spacebound Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) Hey everyone, I've lurked on this site and decided to register to create a coping log, as I've seen others doing. Yes, I'm trying to move forward from a break up. I don't feel like going into the gory details, but my ex is messed up emotionally and told me he can't be in a relationship right now even though he "really likes me". Unfortunately he also said he wants to get back with me after he figures himself out, so I'm left to pick up the pieces while he does that, whatever that is, while trying to accept that I may not actually speak to him again. We had ended it ok, I guess. I didn't lash out, was upset but agreed to let him go. But after a day of us not talking (when I had more time to think) I felt upset and sent a text outlining some things that he needs to change if he is to ever be in a loving relationship. I said a bunch of stuff in the text and ended it with, "I've figured out what it means for you to not love me, and I'm glad to stay away from you. Bye, and please don't respond to this message." Honestly I knew he wouldn't respond anyway, but I just said "don't respond" so that I could feel in control. lol... I've been walking around like an empty shell. One day of NC down, today is day two. Even though I'm still healing big time, later today I'm going out with a guy I met online. It surely may be a pathetic attempt to get away from thinking of my ex, but I honestly don't care. I want to see if I can put my attention into other things and people. If I start something with this guy I'll be sure to let him know that we'll just "see how it goes" and that I don't know how it will turn out... so just keep it light. I definitely don't want to hurt anyone. Thanks all for being around - can't tell you how great it is to have people to vent to. So begins this journey... P.s. My screen name comes from Eminem's song with the same title. I used to listen to it a lot the first few months my ex and I got together, so it means something for me... takes me straight back to a field on a sunny day, art, fun, other random stuff that reminds me of him that I shouldn't think about now but don't want to stop myself from ****ing thinking about. [Verse 1:] We touch I feel a rush We clutch it isn't much But it's enough to make me wonder whats in store for us It's lust, it's torturous You must be a sorceress 'cause you just Did the impossible Gained my trust don't play games it'll be dangerous If you **** me over 'Cause if I get burnt imma show you what it's like to hurt 'Cause I been treated like dirt before you And love is "evol" Spell it backwards I'll show you Nobody knows me I'm cold Walk down this road all alone It's no one's fault but my own It's the path I've chosen to go Frozen as snow I show no emotion whatsoever so Don't ask me why I have no love for these mother****ing hoes Bloodsucking succubus, what the **** is up with this? I've tried in this department but I ain't had no luck with this It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be Like trying to start over I got a hole in my heart, I'm some kind of emotional rollercoaster Something I won't go on 'til you toy with my emotion, so it's over It's like an explosion every time I hold you, I wasn't joking when I told you you take my breath away You're a supernova... and I'm a [Chorus:] I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon And I'm aiming right at you Right at you 250 thousand miles on a clear night in June And I'm aiming right at you Right at you Right at you [Verse 2:] I do whatever it takes When I'm with you I get the shakes My body aches when I ain't With you I have zero strength There's no limit on how far I would go No boundaries, no lengths Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em it's never the same? You want them when they don't want you Soon as they do feelings change It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate I wasn't looking but I stumbled onto you must've been fate But so much is at stake what the **** does it take Let's cut to the chase But a door shuts in your face Promise me if I cave in and break and leave myself open That I won't be making a mistake [Chorus] [Verse 3:] So after a year and 6 months it's no longer me that you want But I love you so much it hurts Never mistreated you once I poured my heart out to you Let down my guard swear to god I'll blow my brains in your lap Lay here and die in your arms Drop to my knees and I'm pleading I'm trying to stop you from leaving You won't even listen so **** it I'm trying to stop you from breathing I put both hands on your throat I sit on top of you squeezing 'Til I snap you neck like a Popsicle stick Ain't no possible reason I could think of to let you walk up out this house And let you live Tears stream down both of my cheeks Then I let you just go and just give And before I put that gun to my temple I told you this And I would've done anything for you To show you how much I adored you But it's over now It's too late to save our love Just promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star 'cause imma [Chorus:] I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon And I'm aiming right at you Right at you 250 thousand miles on a clear night in June And I'm so lost without you Without you Without you Edited July 13, 2011 by spacebound
Author spacebound Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 Day 3 NC.... Calling it NC seems unfitting. More like day 3 of this black hole. Sorry to be so negative, but my ex was my love, my support system, and unfortunately the only person I really hung out with. I need to meet different people so that I can be emotionally healthy. I had a terrible date today.... just such a bad fit... and people don't always look like their online pictures. Ugh. Anyway, I think I might try to join a couple groups at school. Maybe some sport and a Christian group that I heard does different stuff. My life is a hazy mess at the moment. I have things looming that I need to do and remember, but it's been hard to get myself together enough mentally. I'm making a promise to myself that today I will finally create a master to-do list with everything that I need to get done. I'm glad I have my meeting today with my therapist... I need it a lot about now.
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