Need assistance on a "break"

July 13, 2011

So this is going to be a long post (and my first). My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and a half now. Last week, she calls me over and we talk and she states that she wants a "break." I asked her if it was due to the fact there was someone else or what was going on, and she clearly stated that there was no one else. She has recently moved to New York for the job promotion she received and no we have not lived together. I am 24 and she will be 24 next week.

Also, during this conversation - she stated that she is not sure if she is in love with me anymore. Finally, she stated that she loves me, but she feels like it is as a good friend; as that is how she has been feeling recently. On top of that, she stated that she does not get the butterflies as she used to. Finally, she stated that she is just confused. During this conversation, she was balling her eyes out and I shed tears as well. She was claiming that I have not changed things we have argued over in the past. I do not like going out to bars or clubs, especially for the fact that I do not drink. On the other hand, she does. I will be honest, a lot of times I am pretty resistant to going to bars or clubs, because I do not enjoy it. Also, she feels as if I do not like her friends and I have clearly stated to her that I do, but I just feel as if I can not make good conversations with her friends; therefore I try not to engage them that much. Finally, she told me that I have a month from when we started to change these things, and if not change, at least pretend that I am enjoying myself when we do go out; which I also have a hard time doing. Unfortunately, I am the type of person that shows their emotions on their face and I do a ****ty job a hiding it when I am mad or bored.

I had a similar situation to this years ago with a girlfriend, but she was cheating on me and using the break to run around with other guys. I was hurt and devastated by this, almost to the point of ending it all, but I was also 18-19 yrs old at the time and I have matured a lot since then. But hearing those words from my current girlfriend sent me in to a state of shock and really opened up old wounds. My girlfriend right now means the absolute world to me! I would give up anything to have us back to the way we were before these arguments started.

So back to the present, we started this "break," last week and it has been a full week and we have only spoke a few times. This weekend she is having a girls-weekend; some of her close friends are going up to visit her in NY (we live in PA) and I am sure that our relationship will be a hot topic. Her birthday is also next week, but she will be in NY and working, but she is coming home during the weekend and clearly stated that she wants to see me that weekend. Also, I know a big sign of lack of interest from a partner is lack of sexual contact and that really has not been the case for her and I. Also, I clearly stated to her that if things do not mend for her and I, I will not be a part of her life anymore because I would not be able to handle being around her and not being able to hold her hand, kiss her, and tell her how much I love her. She seemed extremely upset when I said this to her and she stated: "There is absolutely no way I want you out of my life, I always want to have you in my life. You very well may be Mr. Right, but maybe not right now."

Now here comes the big shocker, I am about to finish graduate school for family and marriage therapy (I know we are not married, but have spoke it recently). But yet, I cant put together the pieces of my own relationship.

My questions are as follows:

Obviously the biggest thing that stands out is the fact that she stated that she feels she might not love me romantically anymore and views me as a friend. To test this, before I left her house after we spoke about the break, I leaned in to kiss her and she gave back. Was she acting out of habit or is she just really confused?

I've heard the words "confused" "friend" and "break" in the same sentences before and it led to one of the worst paths in my life that I never want to tred down again. How should I handle this?

I have stated that my girlfriend means the world to me and I would give up anything for her, but with all of the information presented, is it really worth it after what she has said?

I have been thinking about writing her a letter to remind her of all of the amazing times we had and inclosing a picture we took the day we started dating. Might that be a bad idea or do you think it will help her piece together that we are more than friends?

Finally, the whole Mr. Right thing really has me thinking that there is someone else that has her interest and she does not want to tell me because she knows I will walk away for good.

I do thank everyone reads this and replies in advance and I look forward to reading some responses.

Edited July 13, 2011 by subway311

July 13, 2011

i apologize, and admit not reading the whole thing. you said it first off, she is saying she isn't in love with you and wants a break. honestly it will save you a longer heartache if you cut your ties and losses now.

we guys try to make women (and vice versa ladies) so complicated, but she just told you straight up what's on her mind and heart.

July 13, 2011

Look, you have to cut ties. Its the same as any other story on here but like most women, she lied to you about the real reason. My ex did it to me, someone elses ex did it to them. The attraction is still there thats why she kissed you. You will also learn that she will want to hook up with you down the road when things aren't going her way but the relationship is over. She met another guy.

You have to just have to out game her to figure this out but its the truth. It does not make it any easier knowing shes interested in another guy trust me. It's probably a downgrade from you but she made a decision and there's nothing you can do about it.

Now its about you. You have to separate yourself from the relationship you had in the past. It's over. Nothing you can do about it now. You want to go hardcore NC. I honestly want to say forever, if not you are going to end up being your ex's rebound rebound. You do not want to be her doormat so dont allow yourself to be. Tell her you agree with the breakup and that its time for both of you to move on. Tell her you and her can not be friends right now but you never know what the future brings. Then go NC and try hard to let go and move on

July 14, 2011

well, her and I had a very long heart to heart on the phone a little while ago.

It seems as if she was using this as a scare tactic for me to shape up and correct the things that she has wanted me to. I pretty much told her that I either wanted to work through this together as a couple or cut all ties completely.

Again, she clearly stated that there was no one else. She stated that she was going to call me back and let me know what is going to happen from here.

July 14, 2011

okay, as a future therapist, you should know:

She BASICALLY gave you the " I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech." classic for "There's someone else I'm interested in"

taking a break= breaking up.

taking a break= I'm gonna date other people; keep you waiting on the sidelines and come back when I'm bored.

It goes from "there's no one else." to " He's just a friend". Then when you break up you find out she's dating said friend. THEN, when she's confronted with this information that you know about her and him, you get the, "He isn't the reason we broke up." speech.

So, now she said that she was just testing you to see if you are committed to change. Possible that the person she was interested in didn't show interest in her.

July 14, 2011

okay, as a future therapist, you should know:

She BASICALLY gave you the " I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech." classic for "There's someone else I'm interested in"

taking a break= breaking up.

taking a break= I'm gonna date other people; keep you waiting on the sidelines and come back when I'm bored.

It goes from "there's no one else." to " He's just a friend". Then when you break up you find out she's dating said friend. THEN, when she's confronted with this information that you know about her and him, you get the, "He isn't the reason we broke up." speech.

So, now she said that she was just testing you to see if you are committed to change. Possible that the person she was interested in didn't show interest in her.

I am not too sure about this. I really am not buying in to the whole "other person" idea. She seemed far too upset when speaking about a possible separation between us. Also, it really seemed as if she wanted me to change the things that I have been struggling with through our relationship. But again, I really just do not see the other person story with her. She would have absolutely said something to me because that is her personality type.

July 14, 2011

I am not too sure about this. I really am not buying in to the whole "other person" idea. She seemed far too upset when speaking about a possible separation between us. Also, it really seemed as if she wanted me to change the things that I have been struggling with through our relationship. But again, I really just do not see the other person story with her. She would have absolutely said something to me because that is her personality type.

and here is the fatal male mistake.

no, im sorry bro, she is not going to tell you, and she is NOT any different than (most) every other girl on the planet.

example...my ex showed up with her boyfriend to an event, told others he is her boyfriend, and then two seconds later lied to my face saying they are just friends and he isn't her boyfriend. obviously he wasn't around when she said it.

history repeats itself, and 98% of men's stories are JUST like yours with the same outcome. we'd all love to tell you yours will be different, the odds are just totally against you.

July 14, 2011

So you've heard from the men and honestly they are correct. As a female, I will say that while she may not have someone right this moment, the point of this whole "break" thing is that she does want to start pursuing someone else. She gave your relationship the kiss of death when she stated the whole "I love you, but I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with you" bit. That is code for I want you in my life, I just don't want you as my boyfriend anymore. Honestly even if that wasn't the case, the fact that basically stated that she wanted to threaten you with a breakup to get you to act the way she wants you to act is not a good sign for this relationship and is indicative of the fact that something in your relationship is not healthy. Someone should not have to use maniuplation to try to get a partner to "act right". As others have told you. This break is just a pause before a breakup. Consider yourself lucky you're getting this advanced warning. Most of us on here didn't even get that, we just got dumped with no real reason why. It could be as simple as the distance and she now wants to date someone close to where her new life is. It could also be that whole, ending of a college relationship thing for her. Who truly knows? At this point, prepare yourself for a impending breakup.

Edited July 14, 2011 by nikkinicole36

July 14, 2011

So you've heard from the men and honestly they are correct. As a female, I will say that while she may not have someone right this moment, the point of this whole "break" thing is that she does want to start pursuing someone else. She gave your relationship the kiss of death when she stated the whole "I love you, but I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with you" bit. That is code for I want you in my life, I just don't want you as my boyfriend anymore. Honestly even if that wasn't the case, the fact that basically stated that she wanted to threaten you with a breakup to get you to act the way she wants you to act is not a good sign for this relationship and is indicative of the fact that something in your relationship is not healthy. Someone should not have to use maniuplation to try to get a partner to "act right". As others have told you. This break is just a pause before a breakup. Consider yourself lucky you're getting this advanced warning. Most of us on here didn't even get that, we just got dumped with no real reason why. It could be as simple as the distance and she now wants to date someone close to where her new life is. It could also be that whole, ending of a college relationship thing for her. Who truly knows? At this point, prepare yourself for a impending breakup.

I am keeping this burried in the back of my mind, but I still do not see it yet. We spoke again today on the phone and she seemed as happy as could be to speak with me. I do realize that using a scare-tactic isnt the greatest or healthiest of ideas, but I think it was the only way she was going to get through my thick skin.

She will be home next weekend for her birthday as we are planning to get together and see how things go. If there is a lack of anything or I start to get the scent that there might be someone else, I am ready to bail.

For now, I am going to fight the hard fight and show her that I can be the person that I have been hiding behind a mask for some time now. I asked her about the whole "loving as a friend or romantic" situation and she stated that its both for her right now. Because we have not been doing the typical couples activities recently, that is why she has felt like that.

Also, she gave me a ton of information that she has never told me before. As in apparently last year I hurt her when I showed up 5 minutes late to her birthday because I had to wait for a shower at the gym. A whole family feud on Christmas Day, sleeping on the beach while her friend are with us, and not skipping class to come see her earlier her first weekend in NY after the move. She was begging me to come visit her the first weekend she moved up to NY and I have class every Friday evening from 5-7pm and I told her that I would leave straight from class. This apparently upset her to a breaking point; me not wanting to skip the first meeting on this class. She was balling her eyes out on the phone with me and I told her that I couldnt miss the first class and of course I came up as soon as my class ended.

All of that information was new to me and she never said a word about anything else before. This is what really makes me believe that the whole "another person" idea with her is a crock (maybe).

But, if things dont go the way they should or if I do find out there is someone else, I will be cutting all ties immediately.

July 14, 2011

So, she was pointing out YOUR faults throughout your relationship. She's re-writing the relationship. Did she take ownership to any problems that are in your relationship right now? I'm guessing not. She's gaslighting you.

July 14, 2011

So, she was pointing out YOUR faults throughout your relationship. She's re-writing the relationship. Did she take ownership to any problems that are in your relationship right now? I'm guessing not. She's gaslighting you.

Yes, she did. She admitted that there were a few things she needed to work on as well.

So we are together, but in proving grounds for the time being. As we both need to work/improve on some things.

July 14, 2011

So, she was pointing out YOUR faults throughout your relationship. She's re-writing the relationship. Did she take ownership to any problems that are in your relationship right now? I'm guessing not. She's gaslighting you.

I have to agree with Chi town. She's gaslighting you. The reasons you just stated above honestly shound ridciulously petty and selfish. Everything you stated as to why she was mad or upset with you, mind you, this is all "stuff" you had to drag out of her to admit, sounds like fluff. It's the stuff people make up when they don't have a legitmate answer for why they want to bail. All of the things she cited to you, in the grad scheme of things are pretty minor. They are things most couples would discuss or honestly just let pass. She's either trying to turn you into someone she can be attracted to again, which at this point is like you jumping through fiery hoops. She's honestly stalling for time. Hoping that what once made her feel "in love" with you will reappear. You at this point, I hate to say is in deep denial about what looks like a pending breakup. Once a girl tells you she's not feeling those "in love" feeling anymore, watch out. I'm sorry, but it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops.

July 14, 2011

Subway,from reading what you have posted it sounds very much like you want this relationship to "be okay". You seem worried that a breakup might be on the horizon, and you seem like you're trying to justify her actions and words to yourself. You're going into "fix it" mode instead of seeing things clearly. You want to write her a letter to remind her of the good times, and you say you'll do anything to get things back to they way they were before you started arguing. You should think through very carefully why it is you want to save or continue this relationship so much.

After a year and a half together you should not have to put your relationship into any sort of "proving ground". The idea does not seem at all useful in your situation, because neither of you have done anything that would need forgiveness or require anything more than small compromises.

My biggest concern is why you want to be with someone who has such a very different lifestyle and priorities to you. You don't drink, and you don't like to go to clubs. Her giving you one month to "change" this behaviour is ridiculous. That isn't behaviour - that's personal lifestyle choice. The way she behaves seems very immature to me - becoming distraught because you wouldn't skip class to go see her one day earlier? You are a graduate student, you're working towards a future career: you need to attend your classes. Getting upset because you were five minutes late to her birthday party? Are you sure she's 24 and not 14? Those are not valid reasons to be upset with or angry at your boyfriend. On the scale of life challenges and trials those don't even register.

It seems, from the information you've given, that you both have some growing up to do, and some insight to be gained into what appropriate expectations are to have in a relationship.

July 14, 2011

I have to agree with Chi town. She's gaslighting you. The reasons you just stated above honestly shound ridciulously petty and selfish. Everything you stated as to why she was mad or upset with you, mind you, this is all "stuff" you had to drag out of her to admit, sounds like fluff. It's the stuff people make up when they don't have a legitmate answer for why they want to bail. All of the things she cited to you, in the grad scheme of things are pretty minor. They are things most couples would discuss or honestly just let pass. She's either trying to turn you into someone she can be attracted to again, which at this point is like you jumping through fiery hoops. She's honestly stalling for time. Hoping that what once made her feel "in love" with you will reappear. You at this point, I hate to say is in deep denial about what looks like a pending breakup. Once a girl tells you she's not feeling those "in love" feeling anymore, watch out. I'm sorry, but it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops.

They may sound petty and selfish, but there is a lot more to it.

As I stated before, I absolutely HATE going to bars/clubs. On the other hand, she enjoys going out to bars and hanging out with her friends there and dancing. The times that we do go, I tend to just sit there like a bump on a log and pretty much look miserable. She has asked me time in and time out to at least pretend like I am enjoying myself. I can admit that I really have not changed that.

I also see where she is coming from - it was predominately her doing all of the "give" and me doing all of the taking. It was barely the other way around and I understand why she may be feeling this way. For example, she wanted to have me teach her how to play the guitar because it is something I enjoy, she has gone with me to 311 concerts, but I have refused to go to any country concerts she wants to go to, she tried to learn how to play call of duty (completely knowing that she really doesnt like video games), but when she asked me if I wanted to learn how to do one of her cheerleading routines from college, I pretty much shut her out. There are a lot more examples of this but I think you should get the drift.

I have been an ******* to her at times and I pretty much disrespected what she likes and enjoys - but yet she always respected my interests.

Gaslighting - maybe? But does this additional information shed more light to the situation? We spoke on the phone twice today, both conversations ended with her saying that she loves me.

I am not in denial - the first time this type of situation came around, I was absolutely in denial, but that was 6-7 years ago. I am still going to keep my head up as I said before. All I know is that she has been asking me to correct things like that for months, and in all honesty - I have not. So I am hoping that I can show her that I can change these things.

Subway,from reading what you have posted it sounds very much like you want this relationship to "be okay". You seem worried that a breakup might be on the horizon, and you seem like you're trying to justify her actions and words to yourself. You're going into "fix it" mode instead of seeing things clearly. You want to write her a letter to remind her of the good times, and you say you'll do anything to get things back to they way they were before you started arguing. You should think through very carefully why it is you want to save or continue this relationship so much.
After a year and a half together you should not have to put your relationship into any sort of "proving ground". The idea does not seem at all useful in your situation, because neither of you have done anything that would need forgiveness or require anything more than small compromises.
My biggest concern is why you want to be with someone who has such a very different lifestyle and priorities to you. You don't drink, and you don't like to go to clubs. Her giving you one month to "change" this behaviour is ridiculous. That isn't behaviour - that's personal lifestyle choice. The way she behaves seems very immature to me - becoming distraught because you wouldn't skip class to go see her one day earlier? You are a graduate student, you're working towards a future career: you need to attend your classes. Getting upset because you were five minutes late to her birthday party? Are you sure she's 24 and not 14? Those are not valid reasons to be upset with or angry at your boyfriend. On the scale of life challenges and trials those don't even register.
It seems, from the information you've given, that you both have some growing up to do, and some insight to be gained into what appropriate expectations are to have in a relationship.

I do realize that they are some of my personality traits and who I am as a person, but it should be give and take. I am never going to LIKE going out to bars/clubs, but I should at least enjoy myself because I am with her. I constantly speak with my best friend who has been with his girlfriend for almost 4 years now. Even he put me in my place for the lack of give and take on my part. HE even stated that I look so miserable when we go out to bars/clubs. He reminded me of how he goes to musicals with his girlfriend because it is what she likes to do - he absolutely hates musicals, but he is enjoying the time with his girlfriend.

I think I got so adjusted to her giving so much, I have forgot how to give back, or even give back at all.

She realizes that I am in graduate school and working towards a career, but she also knows that I am very lax with my school work and I skip class a lot. (I have the God given ability to read something once and know it inside and out). I understand where you are coming from as well as her side.

Edited July 14, 2011 by subway311

July 15, 2011

Given my past of being left by people who simply lost their feelings and wanted to be alone (and indeed were alone for a reasonable period of time before meeting someone else), I'm less inclined to jump to the conclusion that there is definitely another person. It may simply be a case of flip switching (when romantic feelings rapidly devolve for no apparent reason).

But the thing is, it doesn't matter. It could be a flip switch, it could be another person, it could be a combination of the two (her feelings flip switched and then she became interested in another person), but it doesn't matter. The only thing you need to walk away from this knowing with certainty is that she has no real interest in you as a partner anymore. That much is written on the wall, I'm afraid.

July 15, 2011

Also, one thing I've noticed is that most break up stories around here involve two quite distinct layers of conflict and explanation.

One layer is the deep, fundamental and irresolvable conflict - "I don't love you anymore", "I feel nothing for our future", "I've met someone else" and so on. This is basically all that needs to be said.

For some reason (sometimes because we press them) dumpers feel compelled to offer more than that, however, and end up giving us more bones to pick through. So then you get this upper layer of explanation which is a tapestry of minor nuisances, past grievances, lifestyle conflicts and so on. There are often real, legit conflicts here, and I don't want to dismiss it all as "superstructure", but this is not really where the problem is at. Because in our post break-up state we all want to solve and resolve and work things out, however, this is where we end up exerting all our energy.

The real reason, however, is always the deeper, more simple and ultimately more irresolvable problem. The sooner we can accept that the sooner we can move on.

July 15, 2011

I hate to say it but she is wanting to see what else is out there. She may already have someone in mind or she may just want the freedom to go out and date others. I'm sorry.

July 15, 2011

I hate to say it but she is wanting to see what else is out there. She may already have someone in mind or she may just want the freedom to go out and date others. I'm sorry.

I still dont think that is the case.

I will know soon, but I just want to see how things go with her and I

July 15, 2011

Okay, you said it yourself, she likes to go out drinking and dancing. You don't. So, you know she goes. You don't know who she's talking with, who she's dancing with, the people she's meeting. Even when you do go, you said it yourself. You're a bump on a log. Therefore, she there to have a good time and it's obvious that you are not. I'm sure she probably leaves you right where you're at and she becomes a social butterfly.

I don't know dude. I don't know you from Adam. And I don't really know anything about your relationship with her. I could very well may be wrong about another interest. But, my gut on this sitauation is telling me different.

July 15, 2011

Subway, you really need to develop your intuition.

I'm going to tell you right now that you are naive and blind as a bat.

You need to watch the count of monte cristo if you have not seen it. You need to pay attention from the beginning to the part where he gets sent to prison by the magistrate.

You are the young naive Edmund in the beginning of the movie.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3509992&postcount=12 read that post by me. I had the same problem except at the same time, I had intuition. I knew it was going on with my ex but I trusted what she TOLD me over what my gut was telling me. That was my fatal flaw. I'm actually going to expand on my explanation of this post at a later time when I have more free time to work on stuff here

I called her out on it 2 weeks after she broke up with me and to this day she can not look me in the eye again because she knows that I know how she treated me.

Edited July 15, 2011 by wilsonx

July 15, 2011

Subway, you really need to develop your intuition.

I'm going to tell you right now that you are naive and blind as a bat.

You need to watch the count of monte cristo if you have not seen it. You need to pay attention from the beginning to the part where he gets sent to prison by the magistrate.

You are the young naive Edmund in the beginning of the movie.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3509992&postcount=12 read that post by me. I had the same problem except at the same time, I had intuition. I knew it was going on with my ex but I trusted what she TOLD me over what my gut was telling me. That was my fatal flaw. I'm actually going to expand on my explanation of this post at a later time when I have more free time to work on stuff here

I called her out on it 2 weeks after she broke up with me and to this day she can not look me in the eye again because she knows that I know how she treated me.

I completely understand where you are coming from Wilsonx, and I understand what you are saying in your post(s). I have been speaking with her everyday since Weds. We are not on a "break" anymore, we are together as couple. I know this sounds lame, but even through the week of the "break" we still had a relationship status going on FB (sounds immature), but she doesnt want the relationship to end.

As I stated in earlier posts, I really dropped the ball and now its up to me to get it going again. After speaking with my friends and family and HER friends and family - they all said the same thing: "You need to get your **** together because she feels like you dont care about her anymore because you never want to do anything she wants and you always disrespect her."

This really has been a wakeup call to me but I do appreciate everyone's help and posts that they listed.

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