Starvin4Perfection Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Hey All, Here's a short jist of my relationship. I've been dating this guy for over a year and we have a great relationship. We get along really well and have so much in common. I'm 26, he just turned 28 and the big difference between us is that I've been in several serious relationships and have been married before; him on the other hand, I'm the first person he's been in love with... his previous relationships span 3 to 6 months. He's been a bit of a commitment-phobe but after a while he came around. So we're used to our time away from each other with our busy schedules, but about 2 months ago he got his dream job at Skywest (he's a pilot). He ended up getting based about 2.5 hours from me and works reserves so he has to be down there those 4 days. He has a crash pad down there and stays with me on his off days... unfortunately those are usually on my work days. So anyway, there's been SOOOO much going on in my life in all aspects from my car to my family and some work. He's been stressed with the move as well. We don't like the move and of course I would rather he was home, but it's only half the week and I can live with that. Here's the problem... all this stress has taken its toll on our relationship and we seem to keep getting into stupid little arguments. I'm a psych major with a concentration in imago therapy (relationship therapy). So about a week ago he found out that I still talk to this guy I dated for a couple months before him... no real relationship. Ok rewind for a second. This was not an ex, just someone I was seeing for a little bit... so about 6 months into my relationship with my bf, the guy sends me am IM to tell me happy bday; we started chatting online after that (the bf knew and said he thought it was weird and flipped once when I mentioned maybe meeting up). Neither of us have feelings for each other at all and we don't hang out... he's dating someone in fact. Ok now back to last week... my bf is on my computer yelping a restaurant while I'm getting dressed and I get an IM from the guy saying "Hey"... that's all! The bf flips the hell out and is being awkward all night. About 20 minutes into dinner I told him I knew he was upset, I know why, so just to talk to me. He tells me he thinks it's weird and awkward and why am I talking to someone I slept with... we've been talking the whole relationship (not true) and all the time... he would never do that to me... and so on and so forth. I was really understanding with him, didn't try to justify it cuz if it makes him uncomfortable, I get that... so I deleted the guy from my chat and the bf knows that. So the next day he leaves to go back to base and doesn't talk to me all day. The next day we went back and forth all day about how it's weird... I hurt him... he's really depressed... he's never felt this depressed about a girl before... he wants it to feel better... I don't compromise... maybe it's too hard... I just want to travel... you won't let me travel... I'm hurt... and on and on for two freaking days!!! I was compassionate and understanding because I've been taught that people get upset about fears they have so the fear of being gone a lot and the idea that I could cheat and he'd be hurt... that's the jist of that so the theoretical idea is the fight or flight... flight in his case. So by the 4th day of dealing with this... I totally lost my patience!!! I ended up driving to his reserve base (happened to be 45 mins from my place) and as soon as he sees me, everything is fine and he's happy??? I genuinely thought by that point that he was looking for an out maybe or wanted me to leave him... he says he never wanted to break up but thought I was gonna break up with him? Now he's totally fine, been back to normal and uncommitment-phobey. I just feel so on edge lately and kind of anxious though... through the whole month kind of. I don't want to break up, he says he doesn't either and keeps talking about future stuff... I just want to stop feeling awkward and I'm not sure how to stop it... help! Sorry this was so long!
creighton0123 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 It sounds to me that there are some underlying emotional conflicts between the two of you. He's using anything as an excuse to express frustration/anger/pain/etc. etc. The only thing that can be done is to communicate with him in a calm and respectful manner and to kick up your relationship a bit in the way of mature discussion and acceptance/loving of both the good and bad things about one another. As long as the chemistry between the two of you remains intact and there is no physical, verbal, or emotional abuse going on, I would say that the answer to fight or flight is always fight.
Author Starvin4Perfection Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Thanks for the reply creighton. I'm sure there's some insecurities going on, especially during the time he's away cuz we're always fine when we're together. It's weird that he got so upset about this situation though because he hasn't gotten upset at me too many times. He later said he should have told me that he was bothered I talked to the guy when it happened the first time. I think he just has a really hard time feeling vulnerable, so when he does, he gets upset... very upset! I'm trying to work on our dialoguing and communication so we can clear the air on some of these thinks... not good to do if it's not face to face though! I mean we care a lot about each other and that's really apparent that no one really wants to be without the other, we just need to communicate more effectively, you're right. Thanks so much for the response!
creighton0123 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 He is correct. He should have come to you sooner. In a long distance relationship, one can't afford to sit on problems for all that long. When he does something that bothers you, you should think about it, call him back, and explain how you're feeling, why you believe you're feeling the way you are, and how the two of you can come to a compromise/work out your negative feelings. Hell, you should even do that for positive feelings as well. You can't thank one another with hugs/kisses/sex. You must, therefore, fill the void with words.
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