GreenPolicy Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 To Sum Up: Boy meets Girl. Boy falls madly in love. Boy tells Girl he wants to get married and ride off into the sunset together. Girl happily agrees. Boy is firming up the logistics of putting a ring on it (going to jewelry stores together, getting a second job to pay for it) when Girl abruptly calls things off with little explanation. Boy is heartbroken and devastated, but he finds it within himself to not beg and plead her to take him back. Boy reluctantly initiates No Contact. Months go by. He starts to get on with his life, but he thinks of her often. He sets up a profile on OK Cupid for the purpose of "getting back out there" and meeting somebody else. It should be noted that Boy lives in a metro area of 6.3 million people, with presumably thousands of people in his area active on OKC. One morning about nine months after Girl abruptly cut him out of her life, he gets an email notifying him that somebody has sent him a message on OKC. He reads a short message from a lady that he does not know that says "Howdy. How are you? Just wanted to say you have lovely taste in music." He browses to the profile to look at her pictures, where she has uploaded several of her posing with her friends. Guess who appears in two of the photos? Girl who broke his heart. The pictures have obviously been taken since she left his life. Boy has not initiated any contact or looked Girl up on facebook since the breakup. It is his first (involuntary) glimpse at Girl and her life after the split. Boy is shocked and freaked out. He initially decides to ignore, but finally decides to reply: Hi, I appreciate you writing and want to say thanks for your compliment, but I am not interested in conversing any further. Please respect my wishes. I will say, however, that you have good taste in friends. C_____ (the ex's real name, but he doesn't say how he knows her) is a lovely and remarkable woman with a beautiful soul. Good luck with your search and take care. D________ (GreenPolicy's real name)
Author GreenPolicy Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 I thought it was an amazing coincidence, but most of my friends disagree.
April72 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Did she respond ? Since you mention the friend ? I'm sure it was merely a coinencidence.
Author GreenPolicy Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Yeah, I thought it was a coincidence. No, she didn't respond. I deleted my profile a couple days later.
thehead Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 It's your ex checking up on you, the woman who mailed you probably knows exactly who you are. Keep up the NC though, that's not an invite to try to stir anything up with the ex, just a kind of fishing. I'm in NC myself right now and it's easy because I was done for months before the breakup, but suspect it will get harder. I'm thinking the same thing, especially if the pictures of your ex were especially flattering.
Author GreenPolicy Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 I broke NC in a way by acknowledging the ex in my reply. I knew that anything I said in acknowledgment would get back to her. approximately September 1, 2010 : emails me suggestions for wedding venues and addresses me as 'fiance' mid-September 2010: tells me her parents want to meet mine and that they don't want to wait until the wedding to get acquainted with the in-laws, and that we should arrange a dinner. Beginning of October 2010: we go to a jewelry convention to look at bands together so I'll have an idea of what to get her. October 11, 2010: tells me in an email what kind of engagement ring she wants. October 13, 2010: emails me to tell me she loves me October 16, 2010: I get dumped. All I did post breakup was I sent her flowers one week later and I mailed her a letter two weeks later. I had my friends look the letter over first to make sure I didn't come across as begging and pleading. I basically just said I respected her decision if she felt it was best for her, but that I thought what we had together was worth trying to save and I wanted to go to couples counseling to try and save the relationship. Both gestures were ignored, so I never did anything else, no calls/texts/emails/IMs, anything.
Star Gazer Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Ugh, that sounds really sucky. I imagine that it was just a really bad coincidence... She might not have known how you're "related" to your ex. The world is way too small sometimes...
Lil1 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 That is terrible coincidence Greenpolicy:( I think you handled it with class and integrity. Keep your faith strong, you have helped me and many others here on LS realize that we are all deserving of honest unconditional love, but that it all begins with loving ourselves. Keep doing your thing GreenPolicy, keep the focus on you for now and under no circumstance let yourself be vulnerable to her again. Stay NC! Love will find you again when it's right for you!
Hot Chick Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Well, if it was a genuine email of interest and simply a coincidence that she is friends with your ex, you could still date this new person. It's not like if you go out on a date your ex would be along....maybe they are just casual acquaintances or something.
GG3 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 My first reaction was that your ex probably asked her friend to talk to you to see what you are up to. But if she did...why would her friend leave pictures up that would blow her cover? Is your ex the kind of person that would want you to see awesome pics of her having a good time? Even though she dumped you so cruely? If not...then I would assume coincidence. Or this friend of hers had a crush on you while you were dating?
SmileFace Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Haha, don't you love dating sites? When my ex broke up with me, he was my top match when I opened a new account. Both of our accounts were new from the time we meet so it was even more shocking. Bad luck, my ass.
Author GreenPolicy Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 My first reaction was that your ex probably asked her friend to talk to you to see what you are up to. But if she did...why would her friend leave pictures up that would blow her cover? Is your ex the kind of person that would want you to see awesome pics of her having a good time? Even though she dumped you so cruely? If not...then I would assume coincidence. Or this friend of hers had a crush on you while you were dating? In one of the pics, the ex and the friend are posing close together smiling. They appear to be at the outdoor patio of a bar. In the other, same thing, only they are at an outdoor concert on the green where you bring blankets and lawn chairs. I dunno, there's no guarantee that anybody is going to write you back in the world of online dating. When I saw pics of my ex, I felt compelled to respond in some way. I didn't find the girl all that attractive, so I would have probably just ignored her without pics of my ex. I've never seen her before in my life. I believe she is somebody my ex became friends with after the split. When we were together, I'm confident that I met all the important people in her life. My overwhelming impression when I first saw the pics was that this had to be some sort of cruel coincidence, but I have had so many people argue the opposite.
fortyninethousand322 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 What I've come to believe is that in the internet era, almost everyone in a major metro area is connected in some way (sort of like six degrees of separation). I live in a fairly large metropolitan area as well but I've noticed that a lot of people online (dating sites or general social networking sites) are people that I know, or they know people I know. There was a girl who posted a picture of herself on here months ago, I have not only come across her profile on a dating site, but also found out that she is friends with one of my friends. Another girl I chatted with on Okcupid a few times ended up in one of my classes a few months later. Bizarre coincidence both times. So I would not be at all surprised if it were just a big coincidence in your case.
Author GreenPolicy Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 That is terrible coincidence Greenpolicy:( I think you handled it with class and integrity. Keep your faith strong, you have helped me and many others here on LS realize that we are all deserving of honest unconditional love, but that it all begins with loving ourselves. Keep doing your thing GreenPolicy, keep the focus on you for now and under no circumstance let yourself be vulnerable to her again. Stay NC! Love will find you again when it's right for you! I don't know why I am so still hurt nine months later. Maybe it's the way she dumped me. I think it would be easier to process if we were obviously having problems or there were serious compatibility issues. It's hard when you get blindsided when things were still very good on the whole. I know that even if she did come back, it would be a very hard thing to trust her again, and so many people tell me she has serious issues and I should consider myself lucky. But my heart....hurts over her. Maybe it's because I imagine she's having the time of her life and I worry about the next guy getting a better deal than me. But I need to focus on myself.
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I don't know why I am so still hurt nine months later Have you yet grieved the death of who you were when you loved her and believed and felt she loved you? I happened to face grieving that death as well as the death of a parent all in one year last year and man it was sucky but ya know there is light and life at the end of that tunnel. You gotta ride the rails to get through. It'll come. The time you spent away from grieving (and NC) to 'deal' with this friend of your ex derailed you for a bit. Now, get back on track. Good luck
Author GreenPolicy Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Have you yet grieved the death of who you were when you loved her and believed and felt she loved you? I happened to face grieving that death as well as the death of a parent all in one year last year and man it was sucky but ya know there is light and life at the end of that tunnel. You gotta ride the rails to get through. It'll come. The time you spent away from grieving (and NC) to 'deal' with this friend of your ex derailed you for a bit. Now, get back on track. Good luck I'm just so very tired of all of this. This has been wearying.
Lil1 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Hang in there Green, I can't imagine experiencing what you did, but you seem like an intelligent, self-assured person who, no matter what life throws their way they will always remain true to themselves. I think that is a key to achieving happiness in life. Have faith that you will be truly happy again, like carhill said, perhaps you are still grieving for the loss of your old happy life, including your own happy self, and that is a part of this process of moving on. Once you do move on however, know that you will come out wiser and more confident of yourself. It's possible you may always think of your ex from time to time but that's natural when you have truly loved someone. That doesn't mean that you won't love someone else just as much if not more! There is a lot of love inside of you (inside all of us I like to believe!) and you will give your fabulous love to a deserving lady someday! In the meantime really focus on yourself, lean on friends and family for support, and keep the faith in yourself strong.*Hugs!*
Sugarkane Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Does it matter if it was just bad luck or on purpose? The end result is still the same.
0hpenelope Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 GP, it's a sh*tty coincidence. It's a horrible coincidence. I support your position. I hope you're giving yourself considerable credit in your progress, though. You got this. Consider yourself really lucky that with the people you interact with now, you will feel genuine in your actions and thoughts. You helped yourself there a lot and you will never have to watch yourself with what you say and how you act and what you get involved in in your social media life because you've done what you had to do. It really sucks to see an LS acquaintance torn up about it, but I believe in you. You'll bounce back and you will remember you're still moving forward, regardless of this blip.
P&R Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 This boy is such a sad doormat. Doormat? If he was a doormat he would be begging his EX to take him back. Despite being heartbroken, and saddened he is still remaining strong in his resolve.
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