Squishy003 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Hi, Recently, I ended an engagement to a woman who I thought I didn't want to marry. I'll start from the beginning. She was 23 and I was 27 when we first met. We had a pretty unique meeting story, one which was cute and romantic. In any event, we talked over computer for about 3 weeks then finally had our first meeting. Through talking to her I really liked her and was nervous and excited about meeting her. I had bought a dozen roses (bold, I know) and went to meet her. I remember when I first saw her, she was wearing a pink top, black sweats and pumpkin socks. I thought she was adorable and beautiful. The date went well, and I gave her the roses to which she responded positively. A few meetings came and went and eventually we made love for the very first time and it was magic. One thing to note, I came from a culture where it was not good to date someone of a different culture, I'm east indian and she was guyanese. I didn't care but my parents did. They did not like this idea but I didn't care, yet after 6 months we decided to hide it from them so we could get to know each other. Then I got some bad news, her father had accepted a position on the other side of the country, and since she just finished school, she did not have the means to stay in the same city as me. In one year she would be moving, and I took it hard. I am not an overly emotional person and this was one thing she hated about me. I did not let on how bad it killed that the woman I loved was leaving. But we made it work for the year that she was with me, it was great!! The weekend before she was to leave I took her to Las Vegas, it was her first time and my 3rd. She was super excited, as was I. We had a wonderful time, and this was probably the best time I have ever had in my life because I was with her. When we came back, she was to leave the next day. I remember sitting in my room crying because she was leaving, but I did not let on to her because I wanted to stay strong in front of her. So now she is gone, and I maintained that I wanted to do a long distance relationship and so did she. This is when our problems started. She was in a strange city with no friends (although she has a large family there). I did not put myself in her shoes, and I got frustrated with all the calls and constant need for communication from her. This was stupid of me now looking back. I had enough, I told her we were through and I cut her off and changed my number because she wouldn't stop calling me. I now sit here and think of how badly I hurt her, and it makes me choke up and cry whenever I think about what I did to her. One month passed and a mutual friend of ours passed away, so I emailed her and told her this. She was on the next flight over for the funeral. I had wanted her back but was to stubborn and pigheaded to admit it to her. When she came, we went to the funeral and proceeded to get back together. We maintained our long distance relationship for another year. In this time, I would always see her atleast once a month, no matter the cost. We would go to Las Vegas, bring her with me to work conferences, and go to Toronto (where she lived) and she would come to see me. But it was different, we were always fighting. The stress was so much for me, being constantly hassled and yelled at. I didn't think she tried to understand my position, but in retrospect I didn't try to understand hers. I broke it off again, and again one month later we reconciled. It was an up and down relationship but we made it work. She stressed me out alot and I her, especially the fact that we had to hide this from our parents and family (bad i know, one of the things I wish I could do over again.). Finally, I came to my parents and said that this is the woman I loved and wanted to marry, I was convinced that we just needed to be together, in the open. My parents agreed and said they wished I had been honest in the beginning, but it was tough cuz they didn't want it at first. This added to my stress and in turn I took it out on her. I would get mad quick, and never realized how much I hurt her. I would yell, and call her names (which was a horrible horrible thing to do). Although I am not saying that she didn't push my buttons, but I think that if I was a little more understanding it wouldn't have gotten so bad. Sure people fight, but it's how you deal with the problem that makes or breaks your relationship. So finally, I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We were both very happy, but still the relationship started to deteriorate. Again, caused by both of us arguing, and getting on the other's nerves. I didn't do my best in alot of ways and neither did she. So in February (we were to be married July 9) I called and broke it off with her over the phone!! I'm such an idiot!!! We had just had another of our huge fights and I just couldn't handle the stress and anxiety I was getting. Instead of atleast showing her the respect of showing up and talking to her face to face, i took the cowards way out. It was a huge sense of relief to me, and I thought I was happy. For the next month I was happy, and relieved, while she was in a living hell, walking around like a zombie because of what I did and how I did it. I wanted to call her and talk, but again my stupidness and stubbornness got in the way, big time. So she moved on, it took her a couple months to find a guy, and he was her same culture, and she liked him. After a while, she said they had sex, and this absolutely destroyed me cuz I selfishly thought "how could she move on so quickly??" What an ass I am. She now says she loves him (they've been dating for 3 months) and that every aspect of her relationship with him is better. He is better sexually in every aspect, and in comparison our sex life was not good. I thought we had a tremendous sex life in the first 2 years, but in the last 2 it deteriorated becasue both of our emotions were not in it because of all the stress. This hurt like hell to have to hear that and now makes me feel like less of a man. They have plans to travel to so many places and again, this hurts like hell. I keep thinking, if I had been better in so many ways, showed her how much I truly do love her, and actually communicated with her properly, it would have worked. She in no way is without fault, but I keep thinking that if I had been a better boyfriend, it would have been great. I have learned so much from what I did and vow never to do that again to her. I wanted her back with everything I am so I could show her how much I screwed up and regretted what I did. The weekend of our wedding killed me, I barely got through it and she was with her boyfriend and thoughts of her and him kept creeping into my head. And this nearly destroyed me. She maintains that she wants me in her life as only a friend, but it is so damn hard for me to watch her be happy with someone who is better than me in every way (according to her). Again, this is selfish, but what can I do? I want her to be happy but I want her back. I am ready to leave all that I know because I know this can work but she wants nothing to do with it, and I can't blame her. Trust me, if I could do alot of things over, I would, and I would make sure never to ever hurt her again. As the old saying goes, you never know what you have until its gone..... Anyways, that's my story, I want her back, even though she's moved on. I just can't stop thinking of her, even when I throw myself into work and sports...it just hurts so damn much..... Thank you for reading.
Afishwithabike Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Paragraphs are your friend. Use them because a post with such dense text is hard to read. You didn't treat her well. You weren't as open as you could have been. You need to get a handle on your anger. Calling her names and yelling at her are immature. What are you going to do it? Your relationship with her is so volatile. If you felt relieved after you broke up, I have to wonder if you really want her back. Maybe you don't really want her back as much as you don't want to see her happy with another man. She's moved on. I think some of the things she's said (i.e. he's better in bed) may have been said to get back at you. It could be the truth, but really a classy person wouldn't comment on something like that unless to exact some revenge. This relationship with the new guy may not last. In the meantime, you could work on how to be more open in a relationship. You can work on anger management. Just work on you if it's meant to be at a future date you're both mature enough a romantic relationship may blossom again.
flume Posted July 16, 2011 Posted July 16, 2011 I have been in a very similar (not exactly same) position. It happens. Only thing that you can do now is work on yourself and move on.
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