gozone77 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Has anyone here been in a marriage where your spouse was pretty adamant for years that you had to be the one to change in order for the relationship to get better but then finally makes an effort to change and you don't care? Last night, we had a discussion in which she said I loved attention from other people and had no self-confidence and needed validation from other people (along with "needing" to be a part of something). This stemmed from the fact that I play on the company softball team even though I don't normally follow baseball. I do generally like to interact with people even though I'm pretty much an introvert and loner with rather crude social skills. When I said that I just liked sports, doing something fun, and joining coworkers, she said I didn't get it and that every time she tries to say something about me, I take it personally. Now, she's also been saying I'm an arrogant person, and as she hates arrogant people, she feels the need to knock me down a peg or two sometimes. Also, I work in a job where it's sometimes necessary to work an hour or two extra, even of my own time, to network with people and create opportunities for the future, but she's said no one works for free unless they like working and that I must be doing it for social validation/acceptance. Those should give you an idea of the sort of things she says to me...well...on top of some other things that are a little harsher. I guess my point is that for years, she's maintained that since she's the older, far more socially/relationship experienced person, I really need to listen to what she says so that I can learn (in our relationship and otherwise). I've maintained that my feelings and opinions matter even if she doesn't agree with them and can't just be tossed aside as rubbish since I have no social experience. Some of the things she's said have gotten me pretty upset (though she says most men wouldn't really care about stuff like that). Well, we recently had a development in which I found she had a profile for a brief time on ashleymadison.com because I hadn't been seeking sufficient intimacy with her. A coworker told her that only two years married is too soon to divorce and that it takes work and acceptance. Since then, she's been really sweet and making more effort to be affectionate (which she's not) and not "attack" as much. She's clearly trying, but I have this deep feeling within me that I don't care, that all she's said and done over the years is too much. Shouldn't I be thankful she's trying (as much as she can, anyway) and hopeful to keep the marriage together rather than yearning to move out and start over with my life?
Author gozone77 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Oh, I might also add that with her temper, when our arguments get heated, she can get pretty harsh. She's brought up divorce (and waiting for me to get out) when she's upset more times than I care to think about. I've always just swallowed it, so to speak. Now, a part of me is p*ssed off that I've just taken it for so many years and should have made my stand to leave a while ago (although maybe she's right that I've been way off for so long).
UntoldStory Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 It sounds like she's been emotionally abusive, and you're just done. Unless you think there's really something she might do to change your mind or feelings, your best bet is probably to politely give her the brush off. Once she sees you're seriously through, she may attempt REAL change, or she may throw a fit and end the marriage promptly. Either way, unless she's doing stuff that makes a real positive difference to you, I'd say ignore her. I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm done, and there's a lot of too little too late stuff coming in from my stbxh. If I thought it represented real change, I would probably want to talk to him about it, but as it is, I think it's manipulative and I'm annoyed by it.
Author gozone77 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 It sounds like she's been emotionally abusive, and you're just done. Unless you think there's really something she might do to change your mind or feelings, your best bet is probably to politely give her the brush off. Once she sees you're seriously through, she may attempt REAL change, or she may throw a fit and end the marriage promptly. Either way, unless she's doing stuff that makes a real positive difference to you, I'd say ignore her. I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm done, and there's a lot of too little too late stuff coming in from my stbxh. If I thought it represented real change, I would probably want to talk to him about it, but as it is, I think it's manipulative and I'm annoyed by it. I know what you mean by the annoying part! Is it enough for her to make an effort, or would I be justified in expecting her not to be throwing in any low-blows when she knows I don't appreciate them, especially if she's "trying"?
coolheadal Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Your wife and my wife could be twins.. I live like that for years I guess there are the good and the bad and the ugly. But the verbal abuse is not a good sign. I told her many times she stop saying those things. But in her mind it's okay to say it and doesn't see anything wrong for saying it! If you don't feel for her again then depart. I am doing that now.. After the cheating I am a firm believer that the wife should not cheat in the marriage. I never wanted D to come in but now it has. So I need to go and get my life turned around. She's nuts and I not going down the nutty path with her ever again. I will never ever come to this town again nor where she lives. I told her this and i don't care if she doesn't believe me. Enough of this nick picking, back stabbing verbal abusive wives they need to zip it!
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