Thx55 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 My wife and I have been living like roommates for about 2 months. I have been going to counseling talking with family and friends doing my best to cope with the separation. We are living under the same roof and sleep in separate rooms. We have a 2 1/2 year old daughter who is my life and we try to maintain some type of relationship and do things together as a family. We are both very depressed and let life's negatives overtake us. My wife reacts in frustration and anger rages. Where I tend to dwell more. She doesn't attempt to seek any counseling and she has been depressed since the birth of our daughter. She is very controling and shows little empathy towards me. HAsn't in many years. It appears part of her persona. Financially we cannot afford separate place to live. She is very adamant about space and continues to ask me to leave but i don't want or feel i should especially because o fear she would use it against me in court?? i live in pa. I have worked very hard and continue to for the sake of making everyone happy. My wife got the opportunity to go to school and graduated and has not had a fulltime job in years. We hit the brink of knowing we need space from each other because all I do is make her angry so she left last friday to Mass for a couple of weeks and im trying to deal. I don't call or text or anything. she has been writing stuff on facebook criticizing me for not asking for support or talking to anyone? When in fact I do? Including a therapist? I'm wondering if she feels I am ignoring her but I am only respecting her wishes. I do know she is angry and upset that she had to leave the state to get space and time. but if i would have left here for a short time she would be calling on me daily to appease her. I just know it.. There is more to my long story. Im 34 she is 26 this saturday. married 4 years this past June. It's been rocky since becoming parents. having no time for each other and we drifted apart. she feels I am weak and show no support or respect for her? How should i handle her being away? should i have no contact except to talk with my daughter? It sounds like a tough hill to climb here. I think she wants out one minute the next she seems lost?
Owl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 In house seperations don't work. Are the two of you trying to "seperate pending divorce"? If so...is there no way that you can get family to help you sort out how to seperate completely from her? Move in with family for a short time until you're able to work out a place to live on your own? As far as the short term dealing with things while she's gone...fill your time with things that you've been wanting to do but not had time to do. Projects around the house, hobbies and movies you've not had a chance to see, get out and go fishing/hiking/whatever.
Author Thx55 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 thanks owl...i've been trying. I miss my daughter. and wife even though she can be mean and heartless. i know she is suffering mentally. so i should just leave her be then. i didn't want to leave because if divorce is in our future i don't want to be looked at like i was abandoning them? I am awaiting the call back from an attorney to get a few questions answered. she is very difficult. it appears she is done with me. sometimes she shows affection but very little. i know the in home seperation isn't working. maybe if i get the hell out she'll be happy again....
Owl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Quit worrying about her happiness...she certainly isn't losing any sleep over what she's done to yours. Focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter, and let your wife be responsible for her own happiness and welfare...it sounds like that's what she wants...so give it to her. Start cutting her out of your life so that you and your daughter can heal...and let your wife learn what life is like WITHOUT you.
Author Thx55 Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 to be honest owl im not sure what the hell we are doing? One minute we talk about divorce through our anger and the next she is just wanting to get away from the frustration and stress. which we bring on each other. not intentionally mind you. i think it is a matter of disappointment and she gets upset at the drop of a hat. its like walking around on eggshells. Im trying to take the right steps on getting better all around. she isn't however. I don't want this family to fail. but its the stereo typical i want it she doesn't know? its stress full on all of us. it takes work.. maybe she just thinks the grass is greener. i think its the fact that ive catered to this for so long. i feel weak as a man and would like to become more positive..
Owl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Here's the trick... Stop trying to ask her what direction you're headed in. Instead...be the leader in the house and start heading in the direction you want things to go. She'll either follow you, or leave. If she fights...tell her that those are her options. Stop letting her have all the power. Stop letting her dictate what's happening, making you walk on eggshells. Take charge. Start making whatever changes you think need to be made. She can either embrace that...or find her own way in life. You can tell her you'd prefer to have her with you...but if she chooses not to come along, you'll live just fine without her. Trust me...she'll respect you for it eventually, and respect is the foundation for a woman to love a man. And if she doesn't...you'll have a lot more self-respect at that point, and be moving in the right direction already. Stop worrying about losing her...the sooner you do that, the sooner you'll get control and balance back in your life.
Author Thx55 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Thanks owl. That's good advice. It's funny how things change and lives change but you're expected to stay the same person. Everyone changes. I don't want the love i have for her to keep personifying me as weak. I guess if i was stronger I would of said the hell with it and moved on. I don't know. I hate feeling like I'm being seen as weak! Just because I am the one fighting to save this. Bs. My wife has a personality disorder and can be very difficult. She shows little empathy and really needs to see a doctor to get things off her mind. I try and her family tries but she just isn't ready to see. Terrible.
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