Dedalus Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Almost four years ago I had a one-night stand with a girl at university. It was right at the end of my course, but we carried on seeing one another and a relationship developed. We started living together fairly early on - this was more due to circumstances than the result of a thought-out decision (although she was keen). I had my reservations about it because I was moving to a new city and had the option of living with my best friends instead, but I agreed anyway. Our relationship was pretty good. However, I started to feel claustrophobic. I wasn't in a job I liked, our flat was quite small, etc. When she went away for a month once I felt really free and spent every evening seeing different friends, doing different things. She was very caring and understanding and didn't really pressure me at all. But after having been together about two years, we started arguing more and more. There was another girl who liked and flirted with me and I made it out not to be a big deal, but for my girlfriend it was a problem. Nothing happened between me and this other girl, but it caused a lot of jealousy and arguments. The fact that I was so unwilling to put my gf's mind at rest (instead preferring to talk about my individual freedoms and my right to see whoever I liked, etc) made me question our relationship. I started asking myself if I really loved her and whether we were right for each other. At that time, a new girl started at my work. I thought she was very attractive and we flirted a little, but nothing happened and we were pretty much just friends. The relationship with my girlfriend deteriorated. We argued more and more and eventually I broke up with her. Almost immediately I hooked up with this other girl. For about a week I felt on top of the world. It's awful to say, but I felt relief at having got out of the relationship. It had been bothering me so much that I wasn't sure I loved her that it felt good to be out of the situation. After a few weeks I started to feel terrible. The worst emotional pain of my life. I missed my gf, agonised about whether or not I had done the right thing, etc. Whenever I saw her I broke down. The new girl was very patient, despite the fact that my pain at having broken up with my ex even affected my sexual performance. As the months went on, things became easier. The new girl and I told each other we would keep things casual. Fast forward to the present day. I am still with the second girl. We have a weird relationship. We don't have much in common, but we do have great sex and she makes me laugh a lot. It's still technically casual, but after a year I guess inevitably it's a little more serious than that. I don't think it's got much chance of surviving long term and she lacks a lot of the qualities of my ex (she is less caring being the main one). Meanwhile I have been seeing my ex every couple of weeks as a friend. We having been getting on incredibly well, but nothing has ever happened. I didn't think I wanted it to either. However, my ex is facing imminent deportation - she would be moving to (literally) the other side of the world. Obviously she is devastated - and so am I. A few nights ago she told me she still loved me - almost exactly a year after we split. This has turned my whole world upside down. The day she told me, we had been hanging out with friends and I had been thinking 'man, she's great... I hope I didn't make a terrible mistake breaking up with her' and then she dropped that bombshell. I understand that no one can tell me what to do at this stage, but I am so confused. I told my ex that I cannot get back with her while I have any doubt. After all, I broke up with her a year ago. I couldn't put her through the pain of doing all that again if I realised it was a mistake. On the other hand, I am a year older, hopefully a bit wiser. I guess I have half an eye on the prospect of settling down and this girl would make a great wife and excellent mother. My current relationship probably isn't actually going anywhere anyway... I know no one can tell me what to do, but I'd love to hear from people who have been in a similar situation or who could offer some advice or insight. Or even just suggestions on how to go about making such a decision. Sorry for the long read, thank you if you have got this far! Any questions, just ask...
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) Ok, I want you to really read what you typed again. I want you to read it and internalize it. Your intuition is telling you something here. Now this is where YOU make the decision on what YOU want to happen in your life. I will give you hints only on what you typed. The part about the casual friend whom you dont see going long term (right now thats settling... you do not have feelings for her like you do with your ex). This is when you end a relationship before you hurt her like you did an ex. It's been a year and you say you do not have the same feelings for her. You are using her. I'm being blunt because you are not acting with high morals or character. Next thing I am going to ask you and you have to answer this to yourself. Did you make a mistake breaking up with her? If so you made a decision in the past to break up with her. You now regret it. You have a great opportunity to fix said decision. You can't live life wondering what if's. You have to act on what you think is right for you. You have to make the best decision for you, not her. If you see a great future for you with your ex, then there's a decision. If you do not, then there's another decision to be made. Make the decision, take things slow and move forward on that decision. The reason you are posting here is you are looking for outside confirmation on a decision that I know you are going to make. I know which decision you are going to make here but you have to make this decision on your own. Not with the advice of others. You have to build up the confidence in your self and just do it. And thats what being a man is all about. Making a decision, taking the reins and moving forward whether it be the correct decision or the incorrect one Edited July 13, 2011 by wilsonx
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