eatgoodfood Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I am not sure where to begin or how much information to include so i apologize if some of the thoughts are random and difficult to understand. I suppose i will start with some basic background information about myself and my relationship. I am 26 years old, in the military and have been with my fiance since january of 2010 and engages since april of 2010. I deployed to afghanistan in June of 2010 and got back june of this year. We have a strong relationship and thats how i was sure she was the one for me. The deployment was very hard on both of us individually and on our relationship. I was extremely aggressive not very understanding of her feelings and generally cold to her while i was there. I didnt like how i was but i had a hard time controlling it because of the environment i was in and the things i went through. She has stuck with me through everything thankfully. But on top of all of this she had a severe depressive episode and woundup in the hospital and in therapy for a good 9 months. There were so many issues that led up to this and it is likely something she will be dealing with for the rest of her life. Some of the most prominent things that caused it was pressure from her family to be perfect ever since she was a child, me being gone, her having gotten pregnant by me and having had an abortion. There is way more and its way more in depth than that, but thats not the point of this thread. I have always had issues showing my feelings and talking about how i feel and what i want. It seems to have gotten worse since i was in afghanistan. I also have developed alot more jealousy than i had in our relationship before deployment. Although i have had severe jealousy in previous relationships, but i was able to control it in this one until now. Either way, the jealousy and the lack of communication on my part is hurting the relationship. I get angry when she goes out with friends without me, she is a more social person than i am, and that is something i want to change about myself. She has alot of male friends and when she goes out i find myself accusing her of doing things. She has never given me any reason to question her, distrust her. I feel that there is no reason for me to be feeling this way except with one situation which she has been open with me about. While she was in the hospital she met a guy whom everyone thought was in love with her and that they have a strange relationship. She was completely open with me about it and told me everything. The thing is he wouldnt talk to anyone but her about his issues and they were both able to be completely open with each other about everything, something she feels lacking in our relationship. This is a big deal to me because i want to be open with her and its something im working on its just difficult for me. But my issue with this is she continues to have contact with him and spend time with him. Ive told her that it makes me feel really uncomfortable and i dont like it at all. Sometimes not in such a nice way but im slowly trying to control my jealousy. So she spent the day with him today, i didnt findout till she called me and i could tell she was in a car and i asked who she was with and she told me, i remained as calm as i could but i was pretty upset about it. She doesnt seem to think its an issue he seeing him, because there is nothing going on with them and he is a part of the ´group´ from the hospital whom she hangs out with. I dont know what to do about it, i get angry and jealous everytime she mentions his name, and now shes out with him, so ofcouse i alwas jump to thinking the worst. Well thats just one situation that im praticularly upset about. Otherwise ive just been getting jealous anytime shes talking to her male friends or hanging out with them, even if im with her. I dont want to be like that, i dont want to keep questioning her and our relationship, its destroying us and me. I know it stems from a lack of self esteem i have. When i was a child i got picked on alot, and i could go into detail about everything but that would be a massive essay. Anyway, i was not one of the cool people so i acted out, isolated myself from most everyone, and got into trouble so people would think i was cool. Example, smoking weed because i thought it was the only way i would feel accepted. That went on for a long time, i always felt that i need to pretend who i am or do what everyone else is doing to be cool or accepted and when i wasnt, well i isolated myself inside and played video games and didnt socalize. That has all led me to have alot of anxiety everytime im in social events, like going to a bar or club and especially being around people i dont know. So usually i drink more than i should to numb those feelings and make it easier for me. And drinking that much usually leads me to say stupid things and for example send nasty txt messages to her about her screwing around. I need this to stop now. Then there is this other issue from my past. I have never told anyone, and that is part of what i need help with. When i was 13 maybe, i cant quite remember i had a homosexual experience with my neighbor, and that thought pops up and eats me alive, i think about it and i feel disgusted with myself and i think other people might know, or weird things like that. I feel maybe that ive never let that out is part of the reason that i have social issues. My question with that is should i tell her, i dont know if it will help or hurt anything, i shouldnt think it would hurt anything, i know her and thats not something that would bother her or change her opinion of me, but im so afraid to do it. Its just hard for me to tell her what i want to do on a day because i think i should always do what she wants so shes happy and i completely disregaurd myself. She realizes im doing this and thats causing issues too. She thinks i should get some type of help, counseling, therapy or something. Im afraid to do that, especially being in the military and with all the issues i have im afraid that someone will findout im going to something and look down on me. I dont want to have that fear i wish i could give two ****s what other poeple think at times. Then i also think about my friends here and the people i know and i dont think they would dislike me for it or even think differently. I dont know. I just get this vicious circle of thoughts and i dont know where to start or go for therapy if i really need it or if i can handle this myself. And should i tell her about the experiece i had when i was younger. Any help, suggestions, input, anything would be appreciated. Thank you.
oldguy Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) PTSD and emotional issues from your past, when you where young are not so dynamically dissimilar. I know it may be more difficult if you are still active duty but you need to get help. EMDR was developed specifically for PTSD & since the dynamics are similar it works well for both. Therapists, especially someone who has been trained in EMDR, (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), do not judge. It is at the very least a good place to start. As a fellow vet, thank you. Please get help & don't give up. In addition, what happen to you as a young 13 yo or so was not a homosexual experience, it was abuse. Tyler Perry talked about his confusion when as a young boy he had been sexually abused by a neighbor, ( a man) and at a different time by a woman, and his confusion because his body betrayed him. This is common among young boys who are sexually abused. Get help, please, just do it. Edited July 13, 2011 by oldguy
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