brokenfaith Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Sunday marks 7 weeks since I was dumped by a man I thought I was going to spend my life with. Year long relationship-- he dumped me because he said he wasn't sure he ever wanted to get married again (I met him a year after he got dumped/divorced by the ex wife.) Near perfect relationship-- great match for each other and we never fought. I think timing was just bad. 2 weeks post BU, his coworker, who I never trusted, left her husband and moved in with my ex. It's been one month since he told me she was moving in because "she has no family support or anywhere to go." It's pathetic that he won't tell me the truth... I think he was "setting" this up for the last couple months of our relationship. She's total trash. VERY fake (fake boobs, hair, etc) and nothing like me. I don't know for SURE what the extent of their relationship is, but considering he takes her everywhere with him (even to places he and I went to) I assume they're an item. For some reason, despite all this... I can't get angry. HOW do I get angry? I'm so frustrated that he would do this to me, but there's still that glimmer of hope that he'll see her for the fake loser she is and realize he had the BEST thing with me. I went to my therapist the other day, but I don't care much for her. She doesn't offer solutions for me. It's only the first few visits, but she isn't HELPING me. How do I move on? Today I untagged all our facebook photos from my page. It felt good at the time, now I feel kinda guilty. What if he thinks I'm mad and never contacts me again? (BTW we haven't been FB friends since the BU)
brokendreamz Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 No Contact is your friend. Distance yourself from him and the whole situation. Don't feel guilty or worry about him at all - He doesn't want what he had with you, you can't change someones heart - believe me I tried! Its harsh but the only way to truly move on is NC. No face book, no text messages and certainly no snooping or speaking to mutual friends. Sounds like you're better off without him anyway. Work on yourself and you will be a better person in the long run.
Author brokenfaith Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Yes. I've cut off the facebook and MY friends also de-friended him recently. So I really don't have anyone to ask about his doings. I haven't been the best with NC as far as looking for things on the web to get answers, but I know now that's what's holding me back. I haven't contacted him other than a few emails he sent me several weeks ago-- and after going through that, I realize it was only hurting instead of helping... even if i was super LC. I know I'm better off without the person he is NOW. But...he's going through a life crisis and depression and I think he genuinely is confused. I've been burned by guys a million times over, and by now... I'm like "Pfft. EFF HIM" But for some reason, I can't get mad at this guy. Maybe because I feel SORRY for him because he's truly, mentally screwed up. He's not the same person anymore. I guess I keep thinking he might get help and find the real person inside again. I know that could take months or years and by then I hope I've moved on. This SUCKS.
giuliano-3 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Don't worry, you'll reach the anger phase of the cycle soon enough. An important thing to keep in mind is that you don't want the residue of this relationship to rub off on future ones. It might be a reason he's doing what he's doing. People who feel they've been abandoned or betrayed often end up abandoning those they are getting close to. Purely a defense mechanism. Make sure you take an honest look at your relationship with this man. I also never argued with my ex and when I looked at the actual reason why - I ended up discovering it was because we were truly afraid to confront each other with the things which bothered us. When you don't confront each other about those things, they end up festering and becoming road blocks to a path of honesty and openness. Not saying this is the case for you...just sayin'. It took me almost 4 months of whining and feeling loads of self pity before I got really angry in earnest. I suggest you try to achieve that step sooner. The breakup wasn't your fault, there is almost never a definitive person at fault. But if the ex f'd you over then you do have a right to feel angry for a while. Only through anger will you be able to acheive the next step - forgiveness.
TaintedHeart Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 My ex has hurt me, kicked me when I was down, forgot about me, and treated me like I done something wrong. And still I can't feel angry!
Melrapuo Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 There's no real plan on getting over someone. One day you're miserable, and you just decide you're gonna do something to try and make yourself feel better. Its hard at first, but you keep trying to feel good until you just do. One day you decide you'll do something you've wanted to do for a long time, like go back to school or visit a friend. Then it becomes a few things you've wanted to do. Then you go out more. Over time, you become more important than the idea of getting over your ex. And then, one day, you just realize you've moved on.
Author brokenfaith Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Don't worry, you'll reach the anger phase of the cycle soon enough. An important thing to keep in mind is that you don't want the residue of this relationship to rub off on future ones. It might be a reason he's doing what he's doing. People who feel they've been abandoned or betrayed often end up abandoning those they are getting close to. Purely a defense mechanism. Make sure you take an honest look at your relationship with this man. I also never argued with my ex and when I looked at the actual reason why - I ended up discovering it was because we were truly afraid to confront each other with the things which bothered us. When you don't confront each other about those things, they end up festering and becoming road blocks to a path of honesty and openness. Not saying this is the case for you...just sayin'. It took me almost 4 months of whining and feeling loads of self pity before I got really angry in earnest. I suggest you try to achieve that step sooner. The breakup wasn't your fault, there is almost never a definitive person at fault. But if the ex f'd you over then you do have a right to feel angry for a while. Only through anger will you be able to acheive the next step - forgiveness. I definitely agree with the bolded, above. We didn't fight because we sat down and talked things out. If I had concerns about something he said or we misunderstood each other, we talked. There was never yelling or namecalling... we just hashed things out like adults. That's what I loved so much about him-- he was willing to talk and figure out why someone felt slighted. He never opened up about his fear of remarriage and his feeling of being broken by the ex until the breakup point. Though, when he started getting distant, I sensed that...even if he didn't SAY it. It's weird because I almost forgive him completely and accept the breakup happened... but I can't get over the fact that he left and jumped into this fling with someone who is nothing like me. Someone who is very superficial. I guess that's what I need to get angry with!
Author brokenfaith Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 There's no real plan on getting over someone. One day you're miserable, and you just decide you're gonna do something to try and make yourself feel better. Its hard at first, but you keep trying to feel good until you just do. One day you decide you'll do something you've wanted to do for a long time, like go back to school or visit a friend. Then it becomes a few things you've wanted to do. Then you go out more. Over time, you become more important than the idea of getting over your ex. And then, one day, you just realize you've moved on. I did return to school last year-- which is how I met him. i am getting to a very important part of my program/career change, so luckily I have that to keep my focus! I think the worst thing is the flip flopping of emotions. Some days I'm strong, or even some HOURS, I'm strong. Then I flop back into "Well, what if he changes his mind... he realizes the grass isn't greener? He's bound to eventually." That's what I need to let go of. I'm also worried I'm going to run into him. I live in a big but small city and we have a lot of common interests. It's going to be hard, I'm sure. Very much so if he's tagging along with her.
giuliano-3 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 It's weird because I almost forgive him completely and accept the breakup happened... but I can't get over the fact that he left and jumped into this fling with someone who is nothing like me. Someone who is very superficial. I guess that's what I need to get angry with! Yup. That's what finally did it for me. "She leaves me (without warning) for a guy overseas with lots of money and zero intellectualism/integrity/empathy. Well, then, f her." Blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately I didn't stay angry, when she called after 3 months I answered (dumb) and then continued phone convos with her for another 4 months (dumber). Never underestimate your mind's ability to rationalize ridiculous reactions. I wish I had a recording of my voice on those phone calls so I could throw up and feel shamed whenever she pops into my mind. Truly a disgusting, begging tone which led nowhere. Just know that your emotions are likely to jump all over the place, never think you're doing something wrong because you feel a certain way. Be honest with yourself, take a look at the relationship and see if you can find out your role. Its always easier to look at the ex and say "they did this" or "they were feeling that." Much harder to look at why you were together to begin with and why you really want that person back.
Author brokenfaith Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Thanks G for the response. I know what I'm going through is "normal," especially when the relationship was so meaningful, to me. I'm sure this won't go away overnight, even though I'd love for it to. Have to say, I'm very nervous about tonight-- going to a car show type thing with some friends (I've been thinking of going other weeks, but the friends didn't end up going.) I'm very into cars and motorcycles and so is he. He frequents a lot of local events like this, and takes her along all the time. She's "into" cars as well. Hoping I don't run into the two of them. Wouldn't mind if it was just him, but I really dislike this girl (when i met her before all this went down, she was a snob to me) so I don't want to have to feel that icky pit in my stomach. It's kinda like ripping a bandaid off though. I have to just do it and get it over with. I can't sit at home not doing what I want to do because they might be at the same place! I'll never meet new people that way!! Besides, since she's on the rebound post divorce and he's rebounding over me... I'm sure she won't be around for too many of these car shows anyway!
giuliano-3 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Than Besides, since she's on the rebound post divorce and he's rebounding over me... I'm sure she won't be around for too many of these car shows anyway! OK, one last thing. I spent a decent amount of energy and time thinking about how both my ex and her new dude were rebounds and lived in different countries and how this would just never work out. Well, it has - at least so far as them still being together after a year. Getting over the thought of them breaking up was hard. I wanted it sooooo bad, just to be able to say (to myself) "I knew it, they're no good for eachother." But, now I think maybe they are and maybe they're not. Either way, not my problem anymore. Detaching the new person in your ex's life from your conscious thought is a hard thing to do. Easy to compare yourself to them, hard to not do so. Not sure if I'm even there yet completely...good luck to you. One more last thing...honesty time. How much does the possibility of seeing him at this show factor into your going compared to not going? I mean, if you're going for the purpose of enjoying something you love to do that's great. How much of you wants to see him again, even though you say/think you don't?
Author brokenfaith Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Well, didn't run into him... don't know if he went, but good thing is the place was large enough where it'd be tough to actually run into him there. I went because I've never been to the drag strip and wanted to go... possibly race my own car. Had a fantastic time. I saw a car that looked JUST like his and got really nervous, but was relieved when it wasn't him. I actually thought about NOT going because I was so fearful I might see him. Glad I went though-- and wouldn't let the possibility of him going stop me. I'm there to have fun for ME. Hoping I don't run into him tomorrow either. My best friend is having a cd release for his band and for SOME reason, the ex said he was gonna come. Hoping he doesn't show.
onlyafool Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 What if he thinks I'm mad and never contacts me again? You are mad, aren't you?
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