carhill Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 If you're asking about men in general approaching you, I really can't help with that since I've never interacted with you, but your friend, not having your 'hard' shell (the act, as you call it), just appears raw and vulnerable to a man, which brings out both the predator and protector in him. Powerful motivators, IME. You, OTOH, are a good time. One advantage to your style is the predators won't be as likely to go for you so saves you that trouble. I've met women (and men) like you describe yourself. My best explanation is that I can't 'read' them; their aura is confusing to me and my confused mind says 'no'. I have a couple of male friends who are like this and there's a definite barrier as to how close we can be. They're superficially fun but it's hard, nay impossible, to get to know them at a deeper level. I'm not saying that's your issue rather providing some examples of my own experience.
Author D-Lish Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 (edited) If you're asking about men in general approaching you, I really can't help with that since I've never interacted with you, but your friend, not having your 'hard' shell (the act, as you call it), just appears raw and vulnerable to a man, which brings out both the predator and protector in him. Powerful motivators, IME. You, OTOH, are a good time. One advantage to your style is the predators won't be as likely to go for you so saves you that trouble. I've met women (and men) like you describe yourself. My best explanation is that I can't 'read' them; their aura is confusing to me and my confused mind says 'no'. I have a couple of male friends who are like this and there's a definite barrier as to how close we can be. They're superficially fun but it's hard, nay impossible, to get to know them at a deeper level. I'm not saying that's your issue rather providing some examples of my own experience. I'm very genuine- that's something that is not an act. I really listen to people- take a genuine interest in them when I meet them. One thing I can tell you is that people open up to me- all the time. I think it's because people sense I don't judge. I make people feel comfortable around me- as down as I am on myself lately- that's something I know I am good at. We were out in a group the other night and this guy I'd met for the first time and known for an hour- told me he'd walked in on his exgf having sex with another man (and he wept a bit)- The people I was with that knew him well were in shock- because he'd never told them. My gf said to me the next day- "wtf, I've known him for a year and he's never admitted that". Honestly, people disclose pretty personal information and experiences ALL THE TIME to me- I'm really approachable that way. I always pick up on cues and I'll ask questions to draw people out. I don't think people would see me as having a shell- at least not initially. Edited July 19, 2011 by D-Lish
carhill Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 Hmm, ever feel invisible, not like not being there but rather like being so completely outside yourself that people don't feel compelled to look inside? Another area which gets traction is the 'broken' friend, while vulnerable, is likely completely self-absorbed (not in a bad way, just in a protective one) so people are reaching in to see what's up. OTOH, you, with the smiling face and engaging, aparently outgoing personality, are reaching into others sincerely, so less energy and interest is desired to be expended by others to 'discover' you as they are gushing on about themselves. I recall a dynamic with my mother like this where she appeared to be happy and outgoing, always interested in others and, like yourself, drawing them out, but people had a hard time getting to know her. Perhaps that's why she didn't have a male companion after my dad died, IDK. I remember my MIL mentioning that, as they were nearly the same age. She felt like she never really knew my mother. Hmm... Anyway, just some random thoughts, relevance unclear. Glad to read the dogs are doing OK.
Author D-Lish Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 Hmm, ever feel invisible, not like not being there but rather like being so completely outside yourself that people don't feel compelled to look inside? Another area which gets traction is the 'broken' friend, while vulnerable, is likely completely self-absorbed (not in a bad way, just in a protective one) so people are reaching in to see what's up. OTOH, you, with the smiling face and engaging, aparently outgoing personality, are reaching into others sincerely, so less energy and interest is desired to be expended by others to 'discover' you as they are gushing on about themselves. I recall a dynamic with my mother like this where she appeared to be happy and outgoing, always interested in others and, like yourself, drawing them out, but people had a hard time getting to know her. Perhaps that's why she didn't have a male companion after my dad died, IDK. I remember my MIL mentioning that, as they were nearly the same age. She felt like she never really knew my mother. Hmm... Anyway, just some random thoughts, relevance unclear. Glad to read the dogs are doing OK. No- I feel more like people really enjoy my company (and humour)- and always ask to hang out on a constant basis- both males and females. I'm open with people when I get to know them a little. Especially when it's a non romantic situation- I'll show them I am vulnerable. It might take some time though. It's the romantic situations where I fail miserably. I guess I've never really considered that people don't think they ever get to know me. Maybe at first I'll spend more time focusing on others to avoid being vulnerable- but I am a pretty deep person, and if you're my friend or lover- you'll know me very, very well.
Author D-Lish Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Guys are messed up. The 42 year dude that got rejected by my 24 year old broken friend is now asking me out. The other night he said in front of everyone that I was the kind of girl that was too much of a challenge- but apparantly he's feeling differently now because he's been texting me all day telling me I'm beautiful. I am really pissed off about guys right now. He's 42- I am 41- my younger friend is 24- He's hit on her and she rejected him- and now I"M an option? Am I supposed to be flattered by being the second choice? I am really becoming more and more bitter when it comes to men.
Author D-Lish Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 For every man who wants to date a broken woman there are 5 women who want to date an emotionally unavalible cheating crimal man. I kinda don't want that for myself personally...
2sunny Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 my male friend explained it to me... he said men get afraid that a confident woman will reject him. it would take an extremely confident man to ask an extremely confident gal - and not that many men are that confident. also said that - if interested - the woman should make the request to see him again... hence, opening the door and letting him know there's interest. your friend being broken and THAT vulnerable is just attracting the vultures that are circling... which is a horrible scene to watch. glad you were watching out for her best interest - that could have had a very bad ending... many gals end up getting harmed in those situations.
Author D-Lish Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 my male friend explained it to me... he said men get afraid that a confident woman will reject him. it would take an extremely confident man to ask an extremely confident gal - and not that many men are that confident. also said that - if interested - the woman should make the request to see him again... hence, opening the door and letting him know there's interest. your friend being broken and THAT vulnerable is just attracting the vultures that are circling... which is a horrible scene to watch. glad you were watching out for her best interest - that could have had a very bad ending... many gals end up getting harmed in those situations. I've heard that too, that it takes a confident man to ask out a confident woman. She's a very nice girl, but she's very needy- and I guess that's also attractive to most of these guys. It's starting to drain me a bit- trying to help. She just wants to jump into another relationship asap- because she says she's afraid of being alone- so in her vulnerable state, she's going to make a bad choice in a partner just to avoid having to be alone. She did this with her last relationship. She caught her ex cheating twice (and stayed with him- and minimized what actually happened). I've been trying so hard to get her to take a year off and get to know herself. I know she listens to me and looks up to me- but I think she'll jump into a new relationship quickly. The predatory behaviour I've been seeing lately is really quite appalling to me!!
123321 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 my male friend explained it to me... he said men get afraid that a confident woman will reject him. it would take an extremely confident man to ask an extremely confident gal - and not that many men are that confident. I think your friend is full of it. Maybe telling you what you want to hear?
Author D-Lish Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 I think your friend is full of it. Maybe telling you what you want to hear? Well, sunny is not the original poster- so she wasn't really looking to hear anything but an honest opinion from her male friend that has nothing to do with any of the situation I have been posting about.
123321 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well, sunny is not the original poster- so she wasn't really looking to hear anything but an honest opinion from her male friend that has nothing to do with any of the situation I have been posting about. "Confident woman" is often code for something else that's very unpleasant, just like "curvy" and "mature". No one wants to chase something unpleasant.
Author D-Lish Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 "Confident woman" is often code for something else that's very unpleasant, just like "curvy" and "mature". No one wants to chase something unpleasant. Do I look curvy in my avatar? lol. I don't think you've read the thread from beginning to end- because your responses indicate you're not understanding what we're talking about here.
123321 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Do I look curvy in my avatar? Not at all, I'm just saying that people often co-opt terms and redefine the meaning to suit their agendas. "Confident woman" is one of those hijacked terms, just like the others I mentioned.
123321 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 I have a gf that has just been dumped- she's not beautiful, she's average- and very naive. I've been bringing her out a lot lately because she's in a bad place. She cries and laments about her ex constantly- but my male friends want to swoop in and take advantage It seems like the more she cries= the more men swoop in and try and get in there. I don't get what men see in a broken women. She was sitting with me tonight bawling her eyes out at a pub- and guys were coming on strong to her. Predatory? Men in general can't help but be moved by a crying woman, it's part of our wiring.
Author D-Lish Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Men in general can't help but be moved by a crying woman, it's part of our wiring. Ah... You did go back and read the thread- Thanks for your input. I agree that men are moved by a crying woman...Initially. It must get tiresome if that crying woman you first meet ends up crying A LOT throughout the relationship. I know women that cry at the drop of a hat. That's got to be annoying for men?
123321 Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Ah... You did go back and read the thread- Thanks for your input. I agree that men are moved by a crying woman...Initially. It must get tiresome if that crying woman you first meet ends up crying A LOT throughout the relationship. I know women that cry at the drop of a hat. That's got to be annoying for men? It's only annoying because we can't stop being moved by it, IMO. It's like a normal mother trying to ignore a baby crying.
Author D-Lish Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Well I give up- it's hard to think you're making progress with someone- putting all your time and energy into trying to help- and they just decide to go back to old habits that haven't worked in the past. She's seeing someone- it's been a week?? Maybe 2? She met a guy on POF, had her first date with him right after the break up where she claimed she cried and lamented about her break up the whole time.... And he called her for a second date and she just called me to tell me that they have both decided to delete their profiles and date exclusively. WTF..... She's almost 25, and hasn't been single for more than a week since she was 16. But here is this guy she just met that wanted to see her for a second date when she cried and lamented over her ex on their first date. She's not understanding why I am frustrated and not happy for her. She was in tears talking to me yesterday- and apparantly today- she's ready to be exclusive with someone new. She's a broken young girl afraid to be alone- and I've tried my best to help her mature... But she doesn't get it. So much for trying to help...
Author D-Lish Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Agreed, men choose whether to approach or not depending on their own traits, has nothing at all to do with the target woman's traits. Did you read the thread from beginning to end?
threebyfate Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Did you read the thread from beginning to end?It's a troll. Don't waste your time on it.
Author D-Lish Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 'their next ex' Yeah, that's good And so true... What do I do? Try and reason and talk her out of this pattern or just give up? I'm about ready to give up. To be honest, I'm annoyed with her right now. She tells me looks up to me, she ALWAYS comes back after she goes against my advice and gets hurt and tells me that she should have listened to me...But she keeps making the same mistakes and then wants me to pick up the pieces so she can go on and repeat the same destructive pattern...
carhill Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 Each of us has our own path. Yours may be an example to her but she will walk her own path. IMO, better to accept it.
Author D-Lish Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Each of us has our own path. Yours may be an example to her but she will walk her own path. IMO, better to accept it. I guess, and I'm ready to distance myself as well. I've put in so much time and energy into trying to help- but I'm really just a sounding board she doesn't want to listen to. I don't want her to be a broken woman (girl)- but that's what she is. I've put in a lot of time- as I said I've known her since she was 14ish. Almost 25- and nothing has changed??? What more can I do.
betterdeal Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 It''s complex. You see someone hurt and you want to help them. It's not just women that have this empathy or kindness thing going on. Then if you conflate this primal urge to help members of your community with feeling horny, and you get a confusing mix of feelings. Maybe some are being callous, calculated swine, but I bet others are far more likely to be acting on that strange mix of instincts. And when people (men and women) are being open and genuine that's a very attractive thing to many people. Perhaps it taps into our inner self and seeing someone being outwardly real appeals to many people, men and women.
threebyfate Posted July 27, 2011 Posted July 27, 2011 She's very emotionally driven and no amount of logic or common sense will change the different way she thinks. All you can do as a friend is to be her sounding board. If it gets too frustrating, then back off and don't accept her invites to go out or come over.
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