Lilmisus Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Back during my junior year of high school (four - five years ago), I went to a school where I clicked with the theatre people. One of those people, was a good friend of mine who was a senior at the time. For a few years, she dated this guy off and on, but I think that in the end, they were both way too immature to be in a relationship, especially with one another. Before graduating, they broke up for good, and I don't think that they even talk to each other any more. Her and my friendship was so "good" that I went to her baby shower a couple weeks ago even though she moved to a different state a couple years ago. Tonight, I went to a party and I ran into her ex. Though him and I were never close, we did do a couple theatre shows together (with his ex), and went out a couple times (with his ex and others). The entire time that we went to school together, I always had a crush on him, regardless, but of course, never even dreamed of acting on it. Just two days ago, I sent him a friend request on Facebook, and just yesterday he accepted, and over the past few years, that's the most "contact" we've had. At the party, since I'm not drinking till I'm 21, I was basically just sitting on the couch with a few others just watching everyone play drinking games and get wasted. After asking a mutual friend if I was me (after like 20 minutes there), he came over, gave me a hug, and sat down and talked to me for a bit. We talked about what we've been up to, old friends, where we've been, etc. I was thinking about telling him that I went to his ex's baby shower, but I of course decided against it. While talking, I remembered exactly why I had a crush on him in the first place a few years ago There's just something about sincerely nice, funny, hot, pursuing actors that really turns me on I'm just wondering...would it be a terrible idea to think of getting involved with him? He's single right now and though he's moved around a lot the past couple years, he's planning on staying here for a while longer if he can get an acting gig. Or would this just be a bad thing to do considering my friend, therefore making him off limits? (Note: I just have a crush on him, and thinking about starting something..you know, send him a message on Facebook or something and go from there.)
D-Lish Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Did he give you the vibes he was interested? A guy that is interestd will move mountains to be with you, just saying. My whole point is, if he's not doing the chasing, he's not interested ENOUGH, If you respect yourself, that should be enough information to say 'NEXT'.
thatone Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 My whole point is, if he's not doing the chasing, he's not interested ENOUGH, If you respect yourself, that should be enough information to say 'NEXT'. good way to wind up single at 45-50 ^ that said, you know he's single, so he's fair game. don't see why not?
Author Lilmisus Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Did he give you the vibes he was interested? A guy that is interestd will move mountains to be with you, just saying. My whole point is, if he's not doing the chasing, he's not interested ENOUGH, If you respect yourself, that should be enough information to say 'NEXT'. He gave off the drunk vibe last night But that was just like everyone else (besides me) last night. So no matter how much he may have given off "I'm interested" vibes last night, I don't think that when a person is drunk it's a fair analysis to how they truly may or may not feel.
iJester Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 If you like him, go for it. After you've gone out a couple times, you should tell your friend that you've seen him a couple times, just so she doesn't find out from someone else, but don't make it seem like she has a say in what you and this guy are doing.
TaurusTerp Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 good way to wind up single at 45-50 ^ that said, you know he's single, so he's fair game. don't see why not? +1 Being passive is stupid. You get out what you put in.
FinOuch Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I think the answer to your question ultimately lies in two things: 1) how will the ex/friend feel about it? 2) how much do you value your friendship with his ex? If she doesn't care (which I'm assuming would be the case since she's moved on and had a baby), then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to date him. And if she would be bothered by it but she's not a super integral part of your life to a point you would rather see how things play out with the ex than remain in contact with the friend, go for it.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I think the answer to your question ultimately lies in two things: 1) how will the ex/friend feel about it? 2) how much do you value your friendship with his ex? If she doesn't care (which I'm assuming would be the case since she's moved on and had a baby), then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to date him. And if she would be bothered by it but she's not a super integral part of your life to a point you would rather see how things play out with the ex than remain in contact with the friend, go for it. Well, she's been married a couple years now, and since getting married I haven't really seen or heard from her till recently, so our friendship isn't a close one, or one that'd I'd worry too much about if it was gone. I just, don't want her (or anyone else) to assume that something went down while they were together back in high school. Plus, I know that there is a "girl code" to follow, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (no matter how moved on they may be) by dating their ex, ya know? And that's my only worry and what's keeping me from even contacting him right now.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 If it's seriously bugging you that much, why don't you just ask your friend? What's the worse that could happen?
Author Lilmisus Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 If it's seriously bugging you that much, why don't you just ask your friend? What's the worse that could happen? I wouldn't call this "bugging me" I would call it curiosity. I'm just curious if he would be considered a "no - no" zone. I'm not about to ask her something when nothing is going on between him and I though, I just have a tiny crush.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I wouldn't call this "bugging me" I would call it curiosity. I'm just curious if he would be considered a "no - no" zone. I'm not about to ask her something when nothing is going on between him and I though, I just have a tiny crush. In that case Lil, I don't think anyone on LS can really give you a useful answer. I personally don't see anything wrong with it since your friend has moved on with her life and started a family...but what do I know? It is really up to your friend to be hurt, I guess. I dunno, if you're interested, you might as well talk to him and see where it leads. If it's just a little crush...eh. Is this "Sis Code" anything like the Bro Code?
FinOuch Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 Well, she's been married a couple years now, and since getting married I haven't really seen or heard from her till recently, so our friendship isn't a close one, or one that'd I'd worry too much about if it was gone. I just, don't want her (or anyone else) to assume that something went down while they were together back in high school. Plus, I know that there is a "girl code" to follow, and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings (no matter how moved on they may be) by dating their ex, ya know? And that's my only worry and what's keeping me from even contacting him right now. Personally I see nothing wrong with getting involved with the guy. They dated a number of years ago, and obviously she's moved on with her life. I seriously doubt after marriage and a baby on the way that she's going to be all that concerned with her high school relationship.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Not a good idea. Find someone instead of going after her exes. How disrespectful. If I had someone like this as a "friend," I'd cut him off after I punch his lights out. This is what I'm worried about, and this is why I pretty much decided not to message or anything him. If I talk to him in the future, then maybe I'd consider it, but I'm not going to go after him starting something. I think friend's ex's are just too touchy of a subject for too many people And to others - I'm not so sure how over him she really is. Yeah she's married with a daughter on the way, but she was so crazy over him, that it's hard to even imagine her not being totally head over heels for him still.
Hot Chick Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I think it's fine to date him. Your friend has moved away to another state and is having a baby. It's not his baby, is it? If it is, that could be a problem, but you didn't mention that so I don't think that is the case. She has moved on with her life and she has moved past her high school romance, as has her ex, the guy you are interested in. I assume she is either married or in a relationship with the baby's father, but maybe not...either way, she has moved forward in life in another state and dating her ex is not an issue. However, I agree that you have initiated somewhat of an interest in him already by sending out a friend request to him on Facebook. I think now the ball is in his court. Sounds like a bit of flirting has occurred, and if he is interested, he will go for it. If not, he will simply remain a Facebook friend who you might occasionally see at parties. I am with D-Lish's opinion that he will move mountains and make it happen if he is interested in you.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 I think it's fine to date him. Your friend has moved away to another state and is having a baby. It's not his baby, is it? If it is, that could be a problem, but you didn't mention that so I don't think that is the case. She has moved on with her life and she has moved past her high school romance, as has her ex, the guy you are interested in. I assume she is either married or in a relationship with the baby's father, but maybe not...either way, she has moved forward in life in another state and dating her ex is not an issue. However, I agree that you have initiated somewhat of an interest in him already by sending out a friend request to him on Facebook. I think now the ball is in his court. Sounds like a bit of flirting has occurred, and if he is interested, he will go for it. If not, he will simply remain a Facebook friend who you might occasionally see at parties. I am with D-Lish's opinion that he will move mountains and make it happen if he is interested in you. Well, I sent him a request two days before the party, and over the years, my crush definitely died. I was sending him the request to be simply friendly and since I sent one to the 20 other people who were apart of my "friends you may know" list or whatever. It wasn't till last night that I regained interest in him. I actually thought things might be a little awkward at first due to the request that he accepted just the day before. I think he was a little too drunk to care though. If he does decide to move mountains for me, or to show any interest, then I think I might strongly consider it. But, it has been nice to play with the idea of "what if.." with this guy again. I remember having a crush on him before I even met him my sophomore year and just as my junior year went on, the crush just got stronger, but I never once considered acting it or even spoke of it. Only now I have considered anything But yes, it's her husband's daughter. There is zero chance it's her ex's.
Star Gazer Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 that said, you know he's single, so he's fair game. don't see why not? Just because someone's single, doesn't mean they're necessarily fair game, where friends are concerned. I doubt this friend would care, seeing as she's preggo and sounds like she's moved on romantically... but I'd run it by the friend FIRST before even considering dating him.
grkBoy Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I'm just wondering...would it be a terrible idea to think of getting involved with him? He's single right now and though he's moved around a lot the past couple years, he's planning on staying here for a while longer if he can get an acting gig. Or would this just be a bad thing to do considering my friend, therefore making him off limits? (Note: I just have a crush on him, and thinking about starting something..you know, send him a message on Facebook or something and go from there.) I think you should reach out to your friend and tell her what's happened and how you feel. Maybe they just didn't last out of maturity but no one was "wronged", or you might find out some horrible red flag, like he's a playa or cheated or something. You can't guess. Talk to your friend and ask her if she would have any issue with you dating her ex. What do you have to lose? NOW...if she's all insecure and simply does not want you dating him because she might be alone and/or simply holds immature grudges, then it's up to you. I had a friend (no longer my friend) who would deeply hate any woman who rejected him. When one woman rejected his advances because she had a crush on me, he tried to "forbid" me from seeing her. I told him to grow up and deal with it. He and I are no longer friends not because of that incident, but other drama he did. Still, I could tell he's the type who only cared about himself, and yes wanted everyone to pander to him first and foremost. In the meantime, talk to your friend, lay it all out there, find out what she's feeling on it all, and go from there. Unless he "wronged" her in some horrible fashion, she's not being much of a friend if she gave you flack for dating a guy she's not into anymore and didn't have drama with.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 I think you should reach out to your friend and tell her what's happened and how you feel. Maybe they just didn't last out of maturity but no one was "wronged", or you might find out some horrible red flag, like he's a playa or cheated or something. You can't guess. Talk to your friend and ask her if she would have any issue with you dating her ex. What do you have to lose? NOW...if she's all insecure and simply does not want you dating him because she might be alone and/or simply holds immature grudges, then it's up to you. I had a friend (no longer my friend) who would deeply hate any woman who rejected him. When one woman rejected his advances because she had a crush on me, he tried to "forbid" me from seeing her. I told him to grow up and deal with it. He and I are no longer friends not because of that incident, but other drama he did. Still, I could tell he's the type who only cared about himself, and yes wanted everyone to pander to him first and foremost. In the meantime, talk to your friend, lay it all out there, find out what she's feeling on it all, and go from there. Unless he "wronged" her in some horrible fashion, she's not being much of a friend if she gave you flack for dating a guy she's not into anymore and didn't have drama with. I think another part of the reason that I'm not actively trying to get in touch with him again is the fact that I know that although he didn't cheat on her, he has cheated on other girls before...with her (and she cheated on guys with him). I remember one time when they broke up, and he got a new girlfriend (who was really, really sweet and good for him it seemed) she was a crazy jealous ex and tried to get him back. One day (at least), she succeeded in making him cheat on his then current girlfriend, and bragged about in in the hallway the next day (where the other girl was walking by) of how she "had sex with her ex five times the night before, it was amazing, and he didn't care about his new girlfriend at all." It was probably one of the most immature things I had ever seen, but it made him and his then girlfriend break up, and him go back to her..for a while. It's because of stories like this that make me so concerned that she may have a problem with it and that dating him might be a problem itself, ya know?
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