primer Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 How do women get men to buy them things? I know of several women that financially depend on their boyfriends (no marriage or children). I am wondering how they get the man to support them and buy them things.
Audrina Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I can't answer that question because I'm not that kind of woman, nor would I ever want to be.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 All along the way, I've turned down offers of many different kinds from men to pay my way. I think that if I hadn't, I'd probably be a rich woman today. I just sat here and thought about it, and I've turned down at least $100,000 in free rent, trips, and stuff from boyfriends and men who wanted to be my boyfriend. I don't know how it happened. I have never once asked a man for money. They always offered it freely, I guess because they wanted me to be their woman.
Nexus One Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 How do women get men to buy them things? You've spotted that latest Chanel bag didn't you? It's on sale for only $3000 now. No seriously, what do you want a guy to buy for you?
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 How do women get men to buy them things? IME, two ways.. 1. Directly asking, but in a way remarkably similar to how a little girl gets her daddy to do most anything for her. In fact, I think that dynamic is where this tool is learned and perfected. 2. Creating an environment where they are seen as needing to be 'taken care of' and appealing to the man's sense of being a protector and provider and 'fixer'. These skills are generally learned later, once sexual maturity is reached and attention from males changes to a more sexually aggressive tone. Such women clue in on that and turn the attention into a profit center. Life goes on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 IME, two ways.. 1. Directly asking, but in a way remarkably similar to how a little girl gets her daddy to do most anything for her. In fact, I think that dynamic is where this tool is learned and perfected. 2. Creating an environment where they are seen as needing to be 'taken care of' and appealing to the man's sense of being a protector and provider and 'fixer'. These skills are generally learned later, once sexual maturity is reached and attention from males changes to a more sexually aggressive tone. Such women clue in on that and turn the attention into a profit center. Life goes on. This is concise truth.
Audrina Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 All along the way, I've turned down offers of many different kinds from men to pay my way. I think that if I hadn't, I'd probably be a rich woman today. I just sat here and thought about it, and I've turned down at least $100,000 in free rent, trips, and stuff from boyfriends and men who wanted to be my boyfriend. I don't know how it happened. I have never once asked a man for money. They always offered it freely, I guess because they wanted me to be their woman. I really don't understand why this is something to brag about. I've maintained my life well enough that men I've dated have realized I'm independent enough to be on my own without their help. While men do want to be providers, and I would allow a man to fill that roll in a relationship, when I go up to get us a round of beers, I buy. When we go out and something is my idea, I buy the tickets. When he takes me somewhere he can buy if he wants, if not I have the money on hand. Relationships are give and take, and should have nothing to do with money, it should have to do with an emotional bond. It's nice when you're in trouble and you have someone you can rely on for financial support but that's the last thing I look for in a relationship.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I really don't understand why this is something to brag about. My point is that you don't even have to try to get money from men -- they will basically beg you to take it from them, anyway.
Audrina Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 My point is that you don't even have to try to get money from men -- they will basically beg you to take it from them, anyway. The men I've dated never beg me to take their money and for that I'm grateful, it means we get to do more things together as a couple. Plus, I've found that men appreciate it when you don't take advantage of them, or their generosity. I have a very generous spirit but it's not something that I would take advantage of in another. I would guess that these men are offering you these things because you are not presenting yourself as an independent, self-sufficient woman, which shockingly is what most men with a good head on their shoulders are looking for.
thatone Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 as a man more than capable of paying a woman's way, refusal of money on some sort of self righteous grounds is actually a turn off. i've had this situation quite a few times actually with women i've dated... me: "hey there's (insert event here) going on next (insert weekday) lets go" her: "i could probably take an unpaid sick day but can't afford to lose the money" me: "don't worry about it, i'll give you the money" her: (crazy brain in full blown churning mode about how right or wrong that is) me: "no really, i don't care about the money, it doesn't mean anything" her: (starts working MORE in some attempt to try and prove to me that she will not take any money from anyone else) me: (thinking: fine dammit, be happy with your overtime then, i'll find someone else to go with) ...and the process repeats and that statement is really the honest truth. if i'm dating someone who makes less money than me by a factor of 9 or 10, it won't hurt me in the slightest to give her two days worth of salary so she can take a couple of days off of work. that amount of money, to me, means absolutely nothing. it's really no different than any other factor whether it be appearance, their self perceived status, etc. some women can't let go of the illusion that they are in control and will actively push away men with money, just like other women will fish for money. which is no less devious, in my opinion, than the gold digger types who are just looking for a sugar daddy. the gold digger is trying to manipulate men into giving them money, the opposite type is trying to manipulate men by refusing what they perceive as a source of leverage on the man's part. they're really no different, both are fixated on control/power over men first and foremost, and neither are long term prospects. but in the short term, the gold digger is actually preferable, you won't have to constantly struggle to get her to do anything outside of her schedule. the red flag statement that the anti-gold digger usually presents is she struggles to find men that can "keep up with her". well sorry, you haven't found one that's gonna try to "keep up with you" this time either. the currency those types are fishing for isn't money, it's casual non-committal attention, and they want that currency of attention paid to them on their terms. unfortunately for them it doesn't work that way, which is why they are persistently single.
samspade Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Some men are chumps who fear loneliness or lack of sex. This is how women "get" men to pay for things, but in reality men allow themselves to be manipulated because they do not have the stones to say no. This is all based on a perception that what's between a girl's legs unlocks the secrets to the universe. Desperate men believe this, and as a result the women they place on a pedestal believe it, too. All a woman then has to do is threaten to take it away, and her chump man will do anything she asks. Of course, many men also preemptively offer the moon, because they have been programmed from birth by other men/women/pop culture that this is the only path to romantic and sexual satisfaction. Only when a man frees himself of this dependency is he truly free. He has to accept that sometimes he will be alone, and that a vagina is not worth the aggravation. That's not to say there aren't some good women out there - there are plenty who don't need or want the money. The problem is that when men offer extravagance it comes across as an exchange for sex. Some women will reject the notion because it's disrespectful; others will happily accept (with no guarantee of sex of course).
Ruby Slippers Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I would guess that these men are offering you these things because you are not presenting yourself as an independent, self-sufficient woman, which shockingly is what most men with a good head on their shoulders are looking for. Couldn't be farther from the truth. I think you have a reading comprehension problem.
Author primer Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I would guess that these men are offering you these things because you are not presenting yourself as an independent, self-sufficient woman, which shockingly is what most men with a good head on their shoulders are looking for. I totally agree with this.
Author primer Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 i've had this situation quite a few times actually with women i've dated... me: "hey there's (insert event here) going on next (insert weekday) lets go" her: "i could probably take an unpaid sick day but can't afford to lose the money" me: "don't worry about it, i'll give you the money" her: (crazy brain in full blown churning mode about how right or wrong that is) me: "no really, i don't care about the money, it doesn't mean anything" her: (starts working MORE in some attempt to try and prove to me that she will not take any money from anyone else) me: (thinking: fine dammit, be happy with your overtime then, i'll find someone else to go with) ...and the process repeats That sounds like a RESPONSIBLE woman. A person does not call in sick to attend an event. You must like dependent, needy women. Your post was asinine.
Nexus One Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I totally agree with this. I'm still curious about what it exactly is you want to buy. Care to share?
misssmartypants Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I've met men who were always wanting to pay when we were out or offering to buy me things or bring me things. It actually gets a little old. But then I have a good job and I take pride in the fact that I provide for myself. I think there are people out there who are perfectly happy being dependent on others to support them. So use boyfriends/girlfriends, some use parents or relatives, some use the government. The guy doing the supporting/paying, must get some sort of ego or emotional payout, and the girl gets free stuff. Personally, I want a partner and to be an equal partner. Oh, and the job I have doesn't get done if I am not at work, so there's no way in hell I'd skip out of work to go on a date with someone. Honeymoon - maybe, date, no.
thatone Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 That sounds like a RESPONSIBLE woman. A person does not call in sick to attend an event. You must like dependent, needy women. Your post was asinine. try reading the rest again, the opposite type is just as needy. they need their perception of themselves as much as the 'needy' woman needs money. and no, we're not talking about responsible. a doctor has to be responsible, and answer his work cell phone in case of emergency surgery. a firefighter has to be responsible, and get up at 2am if there's a fire. a sheriff has to be responsible, to deal with a 4am crime scene. it really doesn't matter, if say, a call center employee takes a couple of days off which, as it says right there in their employee policy guidelines, they are entitled to every year. the end result is everyone else's phone rings one or two extra times throughout the day thus cutting into their facebook time. your post is presumptuous, which is ironic considering my post was explaining my dislike of presumptuous people.
misssmartypants Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 try reading the rest again, the opposite type is just as needy. they need their perception of themselves as much as the 'needy' woman needs money. and no, we're not talking about responsible. a doctor has to be responsible, and answer his work cell phone in case of emergency surgery. a firefighter has to be responsible, and get up at 2am if there's a fire. a sheriff has to be responsible, to deal with a 4am crime scene. it really doesn't matter, if say, a call center employee takes a couple of days off which, as it says right there in their employee policy guidelines, they are entitled to every year. the end result is everyone else's phone rings one or two extra times throughout the day thus cutting into their facebook time. your post is presumptuous, which is ironic considering my post was explaining my dislike of presumptuous people. So she should use her unpaid personal time to go out with you, instead of saving it in case there is an actual emergency or doctor's appointment that might require her to use it? Its incredibly arrogant of you to assume that going out with you is more important than work. Money and vacation issues aside, look how disrespectful you are of the job she has. Maybe it is a crappy call center job, but its her job and she sounds like she has her priorities in just the right place, especially in an economy like ours.
Author primer Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I'm still curious about what it exactly is you want to buy. Care to share? I can't think of anything I want to buy. When I do want something, it is not expensive (usually some clothing item or costume jewelry) and I can pay for that myself. I don't need anything.
thatone Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 So she should use her unpaid personal time to go out with you, instead of saving it in case there is an actual emergency or doctor's appointment that might require her to use it? Its incredibly arrogant of you to assume that going out with you is more important than work. Money and vacation issues aside, look how disrespectful you are of the job she has. Maybe it is a crappy call center job, but its her job and she sounds like she has her priorities in just the right place, especially in an economy like ours. again, re-read the entire scenario. i'm completely understanding that other people have busier lives than me. but the response to a suggestion of taking some vacation/sick time to do something (that she herself said she wanted to do, in virtually all cases) of becoming LESS available as a sort of power play or demonstration of independence is what i'm talking about. and yeah, that is a red flag. you think men don't change their schedules to appease women? they do all the time.
Audrina Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 as a man more than capable of paying a woman's way, refusal of money on some sort of self righteous grounds is actually a turn off. i've had this situation quite a few times actually with women i've dated... me: "hey there's (insert event here) going on next (insert weekday) lets go" her: "i could probably take an unpaid sick day but can't afford to lose the money" me: "don't worry about it, i'll give you the money" her: (crazy brain in full blown churning mode about how right or wrong that is) me: "no really, i don't care about the money, it doesn't mean anything" her: (starts working MORE in some attempt to try and prove to me that she will not take any money from anyone else) me: (thinking: fine dammit, be happy with your overtime then, i'll find someone else to go with) ...and the process repeats and that statement is really the honest truth. if i'm dating someone who makes less money than me by a factor of 9 or 10, it won't hurt me in the slightest to give her two days worth of salary so she can take a couple of days off of work. that amount of money, to me, means absolutely nothing. it's really no different than any other factor whether it be appearance, their self perceived status, etc. some women can't let go of the illusion that they are in control and will actively push away men with money, just like other women will fish for money. which is no less devious, in my opinion, than the gold digger types who are just looking for a sugar daddy. the gold digger is trying to manipulate men into giving them money, the opposite type is trying to manipulate men by refusing what they perceive as a source of leverage on the man's part. they're really no different, both are fixated on control/power over men first and foremost, and neither are long term prospects. but in the short term, the gold digger is actually preferable, you won't have to constantly struggle to get her to do anything outside of her schedule. the red flag statement that the anti-gold digger usually presents is she struggles to find men that can "keep up with her". well sorry, you haven't found one that's gonna try to "keep up with you" this time either. the currency those types are fishing for isn't money, it's casual non-committal attention, and they want that currency of attention paid to them on their terms. unfortunately for them it doesn't work that way, which is why they are persistently single. I don't refuse money because of being self-righteous, nor do I refuse if a man offers to pay my way, it's just not something I expect, or ever take for granted. When a dinner is bought for me, I say thank you, and I mean it, but I also have no problem with paying for my own dinner, or paying for my dates dinner either. For me it doesn't have anything to do with power within a relationship, it has to do with respect of the other person. If I'm with a very traditional man who wants to pay for everything, so be it, I'm not going to refuse, but I'm not going to expect that either. Society has changed and I don't believe that chivalry is dead but I'm just not the type of woman that expects anything from anyone. It's just who I am.
misssmartypants Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 again, re-read the entire scenario. i'm completely understanding that other people have busier lives than me. but the response to a suggestion of taking some vacation/sick time to do something (that she herself said she wanted to do, in virtually all cases) of becoming LESS available as a sort of power play or demonstration of independence is what i'm talking about. and yeah, that is a red flag. you think men don't change their schedules to appease women? they do all the time. 1) I wouldn't ask a man to skip out of work to go have fun with me. I am a responsible person and I want to date a responsible person, so why would I encourage irresponsible behavior. 2) I'm gonna just say it, cause I don't think anyone else has, its weird to offer a woman money so she can go out with you. Call it reimbursing her for wages lost if you want, but it sounds a lot like you are offering to pay her to go on a date. No women takes kindly to the suggestion that they are a prostitute. I'm not saying you meant it like that, but that's sort how its coming off. And I don't think its a power play on her part to decline an event and being reimbursed her lost wages in favor of going on in to work. I think you're a little neurotic and reading more into, or at least the wrong things into it.
thatone Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I don't refuse money because of being self-righteous, nor do I refuse if a man offers to pay my way, it's just not something I expect, or ever take for granted. When a dinner is bought for me, I say thank you, and I mean it, but I also have no problem with paying for my own dinner, or paying for my dates dinner either. For me it doesn't have anything to do with power within a relationship, it has to do with respect of the other person. If I'm with a very traditional man who wants to pay for everything, so be it, I'm not going to refuse, but I'm not going to expect that either. Society has changed and I don't believe that chivalry is dead but I'm just not the type of woman that expects anything from anyone. It's just who I am. that opinion, i think is perfectly normal and suggests that you 'get it', for lack of a better word. what you're describing is your ability to be confident enough in yourself to meet your partner's opinions half way, even if they don't perfectly match your own. that's not really what i'm complaining about. i'm just trying to present an alternative, but equally real, scenario in this particular discussion. another example, which perhaps better illustrates it... a woman i met online and talked to on a dating site for a short period of time, but didn't really date per se, i have kept in touch with as friends. she met someone who she was interested in a relationship with before her schedule ever clicked with mine so there was never much potential, but we talked on facebook and text a bit after the fact due to common interests, that's about it. she recently comes to me and explains an issue she has with a co-worker, that sounds like sexual harassment to me. i give her my opinion, talk a bit about it, and tell her that i can't help that much since she'll have to take the initiative to deal with this on her own, but what i can do if she wants is put her in touch with an family law attorney friend, who would be happy to give her advice about it, and knowing that she struggles with money as a recently single mother, i pointed out that she wouldn't have to worry about paying him or owing him anything, since he's a friend of mine i'd just call it a favor to me and he could meet her for lunch somewhere and talk about it if she wanted to. now, i have her phone number, i have her facebook info, i know where she lives, all that stuff. so she knows i'm not stalking her or the harassing type or anything like that, because i have all of the information required to do those things but don't do them. i pretty much respect the boundary of keeping distant conversation with her, that's it. she instantly clams up and cold shoulders me about my suggestion, saying "no, i don't need your charity i'm fine". and i'm thinking "well, why did you tell me all this crap then? if you wanna deal with it then deal with it, stop telling me about it." and you know what the answer is? i can think of lots of ways to sugar coat it but the bottom line is she's torn between desire for attention and a shoulder to cry on, and on the other hand declaring her independence and lack of need for a man to help her with anything. and as soon as any situation arises with a man, whether she's dating him or not, that she perceives as a loss of control, she goes into 'cold b*tch mode'. those are the types i'm talking about.
sm1tten Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I read thatone's scenario that a) she wants to take the time off, but b) the time would be unpaid, and then c) she doesn't want to accept the money because of d) how she thinks it would look to him. The assumption I read in it was the woman's assumption that taking the money is wrong, and his assumption that her refusal is tied to self-righteousness. I think it was perhaps a poorly worded example and both sides are sounding equally presumptuous, frankly. I enjoy giving and receiving gifts and benefits of generosity, and my only expectation is that the relationship is reciprocal. II just try to keep a healthy balance in the relationship. Which is actually not so much, for me, about being "equal" in the strictest sense. ETA: I also think a "problem" here is that (some) men (often) want to fix a woman's problems, and sometimes the easiest solution is throwing money at it... and there are (some) women who are more than happy to accept that kind of help. And then others who find it offensive because it suggests something about their character.
thatone Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) I read thatone's scenario that a) she wants to take the time off, but b) the time would be unpaid, and then c) she doesn't want to accept the money because of d) how she thinks it would look to him. The assumption I read in it was the woman's assumption that taking the money is wrong, and his assumption that her refusal is tied to self-righteousness. I think it was perhaps a poorly worded example and both sides are sounding equally presumptuous, frankly. I enjoy giving and receiving gifts and benefits of generosity, and my only expectation is that the relationship is reciprocal. II just try to keep a healthy balance in the relationship. Which is actually not so much, for me, about being "equal" in the strictest sense. ETA: I also think a "problem" here is that (some) men (often) want to fix a woman's problems, and sometimes the easiest solution is throwing money at it... and there are (some) women who are more than happy to accept that kind of help. And then others who find it offensive because it suggests something about their character. that's pretty much it, i posted another example that better illustrates the personality flaw i'm referring to as you were typing, read the post above yours. i don't expect more than i give. in fact i don't even expect as much, i'm fully aware of the fact that i have more freedom than most people do. but i don't take kindly to power/control games. if a woman i'm dating tells me she wants something, and i offer it to her, then she cold shoulders me about it, i'm gone. it's a sign of a person that is not confident enough in their own self to be with another person that's in some way different from how they are, so they push themselves away. and it most often arises in money situations. to be honest, i find that most people with little money have a higher opinion of money than those with more money do. i've been both, so i can relate to both. now that i have more money, i really don't put much emphasis on it. in my particular business money isn't a problem, everyone who does what i do for a living will be able to make money, and borrow money, and have money (and no i'm not a drug dealer, lol), so you kinda get jaded to it after awhile. as i said, it doesn't mean anything, i just see money as a means of getting the 'things' you want, but 'things' aren't all that important once you've gotten all the 'things' you wanted, so who cares? that's why it's incredibly frustrating to deal with women who have rigid perceptions and notions about money and who pays for what. just another incompatibility that you have to end up crossing people off of the list of potentials for. Edited July 13, 2011 by thatone
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