erasmus Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 My girlfriend has a bi best friend with whom she has made out with before and when I first started seeing her (but before we were "official"), they got really drunk one night and he told her that he wished he didn't prefer guys so that he could be with her and that she's perfect for him etc. Also, she never volunteered the fact that they made out before but it just happened that I asked her once if they've ever crossed the line and then she told me (I didn't ask when she volunteered his drunken confession, I assumed at the time that there was nothing more to the story and asked her if there's anything she wanted to tell me about him and her, and at the time she said no.) I told her I'm uncomfortable with not knowing where he stands as far as that goes (I don't believe anyone gets that drunk and said something that they didn't mean at all, or rather the alcohol gave him more courage to say something he otherwise didn't feel comfortable saying yet). She said she didn't want to talk to him about it because it would be uncomfortable and that it could change their relationship, etc. but there have been to many little things that he's said towards me or hostility towards our relationship (again, little things, I kind of just shrugged it off, but now that I know about their history, I feel like there was a different basis for it) that now I just feel uncomfortable not knowing. Finally, she said that she'd talk to him about it, and in a roundabout way, she asked for an assurance that if she came to a party to visit him, they wouldn't have a repeat of that situation. He said the he didn't even remember the situation, but later he did, and that he does have a crush on her, but not physical and that he does have feelings for her that don't translate into wanting to have sex with her. Is it just me, or an emotional attachment of that level is equally bad, if not worse, that a purely physical one? And even so, I'm not sure I believe what he said about the purely non-physical attraction. Another thing he just did was to text her that one of her exes is back on facebook and asked her if she saw his crazy pictures- she hadn't, and I don't have an issue with her being friends with exes (I'm choose not to be, as it just makes things easier and once certain people are out of my life, they're out, but I digress.), but the fact that he did text her and ask her about him, that pisses me off. It's this kind of thing that pisses me off and makes me wary of their relationship. She says that that's the way he is, he likes to gossip a lot and is ridiculous like that, but to everything I say about him, she always seems to just take his side and not once just say that she understand how I feel and would do something about it, without me having to bring it up a few times and a week+ to pass by. Also, she didn't tell me this bit but it came out in a fight about him, which made it ever worse and told her I don't appreciate the fact that she can't be completely transparent about what he says to her, to which she said that she should have told me at the time that he texted her that and was sorry. We've been together for a year and we've gotten very serious about each other, to the point where we both know that we want to be with each other, I know what engagement ring she wants, and she's waiting for me to propose to her. To put this into perspective, they've been friends since college, so 5+ years so far, and live in different states, so they don't hang out that often anymore. I value my friends very much, but I also understand the need to put the feelings of the person that you love before those of friends who may have feelings for you- there's a place and time for everything. She says that's she's very dedicated to the relationship and would do anything for me and us, but to me that's not the point- I don't want to ask anyone to do anything, I want to see that she understands things from my perspective and shows it, without having to tell her so many times. I told her after the last fight we had about him (and there have been at least 5/6), that it was the last one (the biggest one so far) and that the next time I would just break up with her and that she'd never see me again. She said that if it came to choosing between me and him, she would choose me, but I told her that if it came to me asking her to choose between the two of us, it's already gotten to the point where it's already over and "choosing" me would be too late at that point. She keeps saying that she would do anything for us but I'm starting to doubt that, if she's willing to risk another fight about him with me where I would walk away from her and never look back, for the sake of continuing their relationship. Any thought? have you been in a situation like this?
robdrm32 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Set a boundary. You aren't comfortable with their "friendship". If she chooses to keep it going that tells you where you stand with her. Make a decision based off that. You can either accept their friendship or not. Given he admitted having feelings, and they have gotten physical before I wouldn't be comfortable at all.
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