Scared.

[TaintedHeart]

Ok so I was in a 3 year relationship with somebody that I thought was the most caring selfless person in the world, and so did everyone else (Friend's & family) She obviously know's about my past, and my depression ect, she was the only person I opened up to and I told her things that I have kept to myself for years. Then she ends it, just like that, no real reason, and everytime I asked for answers she would either ignore me or talk to me like I was a complete stranger, like I didn't have a right to know.

I was really unwell and she knew this as my mother took it upon herself to email her pleading to talk to me and calm me down. Still nothing.

I felt like I was dead to her. Then she shocked me even more, she played the whole facebook game! The happy, jolly statuses ect. I never thought she'd sink so low. This has SCARED me, I didn't really know her, how am I ever going to trust anyone again?

She told me she will come to collect her things in a few weeks, so I boxed everything up for her. I havn't contacted her for 9 days and I haven't heard from her. Last night I found out that she is on dating sites then I found out that she's actually seeing somebody. It's only been 2 weeks!

So what do I do now? Do I contact her and tell her that I know she's seeing somebody and that she she should come to get her stuff asap?

 

Yes I'm a woman and yes it was a gay relationship, please don't judge.

It hurts just the same.

[TaintedHeart]

I just can't get angry, I just keep thinking of how well she treated me and how much she helped me with my issues ect. Everytime I think about how she's been with my in the past two weeks, I just feel sick but and all I want is her What the hell is wrong with me?

[radiodarcy]

hi taintedheart. no judgement here - - heart break is heart break.

 

i know how much it hurts to have your trust violated. my ex and i started out as friends and as you've seen he treated me horribly. which is why i rejected his offer to remain friends. what kind of friend would treat me in such a manner?

 

i would suggest that you try not read too much into why your ex is behaving this way because you simply cannot know. she may not even know. i kept trying to get answers from my ex as to why he treated me so poorly and he never really could tell me.it's normal to want to know why. but knowing why isn't going to change things and will hurt you even more.

 

i am not sure how you found out she was dating someone else but i would suggest asking the source of that information to not share anymore information about your ex with you as it is too painful to hear and you are trying to heal. you don't need to compound that pain by hearing what she's up too. i know it's cliche but ignorance really is bliss at times like this.

 

as for getting her things back to her; you have a few options: you can either mail them to her or you can have a friend or family member take them over to her. if you choose to contact her, i would advise against telling her what you know. what else can she do but confirm it? and how will you feel hearing it straight from her? just stick to the business at hand: getting her things back to her and leave it at that.

[TaintedHeart]

hi taintedheart. no judgement here - - heart break is heart break.

 

i know how much it hurts to have your trust violated. my ex and i started out as friends and as you've seen he treated me horribly. which is why i rejected his offer to remain friends. what kind of friend would treat me in such a manner?

 

i would suggest that you try not read too much into why your ex is behaving this way because you simply cannot know. she may not even know. i kept trying to get answers from my ex as to why he treated me so poorly and he never really could tell me.it's normal to want to know why. but knowing why isn't going to change things and will hurt you even more.

 

i am not sure how you found out she was dating someone else but i would suggest asking the source of that information to not share anymore information about your ex with you as it is too painful to hear and you are trying to heal. you don't need to compound that pain by hearing what she's up too. i know it's cliche but ignorance really is bliss at times like this.

 

as for getting her things back to her; you have a few options: you can either mail them to her or you can have a friend or family member take them over to her. if you choose to contact her, i would advise against telling her what you know. what else can she do but confirm it? and how will you feel hearing it straight from her? just stick to the business at hand: getting her things back to her and leave it at that.

 

Thank you.

 

I just can't understand why I'm not angry, and to know that she has forgotten about me and is seeing somebody else so soon still isn't enough for me to hate her.

The whole getting her things back to her is tricky, she lives miles away, she would have to get the train down.

So do I contact her? Or leave it? If she really wants her stuff back she would contact me wouldn't she?

[Rafaela]

Yes she is Acting like you are dead for her, step on your heart and try to not contact her. i see that you are not saying the whole story something is missing in here!!! no one can act cold or try to ignore his/her partner that been with for 3 years.

if what you are saying is true then she is just a Shameless C.u.n.t that used u for some reasons otherways try to post some joyful status too in your profile if you know any beautiful female friend or from family to take a pic with and post it in ur profile and see how she is going to react, even if she text u do not answer give it some couple days.

[Mack05]

Firstly Taintedheart, no one here will judge your sexual orientation. We are who we are, live and let live. I really feel your pain. I am not ready to date someone, but I hope someday I will be. If/When that happens I will be a little scared. The first few weeks of a relationship are normally pretty amazing, where both partners are showing each other their best qualities, hopefully building the foundations of longterm happiness together. As you become more and more intimate, you will eventually want to tell your partner about the less glamorous side of you. I feel this is important as your partner has the right to know who they are getting involved with. Also it's never an idea to start off a relationship hiding things from your partner. This has a habit of catching up with you down the line. When we decide to tell our partners about the mistakes you made, the decisions you regret etc etc. This is always a gamble. What you hope will happen is that they show you undertsanding and except you for all who you are. If that happens then the relationship moves to the next level emotionally and a stronger bond is formed. However they may hear something or see a red flag for them and decide parting is best for them. This is hard to accept. The person we thought we had a special connection with is leaving us, when we show them the worst side of us. It makes it even harder when they don't give us closure or be honest with us. There could be so many reasons they decided to leave. Maybe if you had a problem with depression she might leave because an ex before you had depression and hurt her. Maybe she is scared of intimacy, getting really close to someone and showing them who she really is. Maybe she is in a place in her life where she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship. There could be so many reasons and sadly it looks like you will never get the answer.

 

You are going to go through a horrid time, I won't lie. All those questions going crazy in your head. I am going to recommend you get books like 1) I can mend your broken heart and 2) Getting past your breakup. You will get pointers in these books what you need to do during this phase of your breakup. I promise you it will get better and will you just accept that your ex is not the one. To treat you as cruelly as she has and to move on so quick, means your ex has a lot of issues (that you don't know about). Some people are very good at hiding these issues in relationships. Showing you one person but hiding behind a facade. Don't beat yourself up for that. We all have been conned by ex's. These people are normally very emotionally immature, people who for various reasons are scared to get truly intimate with someone. She probably doesn't even know herself and is in self denial.

 

Tainted I have posted the below many times about NC...You can't ever break it, even if she contacts you. Right now I would organise getting her stuff to her, without you having to contact her or meet her (do you have friends in common?).

 

"I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.."

 

"I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours"

 

"I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again."

 

"I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on."

 

Eventually, there will be a day where you meet someone and that person will love you no matter what. Remember tainted.... ->

 

"Because only if you've been in the deepest valley

can you ever know how magnificent it is

to be on the highest mountain"

 

Stay strong, stay NC. It is what is best for you..

[radiodarcy]

Thank you.

 

I just can't understand why I'm not angry, and to know that she has forgotten about me and is seeing somebody else so soon still isn't enough for me to hate her.

The whole getting her things back to her is tricky, she lives miles away, she would have to get the train down.

So do I contact her? Or leave it? If she really wants her stuff back she would contact me wouldn't she?

 

the anger will come in time -- once the shock wears off. right now you are still stunned. i remember when the ex wrote me an incredibly vitriolic e-mail telling me to move on. i was in a daze for several weeks before i hit the anger stage. but healing is a process; and we all experience emotion at different times.

 

i would suggest leaving it be for now. it's only been 9 days and you're still pretty vulnerable. so yes, refrain from contacting her for now. right now things are too raw with you being dumped and finding out about the new woman.

 

but try not to let it go too long. all too often either the dumper will contact the dumpee at a time when the dumpee is starting heal; or the dumpee will feel s/he has healed enough to contact the dumper about returning items - - only to have old wounds re-opened. unfinished business such as this can also serve as a "loophole" - - a way to initiate and tease out the contact or promise of contact for the dumpee to see the dumper again and plead their case; which almost always ends badly.

 

it would be asking a lot for someone else to make the long train ride to take her her things. if she wants to come and get them make sure it's at a time when you won't be home. either leave her things outside or see if someone else can be there to give them to her.

[TaintedHeart]

Just ordered the paul mckenna book. Thank you! Enjoyed reading your post, everything rings very true!

 

I feel so bloody worn out, feel like I'm going to have a break down if I'm honest. I'm a ticking bomb.

 

How can I be like this when I know she has moved on?

 

I feel ashamed, like I should have some dignity

[Mack05]

Tainted try not to put yourself down. If you feel youself beating yourself, stop it straight away. Somewhere down the line this will make you such a strong person, you will even be able to forgive your ex when the time comes. There is nothing wrong with over analyzing right now. Just don't let it last too long..Grief happens in phases, everything you are feeling now is perfectly normal. Sadly there is no quick for a broken heart. Just a part of life's character tests which we have to pass to improve as people..

[TaintedHeart]

Thank you.

 

It's like, right, I'm at home making myself ill and crying and putting my family through worry while she's just acting like nothing has happend.

I'm sorry if I keep going on..

[Mack05]

Thank you.

 

It's like, right, I'm at home making myself ill and crying and putting my family through worry while she's just acting like nothing has happend.

I'm sorry if I keep going on..

 

I have been there Tainted, so I know your pain. My ex leaves facebook when we are together as she doesn't want to have her life played out online. I agree temporarily to quit as well but I missed seeing my friends updates. We had a very on/off relationship, very rocky mainly down to me and my personal problems (was suffering from depression and very low self esteem) at the time if I am being honest. I decide to leave her go and stay NC and get myself sorted. She gets sick, breaks NC and I go to her house and take care of her for a weekend. Cook and clean for her, take care of her. I spend over 400 bucks getting black market tickets for her fav band, but she is too sick to go. I don't tell her the effort I went too or make her feel guilty. As I am nursing her, I make her promises to get back to the old me, to stop making these stupid mistakes.

 

Seems we are slowly getting on track until she gets better and she dumps me for the second time over the phone (for my previous indescretions). I'm really hurt, but I accept her decision. A week or two lately she breaks NC and tells me her friend "probably has cancer" and another friends mother has died. I comfort her again and I am a shoulder to cry on. We get close again, as we are walking into work she kisses me in the park. 12 hours later she starts to go cool again. I tell her we need to go NC Right now. We talk a little later in the evening and says she never wants to see me again. I ask why and she says "you used the words right now that means you are trying to control me. I have had enough". I said what the hell are you talking about?How is using the words right now trying to control you. A few texts later, "if you contact me again I will go to the police". (She rings my sister a few days later and tells her the same thing). A few hours after dumping me on the phone for a 3rd time in 3 weeks, she returns to Facebook and posts how happy she is.

 

Can you imagine how many questions I had? I asked her to meet me face to face to just explain a few things. I excepted her decision (I was not a good boyfriend the last 3 months), despite the cruelty of the ending. All I wanted was a face to face goodbye. I never got it. In the end she contacted the police, because I sent her a book (on personality disorders, because of how abnormal her behaviour was at times in the relationship) 6 weeks after NC ended. My heart was in the right place but Stupid yeah (REALLY STUPID) as it wasn't my place..To try finish me off she came on to LS and launched a vicious personal scathing attack against me, after being follwoing all my posts for a month.

 

So why post my story tainted?. I was you..probably worse because I was slap bang in the middle of my depression. The person, I was relying on for my happiness was viciously rejecting me in the cruelest way possible. I over-analyzed, obsessed. Night after Night. I got less then 12 hours sleep in a month. I had to grief for a relationship, grieve for previous mistakes in the relationship and before the relationship. I was in personal hell. I climbed out of mine as you will yours. I can tell you things tht helped me..

 

1) Four months of Therapy

2) Regular hard exercising

3) Writting letters I never sent my ex

4) Writing a journal

5) Writing down short term and long term goals and ticking them off one by one

6) Coming to LS and venting and offering advice where and when I felt I could help

7) Reading self help books. I read 11 of them on various topics. They are not easy to read, but they have made me very self aware.

 

I promise tainted it gets better in time. I have gained acceptance that myself and my ex are two good people, despite all the hurtinflicted on each other. We were just not right together. I have learnt so much about myself and what I feel I must do to be a great partner to someone going forward. When the shock wears off and your grieving has been done you will start seeing things too as you view things from a far.

 

If you can follow just one piece of advice. Stay NC. You have no idea just how hard that is going to be...You will want to break it with seems like a million times. You musn't. Block your ex. Block any means of contact. View her as a crazy nutjob stalker and put things into place which means you avoid her at all costs. Do this and your healing will be a lot quicker then holding onto false hope. She is not good for you. One day you will see this. I wish you well..

[just_scott]

Tainted hey girl hey heart breaks no no boundries straight,gay,bi etc .

not gonna judge you here ,maybe it would be better for you since your still hurting have a mutual friend collect the boxes for her and delver them to her OR drive by her place with someone at night leave them by her door so you don't have to see her

 

don't look on them datting sites to see what she's up to that's only gonna hurt ya

i know finding out someone you've been with for yrs is back out datting couple of weeks later SUCKS but it happens that person though hasn't mourned or healed the relationship with you and is just gonna bring whatever issues over to the new relationship and that aint cool .

let her do whatever she want's join every dam internet datting site whatever play face book games just ignore all that and worry about you and healing you'll find the someone for you obviously she wasn't it