mrsgump Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Hello I posted in the marriage forum a few days ago about problems with my husband, and have since then made moves towards separation/divorce, and just wanted some feedback on other people's thoughts, as I feel a bit confused. The situation is that my husband and I are both 29. We met 4 years ago and have been married for 2.5 years. The issues started straight after our honeymoon when I discovered he cheated on me while we were engaged. We were long distance at the time he cheated, and he slept with a girl three times while she was on holiday. He denied and lied about everything but reluctantly admitted it all when the girl told me everything. I'd also found that he'd emailed another girl about how he enjoyed dancing with her in a club, also from when we were engaged. As we were already married, I decided to give it a go. He's a fun guy, fundamentally we get on very well, but there were other issues. I found trust very hard as I realised he lies about where he goes and drinking. He's been to a club without telling me which I figured out, and there were other nights where the story doesn't seem to add up. He has come home at 8am-10am a number of times without answering his phone or having the decency to let me know where he was. He'd come home to find me crying, but it kept happening again and again. He also has major financial issues and really bad money management skills. He always runs out of money and counts on me to bail him out. I realise that I have helped him to keep doing this as I kept bailing him out - which is why things have changed now and I've told him I want to divorce - based on the initial infidelity, his continued lying about things, his disrespect when he goes out and doesn't let me know where he is and his financial issues. I don't want to keep supporting him or have kids with a guy like this. I realise that by staying when he keeps repeating these things I have inadvertently 'accepted' his behaviour. I was having trouble knowing where to 'draw the line' as there was no big drama (like cheating again or hitting me) that led to me saying I want out - just a decision that I'd had enough. The truth is we love each other still and we have our laughs between dramas, but love is not enough to maintain a marriage. I was wondering if others agreed that this is all enough basis for divorce. I've already talked to my family that I want a divorce (although I didn't tell my mum that he drinks a lot or comes home late, as that would really upset her - she seems understanding enough on the cheating and finance front... although I wonder if I am really trying to protect him). He came over today to discuss and we agreed that we will separate for 2 months, as encouraged by my mum and the fact that he said he doesn't want to divorce. He was planning to stay on the sofa at our place for a while but I told him that I want him to move out, I don't want things to be practically the same and be swayed into carrying on like before. He agreed to move out next week. By not officially ending it now... I feel I have left the possibility of us getting back together again... who knows, I may change my mind, or I may clarify that I am happier without him. Does anyone think I should consider giving him another chance? Or am I right to be at the end of my tether? Of course I will make my own decision, but some other opinions may bring up points I had not considered. I'm sure there are people who would insist they would have left ages ago, but you know it's always easier when you're the third person. I was blinded by love for a long time. Does anyone have any thoughts please?
Owl Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 You're the only person who can decide when your "enough is enough" line has been reached. No one on the outside can determine that for you.
psionyx Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 If you are in the "should I stay or should I go" mind set, then I recommend this book: "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I just finished it, and it has given me the clarity and tools I need to finally get out of my relationship ambivalence. Good luck to you and your family.
Author mrsgump Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 If you are in the "should I stay or should I go" mind set, then I recommend this book: "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I just finished it, and it has given me the clarity and tools I need to finally get out of my relationship ambivalence. Good luck to you and your family. Thanks, I have just ordered it - I see it received lots of good reviews too. I will reading it during the separation!!
Author mrsgump Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Does anyone else have any thoughts to add please? I'd really appreciate it Thanks
coolheadal Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Well don't know when the wife started to cheat I can only narrow it down to 2008 or 2009 when it start and still ongoing. Before that I had to bail her out when she didn't have the funds to pay her share of the mortgage or her car payments an avon deal. She's not good with making payments or bills. Since this stuff started she's like your husband not coming home to the wee early morning hours. Not picking up her cell phone. So this are the signs of cheating or just don't want to be bothered. In your case you should get out the marriage as it will just get worst. For me it's time for me to get out of town. I wasn't prepared for this and never knew this was coming. It's a good wake-up call though. I should have never left my house to come to this town. Never again will that happen. If you own your home throw your husband out or get a lawyer to get him out. I wish you better luck than I am going through now. Take care and keep us informed how you make out!
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Does anyone have any thoughts please? He must be an immensely attractive and charismatic man for you to consider boundaries like you're alluding to as healthy to stay in the M. Throughout my life I've been amazed at the power some men hold over women. I hope you find a healthy path. A loving and satisfying M is certainly more than this, IMO.
coolheadal Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 He must be an immensely attractive and charismatic man for you to consider boundaries like you're alluding to as healthy to stay in the M. Throughout my life I've been amazed at the power some men hold over women. I hope you find a healthy path. A loving and satisfying M is certainly more than this, IMO. This can be the reverse role where the Wife has hold over the husband.
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Yes, generally, it can go both ways. I experienced some of that in my M. The OP, as I was, is still attached and her boundaries aren't yet firm. There are signs of firmness, but she's waffling, to wit: 'By not officially ending it now... I feel I have left the possibility of us getting back together again... who knows, I may change my mind, or I may clarify that I am happier without him. Does anyone think I should consider giving him another chance? Or am I right to be at the end of my tether? Of course I will make my own decision, but some other opinions may bring up points I had not considered.' I went through much of the same process, but MC helped immensely in clarifying both the boundaries and the reasons for them. Wandering aimlessly and making stupid decisions turned into a path with direction. Hope the OP finds her path.
Author mrsgump Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Sadly he is a very handsome and charming man!! He has the kind of personality to win everyone over and very much a people person. Yes, I agree I had not set out my boundaries. After the cheating I decided to give him a chance, but if he cheated again or hit me, I'd leave. I didn't anticipate all this other in-between stuff. I'm sure this is a third case person 'I would leave' situation but I'm stuck in it and still not believing my husband is an evil man although he does things that upset me a lot. At least I can learn a lot from this relationship, I will be clearer with boundaries and how many chances someone will get... I know he'd never tell me if he cheated again... I feel lucky to have found out about the first time. I know I can't trust him (whether he cheats or not) and a relationship without trust is horrible. I have to keep reminding myself of this stuff as I can imagine how easy it would be to fall back under his charm and into old habits! I'm staying with my family for as long as possible, glad he agreed to move out next week, I don't want him nearby to try to sway me. I still feel like he doesn't really 'get' why I don't want to be with him. He seems to think I moan when he goes out late and I should just get over it! I really don't think he understands how frustrating it is from my side.
coolheadal Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 You gave a cheater a second chance (or a way back into your life). That's the issue! Plus if he has hit you that's a big NO! He's a wife beater takes it out on you. Cheater always cheats again an again. They can't help it. I have to many in my side of the family that does that (cheating) they think is fun to do! The wife dad is a cheater so it kind off rub off on her. So she can join the rest of her family a bunch of cheaters. I find it odd how all cheaters will seem to know who cheats and welcomes such activities.
Author mrsgump Posted July 27, 2011 Author Posted July 27, 2011 Hello all Just to let you know that I separated from my husband and he moved out last week. It feels like a big relief. Funnily things started picking up as soon as he left, I was offered a contract with a great company and also have 2 more interviews lined up! A new job is good distraction for me, but also allows me to look forward... it's nice not feeling like I have to worry about someone else's finances or bad behaviour bringing me down. It's also been nice to have some time to think by myself. I've been to a couple of counselling sessions. It helped me to see that logically and rationally I believe I should leave and that I deserve better, but maybe my traditional upbringing (even though I was always rebellious against it) makes me inclined to keep trying to make the marriage work. Even now my mum is always encouraging me to give him another chance - she hasn't expressed any anger or disappointment at him at all! It annoys me that she never defends me for anything - the fact is she never stood up for herself and she believes you should just get on with things. That's not how I want to think although apparently that is what I have been doing. The counselling also pointed out to me that I grew up seeing a loveless marriage (my mum had arranged marriages to my dad who died when I was young and also to my stepdad) and that made me really value the LOVE I found with my husband and practically bypass all of his other aspects like the lack of money. And maybe that has been another factor that has been keeping me, because I do value how he loves me and I feel lucky to have it because most of my family don't. But I have learned that love is not enough, you need money, respect and honesty too, and he couldn't offer me these things. It would be tempting and easy to give him another chance and slip back into old ways, but somewhere in my heart I know that it's over and we will never have a good marriage. I still don't trust him and he has not made enough effort to rebuild the trust. I always resent him for ruining our marriage as I found out so soon after our honeymoon that he cheated on me. I also resent him for letting me marry him without telling me, he's wasted both of our lives and now I will be divorced before 30 when we could have avoided this situation altogether if he hadn't cheated or if he'd been honest about it before we got married. He's such a loser. Amazing how good looks and charm will get you so far!! It's still not officially over. We agreed to discuss things properly at the end of August and just relax in the meantime. We have talked on the phone a few times so things are a little tense but still on good terms.
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