The dumpee "confliction"or living a fake relationship

[Movingthrough]

Im coming up on a year from my breakup. As an adult i can admit that feelings are still there, they are just a lot more realistic and to me normal because she was an important person in my life. I went through the hard times everyone posts on here about and find myself still sad about it on some days. I have really opened up to a lot of people i know through work or just good friends and in general about my situation and its very interesting how "common" it is in the dating world. When you read most dating books it will basically tell you that if they wanted to be with you they would, and if they arent then they dont care and NC them. I agree that if someone wants you they will be with you hell or high water, but i also have been very surprised how many times i have heard stories about people living these fake relationships while they still have "something" for an ex or just arent happy period.

 

After talking to a buddy who is a lot older then me, he had story on top of story about people he knew who would be in a relationship with the kids, with the hundreds of facebook pics etc etc but not happy or still had lingering feelings they never dealt with from a breakup. In my situation there have been a few times that i have heard or seen her new "life" online, and while it doesnt hurt me like before, it amazed me. Recentley my ex has called me and left me a message that i didnt respond too, she heard through someone we both know that i would be in her area for work related stuff. The minute she found out she called, this message was mature but it was so obvious she wanted to hear from me. After not responding she emailed twice and texted. I said hello and thank you for the message, that was it, she went on and told me at the end how she always thinks of me and misses me. I did not respond.

 

The point of this is if you were to go online and look at her page it would be a new couple (her b/f) having fun on trips, outside, active and very much "best friends" in love. While i know me and her wont work out and that the love is not there, i know she still has feelings whatever they are, it was obvious. It amazes me that in the midst of her showing the world her new love, she would still send messages like that. When brought up to my buddy he was not even phased and continued to tell me more stories about people basically having these fake relationships because they dont want to deal with a break up or themselves in general.

 

Mind you i understand that if the feelings were really there then someone will make it happen, but it surprises me that so many people can put up the front using facebook or any sort of media to show this life, when in reality they are not right inside. In the case with my ex, i have no thoughts that we will ever work out anymore, but when you are so in love with someone else why would you ever message an ex saying anything beyond a normal "hope all is well". When you are in love with someone no one else should matter.

 

It seems its very common to use relationships as band-aids to cover up past relationships or yourself in general...Im curious to hear everyone elses ideas about this....

Edited July 14, 2011 by Movingthrough

[Movingthrough]

bumpppppppp

[wilsonx]

The fact that you did not use a relationship to cover up your relationship proves that your theory does not apply to everyone. The key is finding others like yourself that are more mature and not like this. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone that hops because once the going gets tough with you, guess what they are going to do? You already stated it.

[ScienceGal]

I know people that are in relationships even though they are not over an ex. But what is one to do? Let's say years go by and you are still pining for the one that got away? Do you spend the rest of your life alone? I wouldn't. But, I can tell you what I wouldn't do... I would never ever contact that ex and try to weasel my way back into their life if I was in a relationship. That's just selfish!

[wilsonx]

I know people that are in relationships even though they are not over an ex. But what is one to do? Let's say years go by and you are still pining for the one that got away? Do you spend the rest of your life alone? I wouldn't. But, I can tell you what I wouldn't do... I would never ever contact that ex and try to weasel my way back into their life if I was in a relationship. That's just selfish!

you have never dated me

[Movingthrough]

I know people that are in relationships even though they are not over an ex. But what is one to do? Let's say years go by and you are still pining for the one that got away? Do you spend the rest of your life alone? I wouldn't. But, I can tell you what I wouldn't do... I would never ever contact that ex and try to weasel my way back into their life if I was in a relationship. That's just selfish!

 

Its funny because I see this so much in my age group (and you can see it on the boards), people that jump into something so soon then are still in contact with an ex. My ex does this to me and did it to me a few days ago, i by no means think it means she "wants me", but i think its proof she never grieved our relationship properly or the one before me. I know a lot of people in the psych. buisness and its always very interesting to talk to them about this, because every time i bring it up, the personal cap comes off and the clinical hat goes on. I had a girl i talk to with a Doctorate in Psy tell me there is no way someone can move from a serious relationship to another one in days and actually turn out "happy", and if they do what is your definition of happy?

 

I know what the pain feels like because i have dealt with it for over a year but it really amazes me how common it is to cover up and use a band aid relationship to hide emotions..

[ScienceGal]

you have never dated me

True!

 

@movingthrough: my ex seemed to go from one short term relationship to the next. Most lasting 5-6 months. I had the naive notion that with me it would be different. Well, we missed the 6 month mark by 4 days. And a couple weeks later I heard he was seeing someone else. I see now that he functions by not letting anyone too close to him. It's a defense mechanism. It also allows him to be selfish and childish and get things his way all the time. It also allows him to never be held accountable to a woman, ever... no woman should dare threaten his ego! My heart just does not operate on that level.

 

I personally get a little excited about the thought of meeting someone new, but that's because I just want to be happy. I want to see that future for myself. I met someone this past weekend, and it made me realize I am not ready. I signed up for online dating, but I am only emailng with one guy, and we don't even talk about dating! There is no way I will use another person just to make myself feel better. That thought just turns my stomach.

 

I don't understand people that can move on so quickly either. In my eyes, it devalues the entire relationship and every loving thing the person ever said to me seems untrue. Luckily, there are people that feel the same way I do. I hope the next guy I date is one of them

[Movingthrough]

It's funny because some times I think mine moved on so fast because she was so hurt. After going through what I've gone through, I can kind of see why people move on so fast. But when you keep running it will hit at some point, my ex literally will message me, ignore me, want me and hate me all in one text. I honestly feel bad for people like that.

[stray]

I think in regards to your ex, her behavior highlights a problem that's much more prevalent in dumpers than dumpees: they are never happy no matter who they're with. This obviously doesn't apply to all dumpers, but I think for a lot of us on this board, this applies. The good thing about being a dumpee and taking time after a break up to get to know yourself again, is you learn to really appreciate certain qualities in people. You realize you want someone who will be committed to you, and love you for you, and be willing to solve problems with you. Many dumpers don't ever have to figure out what they need or want in a relationship because they never lost control in the dating scene. It's like having many ice cream options...as dumpees we go "ok, well we don't like flavor player, bi*ch, liar and jacka*s" and it narrows down our preferences. But many dumpers aren't forced to make these choices which limit their options, so they don't know what they really like, and thus they can't find someone who can make them really happy. People need to know what they want, to find it or acknowledge they have it, it doesn't really work the other way around.

 

I suggest you see what your ex is doing as an injustice to her current boyfriend, which reflects the same reasons she left you in the first place. Listen to the song Chain of Fools by Aretha Franklin. Her boyfriend is just another link in the chain, unfortunately.

 

Don't fall for it.

[Movingthrough]

I think in regards to your ex, her behavior highlights a problem that's much more prevalent in dumpers than dumpees: they are never happy no matter who they're with. This obviously doesn't apply to all dumpers, but I think for a lot of us on this board, this applies. The good thing about being a dumpee and taking time after a break up to get to know yourself again, is you learn to really appreciate certain qualities in people. You realize you want someone who will be committed to you, and love you for you, and be willing to solve problems with you. Many dumpers don't ever have to figure out what they need or want in a relationship because they never lost control in the dating scene. It's like having many ice cream options...as dumpees we go "ok, well we don't like flavor player, bi*ch, liar and jacka*s" and it narrows down our preferences. But many dumpers aren't forced to make these choices which limit their options, so they don't know what they really like, and thus they can't find someone who can make them really happy. People need to know what they want, to find it or acknowledge they have it, it doesn't really work the other way around.

 

I suggest you see what your ex is doing as an injustice to her current boyfriend, which reflects the same reasons she left you in the first place. Listen to the song Chain of Fools by Aretha Franklin. Her boyfriend is just another link in the chain, unfortunately.

 

Don't fall for it.

 

Great reply. While i can admit i still have feelings for her, i know the deal. In some ways i do feel bad for her current boyfriend because the way she texts me is not what i want in a GF. I give this advice to all dumpees but its funny because they dont always seem as happy as they luck. I had the pleasure (joking) to see my ex's facebook when a buddy was looking at it, i turned away after a few minutes but she had literally hundreds of pictures with this guy and how much in "love" she was with him. At first i can say it stung and in some ways it still does. But then i disect things a little bit and say wait a second, she sent me a text a little while ago saying that she missed me so much she wanted to cry, then in typical fashion i dont hear from her for weeks. What that tells me is shes not playing games, shes just not happy, and when the emotions flow out she cant control it and bam there goes a text.

 

Most will tell people that if someone is playing games (like my ex) that they are playing with you, but there is also a flip side to this and thats what this thread is about. Most people that jump from ship to ship havent dealt with anything in their past, so when they are feeling weak, emotions come out. They realize a day later that was a bad move, then you dont hear from them again. Its funny how simple this stuff really is when you look at it. The problem we have as dumpees (like myself) is feelings are still there, so for us its an emotional rollercoaster. I have always kept things semi open with me and her in the sense of i havent told her to F off, but i also dont answer to her needs, if i hear from her i wait days to answer. But what this whole situation has shown me period is most dumpees that do it for the wrong reasons have more going on then just a breakup with you, so you have to be the one to basically say peace out, or it keeps going in circles.

[ScienceGal]

 

Most will tell people that if someone is playing games (like my ex) that they are playing with you, but there is also a flip side to this and thats what this thread is about. Most people that jump from ship to ship havent dealt with anything in their past, so when they are feeling weak, emotions come out. They realize a day later that was a bad move, then you dont hear from them again. Its funny how simple this stuff really is when you look at it.

 

It's nice to come on here and hear other people saying things that I have been thinking all along. My exs' emotional reaction is anger and walking out... that's how I know he'll never contact me again. He's already written me off even though I did nothing wrong except tell him to take accountability for his poor behavior. Still hurts, but NO regrets!

[Movingthrough]

It's nice to come on here and hear other people saying things that I have been thinking all along. My exs' emotional reaction is anger and walking out... that's how I know he'll never contact me again. He's already written me off even though I did nothing wrong except tell him to take accountability for his poor behavior. Still hurts, but NO regrets!

 

I should have written it different, what i meant to say is most of the time the emotions will come out and they realize it then pull back, not really go away for good. In my situation now i know there is nothing left to do but basically ignore her since it keeps going in circles.

 

What i have seen after a year of a break up and reading on here daily is most people are wrong about thier ex's. We always think that we will never hear from them again, or "this is it", when in reality the best thing is NC right from the start and doing your own thing. My ex completely has had the hands up in us communicating after the breakup which has been non existant really, but when i dont answer her messages for a few days guess who keeps messaging? I have learned a lot but what ive really learned is as humans we dont really deal well with not having closure, and we all have our own versions of it. Me personally i just wanted some sort of "goodbye" because she comse and goes every other month, but even as i type this i know the answer and i know whats going on. Sometimes no talking is the answer, and it hurts because we think this is really the end days, but what ive seen is not that they always come back but they always come back around..

[ScienceGal]

I have learned a lot but what ive really learned is as humans we dont really deal well with not having closure, and we all have our own versions of it. Me personally i just wanted some sort of "goodbye" because she comse and goes every other month, but even as i type this i know the answer and i know whats going on. Sometimes no talking is the answer, and it hurts because we think this is really the end days, but what ive seen is not that they always come back but they always come back around..

 

I agree that we make sense of things in our own minds. I really believe my ex is not going to come around. His ego is too big. I have my better moments, but I also feel myself holding on. Then I get frustrated because bet he is perfectly happy. I wish something could force me to let go, as I

know he already has (at least thats my minds view of it:)

Edited July 28, 2011 by ScienceGal

[O_O]

True!

 

@movingthrough: my ex seemed to go from one short term relationship to the next. Most lasting 5-6 months. I had the naive notion that with me it would be different. Well, we missed the 6 month mark by 4 days. And a couple weeks later I heard he was seeing someone else. I see now that he functions by not letting anyone too close to him. It's a defense mechanism. It also allows him to be selfish and childish and get things his way all the time. It also allows him to never be held accountable to a woman, ever... no woman should dare threaten his ego! My heart just does not operate on that level.

 

I think your ex and mine are brothers or something! I didn't catch the warning flag about the series of short relationships, because he did have longer relationships... all of which it turned out had long-distance components, meaning the face-to-face portion of things never lasted more than six months. Also, I figured out at some point that he'd lied to me about still living with his ex when he started pursuing me, and I'm fairly sure he lied about when exactly he broke up with her as well. Just like your ex, he can't let anyone actually get close to him. In his case, as soon as he does he starts looking for someone new (while, of course, denying it, and acting like the problem is with his current GF and not himself).

 

As far as the OP's post, yeah, I do think there are a lot of people who operate this way. I think it's generally unhealthy to start a new relationship right away, especially if it's a pattern (and if the same problems keep cropping up in relationship after relationship). It's obviously a major problem if you're actually contacting your ex behind the new SO's back and telling them how much you miss them. Still, I do think there's some level of missing the previous relationship that is normal and acceptable even when you've moved on to a new one. Also, a lot of people will start missing an ex or a previous relationship more when unhappy in their current relationship, although usually those people will lose those feelings as soon as they've overcome the unhappiness somehow. In short, it's normal, sometimes even healthy, but definitely not always, and it sounds like not in the OP's case either.

[Movingthrough]

 

It's obviously a major problem if you're actually contacting

your ex behind the new SO's back and telling them how much you miss them. Still,

I do think there's some level of missing the previous relationship that is

normal and acceptable even when you've moved on to a new one. Also, a lot of

people will start missing an ex or a previous relationship more when unhappy in

their current relationship, although usually those people will lose those

feelings as soon as they've overcome the unhappiness somehow. In short, it's

normal, sometimes even healthy, but definitely not always, and it sounds like

not in the OP's case either.

 

Very good post. Its funny because in my case i actually feel bad for my ex's BF. While i agree that in all reality what shes doing isnt really a huge deal, i would never want a GF contacting her ex saying she misses him etc etc. At one point i chalked all mine off as basically her dealing with it in her own way, but when she called that one day and left the message i felt like she was begging me to talk to her.

 

The funny thing is online her life is good and "happy"...so why contact me? I had a psychologist tell me once that its normal to have an ex or someone on your mind randomly, but making contact and "doing" something about it is not protecting your current relationship and could even damage it, so if they were truthfully happy they wouldnt do it.

 

Thats why i made this thread because its crazy to me how many are showing the world and letting every one know how good life is through electronic means, yet always seem to have this underside of them thats different. My ex did say to me that she thinks we could be happier with other people, so dont get me wrong, the minute someone says that you are done. So i said good bye and that was it, only to wake up to more messages basically saying she was hearbroken again and about to break down due to me leaving....but wait arent you in love?

 

This is turning into a great thread!