Hot Chick Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 If you have started to see someone who you realize is a heavy drinker, do you tell them? I am talking at the very least 5 or more drinks in one sitting, including a couple of glasses of wine and some vodka straights....EVERY single time, and yes, I had to get in the car with him to go home. And if he drank heavily even when you were hanging out at his house.....in fact there is not a time you can think of where alcohol wasn't a big part of the picture....do you think it's important the guy realizes his drinking is a problem? I know I can just not see him, but doesn't he deserve to know what the problem is (he's a heavy drinker/probably alcoholic?) I mean if I were a heavy drinker/probable alcoholic, I would want to know so I can smell the coffee and get help.
OliveOyl Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) I wouldn't date a guy who drank like this. Deal-breaker. I might mention the drinking as a reason for moving on, but I wouldn't try to "fix" them. Edited July 13, 2011 by OliveOyl
Star Gazer Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 The guy knows he's a heavy drinker. Telling him isn't going to cause an epiphany. And you didn't HAVE to get in the car to go home with him. You NEVER have to. I actually think it's shameful that you even let him drive, with or without you in the car.
D-Lish Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 If you have started to see someone who you realize is a heavy drinker, do you tell them? I am talking at the very least 5 or more drinks in one sitting, including a couple of glasses of wine and some vodka straights....EVERY single time, and yes, I had to get in the car with him to go home. And if he drank heavily even when you were hanging out at his house.....in fact there is not a time you can think of where alcohol wasn't a big part of the picture....do you think it's important the guy realizes his drinking is a problem? I know I can just not see him, but doesn't he deserve to know what the problem is (he's a heavy drinker/probably alcoholic?) I mean if I were a heavy drinker/probable alcoholic, I would want to know so I can smell the coffee and get help. He already knows.... Don't get into a car with a person that has been drinking....ever. Pretty big red flag.
Author Hot Chick Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Yes I felt bad about that but he had to drive an hour and a half home.....and I had to get home....you are right though.
thatone Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 my personal rule of thumb is, i'll have two drinks on a dinner date, before the meal, and just water thereafter (and generally a coke or something with caffeine before we leave to make sure i'm not the least bit drowsy or anything). anything more than that is excessive, imo.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 This guy has it bad, so you're probably not going to penetrate his thick skull by "calling him out on it". You can certainly try and I wish you well but more often than not a person who romances alcohol will defend his "friend" rather than wake the hell up. He apparently doesn't think he has a serious problem because from what you say, he just keeps drinking and isn't remorseful about it. If you leave him, make sure he knows that his drinking and belligerence about it were the cause. Good luck.
HappyPanda Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Wow. That is most certainly excessive. It definitely seems he's an alcoholic, at the VERY least a problem drinker. It seems like you do kind of like him, so if you arent ready to run for the hills quite yet... Maybe you should suggest that the two of you go out to a place that doesnt serve any alcohol, like the theater, or mini golf, or a cafe, or something, and see how he acts... If he cant do it, or refuses to, then there's your answer. If he does, reinforce the behavior by saying how much fun you had being clear headed with him. How long have you been seeing him? Has he ever been sober around you? If you're ready to cut it off with this guy (and I dont think anyone would blame you) I think you should tell him why. "You seem like a great guy in all other respects, but to be completely honest, the amount you drink worries me, and I think you need to get help for that before you can be in a successful relationship with me or anyone" Like everyone else said, Im positive that this guy knows he has a dependency on alcohol... but everyone's rock bottom comes at a different time... Maybe realizing that his behavior is unacceptable to the majority of women he would be interested in (namely you) will light a fire under his ass to seek help. Alcohol's a helluva drug
Author Hot Chick Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Thank you. I have not seen him nor had contact with him for a week and a half (he lives a ways away and I blocked him from my phone service after receiving texts and a voicemail after our last date.) I decided that I am going to leave it as it is. Since he is in his 40's he probably does know that he has a problem and it probably has negatively affected his relationships and past marriage.... Thanks! all is good! After reading the responses, I don't know if it is my place after seeing him for a month and a half to confront him in any way about his drinking....
sumdude Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I think it would have been simple and fair enough to say to him that his amount of drinking was something that you weren't interested in being around and left it at that. Not your job to rescue him or judge him.
Audrina Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 For a long time I dated a guy like that and I was miserable. At the end of our relationship I called him out on it, and he said he drank all the time because he was sad. There was nothing I could do to stop him, or help him, he had to want to help himself which he didn't. During the course of the relationship I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from him, and it could have been the alcohol talking, but it doesn't change the damage that was done to me as a result. Sometimes he would abandon me places for hours on end and he made me cry every night. Never again will I date someone who drinks heavily. In the end, I'm glad I said something to him, even though he didn't change, at least he knew it was a problem. If you're going to leave him because of his drinking you should say something to him like: "You know, you drink a lot and for that reason we can't be together." He may not think or be an alcoholic, he may get very defensive, but at least you told him why you're not interested and he can choose to think about that, and his drinking, or not. But stay away.
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Here's the key: in fact there is not a time you can think of where alcohol wasn't a big part of the picture I've had female friends and a couple of love interests who were/are alcoholics. Their path is their own. Getting too involved can be toxic. Better to leave support and treatment to professionals, IMO. If circumstances dictate continued contact (like say shared children), then get assistance from AlAnon. I recall one friend (my bmf's daughter) recently telling me she wanted to cut back on her drinking. I told her I'd gladly support her and asked what I could do. She had a lot of buried 'stuff' that she drank to keep from overwhelming her. I suggested counseling and told her I'd be there to listen but not to drink. I'd only 'intervene' if there were dangers to self or others involved. People of sound body and mind need to own their choices, even if self-destructive. Somehow, so far, every last one of them has gotten through. They manage. Miracle of life.
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