giuliano-3 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 So, I've basically been living a lie - telling people that I'm totally over my ex and that we haven't had any contact for about a month now. And we haven't talked or written texts or anything like that. But I did create a fake FB account and look at her profile every day for much of that time. Only a peek, spending about a minute each time but still. Why not just unblock her from my real account and check out her profile the legit way? Not sure. Why was my fake FB username a character from a TV show we loved together? Hmm. Probably because if she does have a way of checking who looks at her profile she'll know it was me? Does this make any sense? Three days ago I deleted that fake account, and just now had the urge to unblock her and check out the profile. So I came on here and wrote this instead. Its a sick need/urge. What have I found out in my month of e-stalking? That she basically had a falling out with the guy she left me for (which coincides with the few days she was calling me last month) and now they're back together. The fact they have had a successful LDR for almost a year now makes me sick. This is the same girl who cheated on me after 5 days apart, so not sure what gives. She's back out drugging/drinking with the "friends" she once told me were "spoiled, mindless brats" that she never wanted to see again. Oh well. Why do I still care? I mean, I really don't care - but still care at the same time.
Nohbody Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I looked at my ex's blog the night I got back from BOSS. So yeah. Happens to the best of us.
brokenfaith Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I know the feeling!! I look at my ex's Facebook sometimes just hoping to find something-- though he's got it on pretty much lockdown so I can't see anything anyways. It's almost like a fix I have to get daily. I'm really trying to work on it, honest!
BlindRage Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Just stop looking at her thing and it will become second nature. I stopped stalking my ex. Now, thinking about even looking at her profiles is out of the question. I just wouldn't look her up, period. Control the urge. Edited July 14, 2011 by BlindRage
Author giuliano-3 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I know the feeling!! I look at my ex's Facebook sometimes just hoping to find something-- though he's got it on pretty much lockdown so I can't see anything anyways. It's almost like a fix I have to get daily. I'm really trying to work on it, honest! Right, its like a daily fix and I'm now on day 3 of real and actual NC. Feels weird. But good. But weird. I've gone a month or so in the past, however, without doing any e-stalking so I have no delusions about being out of the woods completely. Why do we do something we know will only cause pain. There is no chance of anything good, positive or worthy coming from it. Yet we do it, again and again.
Author giuliano-3 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Just stop looking at her thing and it will become second nature. I stopped stalking my ex. Now, thinking about even looking at her profiles is out of the question. I just wouldn't look her up, period. Control the urge. Yeah, I'm doing it (not trying). It was killing me. Basically its like trying to fill a dirt hole with water. You can never get your fill. Always need more. Pointless.
brokenfaith Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Right, its like a daily fix and I'm now on day 3 of real and actual NC. Feels weird. But good. But weird. I've gone a month or so in the past, however, without doing any e-stalking so I have no delusions about being out of the woods completely. Why do we do something we know will only cause pain. There is no chance of anything good, positive or worthy coming from it. Yet we do it, again and again. For me-- I'm the type that just wants to know the truth. I want closure, no matter HOW crappy the truth is. So I guess, since my ex is a lousy coward and won't tell me what's going on... I look to FB, online, to put the pieces together. I've put together a lot already. Maybe it WOULD be better if I didn't know, maybe not. Either way... I know me looking for answers isn't the best idea-- but it's sometimes the only way to get the truth. :/
onlyafool Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Why do we do something we know will only cause pain. There is no chance of anything good, positive or worthy coming from it. Yet we do it, again and again. Maybe you look hoping to see a train wreck?
thelovingkind Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Our brains are just slow to rewire our neural pathways. When I was with my ex I used to visit his facebook page regularly. It was a kind of a shrine, a place where I could just bathe in his presence and click through his photos and feel warm and loved because this one human being in all his beauty and wonder was all mine and nobody else's. That set in stone a connection in my brain between this person's facebook page and warm, secure feelings. When the relationship is stripped away we acknowledge that cognitively (well, most of the time, some deranged people are actually still convinced they're with their ex and this is when sociopathic behaviour arises) but intuitively we still expect the action of visiting their facebook page to lead to pleasurable sensations. So I would visit and then, bam, what is this? Stomach-churning sensations of awfulness and a pounding sense of insecurity. Where's my pleasure fix? I leave the page but the new message hasn't been imprinted yet, so a day or two later I go back. Bam, awful again. Four or five days later I make the same mistake yet again. But my brain starts to register this new connection and the neural pathway is re-wired. My ex's facebook page is not a happy place. I don't go there anymore. So, don't worry if you slip up and make the mistake of visiting their page. In some ways this is a set back, but in other ways it helps to re-configure our neural pathways. It is possible to move on without ever making that mistake and I wouldn't recommend it as a kind of shock therapy, but if you do visit their facebook profile just be sure to really feel and register how miserable of an experience it is.
smudge21 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 You're so not alone here. Even though I had a friend request from the ex I still created a fake account to go take a look instead. It's really annoying and I think we can all see how damaging it is, yet we still do it. I like to think it's all down to hope; we want to find out something that will say to us that he or she still cares or maybe is going through a bad time since they left or is now single and wanting you back, any scrap of info and we'd be happy. But we never ever see that, and we never will. The fact remains, that if they wanted to come back, they would. But try to convince your heart of this and stop looking is so tough. It's been two weeks now since I saw a tweet from her and what she said set me back a lot. I have to focus on that pain everytime I'm tempted to go snooping for info or even to look at a picture of her. I have to remember that no matter what I read, it's not going to bring her back or fix the situation to my liking in any way. It's only going to hurt. Times like this, I hate modern technology!
yzyzyz325 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 So, I've basically been living a lie - telling people that I'm totally over my ex and that we haven't had any contact for about a month now. And we haven't talked or written texts or anything like that. But I did create a fake FB account and look at her profile every day for much of that time. Only a peek, spending about a minute each time but still. Why not just unblock her from my real account and check out her profile the legit way? Not sure. Why was my fake FB username a character from a TV show we loved together? Hmm. Probably because if she does have a way of checking who looks at her profile she'll know it was me? Does this make any sense? Three days ago I deleted that fake account, and just now had the urge to unblock her and check out the profile. So I came on here and wrote this instead. Its a sick need/urge. What have I found out in my month of e-stalking? That she basically had a falling out with the guy she left me for (which coincides with the few days she was calling me last month) and now they're back together. The fact they have had a successful LDR for almost a year now makes me sick. This is the same girl who cheated on me after 5 days apart, so not sure what gives. She's back out drugging/drinking with the "friends" she once told me were "spoiled, mindless brats" that she never wanted to see again. Oh well. Why do I still care? I mean, I really don't care - but still care at the same time. i dont get it, there is no way that ur ex can check who looked at her profile, right? there is no such function on facebook.
Ginger Beer Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 The thought of looking on my ex's Facebook fills me with dread. I remember once I saw her come up in the 'people you may know' bit, only a small thumbnail and that was enough. I don't use Facebook now though and haven't for months.
radiodarcy Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 So I would visit and then, bam, what is this? Stomach-churning sensations of awfulness and a pounding sense of insecurity. Where's my pleasure fix? I leave the page but the new message hasn't been imprinted yet, so a day or two later I go back. Bam, awful again. Four or five days later I make the same mistake yet again. But my brain starts to register this new connection and the neural pathway is re-wired. My ex's facebook page is not a happy place. I don't go there anymore. So, don't worry if you slip up and make the mistake of visiting their page. In some ways this is a set back, but in other ways it helps to re-configure our neural pathways. It is possible to move on without ever making that mistake and I wouldn't recommend it as a kind of shock therapy, but if you do visit their facebook profile just be sure to really feel and register how miserable of an experience it is. well said! i remember when i first found his facebook page - - it was while i was trying to be his friend. i looked at it religiously. no lie -- i must have checked it every five minutes (he's a total attention whore and would post something new on his status or someone's wall every few minutes). however, when i started to see that he was posting messages to a lot of other women's walls - - including one woman in particular, i began to feel physically ill. he was telling this woman how beautiful and talented she was; things he had never said to me. i kept reading those lines over and over and stalking this woman's page - - looking at her picture. each time i did i felt lower than lower and at one point told myself i would rather be dead than have to endure this kind of pain. i actually said something about it to him and we got into a huge fight (even though i knew better). i went NC soon after and i have never had the urge to look at his facebook again. and while i admit that i broke NC after two months and briefly picked up communications with him again (i re-started NC 4 months ago), i still didn't look at his facebook. all i have to do is remind myself of how terrible i felt the last time i looked and that's enough motivation for me to stay away.
radiodarcy Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 i dont get it, there is no way that ur ex can check who looked at her profile, right? there is no such function on facebook. that's not the point, though. the point is, that for some people, looking at their ex's facebook page upsets them to the point where it sets them back in their healing. it doesn't matter if the ex knows that they're on their facebook or not. what does matter is that the dumpee is hurting themselves by looking at information about their ex. nothing stings worse than going on an ex's page and seeing how great they're doing now that you're no longer a part of their life. especially if they're getting on great with someone else.
Author giuliano-3 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 i dont get it, there is no way that ur ex can check who looked at her profile, right? there is no such function on facebook. Yeah, I was born in a time when there weren't such things as "TV remote controls" or "cellphones" or "the internet." Nobody will confuse me for being tech savvy. I do remember, when we were going out, my ex saying something about a function a friend had which told her what people were checking out her profile. So, figured that maybe my ex now has this function - I guess maybe not. Either way, whether she knows I'm checking out her page or not, its irrelevant. I know. Thinking she possibly knows I'm doing it is merely a deterrent.
Author giuliano-3 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Maybe you look hoping to see a train wreck? Bingo! The weird thing is that I'm the type of person who makes an effort to not look at car wrecks. But yes, I was definitely doing it to hopefully see her life in shambles. Because, who could possibly be doing well without me in their life?
Author giuliano-3 Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Either way... I know me looking for answers isn't the best idea-- but it's sometimes the only way to get the truth. :/ Ahh, searching for "the truth." Will we ever find it? I think not. The truth is that most people in their lives will hurt someone they care about. Some of those will confront their actions and learn from their mistakes. Others (majority) simply try to forget about what happened, put their heads in the sand and hope their past doesn't come back to haunt them someday.
ccfan Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Why do we do something we know will only cause pain. There is no chance of anything good, positive or worthy coming from it. Yet we do it, again and again. It happens to most of us... i've definetely been there and even to this day, 10 months after she dumped me i still struggle with the urge of unblocking her from FB and/or signing in on a secondary account i had with her and her famaily friends etc... I think we are absolutely in the worst era for break ups, a few decades back we would have healed so much faster, but now whe have twitter, FB, all kinds of intant messenger on cels and so on.. add to that how its considered "cool" to have a lot of common friends in FB it makes it really hard not to hear from a person.. Howerver its not impossible and you have to really figth the dark side of your brain that is asking for info about your ex.. look at it as a beast that needs to be starved to death. Here's what i did. still a work in progress: 1. BLOCKED her from my FB 2. Erased any common friends that might end up posting a picture of her in FB (you have to be tough in this one and really erase everyone, your healing is more important) 3. Stopped following her on Twitter (that was the one that hurted me the most as she always was writing about how "great"her life was) 4. Asked family and friends to NEVER MENTION HER AGAIN 5. Get away from the computer if i find myself killing time there with no real purpose as that is when the demons get out and feel the need to check up on her 6. Be aware of a pattern of missing her during the day: in my case its always when i'm tired, hungry of have a cold, when my body is weak i miss her more.. but being aware of it it helps to overcome it. Like a friend of mine says: if you look you will find. so i didn't want to see a pic of her with a new guy or anything and neither do you.. so it's best to pull a Houdini and totally dissapear.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 (edited) For me-- I'm the type that just wants to know the truth. I want closure, no matter HOW crappy the truth is. So I guess, since my ex is a lousy coward and won't tell me what's going on... I look to FB, online, to put the pieces together. I've put together a lot already. Maybe it WOULD be better if I didn't know, maybe not. Either way... I know me looking for answers isn't the best idea-- but it's sometimes the only way to get the truth. :/ This is the same reason I was doing it.. At first in the very beginning I looked at his pic cause I missed him, he has it set on private. But over time even from that 1 picture I started learning things and lies he would tell me. So I did it for a while ended up yelling at him about one of the lies. Next thing you know he thinks I want him back because I wanted the truth. All this learning about what a nasty person he is actually helped me move on.. Honestly I was just trying to see if I could trust him enough to be in my sons life. But after the lists of things I have put on here in my past threads. I finally realized my son was very much better off without him. In the end it was a good thing I no longer care if he is lying or not. He is not my concern. But I am just here confessing with you. I did it too.. For one reason or another. This stage will eventually pass.. Edited July 17, 2011 by Jdw_Icequeen
Author giuliano-3 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 ...and she called the next day. I didn't answer. This happened a couple weeks ago. Didn't feel like sharing til now. It was the first time she's tried calling in two months. No calls, texts, messages of any kind since that one. I take this to mean I'm not the only one guilty of e-stalking these past few months. Of course since unblocking I had been checking her profile once a day. Not lingering. No emotion involved usually, just part of a daily routine. Wake up, drink coffee, check my emails, check ex's facebook profile. Stayed for no more than a minute. Not mad at myself. Only one post got to me, "missing my baby xx." That one stuck in the ol' craw a bit. Even though I knew it was written to her LDR BF couldn't help but thinking/hoping for a second that it might be a veiled message to me. Then thinking/knowing if anything else it was a veiled $#*@ off to me instead. Sad. Came to realize we've been doing this dance for 15 months now, LC/ full on contact for pretty much the entire time since she left me. We were together for 14 months. So, I've basically been holding onto the tattered remains of a relationship for longer than the actual relationship lasted. Sad. And weird. I'm ready to step off the floor, end the dance for good. Probably should gather the emails for contacts and retire from FB for awhile. I'm not attracted to this person anymore, both the person she is now and the person I thought I knew. Like, not at all. I am totally, completely and excitingly attracted to another girl now for the first time since the split. Daydream about her, wake up thinking about her. Not sure what will come of it, not gonna expect too much...just gonna take it as it comes and let things naturally progress. But, to all you out there who can't imagine being with another besides your ex, it is a great feeling to finally be thinking about a different future. One without a thought of my ex being involved in any way...
flitzanu Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 ...and she called the next day. I didn't answer. This happened a couple weeks ago. Didn't feel like sharing til now. It was the first time she's tried calling in two months. No calls, texts, messages of any kind since that one. I take this to mean I'm not the only one guilty of e-stalking these past few months. Of course since unblocking I had been checking her profile once a day. Not lingering. No emotion involved usually, just part of a daily routine. Wake up, drink coffee, check my emails, check ex's facebook profile. Stayed for no more than a minute. Not mad at myself. Only one post got to me, "missing my baby xx." That one stuck in the ol' craw a bit. Even though I knew it was written to her LDR BF couldn't help but thinking/hoping for a second that it might be a veiled message to me. Then thinking/knowing if anything else it was a veiled $#*@ off to me instead. Sad. Came to realize we've been doing this dance for 15 months now, LC/ full on contact for pretty much the entire time since she left me. We were together for 14 months. So, I've basically been holding onto the tattered remains of a relationship for longer than the actual relationship lasted. Sad. And weird. I'm ready to step off the floor, end the dance for good. Probably should gather the emails for contacts and retire from FB for awhile. I'm not attracted to this person anymore, both the person she is now and the person I thought I knew. Like, not at all. I am totally, completely and excitingly attracted to another girl now for the first time since the split. Daydream about her, wake up thinking about her. Not sure what will come of it, not gonna expect too much...just gonna take it as it comes and let things naturally progress. But, to all you out there who can't imagine being with another besides your ex, it is a great feeling to finally be thinking about a different future. One without a thought of my ex being involved in any way... why unblock her? not judgement, just curious what the thought process was for the decision. i'd blocked and unblocked mine in the past, finally just left her unblocked until her internet attack on me with the "failblog" tatttoo pic, then SHE blocked ME. whatever sense that makes. and yes, having a new fascination...it helps pass the time. i often feared i'd never find another girl that i'd feel any connection or attraction with, but it's slowly been happening more and more.
Author giuliano-3 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 why unblock her? not judgement, just curious what the thought process was for the decision. i'd blocked and unblocked mine in the past, finally just left her unblocked until her internet attack on me with the "failblog" tatttoo pic, then SHE blocked ME. whatever sense that makes. and yes, having a new fascination...it helps pass the time. i often feared i'd never find another girl that i'd feel any connection or attraction with, but it's slowly been happening more and more. I dunno. Curiosity. An itch I felt like scratching. Maybe trying to gain some kind of response from her. Maybe just a moment of weakness. There really was no thought process that went into it, just happened. Actually I just remembered my thinking at the time and it was "I wonder if she blocked me after I blocked her." Was kind of hoping she had blocked me at some point during the past 3 months.
Ghosst Posted August 18, 2011 Posted August 18, 2011 Its hard to remain firm in the no contact zone, especially on lonely days. I guess there are some here who are very strong and never look back but true love takes time to recover from. I have done the same thing as you, and found things which I think will finally give me closure. My ex posted in a relationship with someone new 2 weeks after asking me to marry him one drunken evening after we went the the theatre and dinner together....the evening was after a separation of 2.5 months so I suspect he was seeing her at the time we went out and he begged for me back. So much had occurred I needed to think about it...but my 2 days of thinking made him reconsider.....I am guessing grass is greener kind of thing. He felt I would never be able to trust him....I am not sure if I would have. They have been together 4 months now, bought a boat together (boating was my passion and we had planned this for the future), along with a multitude of purchases (after him complaining about money shortages with me multiple times). The recent posts from her on his FB are repeatedly that she loves him and that he is the love of her life, although he never posts that he loves her (he posts "likes this" to her comments or that makes my day great) he did recently post that he loves his life. He told me that of all his relationships (he had lots) he only loved 3 of us in his life, and that he had only said he loved us three....to others he would just non-committedly answer "ditto" when girls would declare their love. The last night I saw him he told me so many times that he loved me that I lost count. He already broke my heart but I think I would have gone back if he had tried a little harder and been consistent.....a drunken declaration was just simply not enough. The comments on FB made me think back to our relationship and how intense it was at four months, back when he seemed truly happy. I was pretty darned mushy over him as well, although I would not have made those declarations on FB. If our creeping our ex's FB page is what helps us move on because we must face the reality of the pain associated with their loving someone new, then that is just part of the healing process for me. I don't stalk him by driving by or calling or any other mischievous things, which I could cause I still have most of his passwords, not to mention authorization for his credit card and utility accounts! When you finally come to terms with the fact that you can't get back what you had no matter what (and you will get there when you are ready), you will not even have the desire to look at her FB anymore. I hope tomorrow is a happier day, and you get one step closer to having her only as a distant past memory.
Author giuliano-3 Posted August 18, 2011 Author Posted August 18, 2011 Ghosst, thank you for that. I posted when I came across this old thread and decided I should share what happened because its on-topic. I honestly don't even want her back. I know people will roll their eyes and say "how can you say you don't want her back if you're e-stalking her." I can't explain it. I don't think about her, ever, outside of that daily one minute check. Its not stimulating. Its not depressing. Its not anything. It just is what I needed, like you say, to further the realization that she's gone forever. Despite her calling/texting/emailing me. I know that she wouldn't want to be with me as I am right now. For one thing I wouldn't put up with half the **** I put up with. Its much harder to push me around nowadays. Thats the best thing about this is making me realize that being assertive, open and honest with a partner is beyond important. Its mandatory for a healthy partnership. And I guess whats at the heart of me coming back on to LS and posting so much the past week is that I know I'm about to move onto another relationship. Finally. And it feels great. I just need to make sure I don't slip and start talking to the new girl about what happened with the ex. Haven't done that yet, hoping it won't come up. No girl wants to hear anything about past relationship troubles, right?
Ghosst Posted August 19, 2011 Posted August 19, 2011 I am sure anyone would understand a brief conversation about an ex, as long as it is not repeatedly brought up. I am always curious about a person's past relationships. I think the good thing about waiting and not jumping into something right away, like our ex's did, is that we have given ourselves time to heal and process our emotions. It means we are in the right place to have good things to give to someone new! Best of luck! I hope you will keep us all posted on your new relationship and hope the smile on your face can't be wiped off for days after you see her!
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