HollyBunda Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 As I've just been rather rudely told that my situation is a fiasco and that it wasn't the board for me, and they mentioned this board, I thought I'd try here for some support and advice. I'm not looking for anyone to agree with what I am saying, just some perspective or a slap or something. Just support. Again, if my situation is totally wrong for this place, can you tell me nicely, I'm feeling pretty fragile/humiliated at the moment? Anyway, here goes. This is my first post. Please bear with the ridiculous details. I have been married to my husband for 6 years, we've been together nearly 11. We have three children. After the birth of my second child, my sex drive became non-existent. I don't even fantasize. I don't think about it at all. Not what I want for myself, believe me, but that's what's happening in my body. I have 'just done it' over and over again to satisfy my husband. But it's pretty crap and I'm left feeling like nothing but a sex toy. I've been to the doctor twice and have tried homoeopathic remedies. Nothing seems to help kick start my sex drive. I now have two older children and a toddler all day long. I am more exhausted than I have ever been in my life. My husbands sex drive is pretty ridiculous. He'd have sex all day long if he could. He's also addicted to online porn, which I've seen as pretty harmless and an outlet for his frustration. The last three years we have been arguing non stop about our sex life. He wants more more more, I want some understanding and some actual intimacy. Neither of us seem to be able to give what the other needs. I'm so tired of all the arguing and honestly really put out by his incessant pestering for sex (NOT a turn on, and yes, it really has become pestering and needy and there's always guilt) that in one of our last fights I told him to just 'get a girlfriend then!' Last week I found out that my husband has been visiting adult friend finder and has been chatting to and setting up dates with women. I didn't stalk him, he's a complete noob when it comes to computers and I opened up our browser and there it all was, so of course I checked the history and investigated. He also has a silly amount of personal information on his profile, not to mention naked photos of himself. He's also been sending rather intimate, dirty messages to many different women on there. I've been sitting here for the last week exploring how I feel about this and wondering what to do. I feel like it's my fault for saying get a girlfriend, but wondering if I really care if he does or if I'm more upset about the deceit. I have always been very honest about what has been happening and what I wanted or needed from our relationship. I guess I thought if he was going to do this, he would talk to me about it first. This is where I just feel stupid. I know for him it's just sex he is needing, and I honestly cannot provide this for him right now, not the way he wants. I want him to be more present at home with the family and with me, I want him to be happier. It seems like sex is consuming him. He's constantly irritated with me and the kids. I wonder if I should confront him, or just let him get on with it if it will make him happier. I'm not very confidant that confronting him will change anything or make it better. He's pretty defensive over everything I try to talk about, he's not easy to talk to. And I've got to a point where I don't open up to him about my true feelings anymore. I guess you'd say our relationship is pretty messed up and not very good. So this behaviour isn't surprising. He was a great partner, and a good dad, and I love him as a person - just not this person. I know this must sound awful. I feel trapped though. I live abroad with him and our children so I can't up and leave to 'go home'. I am a stay at home mum and haven't worked in 10 years. I am trapped. Thanks for listening and for any open minded advice you may have. I am not a religious person, so if you are, either don't respond or keep god out of it, god doesn't seem to like this sort of thing.
oldguy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) It's not your "fault". In many cases like yours it has just become easier to do everything yourself than to ask or expect help or have to argue to get some help. This is bad for you because, obviously you are doing everything and it's wearing you out. It's also bad for him because he feels less & less part of the big picture or the family. He doesn't even have intimacy anymore. Which you would probably still enjoy if you could stay awake for it:laugh: It will be very difficult to do on your own but try to get him involved, no matter how much he protests. Ideally; you need some guaranteed time to yourself on a regular basis that you can plan for. You and your husband then need to have a regular, out of the house, no interruptions date night regularly, not for sex, although if it concludes with that it's great, but to get out with each other. And not to visit friends or family, just you & him on a date, remember what that was? And then you need family time that includes all of you together. That boy has 3 kids & a wife & probably a job, he shouldn't have as much free time as he does to be checking out porn OR chatting up other women. Wouldn't you like that much free time? get in involved in his family. You both need a priority re-alignment. And you probably will need outside help to jump start that. Divorces are much more time consuming & expensive than getting help & putting your family 7 marriage back together & it's good for the kids. Good luck Doc Oldguy:p Edited July 14, 2011 by oldguy
oldguy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Have you seen a marriage counselor? Oh come on! it took me 3 paragraphs and an extra line to say that!
Owl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 You've got to remember...emotional intimacy (which you need/crave) and physical intimacy (which he appears to need/crave) are linked...tied together. Providing one usually leads to the other. When you withdrew physically, he withdrew emotionally. When he withdrew emotionally, that caused you to withdraw even further physically. Etc, etc, etc... Here's my question...what do you want to happen out of all of this? If you could have your idea solution...what is it? Next question would be...how would you attain that ideal solution? What would have to happen for it to become reality? Last thought on that...is your ideal solution compatible with his? Is a compromise possible?
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Oh come on! it took me 3 paragraphs and an extra line to say that! Sorry, usually on the run, so short and sweet is the way to go.
Kidd Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Get the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" and you both must read it. You'll both have a much better perspective on this.
oldguy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Sorry, usually on the run, so short and sweet is the way to go. :laugh:I read your one line and thought; 'why didn't I say just that'?
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Get the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" and you both must read it. You'll both have a much better perspective on this. Love Busters and The 5 Love Languages are also helpful.
nyrias Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 At this point, I do not think you should look upon him as a cheater. I don't know the context when you tell him to "get a girl friend" but certainly a case can be made that you gave your consent of what he is doing. There are enough problems in your marriage that you probably don't complicate it by confronting him. Figure out if the root problem can be solved first.
ladydesigner Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Wow this is exactly my M 8 years ago:eek: Let me tell you it has been quite the rollercoaster ride too. My H like yours would also have sex all day long if he could:laugh: It's draining. I understand that and it gets old quick, especially when you have little ones to run after. Oh yeah after the kids, as you know, the attention suddenly shifts from the H to the child. I think my H was not prepared for this part either and had no desire to partake in parenting which led to me further resenting him. Anyways down the line my H did end up cheating on me, but I also had an A. During my A I realized I did enjoy being intimate with my XAP and mainly because my emotional needs were being met. My H and I are trying to work it out now and while the sex is still not as often as he would like, we are both at a place where we enjoy each other again, but it took a while to get here and not the way I would have liked things to go. I would suggest seeing a counselor either together or alone and take things slow. It sounds like both need to pay more attention to other, but maybe in a less sexual way at first. My counselor has suggested more hand holding, cuddling, and being close to each other and letting things build up before having sex. Sometimes just lying naked together without sex can help too. I used to feel just like you, that I was a sex toy and nothing else. It can get better, but the pressure of sex needs to be removed first. It needs to happen naturally and you need to be willing and your H has pay more attention to the emotional and intimate side of you than jumping right into sex for his gratification, yuck. I think that turns any woman off. Good luck!
Author HollyBunda Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Thank you all for your responses and for taking the time. I hope to return when I am feeling stronger.
SadDazedConfused Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Your situation has many similar issues that mine did, at least the more recent issues relating to my husband being unhappy and eventually cheating on me. We went through the whole emotional withdrawing, physical withdrawing cycle, and it eventually led to my husband cheating on me. We too had the same conversations about him being unhappy with our sex life, me making promises to try harder, and in the end, nothing really changing. He essentially laid it out similarly, that he wasn't happy with things and that they needed to change. They didn't, and he eventually sought it out from another woman. He felt rejected and needed validation, and I wasn't giving it to him. At the same time, we weren't making time for each other. As previously stated, it is SO important to have your own time together. Make the time away from the kids. We went 6+ months without a date night, and it really affected our relationship. Now we are going out at least once a week, with just the two of us, and it really helps us both to connect with each other. Counseling is really helping as well, so I'd try to get the both of you there as well. I would try to stop him from sleeping with another woman by confronting him about his actions on the internet. Hopefully he hasn't done it yet. If he has, that opens up a whole other can of crap to deal with (hurt feelings, jealousy, horrible visions, STDs, etc.). Good luck!
Koekie Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I'd give a left leg for my husband to become a horny sex maniac. He's so reserved it's KILLING ME.
Koekie Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 HollyB are you an affectionate person in general? Are your parents affectionate? I think I can provide you with some insight regarding how your husband is seeing the situation depending on your answer
Washburn Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 At this point, I do not think you should look upon him as a cheater. I don't know the context when you tell him to "get a girl friend" but certainly a case can be made that you gave your consent of what he is doing. There are enough problems in your marriage that you probably don't complicate it by confronting him. Figure out if the root problem can be solved first. Yeah saying that sounds like you were giving an ok for him to have an affair. If you are not ok then let him certainly let him know. If he then continues on with it then it is certainly wrong on his part
StoneCold Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) Holy bajezus where do I begin.... OK 2 things: 1) It may sound like I'm dumping on you....I'm not....I only have information as you conveyed it and I'm going to give you the pull no punches answers based on this info. 2) This thread I can gaurantee you will deteriorate into a flame war because many here cant handle the things I have to say all the time everytime and they just feel the need to pile on me so here goes.... This is my first post. Please bear with the ridiculous details. I have been married to my husband for 6 years, we've been together nearly 11. We have three children. After the birth of my second child, my sex drive became non-existent. I don't even fantasize. I don't think about it at all. Not what I want for myself, believe me, but that's what's happening in my body. I have 'just done it' over and over again to satisfy my husband. But it's pretty crap and I'm left feeling like nothing but a sex toy. I've been to the doctor twice and have tried homoeopathic remedies. Nothing seems to help kick start my sex drive. At least you tried...kudos for that My husbands sex drive is pretty ridiculous. This could possibly be the case but I'm sorry but I'll have to take the above with a grain of salt as this is coming from someone with a destroyed sex drive. I dont say this to put you down but only to maintain perspective... The last three years we have been arguing non stop about our sex life. He wants more more more, I want some understanding and some actual intimacy. Neither of us seem to be able to give what the other needs. Oh boy I've been here... I'm now at the point where I give up and stopped the arguing and started taking actions into my own hands (no pun). See in my situation my wife asked for the same thing... I gave it to her and got nothing in return. Has your husband tried at all? I'm so tired of all the arguing and honestly really put out by his incessant pestering for sex (NOT a turn on, and yes, it really has become pestering and needy and there's always guilt) that in one of our last fights I told him to just 'get a girlfriend then!' The reason why he pesters you for sex is obvious...there is none...or not enough Also the above bolded....mortal mistake... I will explain why later. Last week I found out that my husband has been visiting adult friend finder and has been chatting to and setting up dates with women. I didn't stalk him, he's a complete noob when it comes to computers and I opened up our browser and there it all was, so of course I checked the history and investigated. He also has a silly amount of personal information on his profile, not to mention naked photos of himself. He's also been sending rather intimate, dirty messages to many different women on there. I've been sitting here for the last week exploring how I feel about this and wondering what to do. I feel like it's my fault for saying get a girlfriend, This you had to see coming.. Heres the problem when you say "get a girlfriend".... When you say something like that not only are you giving him permission to screw around, what you are saying is "F you and F your needs....I could give a rats @$$...you and your needs are not important to me whatsoever"... OK So, you dont care (or so it would seem)...so I dont care....you gave me "permission" so guess what.... See many here are going to whine about "justification". I'm not even talking about that because its not reality and thus a moot point. Many things we do arent justified but we do them anyways. What I'm talking about is what you can expect as a response when you do or say certain things.....as screwed up as it may seem. I came from a similar situation with a wife that said the same things.... now I cheat with blatant disregard and no concience...is it "justified"? no....do a give a flying F? no I guess I thought if he was going to do this, he would talk to me about it first. This is where I just feel stupid., Whats to talk about...you gave him permission...and you cant say... "I was joking" or "I didnt mean that" as soon as things become inconvenient. they werent inconvenient enough for you to say stuff like that to begin with. If you dont mean it dont say it. ,I wonder if I should confront him, or just let him get on with it if it will make him happier. I'm not very confidant that confronting him will change anything or make it better. He's pretty defensive over everything I try to talk about, he's not easy to talk to. And I've got to a point where I don't open up to him about my true feelings anymore. I guess you'd say our relationship is pretty messed up and not very good. So this behaviour isn't surprising. He was a great partner, and a good dad, and I love him as a person - just not this person. I know this must sound awful. I feel trapped though. I live abroad with him and our children so I can't up and leave to 'go home'. I am a stay at home mum and haven't worked in 10 years. I am trapped. Thanks for listening and for any open minded advice you may have. I am not a religious person, so if you are, either don't respond or keep god out of it, god doesn't seem to like this sort of thing. you could confront him. but know that if you do this it will not just be a discussion about him cheating....hes going to pull out the firepower too and unless you are prepared to go blow for blow.....dont bother. Plus how can you expect your husband to be open with you if you arent willing to do the same? This situation is a total mess. Couselling would be a good start but no garantees there. All I can say is you gotta nip this in the bud before the resentment settles too far in if it hasnt already because once the resentment settles in its almost impossible to un do...its like 1000 knots tied in a strand of very thin thread Edited July 18, 2011 by StoneCold
Spark1111 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Holly, there is no job harder and more emotionally and physically draining than being home with young children all day. But children do fare better in a couple oriented family as opposed to a child oriented family. What do you two do together as a couple? What interests could you do personally to recharge your own batteries? You need to get the relationship back to where you'd like it to be to feel intimate with him again. Can you define what you feel is lacking, for you? Men need physical intimacy to feel emotionally bonded to their woman. The fact that he wants sex with you is positive! However, IMO, porn in excess is bad for most relationships. It is made by men for men, and if a man comes to the bedroom hoping an exhausted wife and mother to "perform" like the women he just viewed....well, that's a recipe for disaster. You do not want him to cheat. Say so. And get to marriage counseling. Find a good one, and get back on track before the train derails.
StoneCold Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 (edited) It is made by men for men, and if a man comes to the bedroom hoping an exhausted wife and mother to "perform" like the women he just viewed....well, that's a recipe for disaster. . We're not that dumb spark... and I'm getting awfully tired of the female exhaustion argument. Shes tired? well hes tired too....If shes at home working with the kids hes at the office putting up with the pressures there along with the pressure of being the sole provider for the family...thats exhausting too...and these days when the guy comes home I dont know too many that can put their feet up and say "make me a sangwhich woman"...those days are long gone...men are expected to work at home too. so as long as shes working....hes working Edited July 18, 2011 by StoneCold
nyrias Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 You do not want him to cheat. Say so. If she gave him consent to go seek other women, he is not cheating. There would be no deception. More accurately, the statement should be "You do not want him to see other women. Say so." I do agree with Spark1111 that physical intimacy & emotional intimacy is linked. However, I think a) you absolutely cannot provide physical intimacy for him, and b) if you can live with him having his needs feel outside of your marriage, It is not totally unreasonable to "share" him and have an open marriage. That, of course, conditioned on the fact that there is no deception, and you do understand that you will be getting "less" of his emotions, as well as physical attention. If you cannot live with (b), you need to fix (a). And obviously the last option is to break up.
David Cain Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 However, IMO, porn in excess is bad for most relationships. It is made by men for men, and if a man comes to the bedroom hoping an exhausted wife and mother to "perform" like the women he just viewed....well, that's a recipe for disaster. If she's sitting on her ass at home all damn day while he's out working 45-50 hours a week, you damn right she better perform like the porn he's been watching. That's not a recipe for disaster to expect a great spouse in the bed and neither does her working, excuses her holding the booty over his head like a dog and rejecting him for months to years. That's abuse. You do not want him to cheat. Say so. What are we kids now? She shouldn't have to tell him to keep his snake in his pants. He's not a baby. And get to marriage counseling. Find a good one, and get back on track before the train derails. "Marriage counseling" is not always the answer and neither will that stop him from cheating.
Spark1111 Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 We're not that dumb spark... and I'm getting awfully tired of the female exhaustion argument. Shes tired? well hes tired too....If shes at home working with the kids hes at the office putting up with the pressures there along with the pressure of being the sole provider for the family...thats exhausting too...and these days when the guy comes home I dont know too many that can put their feet up and say "make me a sangwhich woman"...those days are long gone...men are expected to work at home too. so as long as shes working....hes working SC, I have worked inside the home raising young children and outside the home in a high=pressure career. Hands down, there is no more demanding and exhausting job then being home with children all day. NONE! There is no "break" no "lunch hour" no adult conversation or intellectual stimulation. It is give, give, give....all day long. No reward, no praise, no pay check for a job well done. I have done BOTH and there is no comparison, sorry. The job, while demanding, does not compare to meeting the needs all day long of young children.
ladydesigner Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 SC, I have worked inside the home raising young children and outside the home in a high=pressure career. Hands down, there is no more demanding and exhausting job then being home with children all day. NONE! There is no "break" no "lunch hour" no adult conversation or intellectual stimulation. It is give, give, give....all day long. No reward, no praise, no pay check for a job well done. I have done BOTH and there is no comparison, sorry. The job, while demanding, does not compare to meeting the needs all day long of young children. Totally agree!!! Having done both. A Stay at home parent I would have to say is much harder, emotionally and physically.
StoneCold Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 SC, I have worked inside the home raising young children and outside the home in a high=pressure career. Hands down, there is no more demanding and exhausting job then being home with children all day. NONE! There is no "break" no "lunch hour" no adult conversation or intellectual stimulation. It is give, give, give....all day long. No reward, no praise, no pay check for a job well done. I have done BOTH and there is no comparison, sorry. The job, while demanding, does not compare to meeting the needs all day long of young children. Sorry but I dont buy it.... I have kids too and I know their needs. It aint that bad...unless of course you have bad kids but that can be changed
OldOnTheInside Posted July 18, 2011 Posted July 18, 2011 Sorry but I dont buy it.... I have kids too and I know their needs. It aint that bad...unless of course you have bad kids but that can be changed You ever been a house hubby SC?
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