HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I think I'm over my ex. thoughts of her being with another man, or to be specific my ex-best friend don't bother me. pictures of her don't bother me, memories with her don't bother me, nothing about her really bothers me now. I admit that she crosses my mind a few times per day but it's usually just a memory we share and other times it's me questioning how she could go against all of her morals and become what she is now. Those thoughts last maybe a few minutes max and then I'm thinking about my day and what I'm doing. Now this is where I'm confused... earlier today I took my cousin to a small store down the road from my house so he could get a drink. I see her with her new guy (he on his fourwheeler, she leaning against her car) near the store. I know they saw me because they stared at me as I drove by, I noticed them in the corner of my eye and continued talking with my cousin. Now seeing her didn't bother me, more shocked than anything because I didn't expect to see her in my hometown (she lives about 40 minutes from my house). Now, I have her constantly in my thoughts. I'm not hurt by any means and do not want her back. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I can form the thoughts in writing. I know she's there but I'm not thinking about any specific thing about her, she's just there and I don't know why.:confused: Anyone ever experience this before? I haven't read/heard anything about anything like this.
stray Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I have definitely experienced that. I live in a very large city now (Los Angeles), but during and after my longest relationship, I lived in a very small town where I would occasionally, purely incidentally have to drive past him. And yes, even if I felt 'over it' at that time, some feelings would come back, or at least I would just think 'of him' for several hours to two days afterwards. I think it's because, after a while of not seeing someone, their image starts to fade from our memory, or logic tells us that person we 'remember' no longer exists. On some subconscious level, we kind of determine the person is no longer 'real' to us, they're no longer in our reality. But then when we see them, it's a little shocking; we're jarred into a reality where they DO exist, and we get a new image of them, a more recent one in our minds. I hope this all makes sense. But, again, the image will fade - much more quickly this time since you have already processed that you're no longer together. In some ways I think it's better to see that person (via incident) now and again - you prove to yourself you can handle it, and over time you realize you definitely do not want to get back with them. The rose colored glasses come off. In any case, yes it's normal, and yes it's part of the normal process (from my experience).
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I have definitely experienced that. I live in a very large city now (Los Angeles), but during and after my longest relationship, I lived in a very small town where I would occasionally, purely incidentally have to drive past him. And yes, even if I felt 'over it' at that time, some feelings would come back, or at least I would just think 'of him' for several hours to two days afterwards. I think it's because, after a while of not seeing someone, their image starts to fade from our memory, or logic tells us that person we 'remember' no longer exists. On some subconscious level, we kind of determine the person is no longer 'real' to us, they're no longer in our reality. But then when we see them, it's a little shocking; we're jarred into a reality where they DO exist, and we get a new image of them, a more recent one in our minds. I hope this all makes sense. But, again, the image will fade - much more quickly this time since you have already processed that you're no longer together. In some ways I think it's better to see that person (via incident) now and again - you prove to yourself you can handle it, and over time you realize you definitely do not want to get back with them. The rose colored glasses come off. In any case, yes it's normal, and yes it's part of the normal process (from my experience). Thank you for the reassurance, everything you said makes sense and I feel fully describes why she is in my thoughts. the best way I can describe these thoughts is kind of indifferent thoughts if that makes sense, obviously they're not indifferent because she wouldn't be in my mind but I'm not sparked by any emotion... she's just there. I think you are right about getting an updated image of who they are though. I didn't even feel attracted to her when I saw her, which is nice .
0hpenelope Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Yeah this has happened to me. For me, I just exhaust myself from fantasizing/wondering/wishing/hoping before getting to the "Forget this" phase. Once I reach that phase with anyone, it's really hard to get me to care at all again because I've burned myself out from all feelings. It's like being on a roller coaster for 5 minutes too long that once I get off (and vomiting on everyone nearby ), it's hard to convince me to ride the roller coaster again. So even when I see them again, an ex or a friend who has deeply hurt me, I'm unmoved. No thoughts of fondness or anger, no wishes of fortune or bad luck on them. I really don't care.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Yeah this has happened to me. For me, I just exhaust myself from fantasizing/wondering/wishing/hoping before getting to the "Forget this" phase. Once I reach that phase with anyone, it's really hard to get me to care at all again because I've burned myself out from all feelings. It's like being on a roller coaster for 5 minutes too long that once I get off (and vomiting on everyone nearby ), it's hard to convince me to ride the roller coaster again. So even when I see them again, an ex or a friend who has deeply hurt me, I'm unmoved. No thoughts of fondness or anger, no wishes of fortune or bad luck on them. I really don't care. I'm the same way. That is why it took me so long to actually fall in love with my most current ex. We were together for 3 years. It took me damn close to 2 years to actually begin to fall in love with her. I did like her quite a fair amount up until that point. But, due to prior relationships and how those ended as well as the fact that she was young and I knew that as soon as I opened my heart to her, she's rip it out and stomp on it, it took me a good while to actually care on that level. Then, as I had foreshadowed, she rips my heart out and stomps on it a year later. Had I known, I wouldn't have even bothered.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 BTW, Heart... Didn't you say that you were talking to another girl for a minute there? I'm curious. what ever happened with her?
PelicanPete Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 It's just a case of breaking a habit at this point. Even though you may not care about them or want to be with them, you are still breaking the perception of thinking about them. Seeing her in person triggered a different response then how you have been conditioning yourself to think since after the breakup. All it does is take time. Humans are walking bundles of habit and rely on forming habits to survive. You will conquer that habit of thinking of her faster if you develop a new habit in its place rather then waiting for it to fizzle out on its own. As long as you are aware you aren't thinking of her out of affection, you'll be fine
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 BTW, Heart... Didn't you say that you were talking to another girl for a minute there? I'm curious. what ever happened with her? yeah I was up until the 4th, I think she went on vacation because I went to her work 3 times last week and she wasn't there. I'll either pay another visit in the morning or tomorrow and I'll update my other thread about that after haha. I guess the only update I have about my 3 visits would be the first time. I walked in and all of her work friends stared at me for a bit. hoping this is not a coincidence and maybe she's been talking to them about me .
TheHurtProcess Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 yeah I was up until the 4th, I think she went on vacation because I went to her work 3 times last week and she wasn't there. I'll either pay another visit in the morning or tomorrow and I'll update my other thread about that after haha. I guess the only update I have about my 3 visits would be the first time. I walked in and all of her work friends stared at me for a bit. hoping this is not a coincidence and maybe she's been talking to them about me . Well, it's good to know that you didn't get outright rejected or anything. I was sort of afraid to ask, because I wasn't sure if something happened and you just didn't want to talk about it. I figured you'd update your other thread eventually. I seriously hope that works out bro.
thelovingkind Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I haven't experienced this, but it sounds like you and me are at exactly the same stage of moving on and if I did see my ex this is exactly how I'd imagine I would feel... he would no doubt be on my mind for the rest of the day, but in a nondescript manner, without the stabby discomfort and panic attacks I would have experienced seeing him 4 or 5 weeks ago.
Movingthrough Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 This all sounds like a good sign to me. Its bascially having thoughts about her minus the crazy emotions that come with it. I would concentrate on the fact that you are doing so well and make sure to tell yourself that. I dont care if you take yourself out for a drink, make sure to focus on the fact that you are at a point where you can be cool about it. Congrats.
Author HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Well, it's good to know that you didn't get outright rejected or anything. I was sort of afraid to ask, because I wasn't sure if something happened and you just didn't want to talk about it. I figured you'd update your other thread eventually. I seriously hope that works out bro. I hope it works out to, but even if I do get rejected I'll be sure to post that in my other thread. From what I've been hearing from everyone else I'm not sure I could get rejected from this girl lol, but even if I do I think there is a potential friendship there somewhere. I haven't experienced this, but it sounds like you and me are at exactly the same stage of moving on and if I did see my ex this is exactly how I'd imagine I would feel... he would no doubt be on my mind for the rest of the day, but in a nondescript manner, without the stabby discomfort and panic attacks I would have experienced seeing him 4 or 5 weeks ago. The last time I saw her in person was about 5 weeks ago. When I saw her then it did bring back some of the painful emotions and I did think about her constantly but I was thinking about specific things and questioning if there was still a chance (even though I didn't want her back then). This all sounds like a good sign to me. Its bascially having thoughts about her minus the crazy emotions that come with it. I would concentrate on the fact that you are doing so well and make sure to tell yourself that. I dont care if you take yourself out for a drink, make sure to focus on the fact that you are at a point where you can be cool about it. Congrats. Thank you, your words mean a lot. when I first realized that she was flooding my thoughts after I saw her I questioned myself as to whether I am really healing or not. After all of the feed back I'm getting on this there is no question in my mind as to whether I'm healing, I think I'm pretty well there already. I'm thinking she's not healing so much though... a mutual friend asked if I had contact with my ex late last night and when I questioned him on why he was asking he said she posted something on facebook. I'm not sure what she posted but apparently she posts something on there every time we have contact (which so far, has been her initiating it every time). Guess I'm winning the race in healing lol.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 I'm thinking she's not healing so much though... a mutual friend asked if I had contact with my ex late last night and when I questioned him on why he was asking he said she posted something on facebook. I'm not sure what she posted but apparently she posts something on there every time we have contact (which so far, has been her initiating it every time). Guess I'm winning the race in healing lol. That's good to hear bro. I'm glad. I just hope to be at that point soon. I just want her out of my thoughts for good and if she does pop in for a visit her or there, I don't want to have any feelings whatsoever.
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