Put an end to my ambivalence

[Jiggler]

So, to start... I’m a creative guy and I’ve been in a relationship for 9 years. She’s an amazing and kind woman with a good nature. Our friends would often refer to us as their “Benchmark” or “Ideal” in a good and functional relationship. We’re the couple that always seems perfectly suited for one another, we’re funny and share a lot of common ground. We love and respect each other completely, we support one another’s ambitions... I am not completely unhappy, nor is she. We still have fun and are still really amazing friends... Best friends. Hopefully that illustrates the relationship context...

 

At the end of last year I accepted a new job, a big jump in my career with the option to use much more of my skills and apply myself in a utilitarian way to a something I believe in, rather than apply my trade to sell something I don’t believe in. To help progress my values as an individual in a large public arena. So, this new job required that I move to a new city, 5 hours driving from where we lived together. I made the move 2 months in advance and then she transferred from her job, one location to another in the same city and moved with me. However, the position I hold now, has spells in which I am extremely busy and must apply myself for very long periods of time during each day of those busy spells. Effectively keeping me from her and leaving her alone, in a new city. And, this has happened for three times throughout the year thus far with the promise of occurring a few more times this year. So in a way, yes I feel like I have chosen a career path that will exclude her as I excel in my work. Before moving I did everything I could to make sure she was able to join me and had the resources she needed to start a new life in this city. Something I think is worth mentioning, to frame the issue that is driving me to want to want to leave her.

 

We met in University. There has been (since we graduated university) a growing dependance socially, emotionally and financially that is woven throughout our life together... About a year and a half ago we had a conversation about her taking the steps she need to take to drive her own ambitions and help balance our partnership on the road to progressing to our goals... That conversation ended and she took a few steps, and then progress halted and I spent the the time until now waiting for more resolve from her and not pushing her, or pressuring her in any way. This stagnation has been far more prominent since moving to the new city. I have the feeling that most of my friends would think I am insane. But, this issue of social, emotional and financial dependance will only grow, expand and only be worsened by the addition of marriage, or children. And, that really concerns me... I don’t want to get past these “posts” in our lives and have them only serve as earmarks for the compromise and caches of not addressing the problem.

 

A couple specific instances...

Failed to make Progress in our shared goals; In our new city, we tried adding her to the lease of our apartment. Her application was rejected, the property management run a criminal background check, a credit check and validation of an income source... It’s a Crime free property, so they’re policies are stingent... One of the things we discussed in the previous conversation was rebuilding her Credit, in lieu of my student loans and lack of any credit rating, she was more likely to be able to build on hers since it was relatively spotless... This was part of the plan of building our life together... Build up to build out. She has no criminal record, a steady income (while not high is steady) but her application was rejected. Signally to me, that no work had been done on improving her credit or what should have been a lack of. I was approved for the lease... The issue is... I pay 70% of our rent, I pay the Hydro, I pay for the internet and I pay her phone bill... A Smartphone bill, not a cheap talk & text thing... Why is this one small thing like building credit such an issue when I’ve provided the overhead room financially to make progress.

Unable to make her own decisions; the lack of debate in relation to decision making is concerning... Almost as though there’s some kind of priority she places on my choices over hers. Even simple ones, like mine; to her are more important on occasion. Debate and discussion is part of what I think we used to do well and we would riff on it and have great conversations that would turn funny or clever. It was a cool challenge and I love spirited discussion.

Dependance/moderate selfishness; her birthday recently passed, and I paid for a trip to old city to visit family and friends. I organized the trip and we had a good time. She seemed happy and vibrant, something I realized I hadn’t really seen since moving to the new city... Which I was worried might happen. She again, relied on my social skills to plan and execute everything, she relied on decision making to pick, choose and allot our time fairly to both or families and friends. And, the last part... I was low on money, having paid bills, the trip and meals... We were at a brunch with four others... The bill came and she looked directly across the table at me. Knowing I was low on cash. I paid, thinking she may not have had enough to cover it... When we got home I found out that she did have cash on her and more than enough to cover the bill.

 

I know she’s aware of the issues. I don’t think she values them the same or sees them as road blocks. I feel she is a bit more dismissive and sentimental than I am. And, how down the road they will grow and become worse. She is aware of them though. We had discussed them in the past. And, to this point they have gone unresolved. Despite the efforts that she put in to address them. I know I am at fault for being apathetic and not pressuring more, but I really did figure that it’s something she could figure out on her own... And, I trusted her to do it. And, it’s my fault for over extending my support to areas in which it shouldn’t have gone. And, her fault for not standing on her own and intervening on her own behalf. And, most recently it has highlighted the lack of partnership in these areas of our relationship. It’s making me feel more like a Guardian than a partner. Like I am responsible for her, instead of a being a support.

 

Wrapping it up now...

I keep feeling like I am being unreasonable and that my standards or expectations are too high. I have no right to end our relationship on this reasoning. I just tried telling myself that I don’t feel hurt or betrayed...

 

But I do. I feel like she could have worked harder and been stronger in addressing these issues. I feel like I’ve done enough to give her the room to grow. I’ve supported her, loved her and pushed her. And, she’s let these opportunities slip away. And, now as we age I feel like I have to leave her in order to help her. That’s not a feeling I like, I shouldn’t have to quit because she can’t keep up her end. And, I’m giving up on us and the dreams, ambitions and goals we had in order to help her see them the way she might... Because I no longer feel like I can provide her with them. And, to dismiss it, ignore it or condone the status quo of who we are right now betrays the values and regard I hold her in. I’ve wanted since we made promises to each other to see her happy. The future I see us in... I am not capable of helping that happen.

 

Any thoughts from anyone... Where are the experts?

[timchambo]

far from an expert. But I have lived a similar experience...only it ended from the other side.

 

I provided financially and supported emotionally for years (5 +/-). In the end she left me because she "wanted something else". We started off on such equal grounds. Over the years that evolved into what I described.

 

If you haven't yet, please let her know the extent of your feelings. I really question if its possible to maintain the balance/excitement that is found early in a relationship. It seems from my experience personally and when I watch others, that we all tend to pick up slack when needed.

 

In my eyes you clearly have every right to be considering leaving, but please let her know just how much these things are bothering you. Its possible she has checked out too, which lead her to neglect these things.

[Jiggler]

The conversation that we had just over a year and a half ago was a benchmark one... It was a supposed to be a catalyst. So, we have had the discussion and she is aware... I feel she doesn't think it's a big deal.

 

The relationship, outside of these issues and my personal ambivalence for better or worse is seemingly fine. I still find we're attracted to one another and are good to each other... Which is making all of this harder... The polarity in the way I see us sometimes is really strange, I'm at points asking how can give this up, because we are good together, but without the future I've been working for it seems like it's "Candy". Then a few minutes later I see the inequality and the this intolerable compromise and I'm setting dates in my mind of when I could start to end it, and how we can best separate so the damage is minimized.

[beach]

are you resenting her - for the way you participate?

 

since you seem to carry the load - burden, financially - and somewhat socially - the only one to blame is you = for participating on a level you're not happy with.

 

if you want her to become more independent - then stop doing/paying for her. every woman should learn to stand on their own two feet. helping her isn't helping her - or you - especially if it causes resentments.

 

if you allow her to grow - then she could offer her healthy self to the relationship - not her old, dependent on you self.

 

she will grow up when you stop taking care of everything for her.

 

 

are you at all emotionally/physically interested in another woman lately? be honest...

[Jiggler]

Not interested in an another woman. Not interested in dating other people in general... Right now. Maybe, down the road sure. But there is no one currently that has turned my head.

 

The issue is exactly the way I participate... However, if I weren't than we wouldn't be together. She doesn't earn enough to keep pace of self-sustain, if we were to break up, she would in all likely hood move back to our old city with her parents until she could find a way to stand on her own.

[wilsonx]

Jiggler, I read your post and I hate to say it but in the end, what you choose to do, you have to do for you and not her.

 

I think opening the lines of communication and telling her the things you posted here would be a good start. The problem is, you are being passive aggressive instead of handling a problem and making a decision the second it starts to bother you. It eats at you and it eats at you and it bothers you and its something that could be probably fixed if you communicated better. If someone doesn't know that their behavior or lack of it is bothering you, how can they improve and grow and be better person with you.

[Jiggler]

i'm gonna start talking it out. for what it's worth we deserve that.

[Jiggler]

Also, she is aware of all this... We've had these conversations before... They've spurred a little bit of direct action, then distraction and then its forgotten about. The conversation first happened in 2006, then again in 2009 and now again in 2011... These aren't easy to forget conversations either. And, right now I am being passive aggressive and looking to find ways to rationalize decisions and doing what I know is wrong... Looking for someone to tell me that I am either completely wrong or completely right.

 

I don't think passive discussion is warranted anymore... I need to take some form of action, maybe it's not ending the relationship, maybe it's passing the burdens on to her and looking away when they sour.

 

I don't know... There's a lot of minor and irksome selfishness that is still occurring and I am tired of spoiling someone because I think I it's my obligation to.

[wilsonx]

Also, she is aware of all this... We've had these conversations before... They've spurred a little bit of direct action, then distraction and then its forgotten about. The conversation first happened in 2006, then again in 2009 and now again in 2011... These aren't easy to forget conversations either. And, right now I am being passive aggressive and looking to find ways to rationalize decisions and doing what I know is wrong... Looking for someone to tell me that I am either completely wrong or completely right.

 

I don't think passive discussion is warranted anymore... I need to take some form of action, maybe it's not ending the relationship, maybe it's passing the burdens on to her and looking away when they sour.

 

I don't know... There's a lot of minor and irksome selfishness that is still occurring and I am tired of spoiling someone because I think I it's my obligation to.

 

Ok, the first bold sentence is correct. It should never be passive discussion. If its getting under your skin, it should be assertive discussion. There is something that is bothering you. Instead of saying honey, I know we talked about this 2 years ago, this really needs to be fixed. Tell her to fix it. You are responsible for leading the relationship. If nothing is being addressed in a reasonable amount of time after you assert yourself to her then you should proceed forward.

 

You should not be spoiling someone because you think its your obligation. You have to remember, you always come first. Always in any relationship. She comes a close second. As long as you are taking care of yourself first and are happy with yourself and spoiling yourself, then bring her in and share your happiness with her