fanatic31 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I have posted here before and received some good advice, but this week I seem to not be doing so well. I am about 3 weeks NC (except for the two random texts I sent without response, yes I know stupid) Long story short, it was a short relationship, but this was the first girl in about 3 years (since my divorce, wife cheated) that I really fell for someone. I had been guarded with women until her. It went pretty quick. She pushed it at first saying she was falling for me and always wanting to hang out, then I kind of "jumped in" with her. We were together alot, met families, traveled, communicated often etc. There was that click that I had just not found in the last few years. I can honestly say I that I clicked more with her than my ex. Stupidly, I thought this was it for me, yes I was in love with her. (we are 31 and 27) Well after a few months she started acting a little different. Gone was the future talk, etc and she was pulling back a little. Finally after a weekend we spent together (where she was talking to our friends about a later weekend getaway all together) she said she needed to slow down, that she was scared, that now that she was in this she wasnt sure it was what she wanted at this time, etc. Haha, the famous last words. Well slow down meant stop after a few weeks. And yeah I pushed to try to not have that happen at first before being relinquished to my fate, which I guess was a mistake (lesson learned, when they want space make it permanent and if they come back its a win win). Here is the thing, nothing was wrong when she checked out. I treated her great, we got along great, there were zero problems. And then she just checked out. I went back in my head and looked for problems or signs and just cant see them. Regardless, at this point I have gotten my act together, done the self improvement thing and even started dating again. But I miss her terribly. I walked past her work today on the way to lunch and it just triggered all the times we met for lunch. I guess I am just ranting, rather than texting her. I do believe that if she wanted me she would move mountains to make it happen (which it won't), I know I deserve better than what she put me through, I know that I can do better, but I just miss her. It sucks now because this is the month we had all kinds of things we were supposed to do together, and now gone. I think the trick is to always care less than the other person, and that is so sad to say. It shouldnt be like that. It kills me not to confront her, although as you all say, she's gone so what does it matter why. Thanks for listening to the rant.
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 The trick is to watch her from an outsiders perspective. Its called observing ego. It means you are watching yourself and your interaction with her in real time and making decisions based on the situation. When you are watching her when she comes closer to you, pull her in, seriously give her a hug and not say anything. Now when she starts distancing herself from you, you have to let her go. This has nothing to do with her. This has to do with you and protecting yourself. You can say hey whats wrong and shes going to give you the typical woman response... nothing! I can almost guarantee you that when you saw her distancing herself from you, you tried harder and harder and harder. (Ok I just read that and you saw that so thats good). You always have to pay attention at all times. You as the guy never be the one to talk about the future, let her do all the talking and just smile and listen and I mean really listen. If you are listening to what she is saying shes telling you the story. Its your job to lead the way there if that's what you want to do and not talk about it. When you start talking about it and showing no action thats where things go south and attraction is lost
lovesickmonkey Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 You are not alone, not by a long shot. It's a terrible thing, when they leave with no fighting, no sign of anything wrong, they just want to leave. Everything you did together, all the time you spent, the things you shared seemingly adding up to nothing. Like you said, you should always care slightly less than your lover. Terrible thing. Or maybe it's important to be completely happy with yourself, whether you're with someone or you're alone. I was guilty of reliance on someone else for my happiness. That was a mistake. When mine left me she made me feel pretty damn disposable and that hurt.
Author fanatic31 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I completely agree with everything you say. Honestly, this was my first real relationship since the ex wife. And with the ex, it just sort of happened. So yeah, did I pull when she pushed, yes. Will I ever do that again, no. I guess in my head I thought, when I meet the right one it will just click and flow, yeah sure there are speed bumps, but it would just work. And when this started, that's exactly how it went. People used to say it was like we had known each other for years. At first I did let her do the talking, and I stayed "out of it". But then I fell in, deep. So I am guessing this whole thing scared her. She talked about her ex of 2 years prior basically treated her horribly. I tried to show her the other side. I made an effort when she hinted at it (like hanging out and staying over during the week). On the other hand, if she bailed at the first sign that I pulled a little, then she is not worth it anyway.
Author fanatic31 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 lovesick, that's what I have been confronting now. For so long after my divorce I was searching for the "one". So part of me thinks I built up this girl as that since we had chemistry initially. I am changing how I think. I am going to be the person that is happy being single, happy with myself. Does having a woman that thinks your the best and adores you make you all the better of a person, sure. But i had to clear my mind of that thought that I needed it. My lack of patience always seems to be my biggest weakness. So I am working to fix that now. Dive further into my career, grab some new hobbies. Like me for me. It still hurts though. Just because it doesn't make sense. I dated alot of women before her, alot. And I always just thought, when it happened I would go quick. And then I went quick. And then I ended up heartbroken. I was like Tom in 500 days of summer, that is me. (was me)
English-Rose Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 OMG when I was reading ur story my heart went into my throat. For just a moment I thought you were MY ex posting OUR break up story!! So many similarities it's scary..... Give her space, do the no contact thing...... If it's meant to be it WILL be, but if it's not then accept it with dignity and good grace, as I'm sure you have, and leave yourself open to the possibility of someone new that wants the same as you do. You sound like a really good person, keep ur chin up! X
Author fanatic31 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Thank you Englishrose. I am trying. Even when she "slowed down" and I tried to make it work, and was contacting her I never got mean or nasty, it's just not my way. It just hurts because at the beginning we talked about our fears and she knew how I felt and how it really took alot for me to drop my guard and let her in. She was doing the same thing. I will still always believe though that I will someday meet a woman that will be my soulmate. It's such a simple thing, a good relationship. It's someone that you are willing to put above yourself, 1st in your life. Someone who is your best friend, someone that has your back no matter what. I will continue to strive for that. It's just somedays I still wish it was her.
English-Rose Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I empathise totally. I think the soulmate thing is what everyone wants deep down I thought my ex actually WAS my soulmate..... I'm 33 and have never experienced anything like the "click" we had. He said he'd never in his life felt as at ease with another person than me, that he felt at peace when we were asleep together etc...... However he has a new girlfriend now so perhaps he was full of ****e! I'd like to think he couldn't have faked those feelings, they seemed pretty heartfelt at the time..... Oh well! Life goes on
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