am I a fool for waiting?

[Weakmind]

I am currently involved with a woman who is in a complicated relationship herself.

 

She and her guy broke off alot of times when the guy cheats on her byfinding prositutes and she found out. Their trust is gone and I got to know her when they broke up. After been together with me for a month she miss him too much and got back together with him. I feel that probably she was just trying to use me as a distraction to fOrget him.

 

This three way relationship hang on for about 4 months before she stop contacting me all of a sudden by changing her contact number. It was great pain to me as no reason was stated and it was too sudden.

 

Fast forward 4 mths later after she Mia. She contacted me again. They had broke up but seems like I didn't learnt my lessons. She told me to wait for her and 1month later she patched together with him once again.

 

Her guy works shift hence during his night shift she will stay over my place. I live in the shadow. I asked her what she wants and she told me that she just want to slowly let go of him and ask me to wait. So basically we can only meet up when he is busy working. On days he is not I can't contact her as well. It's painful for me to wait knowing that I can't contact her whenever I want to. She told me to wait till November when he leave for work oversea for 1.5 months. We will be traveling during that month and she said that mayb she can forget him during that period. There are many times I couldn't take it anymore that I can only meet her during his work days and she told me to endure cause November will be here in a blink.

 

Am I a fool? I feel like giving up many times but another side of me hope that November will make a different. Whenever we meet she will say how much she miss me and love me. But I dun understand if that's the case then why not be with me? She told me she can't let him go. Am I just been stupid?

 

I know that she still love him and he still wants her. He was caught just one month ago but she forgive him although She tells me she stay by his side to stop him from visiting prositute which dun make sense to me. I told her that I feels like the third party but she assure me that I am not but he is. Weird isn't it? Feels like I am being mind f*cked. She will sneak a few SMS to me when with him and update me how's her day etc.

 

Seems like the guy and I are sharing her but only I know. He is in the dark. Many times I want to leave and let them be together but she does not want that. She said that I am the one who can give her happiness while there is no trust with him and that they can't have a future together. I am only in misery because I still have hope in me that one day it will be different.. and I allow her to do this to me.

Edited July 14, 2011 by Weakmind
More info

[MissBee]

This woman has issues....she is with a man whom she doesn't trust, who buys prostitutes, continues to cheat and she continues to forgive and then goes back and forth then asks her lover on the side to wait as she maneuvers this other strange relationship that she says she can't let go.

 

You have issues too for desiring a woman like this...who definitely desires her philandering boyfriend more than she desires you. If she desired you more, HE would be the one waiting in the wings...not you. You're the warm, welcoming back-up for when Mr.Loser behaves badly and she feels hurt and scorned.

 

Let me clarify, I am not saying you are a bad person and I'm not trying to belittle you, what I am saying is that if you didn't have some stuff to work out yourself, you COULD NOT and WOULD NOT be attracted to her. I have been in dubious relationship scenarios myself, and trust, while the other person's issues seemed loud and clear, I had issues too for putting up with them, when it was abundantly clear that they had nothing to offer and needed to get themselves together. I sat around in codependent dynamics feeling like I could "help" or "love them towards healing" or love them towards prioritizing me and thought myself quite noble...FAIL! I clearly had issues too. You are in the same boat.

 

This woman has nothing to offer you....she is using you and doesn't need to be with ANYONE until she figures out why she is still dealing with this man.

 

You admit all the reasons why you hate the situation and I know you care for her...but I doubt this scenario will get better. Leave her be to sort her drama out and focus on you and why you find such a woman and scenario appealing...you may be surprised. She is not your best or only chance at a relationship. There is no reason to hold on to her (but feeling like you need to, speaks to some issue....I've been there, trust me). It'll hurt for a while, I won't lie, but eventually you will be better off and find a woman who is yours and yours alone, who isn't making you wait while she cozies up to some sleaze bag. You can get a waaaaaaaay better deal.

 

 

Btw....do you guys have sex? If she is having unprotected sex with her boyfriend who is also having sex with prostitutes..... You may want to rethink that whole scenario my friend. He is engaging in high risk behavior and she is likewise and so are you.....

Edited July 14, 2011 by MissBee

[Emme]

I know she makes you feel alive. The thing is she's killing you. I know that an attachment can grow very quickly but to let your life be wasted on a 4 month relationship is not worth it. Not only is she destroying you emotional but also physically (being that her man cheats with prostitutes). You know about the prostitution factor and still yet you wish to continue a sexual relationship with her. Baby walk away. Love yourself more. It's fine she's not carrying a STD but is that a risk with your life your willing to take. Think about it. The risk is already high with the two of you having sex outside of her relationship. There's too much jelly in this damn jar. Walk away. She loves you, fine. Tell her to find you when the relationship with her man who she has no children with and she's not married to is over. Those two reasons are perfect for her to walk away if she wanted to. She doesn't want to cause she's worried about his feelings... she's full a sh*t. Remember that when she talks about how much she wants to be with you... Instead of you who will love her and care for her she's willing to be with a man who cheats on her with prostitutes, prostitutes (and that's if it's true). She feels an obligation to stay because she want's to spare HIS feelings. Like I said, she's full a sh*t.

Edited July 14, 2011 by Emme

[MissBee]

I know she makes you feel alive. The thing is she's killing you. I know that an attachment can grow very quickly but to let your life be wasted on a 4 month relationship is not worth it. Not only is she destroying you emotional but also physically (being that her man cheats with prostitutes). You know about the prostitution factor and still yet you wish to continue a sexual relationship with her. Baby walk away. Love yourself more. It's fine she's not carrying a STD but is that a risk with your life your willing to take. Think about it. The risk is already high with the two of you having sex outside of her relationship. There's too much jelly in this damn jar. Walk away. She loves you, fine. Tell her to find you when the relationship with her man who she has no children with and she's not married to is over. Those two reasons are perfect for her to walk away if she wanted to. She doesn't want to cause she's worried about his feelings... she's full a sh*t. Remember that when she talks about how much she wants to be with you... Instead of you who will love her and care for her she's willing to be with a man who cheats on her with prostitutes, prostitues (and that's if it's true). She feels an obligation to stay because she want's to spare HIS feelings. Like I said, she's full a sh*t.

 

LOL @ "There's too much jelly in this damn jar."

 

Hilarious but poignant and accurate statement.

 

In most affairs, way too much is usually going on, but some scenarios expand the jar, so to speak, more than others. It's a hot sticky mess and you're trying to put the lid on it, but stuff is still spilling everywhere and it just needs to be discarded altogether. Such is Weakmind's case.

 

I can never think of any A scenario in which I think "Hmmm how nice...I want that too", but I can at least understand some more and the appeal. The issues in it aren't always obvious or jarring at first glance...then there are the cases that don't take a neuroscientist to see that it is a mess...there is just no two ways about it....

 

Also...Weakmind....the fact that you name yourself Weakmind....is very telling.

 

Anyway hon, it's good that you're questioning and atleast desiring more for yourself and I am confident that you will have the strength to do what's in your best interest!

[Weakmind]

The nick weakmind because no matter how ****ty she makes me feel but when I see her it seems I go all weak and give in. I have never compromise myself this way that seems like my pride and confident are dropping.

 

Hmm I can't think Of what issues I have to sort out myself at this moment of time. I been told that it's because I never fully had her that's why I am pressing on. Although I can't seems to find an answer to that. She is probably the first woman whom I had thought of marrying. Although we might face lots of problems. We are 6 years apart in age as well. She been older. She has two kids from her previous marriage (not with this guy). Sometimes I ask myself what am I doing as well. I don't mind thE backgound issues. I been told by her own aunt that if I wasn't well off she wouldnt be with me.

 

During the 4 months she Mia, I can't help thinking of her everyday but I resisted not contacting her as well. It was all good till we met up again and everything felt like just yesterday. I told myself to wait till novemeber and see if there will b any changes. I am just wondering if that's my excuse for myself.. Because Right now I know I can't bear to let go when there is this 1%hope.

 

She loved him alot. They even got a tattoo Of each Other name. I must be retarded.

 

Thanks for the replies all of you

 

And yap we are involved physically. Sigh.

[carhill]

A fool? No.

 

Misguided? IME, having been where you are a number of times, not just once, yes.

 

1. Unless you know her man personally or have paid a professional to shadow him, take what *any* woman tells you about her R/M with a grain of skepticism. People exaggerate. People lie.

 

2. When you say you feel like you're being mind-fµcked, you're exceedingly smart, because you are. A woman who can manage an abusive, cheating (if he really is) mate to get what she wants from him can manage a guy like you or me in her sleep. She doesn't even have to break a sweat. She knows all the buttons, how hard and how fast to push and just when to pull back to keep that kettle steamed up. IOW, she's an expert at manipulation (not uncommon for women) and she uses that gift women have to take advantage of your sincere interest and care.

 

Welcome to LS

[MissBee]

The nick weakmind because no matter how ****ty she makes me feel but when I see her it seems I go all weak and give in. I have never compromise myself this way that seems like my pride and confident are dropping.

 

Hmm I can't think Of what issues I have to sort out myself at this moment of time. I been told that it's because I never fully had her that's why I am pressing on. Although I can't seems to find an answer to that. She is probably the first woman whom I had thought of marrying. Although we might face lots of problems. We are 6 years apart in age as well. She been older. She has two kids from her previous marriage (not with this guy). Sometimes I ask myself what am I doing as well. I don't mind thE backgound issues. I been told by her own aunt that if I wasn't well off she wouldnt be with me.

 

During the 4 months she Mia, I can't help thinking of her everyday but I resisted not contacting her as well. It was all good till we met up again and everything felt like just yesterday. I told myself to wait till novemeber and see if there will b any changes. I am just wondering if that's my excuse for myself.. Because Right now I know I can't bear to let go when there is this 1%hope.

 

She loved him alot. They even got a tattoo Of each Other name. I must be retarded.

 

Thanks for the replies all of you

 

And yap we are involved physically. Sigh.

 

You should Google the site Baggage Reclaim and read some of the articles Although geared more towards women, it speaks A LOT to your situation and may shed some insight on what is going on with you and why you have become "weak minded" and have put up with B.S. as though it were a bouquet of roses.

[MissBee]

A fool? No.

 

Misguided? IME, having been where you are a number of times, not just once, yes.

 

1. Unless you know her man personally or have paid a professional to shadow him, take what *any* woman tells you about her R/M with a grain of skepticism. People exaggerate. People lie.

2. When you say you feel like you're being mind-fµcked, you're exceedingly smart, because you are. A woman who can manage an abusive, cheating (if he really is) mate to get what she wants from him can manage a guy like you or me in her sleep. She doesn't even have to break a sweat. She knows all the buttons, how hard and how fast to push and just when to pull back to keep that kettle steamed up. IOW, she's an expert at manipulation (not uncommon for women) and she uses that gift women have to take advantage of your sincere interest and care.

 

Welcome to LS

 

 

I have to disagree with the idea that she is managing this man....her boyfriend that is. She is a wreck in that scenario and what the OP is with her, so is she with this man. She (like Weakminded) is someone attached and enthralled by someone who doesn't love them, although they claim they do but have nothing to show for it, who constantly disappoints and betrays but she still goes back for more. I don't see how she's getting what she wants from her philandering boyfriend.

 

This is just a triple-decker mess. Like attracts like. She is attracted to this douche because of some brokenness and the OP is attracted to her ( a woman chasing a sleaze bag) because of some brokenness in him. I do agree that she is manipulating him and stringing him along as her safety blanket....but she is hardly "in control". She is a mess and has found a man who through his own issues is willing to allow her mess.

 

As for the rest of misogynistic comments...wellll....that's another matter.

[carhill]

No worries. I've got personal experience with numerous manipulative women to back up my advice and stand by it. You'll get no misogeny from me, lady. You will get straight up talk. Hope you're up for it.

[Weakmind]

Hmm she gathered and from what I been told is that he admitted to visiting prositutes. She installed a spyware in his

Mobile which can trace his gps SMS calls etc. I saw the msg by which the guy send to arrange his sessions a couple of time. So I believe it's true.

 

Yap she is good at what she does. I been told that I treated her too well and give in to her too much that she knows she have the power over me and take me for granted. Whenever I didn't treat her as well she will be super sweet to me and I will crumple once again. Yes I know it's my fault for not sticking to it.

 

Okay! I will google baggage reclaim! Thanks alot!

[MissBee]

No worries. I've got personal experience with numerous manipulative women to back up my advice and stand by it. You'll get no misogeny from me, lady. You will get straight up talk. Hope you're up for it.

 

 

I don't doubt that, but to make manipulation out to be some quality singular to women is what I take exception with. I have had quite a few run-ins with manipulative, asslcown men... however, I wouldn't discuss one of these assclowns and put in parentheses--(as men are often known to be)...since that's not an innate male trait, it's an asslown trait. But I don't want to hijack the OP's thread so early in the game....soo that's all.

[carhill]

Expect that she's been having sex with him. If you've had sex with her, congratulations, you've had sex with a prostitute by proxy.

 

Watch out for the Cheer's effect. That's the 'super sweet' to suck you in again. I call it the 'rubber band'.

 

TBH, I learned my best lessons from my former MW when the tables had been turned around many years later and she was the OW and I the MM. That's when I saw real skill in action. I hung it up; no way I can compete at that level. Some people go their whole lives doing this. They're professionals. She had been doing it, at that point, longer than you've likely been alive, and with numerous other men, by her own admission, over the years.

 

The best lesson I learned is a healthy and compatible woman will move mountains to be with the man she is attracted to and loves. Her interest will be elemental, not dependent on 'criteria' and not 'situational'. Think of how your love and interest for her is. Yep, that's what you're looking for.

 

Get the book and read it and decide for yourself what your path is. We each have our own path. Yours will necessarily be different than mine or anyone else's. Walk it. Own it. Good luck

[carhill]

I don't doubt that, but to make manipulation out to be some quality singular to women is what I take exception with. I have had quite a few run-ins with manipulative, asslcown men... however, I wouldn't discuss one of these assclowns and put in parentheses--(as men are often known to be)...since that's not an innate male trait, it's an asslown trait. But I don't want to hijack the OP's thread so early in the game....soo that's all.

I've dealt with my share of manipulative assclown men in life too, but the OP isn't dealing with one of those.

 

Women use words and manipulation like men use fear and their fists. They are tools. They can be used for good or evil. Each person decides that for themselves. The OP will make his own decisions about his circumstances. I never challenge other's advice, but if you call me out, I go for hurt. I've had plenty at the hands of women and I don't back down. That's it.

[Weakmind]

Wow u guys are good. Just briefly read thr baggage reclaim and I find so much things that are true!

 

Googled cheers effect as well.

 

Thanks alot! Seems like I got alot of reading up to do.

[MissBee]

Wow u guys are good. Just briefly read thr baggage reclaim and I find so much things that are true!

 

Googled cheers effect as well.

 

Thanks alot! Seems like I got alot of reading up to do.

 

Great, hope as you continue to read it helps to provide clarity and food for thought

[KathyM]

The woman is using you. Have some self respect, man. Maybe you feel sorry for her, but don't allow yourself to get sucked into this situation. It's unhealthy for you. Damaging to you. Find someone that is available and able to give you a full relationship. A normal relationship. Life is too short to waste it on this.

[Emme]

LOL @ "There's too much jelly in this damn jar."

 

Hilarious but poignant and accurate statement.

 

 

Saw the word prostitute and almost lost it. It's very hard to contain my lingo. I try to do it without coming across rude and nasty.

 

 

 

The nick weakmind because no matter how ****ty she makes me feel but when I see her it seems I go all weak and give in. I have never compromise myself this way that seems like my pride and confident are dropping.

 

Hmm I can't think Of what issues I have to sort out myself at this moment of time. I been told that it's because I never fully had her that's why I am pressing on. Although I can't seems to find an answer to that. She is probably the first woman whom I had thought of marrying. Although we might face lots of problems. We are 6 years apart in age as well. She been older. She has two kids from her previous marriage (not with this guy). Sometimes I ask myself what am I doing as well. I don't mind thE backgound issues. I been told by her own aunt that if I wasn't well off she wouldnt be with me.

 

During the 4 months she Mia, I can't help thinking of her everyday but I resisted not contacting her as well. It was all good till we met up again and everything felt like just yesterday. I told myself to wait till novemeber and see if there will b any changes. I am just wondering if that's my excuse for myself.. Because Right now I know I can't bear to let go when there is this 1%hope.

 

She loved him alot. They even got a tattoo Of each Other name. I must be retarded.

 

Thanks for the replies all of you

 

And yap we are involved physically. Sigh.

 

*Emme rolls up a magazine and wishes she could pop Weakmind in the head* (You are so lucky I'm not your sister)

 

Listen MR.

 

This woman is raunchy. Period. Ok look... if a woman wants a man on the side she is not going to tell him her man has been sexing prostitutes. It doesn't make sense. Not even a friend would you confide that to. Now this is a fact "she knows" but yet "she stays". Why!!! She doesn't have to. According to you her aunt says she wants you because you have money. That's another big reason to walk away. She hasn't she just wants your money and sex. And if you are giving her money stop, please stop. She's giving it to him so he can pay for prostitutes.

 

You better learn to let go and quick too. There is no way this woman should be riding you. She's bringing you her husbands left over prostitute juice. Your cup runneth over already playa, learn when to say WHEN. You don't want anymore, trust. For all you know she's telling lies on him. For all you know she's the real prostitute. No woman would risk traveling at night to another mans house. Who's taking care of her kids when she's having sex with you. She might be wh*re hopping from house to house in the middle of the night and you wouldn't know. You could be number 2 on her list of men she's doing. The story is just not sitting right with me.

 

All I'm saying is stop using that little head. Use the big one. It might just save your life. You are not retarded but if you keep this up you'll be mighty close. Now I know you don't want that to happen. Time to move on my friend. You can do it!

[Weakmind]

U guys are right. Once I stop giving her money she stopped. All these while she said even if I didn't give her money she will still want to meet me. Now that I stopped. She left. Ouch

[carhill]

It can be money, sex, validation, whatever. The one commonality with Hoovers is the one-way street of reality with them. Everything of any value flows to them. They let go of nothing of value. Give little, take a lot. Your gift from her was she let you love her. Ripe, isn't it? Yep, that's about it. The good news is each of these lessons is valuable. It's good information. Positive impetus for future healthy relations. Once you're there you'll laugh at yourself. It's life.

[Weakmind]

It's painful to learn all these truth. Valuable lessons I agree for now I know how she can make use of me and I allowed this to happen

[carhill]

No doubt, very painful. The pain teaches boundaries. Within them, a generous soul. Breach them and concrete wall. As they often say here on LS, we teach people how to treat us.

 

It's possible/probable/likely she'll make another appearance. Have those boundaries ready.

[Weakmind]

No doubt I am sure she will make her appearance when the guy screw up again.

 

I need to be strong despite feeling lost at heart. I gave in my best and everything. One who doesn't not appreciate that.. Doesn't deserve me or my time anymore. It's scary how humans can be

[sandrawg]

Solution to this: DON'T SEE HER. Go No Contact. ASAP.

 

The nick weakmind because no matter how ****ty she makes me feel but when I see her it seems I go all weak and give in. I have never compromise myself this way that seems like my pride and confident are dropping..