Lilmisus Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Something that has been bugging me since my ex and I broke up, is why he dated me in the first place. He told me from the beginning that he used girls in the past for sex, that he based relationships on whether or not they'd sleep with him, but that he was ready to change that with me. He was basically a player, before (should have taken his confession as a major red flag..but didn't) me, but swore those days had ended. When we broke up and it was obvious at the end of the relationship that he was still the same guy after all, it made me wonder what on earth he was doing with me for the year we were together, and when we didn't even do oral sex till 9 months in. Especially since he apparently wasn't "as into me as I was into him." I recently added Mr. Cute Guy on Facebook (I requested him), after a few friends said that there'd be no harm in it, and after talking to his friend a bit, and realizing that it was whatever. Since adding him, I have been opened up to a whole new world of photos of him and other girls. The most recent being of him with a chick (just laughing, arms wrapped around each other..could be friends, but doubt it) just a week before we met. 75% of these girls look incredibly easy...something that I am far from being. When I saw the pictures, they didn't affect me too much, though it did make me feel more like an idiot. I told my good friend about the photos and how they just made me wonder what on earth he was doing with me when he said that I seemed "innocent" and "good hearted" and all this crap. He was actually surprised that I was as into kissing as I was. When I asked her if I look as easy as those girls look, she said not at all, but it didn't erase the question: why did he take me out a few times, then fall off the face of the earth? Was I a challenge or was he (like his friend said) sincerely interested? When talking to a guy friend about this the other night, he said that he wouldn't count any guy who showed their true colors that were like my ex and Mr No Call, as a loss. He said that I seem like one of the few girls who actually cared about themselves, and that it's easy to tell. He also chose to throw in there that a few years ago, he'd do anything to be with a girl like me Which...only further makes me wonder why guys like these two seem to go after me, and then just..disappear. I'm definitely not losing sleep over mulling over this and I know none of y'all can answer any of these questions, but I'm curious if y'all ever wonder why someone chooses to go out with you? Especially when you know information about them like I know: that they get around with the ladies (or men). Or do most normal people just not care about why someone goes out with them?
KathyM Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I think you're wasting your time on the wrong kind of guys. These player types are only looking for sex, and there's plenty of women willing to give it to them, unfortunately. As soon as they get it from someone, they'll be on to the next. I'm not sure why they waste your time if they know you're a decent girl. Maybe they think they can get it from you also eventually, and consider you a challenge. Another notch on their belt. When they realize that isn't going to happen, they leave. They'd be leaving anyway, even if you did put out. Players don't settle for just one girl. They're onto the next before the dust has settled. Find a quality guy that has values and more going for him than these guys do. You deserve to be treated well, and you're not going to get that from those guys.
carhill Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Nope, I've never given it much thought. That's probably a function of active avoidance of the immeasurable amount of rejection that went along with those successes. As mentioned, men who prefer casual, non-committed relationships/associations develop what my generation called a 'black book' of different women they are romancing and/or having sex with. That way, no one woman controls their satisfying of their sexual or romantic appetites. What might seem like 'a long time' for one lady is actually just the next scheduled interlude after prior similar ones. If you're going after a 5% guy, the cream of the crop, and he's verifiably single, then there is a very large chance he's a black book guy. It's no different than a 5% woman; she has options and she mines them. It's human nature. When either/both meets 'the one', then the black book goes in the drawer, the underlings are dismissed, and the next generation of 5%'ers is positioned in their loins. When a woman accepts my kind request for a date, I know she's gone for a 95%'er and that's about it. Everything else is nebulous. Sometimes, secrets of the heart are a good thing
Taramere Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Nope, I've never given it much thought. That's probably a function of active avoidance of the immeasurable amount of rejection that went along with those successes. As mentioned, men who prefer casual, non-committed relationships/associations develop what my generation called a 'black book' of different women they are romancing and/or having sex with. That way, no one woman controls their satisfying of their sexual or romantic appetites. What might seem like 'a long time' for one lady is actually just the next scheduled interlude after prior similar ones. That's pretty much it. I don't think I've ever encountered a man who gave me any kind of "sleep with me or I walk...I'm not wasting time here" attitude. However people boast online or to impressionable friends about getting away with inflicting that kind of behaviour on others, in real life they're seldom so stupid or lacking in social intelligence to believe it's ever going to result in any more than a "well off you go then" response. More likely they'll just compartmentalise you and adjust their approach/perception of the role they think you can play to their advantage. I'm definitely not losing sleep over mulling over this and I know none of y'all can answer any of these questions, but I'm curious if y'all ever wonder why someone chooses to go out with you? Especially when you know information about them like I know: that they get around with the ladies (or men). Or do most normal people just not care about why someone goes out with them? Usually I'll have a pretty good idea of what it is a man likes about me....but it can be completely different things, depending on the man and how he perceives things. Sometimes what they're attracted to isn't so much you as a notion they carry around with them that they've projected onto you. Which isn't so good, because with people who do that you can just be being yourself and they'll suddenly accuse you of inconsistency...when the truth is that you're not being disloyal to your own values; you're being inconsistent with the idealised image they've projected onto you. The "good girl/prude" was one I was saddled with a bit in my teens and early twenties...primarily because I was shy, but also (if I'm honest) because I was actually a bit of a prude and still can be in some ways. People shy away from these labels in terror, but we're all comprised of things that can seem good or bad depending on the language you want to apply to them. We can be Quality "Prudes" in some ways and Adventurous "Trash" in others. My hunch is that something along these lines created the attraction between you and this guy. That you fulfilled the Madonna (as in Madonna versus Whore) fantasy...and maybe part of his attraction for you was that he put you into that box. Men can be incredibly flattering when they put a woman into that box. It brings out the dewy eyed poet in them...but that can't last forever. If generally he's a "player" then long term it's unlikely he'll connect on all the necessary levels with somebody far more conventional, good girl or whatever you want to call it. Thinking the other girls look easy....well, the chances are that they probably are more promiscuous, adventurous, easy etc than you. However it's not necessarily a good idea to apply those labels to other women. Apart from anything else, it stops you from seeing the full picture. "Easy" is a negative sounding trait, but it might be accompanied by lots of very positive qualities that you'll miss/distance yourself from developing if you focus too much on negative terminology like "easy". That's what happens if you let yourself be compartmentalised by a player as "the good girl" "the special one" or "the naughty but fun one" or any of these other flattering labels they often use to encourage women to stay in a particular box that's convenient for them. It pits women against eachother, and stifles their own personal development. Edited July 14, 2011 by Taramere
grkBoy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I'm definitely not losing sleep over mulling over this and I know none of y'all can answer any of these questions, but I'm curious if y'all ever wonder why someone chooses to go out with you? Especially when you know information about them like I know: that they get around with the ladies (or men). Or do most normal people just not care about why someone goes out with them? In your case, it's like you go to bars and drink beer every week for years, then one night someone shows you a fine cognac and you want to taste more to see if it's worth changing. Your playa at first saw you as different from the skanks he normally bangs...and I will say many playas will see this when they date the "nice girl". However, pretty much all of them can't let go of the easy sex they get from the eye candy girls, and thus they can't remain faithful or commit. For me, I've had many women date me because I made them feel good about themselves, when the hotter guys made them feel terrible. Unfortunately, these women still couldn't get past their hopes of an athletically cut guy who makes 6-7 figures and spends it like a rockstar. Thus why they all quickly ended it and went back to their old ways.
April72 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I have wasted time trying to answer that question myself. Why ??? You could literally tortue yourself with the Why ??? It's incredibly frustrating when an entire year is wasted on a guy that ends up like this... I know. Bottomline... them leaving helped you dodge a bullet.... say thank you and move on. There are quality men out there. And there will always be easy slutty girls in this world... there's no avoiding it. So just keep loving yourself and Mr. Right will eventually come along.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 In your case, it's like you go to bars and drink beer every week for years, then one night someone shows you a fine cognac and you want to taste more to see if it's worth changing. Your playa at first saw you as different from the skanks he normally bangs...and I will say many playas will see this when they date the "nice girl". However, pretty much all of them can't let go of the easy sex they get from the eye candy girls, and thus they can't remain faithful or commit. For me, I've had many women date me because I made them feel good about themselves, when the hotter guys made them feel terrible. Unfortunately, these women still couldn't get past their hopes of an athletically cut guy who makes 6-7 figures and spends it like a rockstar. Thus why they all quickly ended it and went back to their old ways. That's a good way to put it. I definitely think my ex was like that description, since I was very different from the girls I know that he used to go after, and our relationship was very different than what he was used to. Sure..his current relationship with his girlfriend is a lot like the ones he had in the past (he uses her for sex and to do his bidding, while living together), which only further proves that he never changed...which is sad. It just sucks though that I seem to get guys like this all the time. Either guys like this, or the ones who are just "too nice" or too much like a friend to date. It honestly makes dating frustrating for me since it's hard to tell if the guys is really nice, or just pretending to be nice, or is a "recovering player" like I have described my ex
KathyM Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I have wasted time trying to answer that question myself. Why ??? You could literally tortue yourself with the Why ??? It's incredibly frustrating when an entire year is wasted on a guy that ends up like this... I know. Bottomline... them leaving helped you dodge a bullet.... say thank you and move on. There are quality men out there. And there will always be easy slutty girls in this world... there's no avoiding it. So just keep loving yourself and Mr. Right will eventually come along. Well said, and very true. Why waste time with a player when there are many good quality (and good looking) men out there?
Casablanca Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I sometimes wonder this, I think I'm great...but I feel at times like how could anyone be as into me as I get into them... I got a little too spoiled as I had to serious gf's back to back that were all into me. I could tell them to jump and they would; but I would do the same. So I havent really found someone like those two where were into me like that and that I was into them...my most recent one was close, I was starting to fall for her, but she is having to move 6+ hrs away
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