Dedalus Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) Almost four years ago I had a one-night stand with a girl at university. It was right at the end of my course, but we carried on seeing one another and a relationship developed. We started living together fairly early on - this was more due to circumstances than the result of a thought-out decision (although she was keen). I had my reservations about it because I was moving to a new city and had the option of living with my best friends instead, but I agreed anyway. Our relationship was pretty good. However, I started to feel claustrophobic. I wasn't in a job I liked, our flat was quite small, etc. When she went away for a month once I felt really free and spent every evening seeing different friends, doing different things. She was very caring and understanding and didn't really pressure me at all. But after having been together about two years, we started arguing more and more. There was another girl who liked and flirted with me and I made it out not to be a big deal, but for my girlfriend it was a problem. Nothing happened between me and this other girl, but it caused a lot of jealousy and arguments. The fact that I was so unwilling to put my gf's mind at rest (instead preferring to talk about my individual freedoms and my right to see whoever I liked, etc) made me question our relationship. I started asking myself if I really loved her and whether we were right for each other. At that time, a new girl started at my work. I thought she was very attractive and we flirted a little, but nothing happened and we were pretty much just friends. The relationship with my girlfriend deteriorated. We argued more and more and eventually I broke up with her. Almost immediately I hooked up with this other girl. For about a week I felt on top of the world. It's awful to say, but I felt relief at having got out of the relationship. It had been bothering me so much that I wasn't sure I loved her that it felt good to be out of the situation. After a few weeks I started to feel terrible. The worst emotional pain of my life. I missed my gf, agonised about whether or not I had done the right thing, etc. Whenever I saw her I broke down. The new girl was very patient, despite the fact that my pain at having broken up with my ex even affected my sexual performance. As the months went on, things became easier. The new girl and I told each other we would keep things casual. Fast forward to the present day. I am still with the second girl. We have a weird relationship. We don't have much in common, but we do have great sex and she makes me laugh a lot. It's still technically casual, but after a year I guess inevitably it's a little more serious than that. I don't think it's got much chance of surviving long term and she lacks a lot of the qualities of my ex (she is less caring being the main one). Meanwhile I have been seeing my ex every couple of weeks as a friend. We having been getting on incredibly well, but nothing has ever happened. I didn't think I wanted it to either. However, my ex is facing imminent deportation - she would be moving to (literally) the other side of the world. Obviously she is devastated - and so am I. A few nights ago she told me she still loved me - almost exactly a year after we split. This has turned my whole world upside down. The day she told me, we had been hanging out with friends and I had been thinking 'man, she's great... I hope I didn't make a terrible mistake breaking up with her' and then she dropped that bombshell. I understand that no one can tell me what to do at this stage, but I am so confused. I told my ex that I cannot get back with her while I have any doubt. After all, I broke up with her a year ago. I couldn't put her through the pain of doing all that again if I realised it was a mistake. On the other hand, I am a year older, hopefully a bit wiser. I guess I have half an eye on the prospect of settling down and this girl would make a great wife and excellent mother. My current relationship probably isn't actually going anywhere anyway... I know no one can tell me what to do, but I'd love to hear from people who have been in a similar situation or who could offer some advice or insight. Or even just suggestions on how to go about making such a decision. Sorry for the long read, thank you if you have got this far! Any questions, just ask... Edited July 13, 2011 by Dedalus
Graceful Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Dedalus, Do you remember me and the posts we exchanged when you were on the board around the holidays? I took a double take when I saw your name here right now, as it's been while. It's as though you're still feeling the same confusion now as you were feeling back then ... so you know what that means? Time to make a choice. Take a stand. There's a reason you're still confused and it's because you don't seem to have had a compelling reason to change your situation -- until now -- now that your ex is about to be deported. Been a case of having your cake and eating it too, just a little bit anyhow. You've had a GF that's filled your needs and continued to be friends with your ex, despite the confusion that it's caused. And know what? You'd have to like the idea of the ultimate LDR to decide to get back together with her, am I right? Other side of the world?? When is she leaving? For now, this is what I have to offer: If there is no future with your current GF, she's not "the one", it's been a fun ride, it's not going to be easy, but it's time to end it. This is where you can really show your maturity. This is where you have the chance to dig deep and decide if you're in it "for the long haul" or if you are still in "dating mode" and don't care if the person you are with is going to be your life partner. "Some people come into you life for a reason or a season" -- she seems to be one of them. She's not in it for a lifetime, so wouldn't it be decent of you to let her go so she can get on with her life, too? You should do this regardless of what happens with your ex, you know. A year is long enough to be in a relationship that's going no where, despite the fun and decent sex. As for your ex, what more is there to say? Ask her why she pulled out all the stops (telling you she still loves you) now? Is the move what prompted her to speak up? You had no idea she felt that way? What I remember of your relationship was that your ex was a wonderful, warm, caring person who had everything anyone could ever want in a relationship or a marriage partner. But there was still something missing for you, am I right? I remember telling you that when you moved in with her when you did, it was not a well-thought out decision, and not a conscious one. That you probably weren't ready or mature enough for it. That feeling trapped was a logical end result. So you finally broke up with her. Then, what did you do? You found another person, your current GF, you never really made any steps to reconcile with your ex, you never went the extra mile to figure out if you should be with her and see if she felt the same. I seem to remember she began to date someone else for a while, right? So was that one reason? Still, I know you were tormented by your decision. All I can ask you to do is get in touch with how you really feel about your ex, and recognize the difference between wanting to be with her, or liking the idea that she wants to be with you. I mean, do you really love her and want to go down a serious path with her, or are you still scared that you'll bail again because something is missing? It's confusing to think a year has gone by, and if you're still confused as to what to do, how can anyone feel good about telling you to pursue your ex, when she's going to be on the other side of the world? That's not realistic. And no, you can't propose marriage to her under these circumstances, that's crazy shizz, IMHO. What are your choices, in all truth? I don't know what it is, but I still don't get the impression you're really in love with your ex. Why is that? Because you still sound the same way you sounded last winter when you were first posting. That your ex in a logical way is "the one" because she is such a great person, but I just don't know if you feel that in your gut. If you did, you wouldn't need to be on the LS board asking. You would have finally felt the floodgates open up and knew you and your ex are meant to be together. But you're still hedging, see what I mean? I know no one can tell me what to do, but I'd love to hear from people who have been in a similar situation or who could offer some advice or insight. Or even just suggestions on how to go about making such a decision. Sorry for the long read, thank you if you have got this far! Any questions, just ask... When is she moving? Sorry to ask so many questions, but you said it was okay to ask questions. It really is nice to see you again. See, I'm just the same pain in the neck, too, aren't I? Later.
chloe56 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 What a surprise, not. Really, after all the effort Graceful and everyone else put into gently pointing you in the right direction, you are still essentially asking the same questions while breaking more hearts. Just take that hard look at yourself for once, it will be worthwhile in the end. If I have been rude, ah well, you bring the worst out in me.
Graceful Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 What a surprise, not. Really, after all the effort Graceful and everyone else put into gently pointing you in the right direction, you are still essentially asking the same questions while breaking more hearts. Just take that hard look at yourself for once, it will be worthwhile in the end. If I have been rude, ah well, you bring the worst out in me. Wow, do you know the OP? Just never saw a post quite like this. I did communicate at length with the OP last winter, and I, too, didn't think his update showed much progress. I can understand, depending on where you're coming from, why you might feel as you do. There's only so much anyone can say or do here. Thanks for the vote of confidence, though, Chloe.
chloe56 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I apologise for the earlier rant Graceful, not quite sure why I had to rant. I don't know the OP, just his type and I suppose it just hits a raw nerve with me. To Dedalus: Yeah, life is full of tough decisions, but do you have to hurt keeping hurting people knowingly before you figure out what you want?
krifle04 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 You = my ex boyfriend. Thank you for sharing your story...it helps me realize what my boyfriend was going through as I was constantly worrying about his new coworker crush. This is exactly what happened to us. He met her, developed feelings, while I freaked out and fought about it, and he never did a thing to fix it. It's been six weeks and he's been seeing her for about 3, and is just now starting to try and talk to me a lot. Hmm. I have no advice for, but I appreciate you sharing :]
Author Dedalus Posted August 20, 2011 Author Posted August 20, 2011 Grace - I do remember you, of course. Thanks for replying! I really want to write back... but I don't even know what to say, so I won't. But really, thanks for taking the time to reply. I'm just really not in a very good place right now.
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