lmoss92 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Okay so I'm 19 and I've been in a relationship with my 20 year old boyfriend for nearly a year and a half. Everything's amazing, we get on really well and things are going great, however, I cant get over the way he used to be. I consider myself very lucky as I am the first real relationship he has been in and he has slept with only 3 girls. Problem is I cant get over this fact, I cant get over thinking of them having sex. he admitted that he hasn't had a good experience of sex before me and I can believe that. One of the main things I loved about him was that he wasn't the same as any other guy i have dated in the sense that he didn't go out looking for girls and he wasn't really out of order on social networking software like msn messenger. I mean out of order in the sense that guys would talk to girls in a really forward almost sexual way and ask to go on web cam in underwear and such verging on cybersex We were talking about our first facebook private male messages and we wanted to find them but we couldn't on our phones so as we trust each other we both have each others facebook passwords and while he went to football i went on his facebook on the computer to see if i could see the messages then which i couldn't so i noticed an archive part (not sure what that means) but i came accross messages between him and other girls a couple of weeks before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, we had met at this point but did not start talking untill a week or so later. these messages were from between the 10th of feb 2010 and around the 15th. I met him between those days and we got talking a couple of days after my birthday on the 20th. The messages involved him being very flirty with the few girls in the messages, one more than the rest and one in particular made a reference to msn, the message read "Get on msn wee man, I miss our chats, but put some clothes on this time see you soon baby xxxx" Fact is i know this girl and this makes it harder. i Know its before we went out but he did lie about not being like that and saying i was the only girl he was interested in at that time. i was really hurt for some reason and with the girl he was kinda flirtng with more, he spoke about chatting up girls at our local nightclub(which he said he never done) and he was mentioning how he didnt finish with his ex through choice as she cheated and implying he'd still be with her. I have a huge hang up with ex's so this got to me as he said there were no real feelings. I was shocked and went out with my friend to cheer me up and i got back to him pacing the house in a panic. He refused to talk about any of the conversations and for me alarm bells were ringning but he is stubborn and doesnt talk about things he is ashamed with. later on he opened up, told me exactly the situation with the girls he slept with and to be honest there was nothing real about his relationship, it was based on the fact that he and this girl shared a common ground of family troubles and there was nothing physicaluntil they went out months after they split up and got too drunk and one thing led to another. he admitted he was mad at himself and left right away but because of thingd going on and his head not being straight he contemplated having feelings for this girl which stopped as soon as he met me as he realised his stupidity, his words! He put the chatting up girls, the flirting, the msn situation down to the fact he was emotionally unstable and guys do silly things. I know he's a keeper but i still can't get over what i saw in the messages, the situation regarding his ex and me not getting over it is completely sorted now which is brilliant but the fact i know the girl he said that to on msn still really bothers me, i saw him in a different light and it is difficult to overcome, this all happened yesterday so its still early stages. can't bare to think of him being any way other than friendly or mormal towards any other girl. He did say the reason he refused to talk about the messages was because he was mortified at the person he used to be and tried to hide it from me because he really wanted to be in with a chance with me as i was the only one he had feelings for and was stupid to think he could hide the way he used to be. sorry if i have repeated myself and im sorry for the lenthg but i need to get over all this as he is very special to me, please help.
oldguy Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) I have to admit, I had some trouble reading through your post because it was pretty much run on. Pls don't be offended by this but, if English is your first language it would benefit you to think about paragraphs. I'm just sayin. As for your problem, it sounds like classic RJ, retroactive jealousy. There are things written all over LS & the internet about it. It is thought of by some as being a male problem, if you run across those, ignore them, you are evidence it is NOT gender bias. It generally boils down to you being insecure & usually, if not always, has more to do with you than your current relationship. Also, people who have this problem don't always experience it in every relationship. It could be something as simple as; one of his ex's reminds you of a girl who intimidated or even bullied you when you where much younger and that is triggering your RJ. You may have to seek help for this. That's usually the best way. If you do & the therapist simply tries to cognitively convince you not to feel this way, find another counselor. That's like trying to tell someone with diabetes to just walk it off. Your pain is very real & I'm sorry for that. Good luck to you. Edited July 13, 2011 by oldguy
spice4life Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I have to admit that I have no patience anymore with people making an issue out of ex's, especially if they were before you were committed. I was put through *ell because of RJ claims and I didn't do anything wrong. I admit that I might be projecting, but please consider the *ell you are putting poor guy through and go get yourself some help. This should be posted under cheating flirting and jealousy anyway. People are going to have ex's period! Quit looking for trouble by going back into his past and get some therapy asap. Or, break up with the poor guy if you can't get control over your RJ with him.
whichwayisup Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Everyone has an ex. Everybody has had experiences, both emotional and sexual past experiences.. To be blunt..Get over it! If you want to ruin your relationship, keep focussing on the past.. If you want a healthy relationship, focus on the NOW. Believe that he is who he is because of his past! And that should be a good thing, not a bad thing.
oldguy Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 If I didn't mention before, RJ is a real feeling. Just, 'sucking it up' doesn't work anymore than telling someone to just 'get over' diabetes or... a broken bone. However the problem IS yours not your bf/gf & you should not involve them in YOUR problem. As I did say; this is your issue not theirs.
TurboGirl Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Yikes, Lmoss, First of all, he flirted BEFORE you were together. He was embarrassed and didn't want to tell you (and frankly no need to tell you anything, it was before YOU). Don't understand why on earth you have each other's facebook passwords. WT*? So you can check up on each other? That is uncool. After this you should have learned that snooping through someone elses mail is not a good idea. Suggest that you take a good hard look at yourself and your life and try & figure out why on earth you are so insecure. You have to let the past be the past and just concentrate on what you have today - if you don't you will end up driving this nice guy, a "keeper" away from you. This guy treats you nicely and is good to you. If you keep obsessing over the girls before you, you will lose him. Take him at his word and quit quizzing him about the past. Not attractive. Also might want to separate your posts into sentences and paragraphs... easier to read.
Author lmoss92 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 TurboGirl Take into account the time that this was posted, my head wasn't straight and I over reacted. I didn't demand he told me anything, he done it through choice and as far as facebook goes, he had told me to go on it and look as he was busy at football; luckily he was logged on as I don't actually remember his password. Thanks for taking the time to reply and after clearing my head its not the girls or anything its the fact he lied about it when we were discussing things at the start of our relationship. I understand the way you may have taken it going by what I was saying but I was tired and not thinking straight. I've also never told him my insecurities about ex's and i didn't go crazy at him! You've helped a good bit, Thanks.
Author lmoss92 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Thanks very much for taking the time to reply, appreciated muchly!
fooled once Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Okay so I'm 19 and I've been in a relationship with my 20 year old boyfriend for nearly a year and a half. Everything's amazing, we get on really well and things are going great, however, I cant get over the way he used to be. I consider myself very lucky as I am the first real relationship he has been in and he has slept with only 3 girls. Problem is I cant get over this fact, I cant get over thinking of them having sex. he admitted that he hasn't had a good experience of sex before me and I can believe that. One of the main things I loved about him was that he wasn't the same as any other guy i have dated in the sense that he didn't go out looking for girls and he wasn't really out of order on social networking software like msn messenger. I mean out of order in the sense that guys would talk to girls in a really forward almost sexual way and ask to go on web cam in underwear and such verging on cybersex We were talking about our first facebook private male messages and we wanted to find them but we couldn't on our phones so as we trust each other we both have each others facebook passwords and while he went to football i went on his facebook on the computer to see if i could see the messages then which i couldn't so i noticed an archive part (not sure what that means) but i came accross messages between him and other girls a couple of weeks before we became boyfriend and girlfriend, we had met at this point but did not start talking untill a week or so later. these messages were from between the 10th of feb 2010 and around the 15th. I met him between those days and we got talking a couple of days after my birthday on the 20th. The messages involved him being very flirty with the few girls in the messages, one more than the rest and one in particular made a reference to msn, the message read "Get on msn wee man, I miss our chats, but put some clothes on this time see you soon baby xxxx" Fact is i know this girl and this makes it harder. i Know its before we went out but he did lie about not being like that and saying i was the only girl he was interested in at that time. i was really hurt for some reason and with the girl he was kinda flirtng with more, he spoke about chatting up girls at our local nightclub(which he said he never done) and he was mentioning how he didnt finish with his ex through choice as she cheated and implying he'd still be with her. I have a huge hang up with ex's so this got to me as he said there were no real feelings. I was shocked and went out with my friend to cheer me up and i got back to him pacing the house in a panic. He refused to talk about any of the conversations and for me alarm bells were ringning but he is stubborn and doesnt talk about things he is ashamed with. later on he opened up, told me exactly the situation with the girls he slept with and to be honest there was nothing real about his relationship, it was based on the fact that he and this girl shared a common ground of family troubles and there was nothing physicaluntil they went out months after they split up and got too drunk and one thing led to another. he admitted he was mad at himself and left right away but because of thingd going on and his head not being straight he contemplated having feelings for this girl which stopped as soon as he met me as he realised his stupidity, his words! He put the chatting up girls, the flirting, the msn situation down to the fact he was emotionally unstable and guys do silly things. I know he's a keeper but i still can't get over what i saw in the messages, the situation regarding his ex and me not getting over it is completely sorted now which is brilliant but the fact i know the girl he said that to on msn still really bothers me, i saw him in a different light and it is difficult to overcome, this all happened yesterday so its still early stages. can't bare to think of him being any way other than friendly or mormal towards any other girl. He did say the reason he refused to talk about the messages was because he was mortified at the person he used to be and tried to hide it from me because he really wanted to be in with a chance with me as i was the only one he had feelings for and was stupid to think he could hide the way he used to be. sorry if i have repeated myself and im sorry for the lenthg but i need to get over all this as he is very special to me, please help. Paragraphs are your friend Like others have said, we ALL have pasts. YOU need to deal with it. It isn't HIS responsibility to explain his past to you - it is his past. Also, you are 19; you won't be with him in 2 years. You are not with the last person you will be with. Most men don't like needy, clingy girls. The fact that you two give each other passwords is so silly and juvenile. People are allowed to have privacy. People are allowed to speak to others and be friends with others. This is YOUR issue, not his. Leave his past alone. If YOU can't accept it, then the relationship isn't right and it needs to end. I think you have a lot of maturing to do, because it is very rare to find someone who didn't have a love prior to you. Please don't make this HIS issue; it is YOURS to deal with. He shouldn't have to change because you have issues; you accepted him "as is" when you met him (and this doesn't mean you should stay with an alcoholic, a drug user or an abuser). You knew he wasn't a virgin when you met him. LET IT GO --- thats the best advice I can give you.
Author lmoss92 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Fooled once Thankyou, i appreciate the time you have taken to reply and read that awful mess of writing. However I have came across all wrong, I keep my insecurities away from him as i don't want to lose him over something silly and inevitable. As far as facebook goes, we don't go on checking things ever, i didn't know his password, it was logged on and he asked me to go on to find our messages. It was too long ago we swapped passwords so I forgot his! I wasn't a virgin either, its also not the girls I was bothered with, the point I was trying to make was that he lied to me about it when we spoke about things at the start of the relationship and that I couldn't get over the fact he was portraying himself as a different person. Thanks again!
fooled once Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Sorry, I skimmed your post because it was hard to read he lied about what? being on instant messaging or flirting with others? Is it really THAT important in the whole scheme of things? Does his current behavior indicate that he is a cheater? I ask this because so many OW know upfront that the MM they are with are liars, cheats and have no idea of what failthfulness is. Yet many stay - for years - and then are all aghast that he breaks their heart, he "lied" and never divorced, he made "promises" he didn't keep. Well, DUH, you knew that going in he was that way! We are talking about a 20 year old man. Unless he is treating you poorly or disrespecting you, you have got to drop the insecurity over his past. You have to let go that something he said when he first met you wasn't 100% truthful. Have you ever 'lied' to him, even a small white lie? Did you ever fake an orgasm to not hurt his feelings? Did you ever flirt with someone and not tell him? We all do small things from time to time that may not be exactly who we believe we are in our hearts --- especially at the young age of 20. The person you are at 20 will not be the same person you are at 30. You do a ton of growing, changing, learning and evolving in your 20's. So let it go, don't bring it up again and move forward. And if you can't - end it because you will always use it against him - either willingly or unconsciously. Good luck!
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