so-wrong Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I have been away from here for a while but will update you with what's been happening. After speaking again after MM broke NC with an email, we slowly but surely failed at the 'we can be friends' thing & fell back into the same A as we had before. There were several key differences though that changed everything: I was now single as my BH had moved out & was contemplating D, the guilt was so much worse because of the pain of D day & the knowledge that we had broken hearts but were carrying on regardless & finally, there was a fair amount of bitterness from both myself & MM because it was a nasty break up with weapons fired from both sides (more about revenge from both BS' but obviously still involving us both). It hurt me intensely to know that he was still with his BW but seeing me again, I couldn't understand how he could treat either of us like that, as well as his grown up children who had been devastated by his betrayal of their mother. Almost daily, she was quizzing him about me & whether we were in contact & he continued to deny it & say the feelings had long gone. After about 6 weeks I realised that I was going mad & felt on the verge of a breakdown. We were sniping about what had happened constantly & I was threatening to tell his BW about the A. After D day I had emailed her with all the details, so he knew I could do it. (I never did understand why he trusted me enough to get involved again, madness). I admitted everything to my BH & asked for another chance. He eventually accepted but gave the ultimatum that I texted the BW with the truth so that MM would leave me alone once & for all. I didn't want to stab him in the back but knew that I had to do so in order to have any chance in my M. I let her know when I knew MM would not be there & gave facts that she would know were true & undeniable. She replied & tried to accuse me of having other 'conquests' & called me a whore. I replied & categorically denied these other conquests (they definitely never existed). She then basically told me to f... off, which I respected & have not contacted her again. I guess this suggests that she will blame me for the 2nd A but that's her problem, as I said in my reply, it takes two to tango. Obviously I feel safe in the knowledge that MM will never approach me again & I have no idea what the 2nd D day has done to them. I really hope that I haven't destroyed my M completely. My BH told me that it is only because I came clean about the A & that we were living apart when it happened that he can try again. He is desperate for there to be no more contact & quizzes me about it constantly. I really want to mend what I have done & feel that by re-entering the A I managed to get answers to some of my questions & by ending it myself I regained some control & feel better equipped to move forward with my BH. I just need practical advice in repairing my M.
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 There is no marriage to repair. You destroyed that by continuing the affair. With that said, I do believe that if both partners really want to build new trust and a new relationship...it is possible. NOT probable, but possible. It will take more work than either of you are probably willing to do for a longer period of time than either of you will probably be willing to invest. It will require transparency that means the concept of privacy is a just a hope for some future state with you. If you both are willing to do that, then who knows?
Owl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 What are the two of you doing to repair your marriage? Marriage counseling? How are you rebuilding trust with your H? How are you SHOWING him that you're trustworthy now? What are the two of you doing to reconnect with each other? What have you done to affair proof your marriage to ensure it can't/wont happena gain.
Author so-wrong Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 What are the two of you doing to repair your marriage? Marriage counseling? No, we have tried this before. It was expensive & not helpful. How are you rebuilding trust with your H? How are you SHOWING him that you're trustworthy now? I have come clean about the 2nd A (when I could've kept quiet), I have been honest about the whole thing. My H has access to my phone whenever he wants. I answer his questions openly. What are the two of you doing to reconnect with each other? We are talking. We plan to get babysitters for the kids & date again. What have you done to affair proof your marriage to ensure it can't/wont happena gain. After D day 1 I swore never to have another A with anyone. Problem was that MM was already under my skin (I believe this was the case for MM also). We were both told it was a mistake to talk again (by my sister & his BW) but we did so regardless. The only danger therefore is/was MM. By contacting his BW I am certain that door will now be firmly shut. My BH is not convinced that MM won't contact me again but I know that even if he were to lose his mind & get in touch, I do not want another A because they cause pain to everyone (including myself).
JaneyAmazed Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 After D day 1 I swore never to have another A with anyone. Problem was that MM was already under my skin (I believe this was the case for MM also). We were both told it was a mistake to talk again (by my sister & his BW) but we did so regardless. The only danger therefore is/was MM. By contacting his BW I am certain that door will now be firmly shut. My BH is not convinced that MM won't contact me again but I know that even if he were to lose his mind & get in touch, I do not want another A because they cause pain to everyone (including myself). I don't know all the details, but if you really are serious about your marriage now, NC is the only option. If you go NC and enforce it then you don't need to worry about him contacting you. Ignore any attempts he may have. Also, the cure for someone who is "under your skin" is NC. You can't use that as an excuse to contact xOM. I know. My xOM was under my skin for a while. It didn't matter. I knew the only way to get rid of that feeling was to put all I have into my H and my marriage. It works. He is not under my skin anymore. And yes, if and when you do get weak or tempted, remember the pain it causes EVERYONE. It's not worth it at all. Get your H back under your skin if you really want your marriage to work. You are so lucky your H is willing to work on the marriage. Don't take that for granted at all. I wish you the best. I'm working on my marriage too. It's not easy but it's worth fighting for.
fooled once Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 From this post, it sounds as if you are using (that he won't get in touch with you" as a avoidance and as a false sense of security. I would say you are going to have to dig deep within yourself to address what got you into the affair in the 1st place. I agree. And I don't see the original poster holding strong to not having an affair when/if the MM comes sniffing again. She has proven that she has little self control. I am not sure if her H will ever be able to trust her again; since she did it twice to him. If I was him, I wouldn't. I would burn the bridge and move on.
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I agree. And I don't see the original poster holding strong to not having an affair when/if the MM comes sniffing again. She has proven that she has little self control. I am not sure if her H will ever be able to trust her again; since she did it twice to him. If I was him, I wouldn't. I would burn the bridge and move on. That bridge has been burned. He might ought to consider rebuilding though, I would.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 After D day 1 I swore never to have another A with anyone. Problem was that MM was already under my skin (I believe this was the case for MM also). We were both told it was a mistake to talk again (by my sister & his BW) but we did so regardless. The only danger therefore is/was MM. By contacting his BW I am certain that door will now be firmly shut. My BH is not convinced that MM won't contact me again but I know that even if he were to lose his mind & get in touch, I do not want another A because they cause pain to everyone (including myself). That is all fine and dandy... maybe the guy won't contact you again. The question you need to answer is "how much time to you spend thinking about OM?" See right now you need to put all available thought and energy into making your BH still want you. If you are still pining away for the other guy or replaying that crap in your head... it's going to cause issues. You need to make him believe in your temporary insanity. That you found the other guy to be lacking all the good things your BH has. Good news is that you confessed... which means you are very believable in this. Use that to your advantage in fixing the marriage.
Author so-wrong Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I totally understand that this is make or break for my M. With hindsight I wish I had been more final with MM because I only told him that I didn't want an A. The call ended with the understanding that it was not goodbye, but chance for us to focus on our respective M. Obviously things changed because I came clean on returning to my M & his BW was informed, which possibly weakened his M because he had remained with his BW throughout the 2nd A. It may have had the effect of making him hate me. Or it may not & I know it doesn't matter. I really want my M to work & both myself & my H are committed to this. I just wish that NC wasn't so damn hard. The truth is that I am still missing MM at some level but have not even come close to breaking NC. I just need to know it gets easier. On some kamikaze level, I wish MM would contact me again with the offer of a R to test my strength & commitment once & for all. But obviously that thought also petrifies me.
Glinda Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I wish MM would contact me again with the offer of a R another affair to test my strength & commitment once & for all. But obviously that thought also petrifies me.There. I fixed it for you. All he has to offer is affairs. Either move along or don't. It's your choice. However, if you need your strength and commitment tested by the offer of infidelity, then you already have your answer and you should allow BH to move along.
Author so-wrong Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I know for an absolute fact that I WILL NOT have another A with MM & definitely not with someone else. Whether MM would or not matters not because I have definitely moved forwards in that respect. I know I & indeed my H deserve so much better than that. I just need to find the strength to accept that we will never even talk again & I will admit, that is hard.
bentnotbroken Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I know for an absolute fact that I WILL NOT have another A with MM & definitely not with someone else. Whether MM would or not matters not because I have definitely moved forwards in that respect. I know I & indeed my H deserve so much better than that. I just need to find the strength to accept that we will never even talk again & I will admit, that is hard. This is the part I don't get. Why do you need to find the strength to accept that a person not only was willing to stab your husband in the heart not once but twice. He took your husband's peace of mine and put him on the emotional roller coaster from hell. Yet you are there talking about commitment to never cheating on him again. I would(and a lot of people who have cheated on here) move heaven and earth to make sure that my spouse isn't hurt by my actions or the actions of another ever again in that way. Hard is what I was talking about in my initial post. That is why a large number of couples never rebuild a new relationship....the work is tooo hard.
waytogo Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 This is the part I don't get. Why do you need to find the strength to accept that a person not only was willing to stab your husband in the heart not once but twice. He took your husband's peace of mine and put him on the emotional roller coaster from hell. Yet you are there talking about commitment to never cheating on him again. I would(and a lot of people who have cheated on here) move heaven and earth to make sure that my spouse isn't hurt by my actions or the actions of another ever again in that way. Hard is what I was talking about in my initial post. That is why a large number of couples never rebuild a new relationship....the work is tooo hard. It really is too hard sometimes, isn't it. Many have advised I should tell FBW and I do understand why anyone would think this way. I've reasons to believe they are on better ground now. Our A was years ago. I do think I feel much worse for her than he does. That could just be my perception and I hope so. My conscience still hurts for my part. I'd cause more trouble there if I did what some consider the right thing now. 1 Of those catch 22's, if I did it then, would seem for alterior motives. Now, would be to unburden myself. Think I just T/J'd. I apologize
OldOnTheInside Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I know for an absolute fact that I WILL NOT have another A with MM & definitely not with someone else. Whether MM would or not matters not because I have definitely moved forwards in that respect. I know I & indeed my H deserve so much better than that. I just need to find the strength to accept that we will never even talk again & I will admit, that is hard. But how do you know this? There are no absolutes in life... Did you previously think that you would never cheat in the first place? Or that your first affair would be the end of it? Anyway, that's enough with the interrogation. Basically...talk to your husband. Coming from somebody who went through the reconciliation process: You're in for a rough ride. Reconciliation is also the perfect time to lay all your cards on the table btw. That is why a large number of couples never rebuild a new relationship....the work is tooo hard. Sometimes, it can be far more complicated than that. Some people I know have no idea...
Author so-wrong Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 I was incredibly naive & thoughtless before I had the A, I truly didn't realise how much hurt it would cause to people we cared for. I realise now that I allowed myself to get too close & I now take steps to avoid the same thing happening again with anyone else. I went back to MM because there was unfinished business & I needed better closure. To some extent I was successful & I also identified that my feelings were too strong to share him. This has removed all risk of me returning to the A. I still love MM but I also love my H & behind the fog & addictive feelings I know he is the man I want to be with long term. I pray that I can find the strength to deal with my demons & help him with his too. It just feels so scary right now as there is so much to resolve & currently we are struggling to even talk about anything other than the A. I don't want to but we just seem compelled to do so again & again. I wish I knew when or even if we will be able to move forwards in a positive manner.
Carrot2000 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 You and your BH should check out Surviving Infidelity. Com so you can get support from other folks who are dealing with this same issue.
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