adrift30 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Where to begin, well I'm a 30yo married father of 2 and I'm strongly leaning towards divorce. My wife and I have been married 5yrs but together 13. She was my high school sweet heart and I've never felt this way before about anyone else. We have two daughters 3 and 19months. And I have to admit that if they weren't involved I'd already be gone. I can say that I do love my wife but just feel that she doesn't love me enough. My wife has wanted children since we first met and I was insistant on waiting until we had life by the balls. We both had alot in common and enjoyed spending time together. We had a great sex life which we both seemed to need and enjoy. This all ceased about 4 yrs back. She and I had gone North for a nice vacation in the mountains. We spent lots of time making love and skiing/shopping/dining. When we returned home she was complaining of stomach pain and went to the DR. She ultimatly turned out to be pregnant. She was excited and I was nervous. Several weeks in she began having pain. Long story short she ended up with surgery and lost a fillopian tube. The following months were HELL for us both. She was so unhappy and depressed and I had no way of making it right. It almost seemed that she blamed me for the event, she even jokes about it being my fault. She was of course able to get pregnant again and it became her life's mission. A year later my first daughter was born and I those who say it's a life changer are understating it. I never kwew I could feel that way about a child. The first look into her eye's I was changed for ever. I took a great deal of time for me to adjust to the father role and give up the freedom I had known proir. 16 months later we were pregnant again with my second daughter. Again a life changing event and I still amazed we made it through. This is where my troubles seemed to begin. In the beginning of our relation ship I had concerns with her family due to her mother and stepfather's odities. Very disfunctional to say the least. It seemed my wife recongnized it in them and was aware that it wasn't normal. Through out our relationship the interferance was been frequent but managable. But her mother's lack of involvment with out children has been cause us major issues. I finally had to get involved (though I tried to stay out of it) and make sure my children were safe from irratic behaviour. The situation is straining our marrage and my wife seems depressed and unhappy with me the kids and family. I have to beg for sex and I've expressed my feelings over and over with her. I've asked her if it's me or is there something I can do to help. She had put on a bit of weight during the pregnacy and has been struggling with a negative body issue ever since. She seems not to really care about life the kids or me at times and has become extremely lazy. She even has been paying bills late just because she doesn't feel like "dealing with it" to quote her. I finally insisted she seek help with a shrink. I told her I'm unhappy and was thinking of leaving her. I get choked up just writing that with the thought of leaving my kids. When she went to see the shrink she suggested marriage counseling for us. It's now been 2 months and when I ask her about it she seems not to care. I'm at the point where I feel I deserve better than this and feel like giving up. I love my kids and wife so much but can't stand the thought of living my life this way. I works so hard to try and make her happy but is seems I'm failing. I try and talk with her one on one and she just won't communicate with me. I really have now one I can talk to since my friends don't have anything constructive to say. I tried to talk with my mom about it but she always seems to back my wife. Is there any hope and fixing this if she won't or can't tell me what's wrong. I think it's her depression but I've just had about all I can stand. I'm sorry for the longwindedness of my post but I felt it important to get all the details out so your contructive critizim can flow.
Steen719 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Postpartum depression can last for quite a long time and can require medication to alleviate the symptoms. Did the Psychiatrist suggest any medication? She sounds like she has symptoms of depression. Find a new Dr. and get her some help before you give up on her and your marriage.
monik Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I agree with STEEN719. From the way you described it, you two still love each other, and I don't think you should think about separating. It could be post partum depression, it could be hormonal swings, but your wife definitely need to seek help for her depression. Just be there to support her...when she sees that you are totally there for her, she'll see it and things will get better! Good luck!
Steen719 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Oh and make sure it is a Psychiatrist or if it is Psychologist, they are in an office with a Psychiatrist, as a Psychologist cannot prescribe medications. (In U.S) Good luck!
Author adrift30 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Thanks so much for the reply. I felt so much better just getting it off my chest. I sat down last night with her and explained how I felt. I felt a little naked at times but brutally honest. She did explain that she was indeed depressed and needed help. I told her she has to want to make it better and all the lip service and talk was not going to change anything. She was quite emotional and talked of feeling overwhelmed which leads me tto think it's definatly post postpartum. She recently decided to stop with birth control pills and discontinue her axiety meds. I didn't know this until last night. I still feel upset but I'm willing help her through this.
Steen719 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 My best to you and I hope things get better for you and for her soon. At least you are trying, which is more than a lot of people do.
Author adrift30 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 Well, the rollercoaster ride continues for me. After my wife and I talked I had hoped for real change and progress. But it seems I just got more lip service. I've tried to be supportive of her and have been taking care of the kids so she can attend weight watchers and other needed activites. She tells me she loves me and my reply is always the same. I said love is shown not just lip service. She's started a new job so of course the world has been all about her. Due to all of her ups and downs I decided I needed to separate some of the bills because she was getting lazy with regards to payment deadlines. We agree to split the bill and who would pay what. Since the split things have been going well on my end. They've been better on her end also for the most part. The way it is now, we both know what are obligations are and what we need to make to cover them. I should mention that she's an RN with a 24 hr primary job and 2 per diem positions. The per diem jobs were sold to me as finincial gains as the pay rate is better with more flexible hrs. Her primary position requires her to work every other weekend. So this means I've got the kids. Since my kids are small it really limits my activites to the weeks I'm not watching them. My wife know that she needs to have daycare available when she works at the per diem positions and lately has been not working much due to laziness and daycare. I explained to her that I understand but she still has her finacial obligations and bill to pay. She rolls her eyes and sticks her head in the sand. I've asked several time about making and appointment with a MC and she seems to blow it off. So last night we carpooled to work and on the ride home had very little converasation. At one point I was talking about my day when she interupts me to tell me the coffee shop made my coffe wrong. At the point I was infuruated and decided to just say nothing else since she obviously didn't want to hear what I had to say. The night before she had asked me to meet her in the bedroom(first time in several weeks) and I fell asleep on the couch. The next morning I apologized and told her I'd make it up to her that night. Well the evening comes and I find she's sleeping in our 3 yr olds room. I sweetly wake her by gentle caress. A few min later she comes to bed and I was under the assumption we were going to be intimate. After a little while I just flat out ask for sex since the subtle approach isn't working. What insued was a pathetic excuse and waste of time. Apparently I wasn't doing anything right and was made to feel as if she was doing me a favor. At this point I'm so disgusted and depressed I don't know what to do. Before children we had an amazing sex life I never had to beg always satisfied her and we were happy. She says she loves me and how great of a father and husband I am but the treats me like ****. I just feel like if she really cared and truly loved me she's show with actions rather than just lip service. My wifes and her mother have the idea that instead of dealing with issues. The just ignore than and hope to wear you down. I feel I deserve better but it's killing me to think of leaving my kids. But I don't want them to see me so unhappy. My 3 yr old has begun asking me if I'm happy. I feel so guilty that she picks up on this. I never agrue in front of the kids. We really don't argue at all I tell what's wrong and she says nothing back. I ask her aren't you even going to reply? She then says what do you want me to say? I just can't take this bull**** anymore. Adrift30
KME39 Posted July 29, 2011 Posted July 29, 2011 Well there are several things here. Did she ever go see someone about her PPD? Or did she just kind of fluff it off? Has she seen a pyschologist for dealing with her own issues? Have you thought about seeing someone to maybe learn some communication skills. I know that when I told exdh something he only heard about 1/4 of what I said. I would write down what I needed him to do in black/white and he still didn't do it. Is there someway that you could find a nanny to help you some? Oh and losing weight is hard. I have dropped 80 lbs myself and struggle everyday with the food addiction sometimes.
Author adrift30 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Posted July 29, 2011 I don't think I have any issue's with communication. I express myself without getting angry and always ask if I'm not seeing something or being sensitive to her feelings. She just blows off the counseling. Both for us and her individually. That's what is so damn frustrating. All the talk and no action is what I can't take. Her parents are extremly selfish people and always put themselves ahead of there children and each other. We vowed to never be that way but everyday she becomes more like her mother. I just can't stand to be miserable because she has no desire to seek help.
Recommended Posts