HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 28, 2011 Posted July 28, 2011 Logically I know that but when men see a woman that has her stuff together he wonders what she even needs a man for and right or wrong men like to feel needed. ^^Agreed although not necessarily needed, more like they need to have that feeling that the woman looks up to them in a sense. Basically the guy wants to be that knight in shining armor and the easiest way to get that feeling from a woman is to get with a broken one... even if it's only for a while lol.
Author D-Lish Posted July 28, 2011 Author Posted July 28, 2011 Logically I know that but when men see a woman that has her stuff together he wonders what she even needs a man for and right or wrong men like to feel needed. I made my ex feel needed, even at my confident stage before all the crap of the pregnancy came to be. I have to admit though- we'd be out and someone would hit on me in front of him and he'd turtle and act differently around me. Like he blamed me for for a construction worker or a waiter saying something unsolicited to me. I'd try to make up for it by being overly affectionate- but he'd push me away, like it was my fault- even though I showered him with compliments. ^^Agreed although not necessarily needed, more like they need to have that feeling that the woman looks up to them in a sense. Basically the guy wants to be that knight in shining armor and the easiest way to get that feeling from a woman is to get with a broken one... even if it's only for a while lol. Well my ex had the most major opportunity to be my knight in shining armour- and he couldn't do it. I got pregnant, I was a mess- I was conflicted, and I was so upset. His reaction was to distance himself from having to rescue me. Things were so perfect until I got pregnant- then when I became the person that really needed him- he chose to abandon me rather than be my white knight. So this white knight theory doesn't hold true for all men.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I made my ex feel needed, even at my confident stage before all the crap of the pregnancy came to be. I have to admit though- we'd be out and someone would hit on me in front of him and he'd turtle and act differently around me. Like he blamed me for for a construction worker or a waiter saying something unsolicited to me. I'd try to make up for it by being overly affectionate- but he'd push me away, like it was my fault- even though I showered him with compliments. Well my ex had the most major opportunity to be my knight in shining armour- and he couldn't do it. I got pregnant, I was a mess- I was conflicted, and I was so upset. His reaction was to distance himself from having to rescue me. Things were so perfect until I got pregnant- then when I became the person that really needed him- he chose to abandon me rather than be my white knight. So this white knight theory doesn't hold true for all men. I think it holds true for all men. A lot of men panic when the situation gets over their head though. you getting pregnant was probably a slap in the face to your ex and he said "I don't want to be the knight any more, it's to much." Maybe you just need to start looking for that knight that will stand up to any challenge that presents itself. I know you're a disbeliever now but you just may find yourself believing when you find your knight .
Author D-Lish Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 I think it holds true for all men. A lot of men panic when the situation gets over their head though. you getting pregnant was probably a slap in the face to your ex and he said "I don't want to be the knight any more, it's to much." Maybe you just need to start looking for that knight that will stand up to any challenge that presents itself. I know you're a disbeliever now but you just may find yourself believing when you find your knight . I think it will be a VERY long time before I let anyone in again. Maybe I should pick a park bench, sit down and start crying, then see if I get hit on:lmao:
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 I think it will be a VERY long time before I let anyone in again. Maybe I should pick a park bench, sit down and start crying, then see if I get hit on:lmao: lol I'd hit on you But in all seriousness I'm sure you'll find your guy... and more importantly the guy won't bail when/if you get pregnant or if any other problems occur. he'll be there no matter what.
Author D-Lish Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 lol I'd hit on you But in all seriousness I'm sure you'll find your guy... and more importantly the guy won't bail when/if you get pregnant or if any other problems occur. he'll be there no matter what. True- the right guy would have stuck around. But I want to get back to that whole men being attracted to needy women, yet not realizing that needy women will always need validation- and will be more prone to cheat than a woman that is confident. This girl I am talking about isn't capable of being alone- so if she has a fight with her bf- she'll create a POF account or seek out an ex to hook up with. A girl that is needy, or incapable of being alone before engaging in a new relationship- is the one to watch out for. So here I am, presenting as confident, funny, smart, not hard on the eyes- and everyone wants to date the crying girl. I can't figure it out. Especially since the crying girl is a cheater- and the confident girl isn't. Women that are needy will always need validation- and they'll seek it anywhere. Why don't guys see that?
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 This girl I am talking about isn't capable of being alone- so if she has a fight with her bf- she'll create a POF account or seek out an ex to hook up with. A girl that is needy, or incapable of being alone before engaging in a new relationship- is the one to watch out for. So here I am, presenting as confident, funny, smart, not hard on the eyes- and everyone wants to date the crying girl. I can't figure it out. Especially since the crying girl is a cheater- and the confident girl isn't. Women that are needy will always need validation- and they'll seek it anywhere. Why don't guys see that? Typically guys by nature want to 'fix' things. finding a broken woman is an easy way of handling that nature because she is sure to have several areas that us guys fantasize about fixing. you being the confident, funny, smart, gorgeous woman that you are... guys may feel threatened/scared of you. those are all very attractive qualities but they are also very intimidating. Don't alter they way you go out or anything, if anything you should view this as a test against guys. only the strong will approach you (or dumb, that's another topic though). But in contrast to your "broken" friend she is as you say broken and in return she is much easier to approach. I think the chances your friend has of being approached by a decent or good guy are very slim, which arguably could be the reason she keeps getting broken.
MrNate Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 True- the right guy would have stuck around. But I want to get back to that whole men being attracted to needy women, yet not realizing that needy women will always need validation- and will be more prone to cheat than a woman that is confident. This girl I am talking about isn't capable of being alone- so if she has a fight with her bf- she'll create a POF account or seek out an ex to hook up with. A girl that is needy, or incapable of being alone before engaging in a new relationship- is the one to watch out for. So here I am, presenting as confident, funny, smart, not hard on the eyes- and everyone wants to date the crying girl. I can't figure it out. Especially since the crying girl is a cheater- and the confident girl isn't. Women that are needy will always need validation- and they'll seek it anywhere. Why don't guys see that? Because most men will take the easiest route possible to get their noodle wet.
Woggle Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 True- the right guy would have stuck around. But I want to get back to that whole men being attracted to needy women, yet not realizing that needy women will always need validation- and will be more prone to cheat than a woman that is confident. This girl I am talking about isn't capable of being alone- so if she has a fight with her bf- she'll create a POF account or seek out an ex to hook up with. A girl that is needy, or incapable of being alone before engaging in a new relationship- is the one to watch out for. So here I am, presenting as confident, funny, smart, not hard on the eyes- and everyone wants to date the crying girl. I can't figure it out. Especially since the crying girl is a cheater- and the confident girl isn't. Women that are needy will always need validation- and they'll seek it anywhere. Why don't guys see that? Because men feel like these women need them and many men tend to equate dependency with loyalty.
blueskyday Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 (edited) It's a false sense of intimacy. Yes, guys want to relate, to be needed, but who wants a guy who saves all women who don't have enough internal resources to try to save themselves a bit? Personally, I would never go cry in a bar. Get real. Cry at home. Bars ARE full of predators! Otherwise, Opening up to someone you are talking to is normal. Even crying to a stranger when that happens is okay, but it would still be rare and restrained. General information, not a counseling session. But generally, I like to relate to people out of strength. Vulnerability and intimacy are saved for those who are special to me, and trusted. I might tell a stranger that I am having a hard time with a break-up, but my radar would be up for any guy trying to "save me." He would probably save all women. Not a good boyfriend. If he simply talked to me, made me feel better and then went on his way, he's a good guy. But, I'm ultimately responsible for my well-being. Anyway, D-lish, how about unleashing a bit of your empowerment on your friend. Tell her that the emotional load is a little too much for you. Remember, you are not responsible for her. Be there to pick up the pieces, if it doesn't take too much away from you. Some people will take too much from you emotionally. They can't or won't help it. It's up to you to back away to keep yourself balanced. You can do that with love. I was like your friend once. I appreciated the friends who hung in there and helped me see my behavior wasn't so good. The best friends weren't invested in me taking their advice. They knew it was up to me to leave a jerk, or do whatever. They were simply there for me to point out a healthier way of thinking. That's what you are already doing for her. Edited July 29, 2011 by blueskyday
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 It's a false sense of intimacy. Yes, guys want to relate, to be needed, but who wants a guy who saves all women who don't have enough internal resources to try to save themselves a bit? Personally, I would never go cry in a bar. Get real. Cry at home. Bars ARE full of predators! Otherwise, Opening up to someone you are talking to is normal. Even crying to a stranger when that happens is okay, but it would still be rare and restrained. General information, not a counseling session. But generally, I like to relate to people out of strength. Vulnerability and intimacy are saved for those who are special to me, and trusted. I might tell a stranger that I am having a hard time with a break-up, but my radar would be up for any guy trying to "save me." He would probably save all women. Not a good boyfriend. If he simply talked to me, made me feel better and then went on his way, he's a good guy. But, I'm ultimately responsible for my well-being. Anyway, D-lish, how about unleashing a bit of your empowerment on your friend. Tell her that the emotional load is a little too much for you. Remember, you are not responsible for her. Be there to pick up the pieces, if it doesn't take too much away from you. Some people will take too much from you emotionally. They can't or won't help it. It's up to you to back away to keep yourself balanced. You can do that with love. I was like your friend once. I appreciated the friends who hung in there and helped me see my behavior wasn't so good. The best friends weren't invested in me taking their advice. They knew it was up to me to leave a jerk, or do whatever. They were simply there for me to point out a healthier way of thinking. That's what you are already doing for her. Yes, the crying at the bar thing was a little bit much. We were on a patio and she kept her sunglasses on. Myself and her male friend talked the other day and agreed that we weren't going to get sucked in as much. Now, she is dating this new guy and crying on his shoulder about her ex. I don't know why any man would accept that from someone they are dating...
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Because men feel like these women need them and many men tend to equate dependency with loyalty. That does make sense to me. However, as I explained before, needy women will seek attention elsewhere if they're not getting enough attention from the man they're with.
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 The men don't want to "date" broken women; they want an easy lay. Guys think of broken women as easy to get in bed. Women with issues and low self esteem are an easier target. I know that happens sometimes- but not in this case. These men want to be "involved" with her, they want a relatonship with her. One guy is a long time friend of hers and he wanted to date her.
Woggle Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 For men that is the case but most of it is insecurity. I have no desire to abuse my wife but sometimes I wonder why she is even with me when she can survive well on her own. I know it is my problem but I like to feel like I have importance and meaning in a woman's life. I fully realize how unhealthy this way of thinking is so don't get on my case about it.
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 For men that is the case but most of it is insecurity. I have no desire to abuse my wife but sometimes I wonder why she is even with me when she can survive well on her own. I know it is my problem but I like to feel like I have importance and meaning in a woman's life. I fully realize how unhealthy this way of thinking is so don't get on my case about it. I would never get on your case for that. Your wife doesn't know you feel the way you do- in her eyes you have a great amount of importance. She probably sees you as confident and independant as well.
carhill Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 IDK, ever see a woman react to a baby crying, especially her own? Heck, even a certain wail from my Siamese gets me going. I've never even considered it being about ego or 'getting laid', rather an emotional response of empathy to someone in demonstrable pain, but YMMV on that. Each of us is different. I've been 'faked' enough now to be a bit skeptical.
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 For men that is the case but most of it is insecurity. I have no desire to abuse my wife but sometimes I wonder why she is even with me when she can survive well on her own. I know it is my problem but I like to feel like I have importance and meaning in a woman's life. I fully realize how unhealthy this way of thinking is so don't get on my case about it. I just came to the realization that I've never dated a man that had the tendancies to take care of me- and I'd like to have that. It appears that presenting as confident is a strike against me. My male friend told me the other night that I'm unapproachable. I don't get that- when I'm out, I'm always laughing and smiling and telling funny stories... I would think those attributes would make me more approachable than a girl that is sobbing, lol.
carhill Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 If you see a woman crying at a table with her (girl) friend/friends, it's off limits..leave her alone and stick your dick someplace else. and a baby/cat crying...way different, man as well as a way different situation. Exactly Eric, I only 'stick my dick' in women I'm in a committed relationship with. However, that doesn't stop me from showing human compassion to the other tens/thousands/millions I encounter in life. I was describing the reactions to babies (and my cat) from personal experiences as well as those related to me by women I know. The circumstances are different but an emotional response is an emotional response. It exists, for some of us anyway. YMMV>
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 IDK, ever see a woman react to a baby crying, especially her own? Heck, even a certain wail from my Siamese gets me going. I've never even considered it being about ego or 'getting laid', rather an emotional response of empathy to someone in demonstrable pain, but YMMV on that. Each of us is different. I've been 'faked' enough now to be a bit skeptical. That's good insight C. I too react to other people's pain- I feel empathy and I want to help to fix them. I took on the role of protecter and counsellor immediately- I focused in on it right away. So essentially, I'm having the same kind of gravitational pull- just from a female's perspective.
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Well no ****...everyone does, mostly, including me. The thing is, she's crying about her troubles with you(her GIRL friend) and is no shape to be confessing all to some beer drinkin men at a bar that sweep over her like diseased, winged bats. We were at a big table mixed with guys and girls- all friends. It was MY male friend that met her that one time that tried to swoop in right away... And then HER male friend tried to swoop in a couple days later. It was just a casual patio- so no strangers swooping in, just within our group at the table.
carhill Posted July 30, 2011 Posted July 30, 2011 LEAVE HER ALONE. Correct. I never approach; they always come to me. Even a few LS'ers.
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 They were showing off how fakely compassionate they are in front of all the pretty ladies. A lay would be a hopeful plus. I don't know. Her last BF (the one she just got dumped by) met her at a party one week after her fiance' left her... She was a sobbing mess- and he pursued her like a cat chasing a mouse, and they dated for a year and a half. The problem was- her relationship with him was all about him helping her heal over her ex fiance'... On the day that was supposed to be her wedding day- she asked her bf at the time to set that day aside for her because she was going to be sad and wanted his support. Doesn't that seem F#cked up? Guess what? He set that day aside for her and coached her through her "sad day"... But they'd been dating almost 15 months at the time.
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 After that amount of time being with her, I would of hoped she could forget her EX... Well....he saw the light and dumped her....good on him, sorry. Well I agree- and I told her as much. One night we were all out and he was hammered, and he told me that he was sick of hearing her lament about her ex all the time... But he chose that role in the first place- because he picked her up when she was sobbing over her ex... So he must have known what he was getting into.
Author D-Lish Posted July 30, 2011 Author Posted July 30, 2011 Indeed, should of left her alone and swooned her when she was ready. There will never be a "ready" time for her. She's never been without a bf for more than a couple of weeks since she was 16. She's terrified of being alone- and is very open about that. She's just moved on to this next guy- and is leaning on him about her break up that happened less than 2 weeks ago... I told her she needs to take a year off- and not get involved. She doesn't know who she is without a partner. She defines herself through the person she dates. She doesn't know who she is, because she's always had a bf.
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