lonelynyc Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 After receiving a random call from her last night about some trivial stuff (unrelated to the demise of our relationship) I get some trivial texts from my ex tonight, then a call. She proceeds to tell me during the call that I'm going to learn from my mistakes (cheated on her 2 years ago at the start of our relationship, and she never forgave me, leading to the breakup 8 days ago). She then tells me that I'm never going to have her again, which she has told me at least 6 times since Saturday. I mean what the ****?!?! Is she going to keep calling to remind me how much I screwed everything up? Losing the love of my life has been incredibly painful, and this is just making it worse. We hang up, and 15 minutes later she calls me to tell me she needs a foot-rub, which I used to do for her all the time. Is she really this cold ice queen who can shatter my hopes of ever getting her back only to call me a few minutes later to tantalize with things we used to do when we were intimate? Or does this sort of erratic back-and-forth behavior speak to the possibility, if ever so slight, that she isn't as sure about never taking me back as she would like it to seem?
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Easy answer, change your phone number... Do not go back to her... Shes showing her true colors. Shes trying to validate the breakup to herself by torturing you and get you to do something that pisses her off so she can validate it in her mind and ease the guilt. The best thing to do is go NO CONTACT and I am serious about NO CONTACT. Even if she comes running back to you and says Im so sorry for breaking up with you, I'd stay away after what you posted. She's going to resent you still and break up with you again over something trivial and use the past relationship as well. Honestly its best to move on from this
HeartOfAPhoenix Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I have to agree with wilsonx here, I said I would ride it out to see where it goes and what she is doing shows you where things are headed. Go NC and walk away knowing that you have done everything you possibly could to save the relationship.
Author lonelynyc Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) I have to agree with wilsonx here, I said I would ride it out to see where it goes and what she is doing shows you where things are headed. Go NC and walk away knowing that you have done everything you possibly could to save the relationship. I don't know what's wrong with me... I feel like I just can't let go, like I want to hold onto whatever I can for dear life. She doesn't want to be with me because she thinks the worst thing a guy could do is cheat... Yeah, it's horrible, but many guys will cheat and never own up to it, continue to do it forever, and also mistreat a girl. I mean she hadn't been in many serious relationships before me. I think she has an overly idealistic notion of love and relationships. People **** up, and if they're worth it, they improve. We were happy for a year. I think she was looking for reasons to be unhappy, letting other things going on in her life convince her that her relationship with me was stunting her growth or impeding her happiness. Edited July 13, 2011 by lonelynyc
TheHurtProcess Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I'm going to agree with both of these wise gentlemen here. She's obviously never going to let the mistake go. You made the mistake two years ago. She should have forgiven you a long time ago. Why would she even consider staying with you and wasting your time if she wasn't going to be able to get over something that happened that long ago, at the beginning of your relationship? That just boggles my mind. Most professional counselors will tell a person that you have to leave the past in the past in order to move on to a healthy future. If she can't do that, then it's time for you to pack your bags and run. If she's going to do this now, after two years, who's to say that she's not going to do it again three months from now, then six, then a year, then two years and so on and so forth. She is just out to get you bro. Leave her be, move on and heal my friend.
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I don't know what's wrong with me... I feel like I just can't let go, like I want to hold onto whatever I can for dear life. She doesn't want to be with me because she thinks the worst thing a guy could do is cheat... Yeah, it's horrible, but many guys will cheat and never own up to it, continue to do it forever, and also mistreat a girl. I mean she hadn't been in many serious relationships before me. I think she has an overly idealistic notion of love and relationships. People **** up, and if they're worth it, they improve. We were happy for a year. I think she was looking for reasons to be unhappy, letting other things going on in her life convince her that her relationship with me was stunting her growth or impeding her happiness. This could be true to about idealistic notions of what and relationships should be like... all the more reason to let her go. In the end its about protecting yourself. When you let her go, she can't hurt you anymore then she has. You have a strong emotional attachment to her and thats going to take time to break. Its like an addictive drug and there will be withdrawal pains that last for months. The best remedy for it is to go NC and stick with it. Dont hurt yourself or feel bad for yourself if you cant do it the first second of even 15th time. Just keep trying and eventually it will stick. The sooner you get it done the better though. It took me about 3 weeks to finally stick it. You can even tell her look, we can't talk anymore. We both have to move on and right now we can't be friends. Who knows what the future may hold though. Once its said you have to stick to it though so when you think you can finally stick to it, say it and then do it
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 By saying this to her you now have full control of yourself back and your life. The purpose of breaking the emotional attachment is to see if you really really want to ever get back with her. Once that attachment is gone, you might see that the relationship was crap and you dont want to go back to it. But what I told you to type actually gives you a chance at reconciliation down the line if thats what she wants and what you choose to do months later after you have detached from her emotionally and see its something that you want to consider to do
TheHurtProcess Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 By saying this to her you now have full control of yourself back and your life. The purpose of breaking the emotional attachment is to see if you really really want to ever get back with her. Once that attachment is gone, you might see that the relationship was crap and you dont want to go back to it. But what I told you to type actually gives you a chance at reconciliation down the line if thats what she wants and what you choose to do months later after you have detached from her emotionally and see its something that you want to consider to do I totally agree. I'm beginning to see how crappy my relationship really was and I was more or less in love with being in love and more scared than anything of being alone again. But, now that I'm adapting and the attachment is slowly but surely disintegrating, I'm starting to see my relationship from a totally different prospective. It's no wonder why so many people as well as friends hated my ex, hahaha.
bikinibeach Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I don't know what's wrong with me... I feel like I just can't let go, like I want to hold onto whatever I can for dear life. She doesn't want to be with me because she thinks the worst thing a guy could do is cheat... Yeah, it's horrible, but many guys will cheat and never own up to it, continue to do it forever, and also mistreat a girl. I mean she hadn't been in many serious relationships before me. I think she has an overly idealistic notion of love and relationships. People **** up, and if they're worth it, they improve. We were happy for a year. I think she was looking for reasons to be unhappy, letting other things going on in her life convince her that her relationship with me was stunting her growth or impeding her happiness. listen to you rationalize this away and talk about how silly it is for her to expect the person she is with not to cheat and if they do..no big deal. SHE should be leaving you alone. you both should be leaving each other alone. its sad that you lost the love of your life, i wonder if you will actually learn from this....?
TheHurtProcess Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 listen to you rationalize this away and talk about how silly it is for her to expect the person she is with not to cheat and if they do..no big deal. SHE should be leaving you alone. you both should be leaving each other alone. its sad that you lost the love of your life, i wonder if you will actually learn from this....? I agree with this as well. I do believe that if she can't let go that she should have left a long long time ago. However, I do agree with what bikinibeach said. I don't condone infidelity whatsoever. I was cheated on a few times throughout my last relationship. I was 100% loyal. However, she continued to cheat after I forgave her the first time. This is what makes me realize that I should have just let her go after the first incident and from this day forward I will no longer accept any excuse for cheating nor will I EVER give a cheater a second chance.
Emilia Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I don't know what's wrong with me... I feel like I just can't let go, like I want to hold onto whatever I can for dear life. She doesn't want to be with me because she thinks the worst thing a guy could do is cheat... Yeah, it's horrible, but many guys will cheat and never own up to it, continue to do it forever, and also mistreat a girl. I mean she hadn't been in many serious relationships before me. I think she has an overly idealistic notion of love and relationships. People **** up, and if they're worth it, they improve. We were happy for a year. I think she was looking for reasons to be unhappy, letting other things going on in her life convince her that her relationship with me was stunting her growth or impeding her happiness. erm... no, she is just still angry with you because of your betrayal. the attitude you display in this post is 'oh well, I cheated, can't be helped, can't be helped, she should get over it'. she realised she wasted 2 years on a guy who doesn't have a backbone and she is vocalising her disappointment idealistic? no, your standards are too low when it comes to relationships
Exit Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 erm... no, she is just still angry with you because of your betrayal. the attitude you display in this post is 'oh well, I cheated, can't be helped, can't be helped, she should get over it'. she realised she wasted 2 years on a guy who doesn't have a backbone and she is vocalising her disappointment idealistic? no, your standards are too low when it comes to relationships That would be all fine and good if immediately after the incident she decided that she felt he was a waste of time. But in a relationship, when you choose to move forward with someone even after something like that has happened, you HAVE to mean it when you say you forgive them and are willing to work past it. If anyone is guilty of wasting the following 2 years, it's her, not him. No, there is no lighthearted attitude to have about cheating, it is bad, but the spotlight starts to focus a little more on her and what she did wrong, with the fact that she ended the relationship 2 years later, citing what happened in ancient history as the reason. Indeed, it was a waste of time for everyone involved, if she truly never moved past it. My relationship ended in March and my ex was bringing up things that happened between us in October of last year, and it wasn't anything like cheating on her, there was an incident where we had an argument over something stupid where she left for a party without me and I was pretty mad at her for a few days. But we worked it out, decided it was a stupid fluke, and continued our relationship. Is it fair to me to be in the same boat as "lonelynyc", that I get dumped months after the fact, because she never truly forgave me? Anyways, on to the topic at hand, this girl sounds completely messed up to call you, tell you it's over, and then call you back again to talk about something like a foot rub. I mean, even if those two phone calls happened days apart, and she was always changing between hot and cold with you, that would be silly enough, but 15 minutes apart? She sounds like she has a screw loose. She calls you, makes you feel like crap, then decides maybe she shouldn't have been quite so mean to you just in case she ever changes her mind, so she calls back and tries to entice you with intimate conversation. We can only blame her for so much of it though, if you'd like it to stop, you can go about blocking her phone number somehow. I'm in the same situation you are, my ex talks about getting back together, tells me it'll happen soon, leads me on, then goes and does something to hurt me, and I keep wanting to blame her, but I know I have the power to stop it if I really wanted to.
nana841121 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I was cheated by ex. I still cant get over him. But i know i would never get back with him. He initiated the contact every time. I stick to NC.
TheHurtProcess Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 That would be all fine and good if immediately after the incident she decided that she felt he was a waste of time. But in a relationship, when you choose to move forward with someone even after something like that has happened, you HAVE to mean it when you say you forgive them and are willing to work past it. If anyone is guilty of wasting the following 2 years, it's her, not him. No, there is no lighthearted attitude to have about cheating, it is bad, but the spotlight starts to focus a little more on her and what she did wrong, with the fact that she ended the relationship 2 years later, citing what happened in ancient history as the reason. Indeed, it was a waste of time for everyone involved, if she truly never moved past it. My relationship ended in March and my ex was bringing up things that happened between us in October of last year, and it wasn't anything like cheating on her, there was an incident where we had an argument over something stupid where she left for a party without me and I was pretty mad at her for a few days. But we worked it out, decided it was a stupid fluke, and continued our relationship. Is it fair to me to be in the same boat as "lonelynyc", that I get dumped months after the fact, because she never truly forgave me? Anyways, on to the topic at hand, this girl sounds completely messed up to call you, tell you it's over, and then call you back again to talk about something like a foot rub. I mean, even if those two phone calls happened days apart, and she was always changing between hot and cold with you, that would be silly enough, but 15 minutes apart? She sounds like she has a screw loose. She calls you, makes you feel like crap, then decides maybe she shouldn't have been quite so mean to you just in case she ever changes her mind, so she calls back and tries to entice you with intimate conversation. We can only blame her for so much of it though, if you'd like it to stop, you can go about blocking her phone number somehow. I'm in the same situation you are, my ex talks about getting back together, tells me it'll happen soon, leads me on, then goes and does something to hurt me, and I keep wanting to blame her, but I know I have the power to stop it if I really wanted to. Exactly. If you choose to forgive, forget and give a second chance, then the past needs to stay in the past, unless of course it were to happen again down the road (As in my case).
Author lonelynyc Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) Yeah, there's a lot of judgment being tossed around in this thread, a lot of people who like to think in absolutes. I'm the first one to admit I ****ed up 2 years ago. I really never expected her to want to speak to me again after I cheated. I even told her at the time that I wanted her to be happy, and would leave her alone if that's what she wanted. But no. She still loved me and wanted to be with me. We had a very functional and happy relationship for a year and a half after that. I didn't put a gun to her head, and don't give me that **** about Stockholm's Syndrome. Half of you are living in a fantasy world awash in Disney Prince Charmings. People make mistakes and have their demons that need to be addressed. I think a lot of people take advice from other people, watch movies, absorb certain mantras, and decide against letting their actual love for someone keep them with that person. Through that I was reduced to a guy who cheated (when we had been dating for 3 weeks). She forgot about all the nights I was by her side when she was going through any sort of crisis, getting tested to see if I was a kidney match for her mother (would have given one of mine up in a heartbeat), all the fun we had every weekend, the way I made her feel. Cheating is horrible, but stringing someone along for close to 2 years isn't great either. If you reduce someone to the sum of their mistakes, you'll have a lot of trouble having any sort of real compassion for anyone. I didn't deserve to keep her after cheating, but I also didn't deserve to have my heart crushed after 2 years of false promises. I'll get over it at some point (don't know when) but be careful when casting aspersions. Some of you, despite not cheating, are manipulative co-dependents that made your significant others suffer through unimaginable misery (if they truly loved you) until they cut you off. That doesn't make you a terrible person, it just makes you selfish and flawed. Don't be so quick to dismiss others. Edited July 13, 2011 by lonelynyc
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Everyone has cheated or will cheat at one point in their life, whether it be in relationships, school, work. Everyone does it. The key is not learn from the decision and not do it again like you learned. You are right about your ex, she does not care about all the times you were there for her, supported her etc etc which is why you need to focus on you moving on. Do you really want someone like this in your life. Personally, I want someone that can forgive and forget and that we can grow together, not at her pace, not at my pace. When you post in a public forum, you have to be ready and accept people's opinions no matter who they are. Not retaliate based on their opinions. They have a right to express their own opinions even if you think they are wrong because you asked for them.
Author lonelynyc Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 When you post in a public forum, you have to be ready and accept people's opinions no matter who they are. Not retaliate based on their opinions. They have a right to express their own opinions even if you think they are wrong because you asked for them. I would typically appreciate any opinion, even if it diverges from mine. But I draw the line at being called "spineless." When someone starts using my story as a proxy for what they went through, it's no longer productive for me or them. I know I have to move on at some point, I'm coming here for sound advice like yours, not personal attacks inspired by the misdeeds of others' ex-boyfriends.
Author lonelynyc Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I also agree with what someone mentioned... She's not really tormenting me, I'm the one who picks up the phone, continues to play along. A part of me wants this right now, if only to not lose her entirely. I don't know when I'll feel ready to just lose that contact altogether.
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Yea but not picking up the phone will make her call more and more at this stage of the breakup. There will be a time in the future when you do stand up for yourself because it will just hurt too bad not to. Everybody does things at their own pace
Author lonelynyc Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 This situation just gets worse and worse. I got a call at work an hour ago from my ex, which was odd considering she hasn't called me during my work day since we broke up. Anyway, she sounds bewildered, and explains to me that she just found out that she might have to pitch something to the company (specific department of that company) where the girl I cheated on her with works. To clarify, I never had sex with this other girl--not that that makes a world of difference--but we kissed and my behavior was altogether inappropriate. My ex was enraged that this girl came back into her life like this, and told me that I had jeopardized her career with all of this. She proceeds to text me, telling me that she's done with me entirely, no friendship, nothing. Then texts me back saying she was just sad, and we could still talk. I don't know who's more insane... Me or her... This emotional roller-coaster seems endless, but I don't want to get off it right now because the alternative is soul-crushing sadness and longing.
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 This emotional roller-coaster seems endless, but I don't want to get off it right now because the alternative is soul-crushing sadness and longing. You are dead wrong on this. Everytime you talk to her right now it is soul-crashing sadness and longing. You just dont see it yet. It took me 3 weeks to lock down NC because I couldn't even think straight but you have to do it. The sooner the better. Its not about your ex anymore, she is starting to make you miserable and unhappy and driving you insane. Now its time for you to end it. Are you going to miss her, yes. Are you going to want to talk to her, yes. Are you going to break NC, yes. But at least you tried to start it and better yourself. The more you start it over and over and over the easier it becomes. Right now this is you http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278306/?highlight=clown <---- Read this first post
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