BrittanyB23 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Having a hard time maintaining NC and watching him move on to another girl after still talking, flirting, and attempting to be friends for the past SEVEN months after we broke up. I keep thinking about how much we had in common, all the fun and good times we had, and it's really hurting me watching him move on to someone new and seeing her SO attached to him. I never wanted any of the arguing or drama that led to our relationship ending, just wanted to make things right, and seeing her get what I want is tough, especially when he finds himself trying to be nice by "checking on me" from time to time knowing how I feel. How do I rid myself of this pain? It's only been 3 days since the last time we've talked, but we'v done this before, SEVERAL times before for the past 7 months since our breakup. We stop talking, he "checks on me", I respond to be "mature" but get in my feelings and then emotions get heavy, things blow up and the cycle repeats. I was doing fine up until today and then it got hard all of a sudden. I know there's a lot of self work I need to do for me before I get involved with anyone else and I've been trying really hard to combat negative thinking lately by listing something I'm thankful for each day. Right now is just a moment of weakness, I think I'm allowed to feel that, but someone reassure me that this WILL get better? I'm holding on to HOPE, why I don't know, because he's clearly moved on. P.S- He has a habit of keeping in touch with old girlfriends and girls he used to talk to and also flirts with them or starts talking to them again (briefly) when things don't work out with the new person he pursues, yet he says he can't see himself talking to the old girls "in that way" again.
bigmomma1974 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Do not take any of his calls, textes, emails. NC means just that. This doesn't make you imature by ignoring all contact from him. All it means is your wanting to heal your broken heart and the only way to do this is to be strict with the NC. It takes time for a broken heart to mend. There are alot of things you can do to help you while your dealing with this pain. Go out with friends, listen to up beat music, dance, exercise, walk or run what ever it is stay busy but no matter what do not repond to anything he sends you or if he calls you. Block his number, send his email to spam these things will make you less tempted to answer him, It gets easier in time.
Author BrittanyB23 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Thanks! I'm probably expecting/wating for something that'll never happen again. It's like I'm anticipating the next time we talk, it ALWAYS happens over time. It's like he feels better knowing we're still "cool" or something, but it always means something more for me, especially when the flirting starts, ughhh.
Author BrittanyB23 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 I think he's in a relationship now, but just last week he was asking me for erotic pictures. Ughhh, I feel like crap. Please help!
thinkinglots Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I know your feelings, my ex has lead me on for 6 months just like your story. He was dating another women and then said he wanted me back so we started talking and seeing each other. my thoughts were that we would start slow and see were things would go then I was told he was with her over the weekend we fought and then I started NC 4 days ago. IT IS VERY HARD!!!! but we both need to stick with it that is the only way to break the chain and move on.
geegirl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 "I think he's in a relationship now, but just last week he was asking me for erotic pictures. Ughhh, I feel like crap. Please help!" Ok, let's see. He is in a relationship now. And this other girl has such a prize on her hands. A boyfriend that she marvels at thinking she's just hit the jackpot. But little does she know that he talks to all his old girlfriends. He flirts with them. And some of them probably send him erotic pictures as well. And who knows what transpires after the exchange of dirty pictures. If he is asking them from you, he's asking these other girls as well. And they so oblige him because their self-esteem is in the toilet and he's walking around feeling grand because all these women just cater to his every need. Let me ask you something. How do you think he views you or perceives you when you know he's in a R with someone else and you're there as his fallback girl? For one moment, do not think he respects you nor her. For one moment don't even think it's because he loves you. For one moment don't even think that flirting and wanting pictures is a sign that he wants you back. You're a toy to him. He will play you for whatever he can get from you, because, you're there. Readily available to cater to him. Where is your pride and dignity? Your self-esteem is in the tank. Do you think you're the only one he's finagling? Nope. You're one of many enablers out there that will lay on the floor and be his doormat. And he knows it. Why do you think he talks to his old girlfriends? Because they're all just like you. Sitting around in his harem waiting to please. Another thing, you should hope for better in your life. You should never settle. It would be one thing is he was an upstanding guy with a moral compass. If you sat there hoping, I would understand. Good guys are hard to come by. Really, ask yourself if this is the man you want in your life. Write a list of values you seek in a relationship and a man and see if he matches up. I bet you'll have to scratch out the big ones like TRUST, HONESTY, FIDELITY out of your list when it comes to him. Fun good times and having things in common like enjoying the same ice-cream and baseball is great but dig deep and see if you have fundamental values between the two of you to have been able to build a foundation. Most likely, not. You are going to be dealing with indefinite pain if you keep in contact with this man. He is not good for you. He is just using you. Keep NC and your pain is temporary and in time you will start to realize that you weren't really losing anything of substance. Trust me, in time this current girl will be on his list of fallbacks. You ask, "How do I conquer this?" Complete and strict NC. No other way around it.
Author BrittanyB23 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Thanks everyone! @geegirl you make some good points, but really he is a good guy. He's smart and he and I share the same values and wants out of life. My insecurities played a huge role in our relationship ending, but at the same time it seems like he doesn't know how to have a real relationship idk. Things were going great but when problems came up, he would just shut me out not wanting to talk, see each other or go out and that bothered me a lot. Instead of just giving him some space and time and focusing on me I kept trying and trying to get him to open up and to work things out but it seemed it only pushed him away. He does have a ton of female friends (most that he's attracted to or used to talk to) that he has a habit of staying in contact with especially when he's not in a relationship or when things are going wrong with girls he talks to. Almost like theyre there for him to fall back on when he wants and I refuse to be that. It just sucks because he seems really into the new girl and all I wanted was for us to work our problems out together. His whole attitude is that there is always something better though. And it seems he has a habit of letting things go when problems come up instead of changing his approach to it or realizing the role he plays. It's hard because I know he is a good guy and when he does get serious he can be a great boyfriend, it just seems as though he only wants things when they are good, not bad and for the bad times he just talks to the other chicks. Ughhhhh
geegirl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 How does he share the same values with you. He can't stay committed. He can't communicate on a healthy level. He's immature when it comes to dealing with demands of a relationship. It seems like he only likes the "fun times" that come with an R and a girlfriend, anything more is effort and he has no interest in investing. He's the kind who will always be looking for the next best thing. The moment he starts getting bored, he's out there looking for something else. That's why he can't invest. He knows he is going to want something better at some point, as you said. He may be a good guy. But don't romanticize him when it comes to what you want in a relationship and a healthy partner. He's a great catch when he wants to be? He's a great guy when he wants to be because he wants something at that moment in time. When it doesn't go his way with you, you demand or object or he feels controlled, he turns his attention to other women because he doesn't want to deal with all that. A great boyfriend will show you consistency.
Author BrittanyB23 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 You're completely right! I guess I just thought I was the best but now it seems like he found someone better. I just feel like the new girl is everything he wants and more and I wasn't. Btw, as bad as this sounds I'm hoping they dont work out. I shouldn't care but I do. He just seemed like the best, everything I wanted and more compared to my relationship before him, but I guess he lacks the maturity in making a real relationship work.
geegirl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) You're completely right! I guess I just thought I was the best but now it seems like he found someone better. I just feel like the new girl is everything he wants and more and I wasn't. Btw, as bad as this sounds I'm hoping they dont work out. I shouldn't care but I do. He just seemed like the best, everything I wanted and more compared to my relationship before him, but I guess he lacks the maturity in making a real relationship work. He hasn't found better Brittany. He's just found someone he thinks is better because she's on her best behavior. He doesn't feel stiffled, pressured or controlled, which are emotions he probably feels when commitment is required. No one will be better for him. It's all very superficial. He's enjoying the honeymoon phase. The moment she starts to make demands and the relationship becomes real to him and he has to put effort into the R, he will start to fall back on his harem of girls 1) because they're easy 2) they have no expectations 3) he doesn't have to invest and while he does that, he will start looking for another "next best thing". You're in romance land with him right now. He is not the best and you'll see that when you want more for yourself. Someone who is the best won't run from you and seek other women, they won't shut down when you communicate and they won't bail when the going gets tough. His "best" is very surface level. Edited July 14, 2011 by geegirl
Author BrittanyB23 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 THANK YOU!!! Guess this next girl wil have to always be on her best! She already has other priorities though (single mom with young kid) so idk just how much they can really do, but I keep thinking about what if they do work out and I don't ever get anything better?? I'll always regret my actions of trying too hard. But I really need to work on myself first though.
geegirl Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 THANK YOU!!! Guess this next girl wil have to always be on her best! She already has other priorities though (single mom with young kid) so idk just how much they can really do, but I keep thinking about what if they do work out and I don't ever get anything better?? I'll always regret my actions of trying too hard. But I really need to work on myself first though. If they do work out, what do you think she'll have? You think she'll get this "best" boyfriend you were talking about. She's get the same thing you did. Someone who dabbles with ex girlfriends. He's in an R and he asks you for erotic pictures! And trust me, you're not the only one he is asking. So, great that she gets to work it out with someone like that. I'm sure he is a prize. You will find better when you get better. But you need to work on yourself. Better doesn't just fall at your feet. You have to be emotionally smart and healthy in weeding out the good and bad. And most times when you have issues that you haven't taken care of them, most likely you will go back to old patterns and make bad choices.
Author BrittanyB23 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Very true. I'm going to just focus on me! Thanks for all the advice.
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