MissMoni Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Hi all, Sorry I haven't been on lately but I've been working a lot of long hours and spending time with friends and family, going to parties, etc. Even went to a party the other night and danced with a cute guy who asked my name (Wow..I never thought I would be typing that again, lol) Anyway! Here is my question. I know we usually get the dumpee's point o view here, and as I dumpee, I would appreciate a dumper's insight on this, or maybe any dumpees if this has happened to you... Why can't our exes just be happy for us?!?! I don't understand. My ex claims to be my "friend". We dated for two years, broke up in October, and in the beginning, he was still somewhat supportive of my endeavors. When we broke up, he called me talented, beautiful, all that jazz. Yet, when two of my biggest accomplishments happened in the past few months (getting close to a 4.0, losing 30 pounds, graduating from college, and getting a high paying job straight out, to name a few) I heard nothing from him. At all. Which is odd, considering he wished me luck on the interview for the job on Facebook. When I got the job, he said nothing. However, he is quick to congratualate mutual friends on their accomplishments, some of which (not to be mean) aren't really even half of what I have done. Why do dumpers do this? Why do they say they just want us to be happy and then when we do well for ourselves, not even have the decency to wish congratulations? He graduated a year ago and is still living with his parents/doesn't have a job, so I don't know if this might have something to do with it. I've gotten to the point where this doesn't sadden me anymore, because I have learned not to expect anything from him. After 9 months, I am feeling stronger and better each day. But I'm just curious. If I found out he got a job, I would be geniunely happy for him and wish him all the best. Note that we aren't out of eachother's lives. We don't really talk at all, but we have communicated on FB or via text numerous times. I understand no one's answer will tell me why my ex is doing this, but I just wonder...have any of you experienced this? Or if you are a dumper and kept your distance, why? I used to tell myself it's because he didn't want to give me false hope, but I def don't want to be with him and I think that's pretty obvious since I'm not going out of my way to contact him, and haven't for months. In addition, he has wished me a happy bday, merry christmas, etc. I am very happy to get to the point where I know I don't need him, but really? Why must he be so weird.
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 keep in mind that I am also the dumpee and haven't experienced this, but here's my take on things... he dumped you, "I can do better without this person." must be something that crosses the dumper's mind before/when they do the dumping. you got a high paying job right off the bat and now I think he's thinking "she can do better without me?" which I think you can imagine would take it's toll on someone's ego. Basically he sees your life going somewhere when he is still jobless and living with his parents. I'm sure he didn't think this would happen when he broke up with you.
Author MissMoni Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Yeah, I guess I really never truly know "why". I guess I can't assume the worst. It just confuses me, because he'll comment on completely random things, like me liking a new website, for example. I know that in the end it really doesn't matter what he thinks. But it still hurts just a bit that he would completely ignore my accomplishments, even though they are things he has known I have been working VERY hard for, even when we were dating. *shrug* his loss...I just know that the next guy will be very lucky to have an attentive, caring, and geniune woman.. If I ever date anyone else, lol
TearyEyedPride Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 i'm a dumpee, but honestly... I think it's because they subconsciously only half mean it. They say they want you to be happy and wish you all the best, so that you don't feel bad that they don't want you anymore, and they're half wishing that it'll help you move on, and still see them in a good light because they weren't complete *ssholes about it. On the other hand... Once you do start to move on... they get a little insecure wondering what you're doing and how you're doing and why your life seems to be going ok without them. That's when they start throwing out the breadcrumbs... trying to see if you're as strong as you really seem to be, or whether you're still that person they dumped. Some of them say it's "really just to see how you're doing"... but once they see you're doing ok... or better than them... either they feel fine with just moving on with their life, stringing you alone, making you the permanent friend or fading away from your life. Or they harness these feelings of doubt or jealousy and don't know to quite approach you while dealing with them. Again... I can't say for sure... but those are my thoughts on it.
wilsonx Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Ok, this honestly depends on the breakup and the dumper's mentality. There are some people out there who know for 100% certainty that the relationship is not what they want. They dont play games, they end it and let you go. These are the mature dumpers. Its their decision, they know what they want and you just aren't it. It happens all the time. Then there are the in betweens that aren't really sure. Thats why they try to keep you around as a friend or a backup plan just in case the relationship they are going into doesn't work out. Then there are the people who have no clue what they want. They make destructive decisions. They are completely egocentric. They are childish. They think the world revolves around them and they control you. When they break up with you, the beat you into the ground for their own sense of value. Then they have the nerve to say lets be friends because they want to have their cake and eat it too. These people say stuff like, I know you can't not talk to me or live without me (My ex actually told me this the night before she moved out lol). They break up with you because they finally have someone they can leech off of for the next couple of months. If your ex falls into this category let me tell you, that moving on without them will actually scar them for life. I'm serious. The night my ex broke up with me, she was still angry that her 3 year boyfriend before me moved on without her within 6 months. I remember sitting in the chair and laughing when she said this. This was over 2 and a half years later and she's still scarred by this. I was talking to one of my old bosses at the gym I use to work at and she told me you know what, those type of people live ****ty lives. She said she had an ******* ex that did the same thing to her 40 year ago and look where he is now. He's divorced has a kid, old, bald, fat and went no where in life. Look at where I am. Who do you think is happier? 2
Author MissMoni Posted July 16, 2011 Author Posted July 16, 2011 Yes, I suppose you all are right. I need to just stop thinking about it, but I can't help but wonder. Wilson X, My ex never really did have much self esteem. He acted confident around everyone else, but after dating him for 2 yrs, I know a lot of that was an act - he grew up without having close friends at all. It just seemed as soon as he dumped me, he became mr confident and popular! I do not get it for the life of me. He ignored me because he didn't want to "distract" me, yet he is the one without anything going for him...I hate to say this to sound bitter or angry, but I really don't get why someone who supposedly cared about you can't even take a second to reach out and congratulate you. It's not like I'm sitting around like "Oh my life is so much better than yours" to him. I'm just trying to move on.
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