I am a little healed, can I afford to give him a second chance??

[DoubleRainbow]

This guy and I are co-workers(both single, 40), same department. He started giving me signals 5-6 months back, the affection in his eyes cannot be misinterpretted, he did everything possible( non-verbal, and (indirect verbal) to make me understand that he was interested in me. My guards were up initially(due to personal losses,I did not date/consider someone for past 9 years) but then I started liking him, too. Gradually, I developed feelings for him,got emotionally attached to him.He did see and acknowldge this change. We had not really dated, yet.

Then, the unexpected happened. He shut down completely on me, stopped talking to me, started ignoring me. I did try to ask but did not get a concrete answer. (I might be wrong, but twice I felt that while talking to his friends(when i happened to pass from there)they made fun of me.) I so wanted him back...things back to normal, but apparently he did not know what he wanted.I was obviously very hurt.Soon after this, he went out for a 2-month out-of-state assignment. i did get a lot of help from here...the Loveshack Relationship Experts and I am so thankful for that.

 

NOW THE MAIN REASON FOR THIS POST:

He called me today, that he wishes to speak to me, face to face( when he comes back on Friday ,I did not really insist on knowing the reason, as I would also not prefer on the phone/email)...there was a lot of desperation, sincererity and urgency in his tone. So I am assuming that he might talk about us or may be feel sorry for what happened in the past. NOW, i am so confused how to react if thsi happens.

**I had used this period to heal from this shock...i kept reading posts here at LOVESHACK and saw how much pain people go thru in such relationships where one of the partner is not sure about himself. Then I thanked my stars that at least it was not a relationship yet, otherwise even more emotions invested.

I am going over(with myself ) the pros and cons

CONS: he is unpredictable, not sure about himself, AT WORK RELATIONSHIP IS USUALLY A DISASTER,all the stress definitely effected my work before(my company has no policy of dating coworkers, though) i am not even completely healed, and what if after a few days/months, he again acts the way he acted before.

PROS: He is the one I opened my heart to, after nearly a decade, I REALLY like him..and I know that I HAVE almost turned back to being stone-hearted.

 

Guys, please help me..what should I do...I am quite sure that he will talk about us being in relationship or something like that...

Edited July 13, 2011 by DoubleRainbow

[Forever Learning]

I havent read your other posts yet but it seems that you are nervous / overwhelmed because of so much uncertainty and fear of being hurt.

 

When you haven't been in a romantic relationship for 9 years its no wonder you are so nervous. Do you realize that is true for just about everything in life that you haven't done in a long time? You get a bad bad case of the nerves about it.

 

Used to ice skate in my early twenties, loved it. Haven't in a long time. I'm just thinking of if I were to try put on a pair of skates right now and hit the ice full blast, that would probably be a guaranteed disaster with medical personnel involved lol.

 

Point is, when you get rusty on anything, it gets scary as sh*t when you finally try to do it again. Takes time to get your mojo back.

 

Maybe you shouldn't view this person as the 'end all, be all' as far as your future love life is concerned. Develop some boundaries, take it slow, and if you don't see alot of 'Red Flags' popping up everywhere, then allow it to progress as you see fit. Take it day by day, best philosophy.

 

But if he starts a pattern of flakeing out off and on in the future on a regular basis, well that isn't much fun and you probably won't want to hang around for that roller coaster ride for very long, - especially if you

already have this boundary firmly established in your mind (no roller coaster / flakeiness ).

 

Just make sure your butt is in the driver's seat of your life. Don't hand over the keys to someone else. Don't let their behavior dictate whether you are over the moon or crumpled up in a corner bleeding to death of a broken heart. Easier said than done, educating yourself with reading the wisdom of others, and their experiences, is key to understanding and alleviating fear of relationships and being in love.

 

good luck!

[DoubleRainbow]

Just make sure your butt is in the driver's seat of your life. Don't hand over the keys to someone else. Don't let their behavior dictate whether you are over the moon or crumpled up in a corner bleeding to death of a broken heart. Easier said than done, educating yourself with reading the wisdom of others, and their experiences, is key to understanding and alleviating fear of relationships and being in love.

 

good luck!

THANKS SOOOOO MUCH!!! I promise, i will follow this wholeheartedly!!!!

[sugarmomma]

I hate to say it but more than likely he will act that way again. That kind of behavior is a character issue. You want someone who would not think of shutting you out like that and hurting you.

 

I think you need to continue to heal and date other people. You are newly back in the dating game and he does not sound worthy to me. I would suggest that you go extremely slow with this guy. You didn't mention if there was any sex involved but if it is I would really run away from this situation.

[Forever Learning]

I hate to say it but more than likely he will act that way again. That kind of behavior is a character issue. You want someone who would not think of shutting you out like that and hurting you.

 

I think you need to continue to heal and date other people. You are newly back in the dating game and he does not sound worthy to me. I would suggest that you go extremely slow with this guy. You didn't mention if there was any sex involved but if it is I would really run away from this situation.

 

i agree with how sugarmomma spelled it out too! her assessment sounds even better than mine. this guy's character worries me.

 

what if, when you meet him face to face, he tells you not that he is sorry about leading you on in the past, but that he thinks you guys should have the most minimal of contact in the future?

 

I only say that because I just thought of it, and I want you to ready yourself for this possibility. It would be so crushing if that is what he tells you and you were not expecting it whatsoever.

 

Just keep that possibilitiy in your mind just in case, so you are prepared for the worst. I just can't tell what's up with this guy, so you can't rule out him telling you something of this nature instead of saying he would like to date in the future.

 

Hang in there and don't let this guy be the center of your universe right now, bad idea! Try to have other social outlets and develop a support system of good friends. That's true for anyone, not just you. Good luck!

[DoubleRainbow]

I hate to say it but more than likely he will act that way again.

You didn't mention if there was any sex involved but if it is I would really run away from this situation.

Thanks a ton, Sugarmomma...i think u r right, & no, absolutely no sex here, not even a hand shake so far

[DoubleRainbow]

. this guy's character worries me.

 

I want you to ready yourself for this possibility. It would be so crushing if that is what he tells you and you were not expecting it whatsoever.

Hang in there and don't let this guy be the center of your universe right now, bad idea!

thanks soooo much for your time and concern, and yea I did not think at all that this can be a possibility, too.

You guys here are angels, you know...providing this kinda advice to the people at distress is also kinda service to mankind. Thanks a lot!!

[Forever Learning]

thanks soooo much for your time and concern, and yea I did not think at all that this can be a possibility, too.

You guys here are angels, you know...providing this kinda advice to the people at distress is also kinda service to mankind. Thanks a lot!!

 

I think of this place that way too!

 

I hope I am building good karma for myself LOL!

 

In any event I know I am learning alot.