FWB which i know I have to end, but not sure how !!!

[Itscomplicated27]

I hope to keep this quite short.

 

I’ve known Paul for 10 or so years he was my boyfriend at the time friend. I had been with my partner for nearly 8 years but last October we decided to split, the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. All the time of my relationship I had always had a laugh with Paul and my boyfriend; last November Paul and I had a very emotional conversation about what we thought of each other (was a drunken conversation mind!)

 

The days that followed we continued to text/chat on the phone and became quite flirty with each other, eventually we gave into temptation and finally slept together.

 

We have been chatting seeing each other every so often ever since and have become quite close, he knows what I think of him it’s just so complicated as we are all still friends, I really don’t know what to do

 

Sometimes Paul will be sweet saying he wants us to be together and that he would tell my ex, his ex (whom I’m friends with) other times he will go cold. I have tried to end this on numerous occasions but we always seem to find a way back to each other.

 

Approximately a month ago, I went on another date and all during the evening I had Paul texting me saying how he cares, was jealous etc. Now this is what I don’t understand he still talks to his ex and we are so honest with each other that he has said he would like to get back with her, but in the next breath says it’s me he wants??

 

Every time I have tried to end things he just comes out with I’ll tell him/her, what makes it most difficult is that my ex and I are god parents to his child and I’m friends with his ex, so it would be very COMPLICATED!!!!

 

I have now finally had enough as I can’t be sure what he thinks, feels etc and not sure of the best way to say its over- I really would like to go back to being friends but I just cant see this being possible ;-(

 

How do you stay strong and say enough is enough? And mean it, even though they’re in your thoughts all the time.

 

Sorry if this is long and boring I just need to have a rant! lol

[smudge21]

Ending something and making drastic changes is always difficult. If it were easy, we'd never care and be doing it all the time. I can only say you note down everything you need to say and make sure it's clear and honest before you speak to him. Only you can make yourself do this - no amount of advice from here will make this any easier. It's you that has to make these changes. Just try to remember why you're making the changes and what will happen if you don't.

 

Going back to being just friends will be difficult but it all depends on how honest you are with each other and what you both really want.

 

I'd go quiet on him for a few days and think things through. No contact may help you think clearer before you make any decisions.

[grkBoy]

What you need to do is come clean and tell the truth in a rational manner.

 

The biggest mistake people make in FWB things is they try to see if it can lead to more, when they find out one side is perfectly happy keeping things in a "convenient sex" mode.

 

I give you credit because you want to end it. It says you're not hopelessly trying to nudge Paul into a full RL and you're not just clinging to him for convenience while seeking out a "willing to commit" copy of him. It says you want something more serious out of life.

 

What you need to do is tell Paul how you feel. You feel that things with you and him are complicated and you two obviously didn't work as a full relationship in the past. You tell him that you're not mad at him or think less of him or anything. Tell him he did nothing wrong, but make it clear you need more of life than what you can get out of him.

 

Simply tell him you're only blocking yourself from finding the right guy that you would end up marrying and such by staying in this "in between" thing with him.

 

NOW...if he gets all crazy, jealous, or even tries to suddenly convince you to try a full RL with him again, then it's up to you. You need then to bring up what broke you guys up in the past, and what you felt kept you two from being in a full on RL now. If his "cold" mode is what bothers you, tell him. Tell him you don't expect things to be flowers, romance, and fireworks all the time (I hope you're not expecting that), but make it clear that when something is bothering him about life or the RL, he needs to open up about it.

 

Now if he's bothered by commitment and monogamy, then he needs to grow up and not be in a RL. However, if he just had a bad day and isn't in a happy mood, he needs to open up and tell you. Let it out, invite you into his life. I know my GF pointed out to me once when I seemed distressed that I needed to open up, and I do now. I think it's horrible when you're sitting there and your SO is cold, and even though it has nothing to do with you, the fact that he/she doesn't open up makes you feel like it's your fault or that he/she doesn't love you anymore.

 

Anyway, I've jumped a bit here. Just tell him how you feel and what you want. If you seriously do not want anything other than friendship with him, then tell him. It's up to him to accept it or leave you. I just think there is nothing wrong with telling a FB or FWB that you need more, and you would rather have nothing if you can't have everything.

 

In all honesty, if he gets mad and stops talking to you, then it says how much of a friend he really is, and why you don't need him in your life then. I never had a FB or FWB, but I've had friends in my past who became overbearing and made things harder for me when I dated. I'm not friends with those people anymore.

[Itscomplicated27]

Thank you so much to you both for taking the time to write

 

I'm going to try the no contact route for a few days, very hard though as he'll go a couple of days and then will always text with a "hi" suppose just to keep my interest and muck up my head

 

I honestly wish with all my hear that i had never become involved, if anything we are going to or already have ruined a ten year friendship by crossing the line

 

I'm going to miss the friendship aspect the most but as you say if he was ever really a friend we will work this out in time and go back to being just friends (I HOPE WE DO )

 

When I first started out as FWB with Paul i wasn't looking for anything but fun, as I'd just recently separated with my boyfriend of 8 years and wasn't looking for anything serious, MY GOD how wrong was I not to develop feelings!!!

 

Paul has a very clever way of saying things he thinks I want to hear, even when I get to have the chat hopefully face to face, he'll try and turn it around by saying we confess to both our ex's, it's like then brushed aside and we carry on.

 

This time, I HAVE TO and I WILL end THINGS, I cant go on like this Im slowly going mental Errrrrrrrrrghhh!

 

To anyone considering having any type of FWB I thoroughly advise against it, I wish with all my heart I hadn't started any of this.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and your comments xxx