DanielH Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I have had a penpal for a long time and for a few years now we have been emailing or chatting online everyday. She is now in the same country and town as me for a semester abroad. We have hung out a few times and she is everything I imagined. But now I am having trouble dealing with romantic feelings for her that lead to me feeling really bad about myself. It is hard to explain but it's basically like I want to spend every moment with her. I get very down on myself if plans fall through, or when she can't hang out with me. Or when I feel that I am more invested in it than her. Which is silly, she did come all this way just to meet me, but pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way about me. She has a longterm boyfriend back home so no hope of anything happening with her. I know it's stupid but over the years I guess we developed a close bond and now she is right here. I really need ways to control this so that I can be a good friend and not spend all the time she is here upset that I can't be with her all the time. Furthermore, this happens when I am interested in other girls too. I am very obsessive and not good at getting my own way. It wrecks havoc with my happiness and it's starting to get dangerous. I REALLY need to find a way to control this.
Author DanielH Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 Another example is right now she is clubbing and having a lot to drink for the first time. She txts every time she has a drink and tells me about all the fun she is having and I am jealous that she is doing this with other people when I would have really liked to have been around. I'm sick with jealousy but also close to tears for no reason. I think I am a depressed psycho.
thelovingkind Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 It sounds like you need other stuff going on in your life. And I don't mean just reading, etc. I like to always have a few interesting new people in my life at any one moment - not necessarily definite romantic prospects, just new friends, potential dates, chat buddies, random undefined chat / hang out type people. This helps ensure that when someone comes along that I'm really interested in, I don't become immediately obsessed. If I feel my attention starting to zero in on them too much, too quickly, then I can refocus on other people in my life. If your social life and romantic horizons are too vacant, then when someone wanders into view you risk swamping both them and yourself with feelings of dependency and need. Remember, you want her to like you, right? So try and be the kind of person that she'll like - someone who's got their own thing going on in life and people circling around them, rather than being the type of person to circle around others.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 It takes practice to prevent yourself from making expectations. You keep getting attached to all the situations, but youre not supposed to. Matter of fact, you dont get attached to any situation until you find out youre in control of it. Since you already know this girl isnt as into you as you are into her, you need to cut her off. You will only get more attached when youre making up reasons to fall for her, when you havent even met her yet. So stop talking to her. You already know she has a bf at home, you have no chance, theres no reason for you to talk to her anyway at this point, it will only lead to heartbreak. So shut it down now.Dont worry about how she feels, this is for your mental welfare.
Author DanielH Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 It takes practice to prevent yourself from making expectations. You keep getting attached to all the situations, but youre not supposed to. Matter of fact, you dont get attached to any situation until you find out youre in control of it. Since you already know this girl isnt as into you as you are into her, you need to cut her off. You will only get more attached when youre making up reasons to fall for her, when you havent even met her yet. So stop talking to her. You already know she has a bf at home, you have no chance, theres no reason for you to talk to her anyway at this point, it will only lead to heartbreak. So shut it down now.Dont worry about how she feels, this is for your mental welfare. Like I said I can't stop talking to her. She came a very long way, and spent a lot of money, just to spend a few months with me. I feel like there must be another way. I will however work on seeing her less. Not everyday as I have been the last week. How about finding a hobby? Do you have any friends you can hang out with? My life is passionless at the moment. Apart from movies, tv and comedy which I love to watch. I also like to drink and laugh with people. I do have friends but I think not a whole lot and I seem, or they seem rather, to be in a transition period where they have made new friends in their courses at uni and I haven't really. I am very shy. It sounds like you need other stuff going on in your life. And I don't mean just reading, etc. I like to always have a few interesting new people in my life at any one moment - not necessarily definite romantic prospects, just new friends, potential dates, chat buddies, random undefined chat / hang out type people. This helps ensure that when someone comes along that I'm really interested in, I don't become immediately obsessed. If I feel my attention starting to zero in on them too much, too quickly, then I can refocus on other people in my life. If your social life and romantic horizons are too vacant, then when someone wanders into view you risk swamping both them and yourself with feelings of dependency and need. Remember, you want her to like you, right? So try and be the kind of person that she'll like - someone who's got their own thing going on in life and people circling around them, rather than being the type of person to circle around others. You are right. Tonight I am going to an open mic with a few friends who are not this girl and I am looking forward to to that. But that is just one thing and I can't do that all the time. This is good advice though and exactly what I need to do.
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