that went well for a while possably start seeing each other see how it goes from there . she's moved on now , as have i in some ways i'm not up all night thinking what's she up to or is she thinking of me ,or does she miss me etc. i do have good and bad days with thoughts ,she knows i care about her but the love for her i don't really have like i did i'm just taking care of me and my stuff right now not worrying about her and her things IF she calls specifically to talk about issues we've had i'd discuss it BUT if she calls just to say hi or how you doing etc then i just say i've got to go i'm in the middle of something I'M not looking to just stay on the phone for the hell of it
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