lookin4answers Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 QUICK NOTE: If you read other relationship websites besides LoveShack, then you may have seen this somewhere else. Please don't waste your time helping me if it looks familiar. I'm seeking advice from several communities online Here we go: I've been dating my boyfriend for just over 6 months and I constantly bounce back and forth from really enjoying his company and feeling like I love him, to debating whether or not we are compatible and should end things. I'll do my best to keep this objective, and as short as possible. We are both males (gay), and our relationship is also somewhat "open" meaning we are aloud to be physically intimate with other guys, as long as it's safe and we talk about it. Lately we have been trying to befriend guys first to expand our social circle, and then if "fun" follows, even better! We met through mutual friends over a year ago. Became friends. Decided to become roommates and found a place together, with a third roommate. We lived together for 4 months and then we started flirting, being intimate, etc. 5 Months in we started dating. It was really nice Those memories are wonderful. I was always a bit nervous about long term compatibility, but I chose to live in the moment. I think everyone doubts their compatbility a little bit in the beginning, and I can be prone to intense bouts of critical thinking... it's been normal in all my past relationships. For living together so early on in our relationship I honestly think we manage things very well. We barely argue about household chores and have the same values about keeping a home running smoothly. He has a ton of excellent qualities and gives me a lot. He's funny, physically sexy, great in bed, very smart, and caring when I am having a rough day. I am anxiety prone, and he has held me while I am having panic attacks. He doesn't overthink my emotional reactions (I can be quite reactive). By this I mean that he simply understands that I am human and have emotions, and nothing more than that. I tend to be a very "big picture" thinker. When times are rough, this signals "doom and gloom" to me. My response is to break things off and flee. This time I am not sure if that is the right reaction because he can be so loving. With some prodding he will open up and talk about his emotions and even our potential future together. He isn't as emotional as me, but I've seen him cry, and he's told me he's scared to think too far ahead. The future terrifies him. Our problems come from a few key areas. He hates planning and has poor time management skills. He is a graduate student so I know he is busy, but I find that he often doesn't make time to plan much of anything for us to do. He says he likes to do the same activities I like (outdoors activities, the gym, rock climbing, the beach, hiking, etc.) but he fails to plan the activities. We usually default to easy tasks like videogames, or movies at home. Enjoyable, but not what I always want to be doing. With all do respect to him, we do bike to work sometimes, and gym together now. He also has adjusted to my "early bird" sleep patterns so we rise and fall on the same schedule. He openly admits he wants to be on this schedule, but that it's just a lot harder for him. He's very "in the moment" and I am VERY planned ahead... We also have a bit of a problem when it comes to the "open" part of our relationship. I admit, I am the one that started that conversation. But with all due respect to myself, he KNEW well in advance how my mind works regarding monogamy before we even laid one finger on each other. He knew back when we became roommmates and were nothing more. I stressed during our whole "courtship" that this aspect of me would not change. He tells me he is OK with it, and even now after we have a debate relating to the topic, he still reassures me that he wants non-manogamy as well. I've told him it is absolutly OK if he doesn't want non-manogomy, but he has to be honest with himself. He still says he wants it. He's also very playful as a person. He likes pranks and practical jokes. He likes play wrestling, surprising me with splashes of water when I least expect it, and can be pretty energetic. I usually get angry and upset at these instances, unless I am in a very specific, energetic mood myself... He expects me to react positively and playfully, and he doesn't get that response. I then feel guilty, and he is unsatisfied with that part of the relationship. The last issue/concern is that I am moving very soon to a new city. I am starting graduate school myself and we are going to be far apart. Last we spoke, we agreed to give the distance a shot. We plan on video chatting a lot, and planning trips to see each other frequently. We also plan on flying to cheap destinations and travelling a bit together. Both of our graduate programs provide stipends so we will have a bit of cash to live this lifestyle. He is even generous enough to help me move everything to my new location by car. I asked if he is positive that he wants to spend time and money helping me move. He reassured me that he does. The really big issues that get on my nerves are his lack of time management, because I fear it is going to destroy our relationship while I am away. I also fear being "open" while we are gone is going to damage us. I have asked him what he thinks about short term manogamy while we transition to the long distance. He told me he would think about it. The last key point: He has been VERY critical of me the past few days. Almost everything he says is a critical statement about something I did or didn't do. We have been a bit rocky lately, mainly because I have been bringing up a lot of his faults as well (not a good thing...) so I am not reacting to his critical statements. I am trying to be as loving and caring as possible in our last few weeks together before my move. He is also packing to move to a new location in our current town because our mutual lease ends. Bottom line: Am I being overanalytical, too needy, and too quiet? Should I be working with him to make things better? Enjoying our time together and keeping peace? etc? OR Should I break it off gently, love him from a distance, and let us both move on to more compatibility? I honestly think he would be blindsided... Somtimes I think my thought processes are too extreme, like this: Doom/Gloom<-------------------------------------------------------------------->Fairytale Happy When his thought processes, and many other peoples are like this: Bad Days <-------------------> Good Days After writing all of this, now I feel like I want to stick it out and give it a go with the distance, but I REALLY want as much critical, objective, out of the box feedback that I can get. Thanks a ton! Even if I am not compatible with this guy, he deserves a lot of thinking before I make this decision.
Author lookin4answers Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 This morning the BF was really critical of me, out of the blue. He snapped at me over something small. I got really angry (internally) and walked away to vent. He noticed and came to apologize. He then brought up previous incidents in the week where he thought I might have been upset. He was spot on. We began a conversation about how I have been feeling worried/sad/upset with him all week. He confessed that he was pretty oblivious. He has been feeling fine about our relationship. He says all he needs to feel happy with me is to touch me (hug, cuddle, etc.). He's the touchy-feely type. I am the verbal type. I need audible words to feel close. Sometimes I think these are strengths, because we force the other person to connect. Other times I feel too scared to speak because all he wants is touch. I worry that I am blabbing on and on, and it's annoying him. He has never confirmed those fears to make them reality. Before he left for work he asked me, "So... is there more I should be doing to help you feel closer to me?" I was very happy he asked this. I told him there are things, but that I have to think about my answer because I don't want to rush it off the top of my head. We hugged and bit and he headed out of the door. I told him I don't want him to feel bad either. I don't want him to feel emotional pain for something he was oblivious to. I DO want him to become more talkative and inquisitive, but only if he WANTS to. I don't want to change my partner, or mold him without his free will. Thoughts on this interaction? His behavior this morning showed me that he cares. That he wants to work on it... but I am also worried that he is slowly beginning to think that we are just too different... or is that my own silly fear?
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