Issues resolved, but confusion remains.

[faux]

I managed to sort out the issues (See this post) I was having with a certain girl. I brought up what I needed to bring up, and I made my apologies. Fortunately, she holds nothing against me, but did express how hurt she was that I just brought up those issues when I could have said a lot less about them. She did want to know, but she didn't want to know in detail. She recommended that I should not have spoken to her while drunk, but moreso said "I ought to have known not to talk to you when you were drunk, but I really don't hold it against you."

 

Thank goodness for that.

 

Things are still confusing, but I've found out the best stance to have on the situation. She is confused as to how she feels about me in certain ways. She does not want a serious relationship, as since being with her child's father she just went from relationship to relationship. She feels that when she's with someone she expects them to take care of her, and what she really wants is to get her life together, know that she can raise her son on her own, and get into college, and accomplish things for herself and discover who it is that she really is.

 

I totally relate to this, as last year I went through the same thing. I'm still bordering on many of those same feelings myself.

 

Another left hook out of nowhere is that she ended up hanging out, twice, with some guy she met online. The guy lives two blocks from her, and after they hung out last night he asked her to go out with him. I went on a whim and told her this made me nervous. I explained for some reason I was feeling a bit of jealousy, and envy because he lived so close.

 

She isn't interested in him at all in that way, and made it as clear as possible that he doesn't have a chance with her. She was understanding that I mostly felt threatened because of the drunken antics I had the other night... I thought she'd never forgive me and not want to talk to me again. I apologized that it might seem contradictory to what I said I was okay with, to which she agreed, but she really isn't looking to do anything with anyone else.

 

She's known me for years, so she's comfortable being intimate and getting a little closer to me, and going out on dates as well as we have been. She trusts me and knows me very well, so right now the arrangement of dating is fine for her, and she doesn't at this point want intimacy with anyone else. Of course, this falls more under the "f--ck" friend kind of thing, but she also explained that she's a little confused at times over how she feels.

 

Sometimes she wants to get into a more solid relationship with me, but when she enters into one she stops fending for herself and focuses on the other person. She needs to get her things done, and so do I. We established more openness in this area so that we can communicate our feelings to one another as things progress.

 

My meeting her son was not a big deal, as she spent the two days and nights hanging out with the internet guy, son included. I'll say things got a little confusing and if I'm reading her right, she's having an internal drama about me. She told me she was jealous when I spent the day with her and her son... Mostly because there were times I was focusing on him and not her. She likes attention, and I notice when I don't pick up the phone right away she can get a little desperate for that attention. If I mention hanging out with a female friend of mine she also acts a tad bit jealous sometimes.

 

She really doesn't know what she wants, and this is dangerous ground for me. I can keep walking this path, but I need to be a little more reserved in how I go about things. Communication also has to keep open, but I don't think that shall be a problem.

 

The one thing I did not get to say to her is, "I know you are not ready for a committment now, and I'm fine with what's happening at present. Down the line, however, if that should change, I might be interested in pursuing something more with you."

 

I'm going to watch this carefully. The next few times I see her I plan on just going out to a cafe with her, maybe a movie or dinner. I want to take her out in public more. She mentioned that she was bothered that I wasn't exactly introducing her to places that my friends frequent. She was getting the impression I was embarrassed by her, or didn't think she was that good looking. Again, mixed signals, as it seems she is thinking about something more, but saying something else.

 

We agreed that we like spending time alone, but that it would probably be more beneficial to get out much more than we have been. Walks in the park, in the woods, and other alone-time activities are fine, but it means a lot to her to be seen with me in public.

 

I mentioned these things to my mother, as I am closer to her than anyone else alive. My mother is the one who feels that this girl might have more liking for me than she lets on, but she's very confused. My mother is afraid that I might get hurt in this situation, so I'm going to have to use my head here.

 

Above all else, however, I respect her intentions to become more comfortable in herself and her own abilities. I would not hesitate to tone things down quite a bit to make her feel more at ease, for her and for her child. Right now, however, I'm sticking to my gut. I'm not uncomfortable yet, and hopefully I won't get uncomfortable.

 

If I smell something smoldering I am going to walk away and prevent an inferno. I know what I want, and what I am comfortable with. Now... I need to make sure that I know to discuss things with her and do what is right if I, or she, should become uncomfortable. I don't want her getting burned, and I certainly don't want any more scars.

 

I wonder if I'm all wrong here, or if anyone else can see what I am getting at. I just get this gut feeling that she's thinking more of the situation, and me, than she lets on. I don't want to put more thought into it just yet, but am curious to see what others think.

 

I value all of your opinions, and take into careful consideration everything that is said here. So far you have all been very helpful to me and I cannot thank you all enough.

[Good2Go]

Sounds like you have touched her heart in her real life but she has chosen to hide her heart in an unrealistic arena she can avoid committment to. If she is scared of her heart feelings up close, that's her problem, but now it's your problem because you care for her.

 

I'd give it to her the way I see it, but know in advance she may be unable to accept your opinion of the matter.

 

If that happens, all you can do is keep your own heart straight and realize some people are messed up. I'm not sure why that happens. They want love, but they don't. I figure they want something from someone who doesn't exist. Mr Internet fills up the fantasy part of their heart since he's not a real walking talking person. They fall for their version of Mr Right and Prince Charming, even though he never really existed.

[2SidestoStories]

Faux,

 

I've been following your story from initial red-wine induction to the present, although I've not really had the nerve to respond, and since I've felt that others have stated similarly enough what I'd have said. Now, I suppose, I'll take my turn, as it were.

 

I am a relatively young single mother (26 now). I happen to have two children; one 41/2 year old daughter and one 11/2 old son. I separated from the kids' dad last summer, and had every intention of returning to school, and getting my own life on track. I won't go into much more in terms of personal detail, save to tell you that the first six months after the separation, I was absolutely in denial that I wasn't in any place to be "with" someone else. Fortunately for me, I made the firm decision to just bite the bullet and get my arse back on the school track. My semester is drawing to a close as we speak, and I couldn't have made a better choice for myself: not being in a relationship allows me to focus on my children and on school, which is precisely where I need to be. This may be where part of your lady friend's confusion lies.

 

She has stated that she is reluctant to become involved with you more deeply, and were I in your place, I would absolutely respect and encourage this. Frankly, it sounds as though you both need the friendship aspect of your closeness much more than the intimacy. Or perhaps that is more what she needs from you, and while you desire to be respectful of her in this, you obviously care a fair bit for her. I can tell you now, and know that at least one other loveshacker would back me up on this: since you have more than friendship feelings toward her, it will be next to impossible for you to "just be friends." However, if you believe that you are capable of having the closeness and intimacy without the "strings" so to speak, I would consider allowing yourself to relax and enjoy what time you have with her.

 

Though I am not sure how communication has been between you, I'm guessing that with the state of heightened emotions, even when you feel like you've had a moment of clarity, the confusion is so much on its' tail that it tends to overshadow that brilliant moment just before. The only suggestion I have for you in this is to...I know it's not easy...R E L A X. When intelligent people sit down to apply techniques of analysis to their own behavior, and to their interpersonal interactions with those whom they're intimate, confusion naturally ensues! (Ack...my apologies. I'm so much in "essay-mode" because of school that my lovely laid-back english has been stifled! Bear with me, and please ask for clarification if I'm being more garbled than sense-making! ) That being said, it is wise for you to keep your own emotions in check in this case; you've either already fallen hard for her, or are well on your way to doing so. Trust your heart.

 

Loving somebody does not hurt. How you choose to handle yourself with regard to love is another matter entirely. Brutality has no place in love. Honesty does. Being honest with yourself is most significant of all, because in being honest with yourself, you will discover that you have reason to trust your judgement, as opposed to continually second-guessing yourself and practicing self-defeat.

 

One last thing: youth is an advantage here. In most cases, youth equals flexibility and willingness to learn. Keep that in mind when you feel overwhelmed. It may help!

 

Best wishes.

 

2sides

[faux]

Originally posted by Good2Go

Sounds like you have touched her heart in her real life but she has chosen to hide her heart in an unrealistic arena she can avoid committment to. If she is scared of her heart feelings up close, that's her problem, but now it's your problem because you care for her.

 

I'd give it to her the way I see it, but know in advance she may be unable to accept your opinion of the matter.

 

If that happens, all you can do is keep your own heart straight and realize some people are messed up. I'm not sure why that happens. They want love, but they don't. I figure they want something from someone who doesn't exist. Mr Internet fills up the fantasy part of their heart since he's not a real walking talking person. They fall for their version of Mr Right and Prince Charming, even though he never really existed.

 

Rather confusing that people do that, indeed. As for Mister Internet... He actually lives two blocks away from her house. She hung out with him two nights in a row, and then he decided to ask her out. Supposedly he just moved here from another state and doesn't know anyone, but she isn't interested.

 

I'm keeping my head straight through this... The best thing I can do is sit back and observe.

 

Originally posted by 2SidestoStories

Faux,

 

I've been following your story from initial red-wine induction to the present, although I've not really had the nerve to respond, and since I've felt that others have stated similarly enough what I'd have said. Now, I suppose, I'll take my turn, as it were.

 

I am a relatively young single mother (26 now). I happen to have two children; one 41/2 year old daughter and one 11/2 old son. I separated from the kids' dad last summer, and had every intention of returning to school, and getting my own life on track. I won't go into much more in terms of personal detail, save to tell you that the first six months after the separation, I was absolutely in denial that I wasn't in any place to be "with" someone else. Fortunately for me, I made the firm decision to just bite the bullet and get my arse back on the school track. My semester is drawing to a close as we speak, and I couldn't have made a better choice for myself: not being in a relationship allows me to focus on my children and on school, which is precisely where I need to be. This may be where part of your lady friend's confusion lies.

 

I think so, too.

 

She has stated that she is reluctant to become involved with you more deeply, and were I in your place, I would absolutely respect and encourage this. Frankly, it sounds as though you both need the friendship aspect of your closeness much more than the intimacy. Or perhaps that is more what she needs from you, and while you desire to be respectful of her in this, you obviously care a fair bit for her. I can tell you now, and know that at least one other loveshacker would back me up on this: since you have more than friendship feelings toward her, it will be next to impossible for you to "just be friends." However, if you believe that you are capable of having the closeness and intimacy without the "strings" so to speak, I would consider allowing yourself to relax and enjoy what time you have with her.

 

Okay. Time for me to sound like an ass here... When I said "rather fond of her" I don't mean "Want to date her exclusively at the moment." I mean moreso, "I might consider it in the future." and "I'm actually thinking she is more interested, in the back of her head, than I am at this time, for some odd reason."

 

This is because I have severe trust issues with women. I waver... I admit. I start to get more attached to her, then think, "I'll just be happy with what I have now."

 

Though I am not sure how communication has been between you, I'm guessing that with the state of heightened emotions, even when you feel like you've had a moment of clarity, the confusion is so much on its' tail that it tends to overshadow that brilliant moment just before. The only suggestion I have for you in this is to...I know it's not easy...R E L A X. When intelligent people sit down to apply techniques of analysis to their own behavior, and to their interpersonal interactions with those whom they're intimate, confusion naturally ensues! (Ack...my apologies. I'm so much in "essay-mode" because of school that my lovely laid-back english has been stifled! Bear with me, and please ask for clarification if I'm being more garbled than sense-making! ) That being said, it is wise for you to keep your own emotions in check in this case; you've either already fallen hard for her, or are well on your way to doing so. Trust your heart.

 

This is odd... Intimacy when first introduced is supposed to block those little red flags. After the intimacy, I began to notice that she is often not quite up to par with me while communicating. I respect her for who she is, but she even admits that most of what I say to her goes RIGHT over her head. Funny, too, since I consider myself rather stupid.

 

I've been distancing myself emotionally since early this month. Then the sex happened... I suppose I'm holding off to find out if she'll decide what she wants before I take any further steps.

 

I believe I am doing what is right, in my mind and in my heart as one could say, for the time being.

 

Loving somebody does not hurt. How you choose to handle yourself with regard to love is another matter entirely. Brutality has no place in love. Honesty does. Being honest with yourself is most significant of all, because in being honest with yourself, you will discover that you have reason to trust your judgement, as opposed to continually second-guessing yourself and practicing self-defeat.

 

One last thing: youth is an advantage here. In most cases, youth equals flexibility and willingness to learn. Keep that in mind when you feel overwhelmed. It may help!

 

Best wishes.

 

2sides

 

Many good points. I've taken them into consideration.