AmberJ Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 So, my boyfriend and I have been basically attached at the hip for a year. He's over at my house everyday. As soon as I get off work he'll come over, whenever he has a long lunch break he'll come over for that, and then come over again for dinner and stay until 11-12 at night. This was working out and everything, but he went out of town about a week and a half ago... suddenly I find myself LOVING this freedom. Being able to go out for a run whenever I want (instead of trying to fit one in early before he comes over), I have more time to dry and straighten my hair which makes me want to go more places. I have more time to pick out outfits, and I'm making a ton of friends at work now that I have so much time to spare. I'm afraid when he comes back it's just going to bring me down... I know we both love each other a lot, but I never knew that I loved being independent and I'm afraid he won't be able to accept that I want to hang out with other people and have time for myself as well. He likes it so that every moment we can be together, we are. This time apart has realized that that just doesn't work for me. He's coming back on Monday and part of me is kinda dreading it because he usually just wants to sit around and watch TV or something. The past week I've been constantly working and running and I love having a way to release this energy. I feel horrible thinking this. How should I talk to him about this... should I try to tell him how much I'm enjoying it while he's still on vacation so it doesn't take him by surprise, should I wait till he gets home.. how exactly do I go about wording this?
Woggle Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 This is the beginning of the end. If you like it better when he is not around there is not much hope.
Author AmberJ Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 " I'm making a ton of friends at work now" and "He's coming back on Monday and part of me is kinda dreading it " - HAHAHAHAHAAH poor guy. You will cheat on him with one of the "tons" of your new male " friends". When he comes back, if you really love him, you will tell him that you dreaded his return. But you will not....how I knew that?....it's MAGIC! Actually I work at a women's clothing store... I mentioned to one of the girls that he was out of town and I've been hanging out with a few of them. Usually when they ask I tell them I'll be with my boyfriend that day, but now I didn't have that excuse and I've really enjoyed getting to know them. Maybe dreading wasn't the right word. I'm excited to see him and everything, but I've been enjoying getting out and doing things so much that the thought of the usually 'eat/watch TV' just doesn't sound appealing. I'm not sure he'll be able to understand that.
bigmomma1974 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 everyone needs time away from one another even married couples. Be honest with him and explain to him that you would like free time. Time to go on runs and to hang with friends. I see nothing wrong with this. If he has a problem with this he will need to learn to adjust to you wanting to hang with other people or you 2 need to end things. I am married and I go out once a week with friends if it fits into our budget, he also spends time with his friends as well. I have just had this issue but only reveresed, we are not spending enough time together as a couple so we had a huge Talk and decided that we needed to make time for us.
Author AmberJ Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 everyone needs time away from one another even married couples. Be honest with him and explain to him that you would like free time. Time to go on runs and to hang with friends. I see nothing wrong with this. If he has a problem with this he will need to learn to adjust to you wanting to hang with other people or you 2 need to end things. I am married and I go out once a week with friends if it fits into our budget, he also spends time with his friends as well. I have just had this issue but only reveresed, we are not spending enough time together as a couple so we had a huge Talk and decided that we needed to make time for us. I guess at first in the relationship we'd only see each a couple times a week. Over the course of a year and a half we gradually started seeing each other more often. From a couple times a week, to most nights, to every night, to every day/night. I guess this dependence happened so slowly I didn't realize it until I was forced to be independent again. Now I realize I kinda miss being my own person. He won't be used to me saying 'no, I can't see you today I'm doing such-and-such.' but we'll see how he takes it. :/
make me believe Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 You should NOT feel bad for this. The amount of time you guys are spending together seems overboard. He even comes over on his long lunches?? Sheesh. He may be hurt at first that you want alone time, but it's a totally normal & healthy desire. Just tell him that while you love spending time with him, you need time alone & with your friends as well. A balance is much more healthy than what you currently have going on. Doesn't he have friends that he wants to hang out with every once in awhile?
grkBoy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Tell him you love him, but you need some "me time". If he can't handle that, then he's a clingy freak who is suffering from codependency. I think most guys just need to know you're not dumping them or "shopping around for a BBD". I am a firm fan of "me time" and love to keep balance.
grkBoy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Same story. If she can't handle it, then she needs to grow up. My GF was a bit clingy in the beginning, and when I have freelance work to do or need alone time, I make it clear. She knows I love her and such...but I can't spend every waking moment with her. Men and women need to be strong and ready to let someone go if they're going to be irrational and/or insecure to an annoying point.
Author AmberJ Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 You should NOT feel bad for this. The amount of time you guys are spending together seems overboard. He even comes over on his long lunches?? Sheesh. He may be hurt at first that you want alone time, but it's a totally normal & healthy desire. Just tell him that while you love spending time with him, you need time alone & with your friends as well. A balance is much more healthy than what you currently have going on. Doesn't he have friends that he wants to hang out with every once in awhile? Yes, he has a group of friends that he sees maybe 2-3 times a week. They mainly hang out at night, and since I have really early shifts most days he just stays with me until I say I have to go to bed. A balance is exactly what I want. Since he's always the one to call or text first to ask about coming over for lunch, or asking what time works over, I'm not sure he'll be a fan of balancing things. My GF was a bit clingy in the beginning, and when I have freelance work to do or need alone time, I make it clear. She knows I love her and such...but I can't spend every waking moment with her. That's what our relationship turned into. It wasn't like it at first, but it happened so gradually that I really didn't even notice how much of my own time and hobbies I was giving up. Now that I suddenly have time to get back into things I used to enjoy doing myself, I'm realizing how much time I actually spend with him.
Els Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 What does he say when you go for a run, or spend time drying your hair etc, when he's around? Does he actually complain or do you yourself just feel that you shouldn't? What I mean is, the problem might just be in your own head.
Author AmberJ Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 What does he say when you go for a run, or spend time drying your hair etc, when he's around? Does he actually complain or do you yourself just feel that you shouldn't? What I mean is, the problem might just be in your own head. I guess I just feel rushed to finish running, finish getting ready, etc. He doesn't complain, but I can't help but feel a need to get done with everything when he's just sitting there in the car or sitting on my couch alone. I'm 21, so I'm still at my parent's house.. I just feel a little weird having him sitting there by himself when my family's in and out. Maybe he'll be happy to learn that I don't require him to go to the track with me, and he doesn't have to wait around for me. And if not happy, at least understanding.
Els Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Yes, he might actually be happy to learn that. Before making this into an issue I think you should just start doing those things first and see his reaction. If you want to be considerate, maybe when you make your plans you can just tell him, "I'll be going for a run til 7pm" etc.
Author AmberJ Posted July 22, 2011 Author Posted July 22, 2011 Here's an extremely long update on what's been happening this week: He got back really late Monday night and we didn't hang out because he was still jetlagged from his trip. I told him I was working an evening shift the following day so if he wanted to hang out before that I could. He told me he had some errands and unpacking to do in the morning, but maybe at night. My shift ended a little after 10, and since I had to be back at work at 7 AM the next day I explained to him that I was wiped out and needed some sleep but my shift would end at 3:00 on Wednesday. So 3:00 rolls around, and I texted him that I was gonna go for a quick run and get showered and he could come over around 5:00. He gets there and we catch up a little, eat dinner, watch some TV, etc. It was nice to see him again, and I was having a good time with him. This is kinda where things fell apart. He asks me about my plans for the rest of the week. I tell him that I'm off tomorrow (which was Thursday) and I'm going to the river with some work friends. I work Friday night and Saturday morning and (at that time) didn't have other plans made for either day so we could decide on stuff to do on either/both of those days. He was really bothered that on my only day off I had already made plans with someone else. He told me he felt sick and left around 9 or so. On Thursday I get a text around 8 AM that he wants to talk. I told him I was already up and he could come over to talk and join me for a run if he wanted to. When he got to my house, he told me how sad he was that I didn't want to spend as much time with him as he wanted to; his feelings were really hurt that I didn't want to hang out with him Tuesday night and that I wanted to fit in a run before I saw him on Wednesday. I told him that I still wanted to see him and i still liked the time we spent together, but I wanted to make time for things to do by myself or with others as well. He said okay, we went for a run, and then parted so we could get cleaned up and I could go out with my friends at around 2. So, after a few hours with my friends I get a text from him asking me if I wanted to have dinner with him. I say yes, but I wasn't sure what time I'd be leaving the river. He goes on to tell me how bored he is. :/ I tried to change the subject away from his boredom and he sarcastically says that I should have invited him to come too. I left the river at 7 and called him to tell him he could leave his house in about 10 minutes so we could have dinner. When we got together I tried to tell him about my friends and what we did, but he looked so uneasy about me having fun without him that I felt guilty talking about it. He started saying he left sick again and wasn't sure if he could even eat dinner. Finally I got him to eat and he showed me some pictures from his trip and we watched a couple shows. I started getting sleepy around 10:00 last night since I had woken up at 7 and been outside all day. He got irked at how tired I was and said that if I really wanted to spend time with him I'd be able to stay awake. I don't wanna break up with him, but he's not giving me a chance to be my own person or do anything for myself. Is there anything I can do or say to make him more at ease? I thought maybe this morning we could have spent some time together before my shift, but he sleeps really late so i haven't heard anything from him yet. He'd be more than happy to hang out at night I know, but with an evening shift tonight and an opening tomorrow I don't know how I'll be able to be too much fun tonight, which is gonna make him more mad. Also, I know that earlier this week I mentioned to him that I was free Saturday after 1 PM, but now I'm supposed to help my family get my grandma's house ready for an open house and I'm terrified of how he's going to react to me saying I can't see him until maybe 5 or 6 instead. He's very dependent on me for his happiness which is putting a lot of pressure on me. I'm scared to mention anything about friends or work because it'll make him sad again. What can I do for him? I want him to start being more independent himself but he seems to have no interest in doing that.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 22, 2011 Posted July 22, 2011 OK, I love spending time with my man and will generally do so whenever I can -- but this guy is way too clingy and codependent. Some time to yourselves is very healthy. It's good to have a chance to miss each other sometimes. He sounds very far gone, and I don't imagine he's going to take well to this adjustment at all. But you have to try to wean him off revolving his entire social life around you. It's just not healthy, and it's clearly not good for you.
Els Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Okay, let me state firstly that I don't agree with his way of dealing with this at all. But on the other hand, you two hadn't seen each other for 1.5 weeks... then you had only one day off the week after that and you booked it up with friends? I guess I would be a little annoyed by that too, tbh. It's fine for a casual R, but if I was committed I'd definitely not book up the only day off I had after a 1.5 week absence unless I had no choice (family obligation, etc). I'd actually want to spend the day off with him, since we wouldn't have had a proper day together for the past 2+ weeks. Sounds a little like incompatibility to me. Depends on how far you two are willing to compromise I guess.
make me believe Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Also, I know that earlier this week I mentioned to him that I was free Saturday after 1 PM, but now I'm supposed to help my family get my grandma's house ready for an open house and I'm terrified of how he's going to react to me saying I can't see him until maybe 5 or 6 instead. Pay attention to this feeling cause it is a HUGE insight into how unhealthy your relationship has gotten. He is trying to control how you spend your free time and manipulate you into feeling guilty for doing anything without him. His happiness is not your responsibility, and he's putting you in a totally unfair position. You are only 21, you should be able to have fun with your friends, your family, AND your boyfriend both together and separately. You can try having a talk with him and explaining the feelings you've written about here, but my guess is he's not going to take it well & he's going to continue to try to make you feel guilty for wanting a life outside of him. I'm glad that you're mature enough to realize that your situation is not healthy for either of you. If he isn't willing to change, and quit the pouting and "feeling sick" everytime you do something without him, then you definitely need to break up with him. He sounds really psycho, tbh..
zengirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Okay, let me state firstly that I don't agree with his way of dealing with this at all. But on the other hand, you two hadn't seen each other for 1.5 weeks... then you had only one day off the week after that and you booked it up with friends? I guess I would be a little annoyed by that too, tbh. It's fine for a casual R, but if I was committed I'd definitely not book up the only day off I had after a 1.5 week absence unless I had no choice (family obligation, etc). I'd actually want to spend the day off with him, since we wouldn't have had a proper day together for the past 2+ weeks. Sounds a little like incompatibility to me. Depends on how far you two are willing to compromise I guess. I agree. I mean, I think the attached-at-the-hip thing is overkill. HOWEVER, you guys hadn't seen each other for awhile. His whole "felt sick and left" thing seems a bit much, but I do think it is kind of odd that you wouldn't want a day together when he got back. I think either way, it seems like you two are growing apart or whatever. But it seems like the OP didn't even want catch-up time with him, and it's totally okay for him to be bummed by that. Also, I'm not really sure why he cannot go to the river too with your friends? My BF is generally invited if I'm going somewhere and he wants to come, unless it's a true "girl's day." Is there some reason you guys can't hang out in a group that I missed?
Author AmberJ Posted July 23, 2011 Author Posted July 23, 2011 Okay, let me state firstly that I don't agree with his way of dealing with this at all. But on the other hand, you two hadn't seen each other for 1.5 weeks... then you had only one day off the week after that and you booked it up with friends? I guess I would be a little annoyed by that too, tbh. It's fine for a casual R, but if I was committed I'd definitely not book up the only day off I had after a 1.5 week absence unless I had no choice (family obligation, etc). I'd actually want to spend the day off with him, since we wouldn't have had a proper day together for the past 2+ weeks. Sounds a little like incompatibility to me. Depends on how far you two are willing to compromise I guess. I know I planned my day off without him, but I also told him we could hang out Wednesday night, Friday morning, and Saturday night. The river's a bit far away and it would've been too much of a rush to try to drive there and back on a day when I had to work too. Also, I'm not really sure why he cannot go to the river too with your friends? My BF is generally invited if I'm going somewhere and he wants to come, unless it's a true "girl's day." Is there some reason you guys can't hang out in a group that I missed? Well, I guess I'm a bit more outgoing and he tries to stay right by me the whole time instead of trying to mingle and meet people. That's why we've always just hung out alone.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well, I guess I'm a bit more outgoing and he tries to stay right by me the whole time instead of trying to mingle and meet people. That's why we've always just hung out alone. DRAG. My first love was kind of like this, and it was A DRAG. It was like taking a child along with you instead of your lover. It sucked. None of my friends had any idea why I was with that guy.
Ross MwcFan Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 This is the beginning of the end. If you like it better when he is not around there is not much hope. Maybe she just like the temporary aspect of him not being around but not the permenent one.
zengirl Posted July 23, 2011 Posted July 23, 2011 Well, I guess I'm a bit more outgoing and he tries to stay right by me the whole time instead of trying to mingle and meet people. That's why we've always just hung out alone. Have you tried introducing him to your friends and trying to get them comfortable with each other? I never expect a SO to go "off on their own" if I bring them somewhere with people they're not as familiar with (nor would I appreciate that personally, if it was reversed, even though I am social and love socializing---if someone brought me, I expect them to be a decent host unless I also know the people as well). I don't think it's all that odd to stay right by a partner most of the day/night if you go somewhere together though. I don't know too many people in relationships that don't do so, especially if it's not a very long relationship or it's just one person's crowd. (I do have some friends who will like throw a party at their house, with all their friends, and not be all together-together, but if they were to go to a place where one of them knew people much better than the other, they'd stick together.) I just figure that's what being relationship oriented is: being in a partnership. I understand not wanting to hang out with him every day, but if it were me, I'd want my partner's day off when returning from a trip---not ALL those days, but I'd want to be the big attraction on their day off not a trip with friends. Also, in general I think he's just reacting to the "not so into it" vibe you're putting off since he's obviously dropping on the priority list for you. That, to me, signals the end is likely near. I might be wrong, though. Just my read.
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