TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Why do 'Dumpers' feel the need to keep hurting the 'Dumpee'? I really really can't understand this! Makes my blood boil Thoughts?
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Because they can....shows their real maturity level. Its usually an ego thing to make them feel less guilty about what they have done to you
Author TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I could never ever keep hurting somebody on purpose, knowing that I've already hurt them and that they still love me. I would feel ashamed of myself and just plain nasty
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Maybe they don't even realize it. Some people have psychologies like that. They're more compatible with like-minded people. I've seen marriages like that. No way would I ever want to be in one but it works for some people.
gozone77 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 In my own experience, it's been the dumpee getting nasty to the dumper. I guess it depends on the maturity level of each. We all get upset at times, and a breakup is a painful thing no matter what, but I'd imagine that anyone with a decent level of maturity would feel pretty dumb after saying or doing something like that.
shayla Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Sometimes people are just that cruel. Some people do this because they like knowing that you still care enough to get upset at their foolishness. Some people use your reactions as fuel and amusement in their new relationship, especially if they were cheating on you....they can bond over your pain, and he/she can say, "See? she's/he's a psycho, you and I were meant to be..."
radiodarcy Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 i guess it depends on the dumper really. the ones who are decent will give you space to heal. the ones who are conflicted about their decision (i.e. feeling guilty) or downright cruel or both will be the ones to kick you when you're down. how you interpret their actions may affect how you are reading them: i tried being friends with the ex but he was constantly throwing in my face how hot he thought other girls were and about all the dates he had lined up. maybe he did this thinking that because we were now friends, i would be ok with hearing him talk about these things - - even though he knew i still had feelings for him. i told him as much and cut off the friendship. i haven't heard form him since. i guess that's what i get for trying to be friends with an ex
Author TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 The thing is, she is what you would call a 'Quiet one' Now I know why people say they're the ones you need to watch out for. The human brain is odd.
shortee143 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 ugh agreed. Sometimes I wonder if they do it intentionally or just dont get it. Of course, as the dumpee, we are extra sensitive. But my ex, I was very understanding when we broke up, very respectful of him..and I got zero respect back. He talks about his new girl, his sex life, had sex with some girl in the room at a party we both were at.....not to mention, refused to have any sort of real convo about our breakup. It all shows immaturity on his part, but nonetheless it def is that "kick you when your down" feeling he gave me. His ego plays a part for sure- just him knowing I still want him, ugh. I know breakups are tough, but why so hard to at least go out with respect (not to mention my ex and i r in contact often due to mutual friends, so you'd THINK he woulda been even more considerate, ha no way!) Immaturity, ego, "power"..etc all reasons I can think of as to why they do this, but at times I think it comes down to some arent even aware (but that is no excuse).
ShatteredDreams Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 After she broke up with me, my friend took me to a restaurant to cheer me up. At that point I could not eat or drink much for weeks. She called and said that we are back together. Then 2 hours later says she was just kidding and that she wanted to get my friend jealous. A few days earlier she said if I love her to prove it to her by killing myself. So I try to kill myself in front of her. End up in the hospital at which point she cuts off all contact with me. And after trying to get in touch with her I finally go NC for a month. She breaks it to tell me she is dating my close friend. I could not believe that the girl that promised to love me forever, that I loved so much could be so cruel to me.
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Wow, that's messed up. Hope you got some counseling. I'd stay as far away from those sorts of people as possible. Unhealthy.
Sugarkane Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Some dumpers get enjoyment when they do it. Like my ex for example. They dump you as cruelly as possible and have no decency at all. The more they hurt you, the more they feel good about themselves. So they can try and justifiy dumping you.
radiodarcy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) ugh agreed. Sometimes I wonder if they do it intentionally or just dont get it. Of course, as the dumpee, we are extra sensitive. But my ex, I was very understanding when we broke up, very respectful of him... Immaturity, ego, "power"..etc all reasons I can think of as to why they do this, but at times I think it comes down to some arent even aware (but that is no excuse). it's so hard to pinpoint the intentional part, isn't it? maybe we're more in tune with our feelings than our exes because as you said - - we are more sensitive by virtue of the fact that they rejected us but at the same time i would think the dumper would have to either be a total sociopath or completely self-centered and oblivious to expect us to instantly flip that switch that goes from being in love with them one minute to simply moving on like nothing happened and being their confidant and friend the next. it just boggles my mind. whats more is the he would always refuse to give me a relationship. what we had was a friends w/ benefits situation that lasted for two years. i begged him for a relationship but he refused, saying he wasn't ready for a relationship because he had been badly hurt in the past. when he did cut me loose he told me he was ready for a relationship - - only not with me. he was going to join an online dating service and find "the one". yet - - after hurting me in precisely the same way he was hurt, he callously expects me to suck it up and move on? how does that work exactly? not to mention he was my first everything: love, sexual experience. Edited July 14, 2011 by radiodarcy
Sugarkane Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Radiodarcy- Your ex is weird. I'd expect someone who's been hurt before, to be more wiser and understanding to doing exactly the same thing to someone else?
radiodarcy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Radiodarcy- Your ex is weird. I'd expect someone who's been hurt before, to be more wiser and understanding to doing exactly the same thing to someone else? hey SugarKane. you would think so. he has this unnerving talent to compartmentalize. so that any actions he makes are completely justified and undeserving of reproach. in his mind he didn't hurt me. i was just some crazy b*tch who got the wrong idea. never mind that we had been friends for years before anything happened between us. you would think he would have known me better than that. and even if he did he wouldn't admit it because that would mean he would actually have to take responsibility for his actions. heaven forbid this is why it's going to be near impossible for me to trust anyone else.
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 hey SugarKane. you would think so. he has this unnerving talent to compartmentalize. so that any actions he makes are completely justified and undeserving of reproach. in his mind he didn't hurt me. i was just some crazy b*tch who got the wrong idea. never mind that we had been friends for years before anything happened between us. you would think he would have known me better than that. and even if he did he wouldn't admit it because that would mean he would actually have to take responsibility for his actions. heaven forbid this is why it's going to be near impossible for me to trust anyone else. They are fantastic for doing that. My ex dumped and insulted me via text. But somehow I'm the crazy one and deserved it.
Mack05 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 (edited) Some dumpers get enjoyment when they do it. Like my ex for example. They dump you as cruelly as possible and have no decency at all. The more they hurt you, the more they feel good about themselves. So they can try and justifiy dumping you. Tainted I honestly can't say why some ex's can be so cruel (I like Kane's reply above). What you need to do is, not play her game. Just ignore her, block her from everything. Then her games will have no effect on you... Think about it, you are now seeing a side to your ex you didn't see in the relationship (or maybe you saw the red flags and ignored them?). Think to yourself that you have had a very lucky escape. That's how I viewed my ex and it really helped my healing.. Edited July 15, 2011 by Mack05
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 If my ex ever realises what a mistake he made, I'm going to have a field day.It would be great to treat him the way he treated me. How to dump someone my exes way: 1) Never communicate how you feel at all. Give no hint to them. Who cares? You know how you feel even if they dont. 2) Dump them completely out of the blue. Give them no answers. 3) Insult them via text. You don't live far away, but why put the effort into dumping them face to face? Why be honest at all? 4) Blame everything on them, you need an excuse. Even if the lame excuses are your own faults not theirs eg. can't communicate [even though you're dumping them by text]. 5) Don't give them ANY resolution. LIE, LIE, LIE. If they ask for closure insult thme by text some more. Plus if you leave it unresolved, maybe you can use them for sex later. Or even push the restart button. 6) Completely cut them off from your life. You've moved on, so who gives a rats ass if they haven't. 7) Turn your friends and family against them. That way the dumpee can't find out that you've been cheating on them for months. Remember who cares that you've done a 180 on them. Thats their problem. 8) Never contact the dumpee to make sure their ok. You've left them cruelly and out of the blue. Show them what sort of person you really are.
Mack05 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 (edited) Kane don't sink to their level. Hurting someone because they have hurt you is not a healthy way to live your life. I forgave my ex because, I remember her good qualities of which they were many. The way she cruelly dumped me was down to the fact I had hurt her (I needed to acknowledge that fact) but more importantly external factors that happened in her life before me. This just happens to be the way she deals with hurt, she hurts back even more. For her it is a defense mechanism as she is a survivor. I have tried put myself in her shoes and I do feel empathy, so the anger I had for the cruel ending is gone and is never coming back. I just hope she can overcome her demons, but more importantly I hope I have learnt from my mistakes..Maybe you made mistakes in the relationship? Can you think of a reason why he acted the way he did? Maybe you didn't make many mistakes, maybe he is just a guy with many problems. If that is the case how did you end up falling for such a guy? Try bring it back to you. Therefore the next guy you meet, will be an emotionally mature/healthy guy that will respect your feelings. There are many things that make a person do what your ex did and dump your cruelly and insult you via text. Sadly not eveyone was raised in a loving family. Not everyone was given the chance to go to college and have the support behind them to fulfill their dreams. The people I respect the most in the world are the people that started out with all the disadvantages in the world, yet are still genuinely nice people who have turned their lives around for the better. Of course some people who had tough pasts may appear nice, but there is something that lyes beneath the surface. There are normally red flags, if that is the case..Did you notice any? I did.. Kane I have broken up with a few girls. It was always face to face and I always made myself available if they had questions. It is important to have decency and compassion.At the time, it hurt recently when my ex didn't give me the same courtesy but then again I am an emotionally healthy person, she is not..I hope I never break up with someone again (i.e. I meet the right girl and get married) but if it turns out that I do, I will remember the hurt that I felt and realise I would never do that to another person. Nor should you. Don't behave badly, because someone behaved badly to you.. It's time to leave the hurt and anger go Kane. Try find a way to forgive. It's very hard but if you can it gives you the freedom to really move on and it makes you a better person.. Edited July 15, 2011 by Mack05
Mack05 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Its usually an ego thing to make them feel less guilty about what they have done to you but at the same time i would think the dumper would have to either be a total sociopath or completely self-centered and oblivious to expect us to instantly flip that switch that goes from being in love with them one minute to simply moving on like nothing happened and being their confidant and friend the next. it just boggles my mind. Jelina it boggles your mind because you are an emotionally healthy person. The people that tell us we are their world etc and then move on at the speed of light are emotionally unhealthy people. That is why we can't understand them. Instead of trying to figure them out and what has caused their behaviour, we should be focusing on the fact that why we fell for them in the first place..Once you figure that out, your next partner will be far more suited to you.
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 My ex comes from a perfect family. Parents still married after 20 odd years. The suburb he lives in is far more expensive than the one I'm from. He would've finished uni by now. During dating him, I found his sister to be just as arrogant and snobbish as he is. She is a cold fish just like him aswell. I wonder what their parents did to make them turn out that way. He would have his dream career by now. He loved shoving that fact in my face and putting me down as I'm not there yet. How did I end up falling for such a guy? I don't know. My ex is a good game player, he knew how to suck me in and push the right buttons. I didn't know my ex before I dated him. He seemed perfect close family, very popular, ambitious, attractive, athletic and even friends with exes. Obviously if I had known what he was like I wouldn't have dated him. He was a friend of a friend, so I thought I was in safe hands lol.
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Everyone was really shocked when we brokeup. I want to do well careerwise, as for some reason he never thought I'd amount to anything [not the only reason, other reasons not related to him].
Mack05 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 (edited) My ex comes from a perfect family. Parents still married after 20 odd years. The suburb he lives in is far more expensive than the one I'm from. He would've finished uni by now. During dating him, I found his sister to be just as arrogant and snobbish as he is. She is a cold fish just like him aswell. I wonder what their parents did to make them turn out that way. He would have his dream career by now. He loved shoving that fact in my face and putting me down as I'm not there yet. How did I end up falling for such a guy? I don't know. My ex is a good game player, he knew how to suck me in and push the right buttons. I didn't know my ex before I dated him. He seemed perfect close family, very popular, ambitious, attractive, athletic and even friends with exes. Obviously if I had known what he was like I wouldn't have dated him. He was a friend of a friend, so I thought I was in safe hands lol. Hard to know what goes on behind closed doors Kane with family stuff.. Also I see your point, we can be fooled as during the early days of a relationship, because people are showing their u best sides. I did the same thing showed my best side, but I was a total mess beneath it. Ignoring my problems hoping they would just go away, now that I met a great girl. Never works out like that though eh... I think the only thing you can do is learn. All these things make us wiser and more clued in going forward. Edited July 15, 2011 by Mack05
Sugarkane Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Thanks Mack:cool:. Something reminded me of my ex today and I felt like back to the anger stage again.
radiodarcy Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 (edited) Jelina it boggles your mind because you are an emotionally healthy person. The people that tell us we are their world etc and then move on at the speed of light are emotionally unhealthy people. That is why we can't understand them. Instead of trying to figure them out and what has caused their behaviour, we should be focusing on the fact that why we fell for them in the first place..Once you figure that out, your next partner will be far more suited to you. lol..thanks, Mack05. i actually wrote the words jelina submitted (i think she's a cleverly disguised spam bot who plagiarizes posts from a thread and uses them as her own so she won't be discovered) but it's good to have confirmation that i'm the healthy one and not him. i now understand why it is so important to have self-esteem. mine has never been that high. and while i've been in and out of therapy for several years, i was very vulnerable to someone who gave me as much attention as he did. i had also lost a great deal of weight by then (around 50 lbs) and while i felt better, i was still uncomfortable with the attention i received from men. the ex was a friend and co-worker i had known for years. and i thought i could trust him. and i felt comfortable with him. however, there were already red flags, i knew he had serious self-esteem issues of his own; he was also very needy and craved attention 24/7. i tried begging off when he pursued me and he would get genuinely upset and hurt. so - - i gave in. would up falling for him and boom he lost interest. i guess he was no longer interested. the thrill of the chase *sigh* at any rate, i made a very bad mistake of allowing myself to continue to stay in contact him and we were friends w. benefits for two and a half years. much too long for a situation i never should have allowed myself to get into in the first place. but he was my first love (and everything else to boot). i thought if i allowed him to use me he would see how much i loved him and give me the relationship i wanted. faulty thinking i know but i was desperate. the longer i stayed in that situation the more my self-esteem plummeted. i was severely depressed. i wish i could say i walked. but he did. he cut off the benefits portion saying he just wanted to be friends and joined several dating websites to find "the one". i went NC soon after. i now realize how detrimental my low self-esteem was in getting me to the point that it did. it lead me to lows i never would have thought i would sink to; selling myself out to be someone's play thing and suffer the treatment that resulted as a consequence of my actions. i'm working hard to re-build my that self-esteem so that whenever i do decide to start dating again, i'll be in a better place to recognize and weed out people like him. Edited July 15, 2011 by radiodarcy
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