TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 They do miss you and they do go through "what if". But if they are mature about it they won't be contacting you or telling you that because it will set you back or give you false hope. Would one text/email/call asking how we are really giving somebody false hope? Isn't it just the decent thing to do? Knowing somebody isn't coping because of my actions would play on my mind, and I probably wouldn't sleep at night.. I just really don't know :/
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 This is exactly what I'm talking about. You go from just a few weeks or maybe even days ago of I love you, and I'm so lucky to have you, laughing and sharing lives to "Oh, it's just not working out". WTF? It's kinda sick to me. People can switch their emotions that quickly? After years with that person and how much effort and love you put in, they can just walk away? I don't know about anyone else but if I knew someone loved me that much I wouldn't be so harsh. I would sympathize as this was someone I shared my life with and loved at one time. I would have atleast given them the effort of trying. I've been there, tempted by another but I never even once thought about betraying the one I love. I guess when you have someone else in the works you just become so selfish and all you can think about is wanting that new shiny peice of a$$. This made me cry. Seem's like a waste doesn't it? A waste of 3 years in my case.
shortee143 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 This is what I don't get. It's almost like they're angry with us, and when we ask to talk things through properly they flip out 'Oh just leave it, I've said what I've had to say' What the hell? Why do they act so angry? Like we don't have a right to know why we've been dumped :/ Exactly!!! My ex told me talking about our breakup is drama he didnt want to deal with. How freaking rude, like you cant at least explain this so I can cope too. I hope he someday gets to experience what it is like to be on my end of things, we'll see how he likes it.
RuinedLife Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 They do miss you and they do go through "what if". But if they are mature about it they won't be contacting you or telling you that because it will set you back or give you false hope. My ex told me he misses me and that he will talk to me about things, but recently he's just been ignoring me again. So its that whole thing of having false hopes boosted and then crushed, boosted and then crushed, like a vicious cycle of relationship false hope and then probable doom. And makes me wonder whats going on in his head. I know I need to focus on me, but its hard to give up on the relationship completely when there are tiny bread crumbs like this to feed my delusional denial. I'm not saying I'm not to blame too, I am, but I really wish he wouldn't say things like "we should talk soon" and then not follow through and leave me hanging.
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 My ex told me he misses me and that he will talk to me about things, but recently he's just been ignoring me again. So its that whole thing of having false hopes boosted and then crushed, boosted and then crushed, like a vicious cycle of relationship false hope and then probable doom. And makes me wonder whats going on in his head. I know I need to focus on me, but its hard to give up on the relationship completely when there are tiny bread crumbs like this to feed my delusional denial. I'm not saying I'm not to blame too, I am, but I really wish he wouldn't say things like "we should talk soon" and then not follow through and leave me hanging. Exactly. I know I have my blame in this as well, I know I wasn't perfect and could have changed quite a few things. But I was willing to work things out, I was willing to communicate like a friggin adult. I'm not gonna walk away from the relationship like it was meaningless and a waste. The whole not even attempting to work it out, or give proper communication. THATS the part I think is total crap.
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Exactly. I know I have my blame in this as well, I know I wasn't perfect and could have changed quite a few things. But I was willing to work things out, I was willing to communicate like a friggin adult. I'm not gonna walk away from the relationship like it was meaningless and a waste. The whole not even attempting to work it out, or give proper communication. THATS the part I think is total crap. CaliBabe, are you still in contact with him? If he can't be assed to act like an adult and talk things through, for your piece of mind then is it worth the hurt? Or did I read this wrong?
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 CaliBabe, are you still in contact with him? If he can't be assed to act like an adult and talk things through, for your piece of mind then is it worth the hurt? Or did I read this wrong? No I haven't. It's been about 7 weeks. And I suppose he isn't worth the time, I am just extremely sad and heartbroken. I am trying to find myself though... It's all I can really do I suppose.
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 No I haven't. It's been about 7 weeks. And I suppose he isn't worth the time, I am just extremely sad and heartbroken. I am trying to find myself though... It's all I can really do I suppose. 7 weeks is a long time, well done I'm feeling like that too, makes it worse when I know she's back on dating sites ect after just 2 weeks..
RuinedLife Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Exactly. I know I have my blame in this as well, I know I wasn't perfect and could have changed quite a few things. But I was willing to work things out, I was willing to communicate like a friggin adult. I'm not gonna walk away from the relationship like it was meaningless and a waste. The whole not even attempting to work it out, or give proper communication. THATS the part I think is total crap. I just love my ex so much still and it really hurts me that we were so close and yet he doesn't even seem to want to talk to me anymore. I just feel so alone. I really wish he was willing to at least try and talk about things, because I suggested may things I'd be willing to try to make the relationship work, seeing each other less etc, but none of it was enough for him.
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I just love my ex so much still and it really hurts me that we were so close and yet he doesn't even seem to want to talk to me anymore. I just feel so alone. I really wish he was willing to at least try and talk about things, because I suggested may things I'd be willing to try to make the relationship work, seeing each other less etc, but none of it was enough for him. I know how you feel and its horrible! I've just found out that my ex is on dating sites ect, I feel like a fool, I feel sick, angry!
amethyste Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Apparently we all went from "the perfectest" to "nothing" in a snap of fingers...
wilsonx Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 This made me cry. Seem's like a waste doesn't it? A waste of 3 years in my case. I wanted to comment on this and other posts like this. It's not a waste of 3 years. Do not ever look at it like this. Reframe it to something like, wow glad I had fun and I got out of this before it became too serious and we got married or kids together and this happened. I am in the 3 year boat, mostly our friendship which was 2 years before that which I valued way more then the relationship but that itself is toast. When you are in a long term relationship, its ultimately about the decisions YOU made in the relationship. Not the decisions your ex made to leave you. You have no control over this. Nothing you could have done would have prevented this. Use your decisions to make better decisions about future relationships in the future. Choose better people, I'm sure we all know exactly what are ex's are like. Choose people that are no where near them. Instead of choosing someone that is selfish and only talks and wants about themselves, choose someone that is selfless and cares about them self first and you a close second
radiodarcy Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I know how you feel and its horrible! I've just found out that my ex is on dating sites ect, I feel like a fool, I feel sick, angry! *ugh* mine at least gave me the "courtesy" of letting me know that he no longer wanted to be with me so he could go on dating sites to find "the one". he would even forward me the dating profiles of girls who had contacted him through this sites during the time i (stupidly) tried being friends with him. at times like this i really do hope there's such thing as karma. i'm almost sure he wouldn't like being treated the way he treated me any more than i did...
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I feel so foolish for being on a site like this to help me heal and understand why and how she ended it. Ok I don't expect her to be sitting around crying over me or even thinking about me because it's pretty clear that I'm erased from her mind but to be on dating sites already is just, I don't even know, I'm in utter shock right now.
radiodarcy Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I feel so foolish for being on a site like this to help me heal and understand why and how she ended it. Ok I don't expect her to be sitting around crying over me or even thinking about me because it's pretty clear that I'm erased from her mind but to be on dating sites already is just, I don't even know, I'm in utter shock right now. don't feel bad about coming on here. everyone needs an outlet to vent. this is for you to heal for yourself. to help you cope. don't even worry about what she's up to. it doesn't matter. just do what's best for you.
amethyste Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I feel so foolish for being on a site like this to help me heal and understand why and how she ended it. There's no need to feel this way. I feel so much better since I'm here. I'm not glad that others suffer, but it's nice when someone can understand the feelings you are going through. We're so many in the same boat. What can I say? We're not sailing alone after all I truly believe that peace & closure come from within. I think nobody can tell you exactly why your ex broke it up with you - so you need accept this situation and move on. There's no other choice. Personally, I've thought about soooo many scenarios related to my ex's reasons to give up on me, but sincerely I have no idea what was in his head. We can't know.
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 You're all really helpful and I'm glad I found this site Nobody can give me answers, just opinions, which really do help, it clears my head, my mind was ticking over all day and all night. My friend just called and told me thats she's on this dating site..I thought I would cry but I didn't, I laughed Am I losing it? I sat in the garden had a cig and thought, that's it now, enough! Now I feel numb! She is over me already, already!
amethyste Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I need to vent a little bit about this, before going to sleep: My ex always used to tell me that I'm perfect for him, that he's happy we've met and that he considers himself very lucky to have me in his life. He said that he treasures what we have, and that there are so many things he likes about "us". Then he quit without even fighting. But that's not important. What I wanted to say is that a couple of days before I went for NC, we were having a conversation and I've told him that I sometimes try to imagine myself being with someone else and I can't, that my mind completely freezes (and this is entirely true), and his response was: "Don't worry, it will eventually happen." Gee, thanks. I didn't know it's so easy for him to find "wonder women" all over the place. "No worries for losing something special , it's not such a big deal." Probably I'm ramblig because I'm super sleepy already (finally!). Sowwy.
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I am so glad I found this site. I'm grateful I can come here and vent and have people who are compassionate and can feel my pain. No matter how sad and abandoned I feel, I know I am not 100% alone on this journey. You guys and LS are great. 1
GivenUp0083 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 A part of me wishes that I knew the answer to this question. My ex left me suddenly despite telling me that I was the only one for her; that she felt like the luckiest girl in the world; that she'd never felt so strongly about anyone else before; that she would be with me for the rest of our lives. Yet, since she called me to end things, I've not had any contact from her whatsoever. How could she possibly tell me all those things one minute, then the next make it seem as if I'd never existed? The more rational part of me knows better than to try and answer this. If she misses me then so be it, but that's not going to bring her back. Just thinking about this question and trying to solve it would only bring more heartache and suffering to me. It's not going to affect her; it's not going to make her come back. So thinking about this question would only make one feel worse. This is exactly what I'm talking about. You go from just a few weeks or maybe even days ago of I love you, and I'm so lucky to have you, laughing and sharing lives to "Oh, it's just not working out". WTF? It's kinda sick to me. People can switch their emotions that quickly? After years with that person and how much effort and love you put in, they can just walk away? I don't know about anyone else but if I knew someone loved me that much I wouldn't be so harsh. I would sympathize as this was someone I shared my life with and loved at one time. I would have atleast given them the effort of trying. I've been there, tempted by another but I never even once thought about betraying the one I love. I guess when you have someone else in the works you just become so selfish and all you can think about is wanting that new shiny peice of a$$. I feel the exact same way. I'm not someone who can fake how I feel and say things I don't mean. But as I've dated a lot in the last couple years and my recent relationship....there are a lot of people who can do that. It's been hard for me, but with each time I get burned, I grow stronger, and I remember that there are people who say one thing and feel another. Lying is completely acceptable in this society today and you just have to keep that in the back of your mind before you give yourself to someone. When you love someone, you give them a piece of your soul. That piece is very fragile and it gives them the ability to crush a part of you with great pain. I've learned to keep this in the back of my mind that some people are emotionally reckless and have no hesitation to crush someone's soul when given the ability. It will probably take a lot from the next girl to earn that piece of my soul from me. Unfortunately, people are lazy and most women I've met aren't willing to put in the effort to win me over, so I don't see it happening. I've accepted it, and now I'm free from it. If I won't let them, they can't touch me, they won't have that on me ever again if I can help it. No I haven't. It's been about 7 weeks. And I suppose he isn't worth the time, I am just extremely sad and heartbroken. I am trying to find myself though... It's all I can really do I suppose. It'll get better. Thinking this way and wondering if they miss you only prolongs the process. You need to think of all the things they did to you that hurt you. Write it down in a letter to them but don't send it. I did this, and every time I even think about a chance back with my ex or what I would do if she came back....I pull out the letter, and I read it. Then I remind myself why I wouldn't even want to be her friend. I don't hate her, I feel indifference toward her, which is far worse than hating someone because it means I no longer care.
Wesker Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 This is exactly what I'm talking about. You go from just a few weeks or maybe even days ago of I love you, and I'm so lucky to have you, laughing and sharing lives to "Oh, it's just not working out". WTF? It's kinda sick to me. People can switch their emotions that quickly? After years with that person and how much effort and love you put in, they can just walk away? I don't know about anyone else but if I knew someone loved me that much I wouldn't be so harsh. I would sympathize as this was someone I shared my life with and loved at one time. I would have atleast given them the effort of trying. I've been there, tempted by another but I never even once thought about betraying the one I love. I guess when you have someone else in the works you just become so selfish and all you can think about is wanting that new shiny peice of a$$. So true. My ex went from "can't wait to be in your arms", to "can't wait to be out of my life". Almost 8 years together, and she told me she wasn't happy the past year. I'm far from perfect, but it's hard to fix what's broken if you don't know what's really broken if they can't even tell you. I was never a dumper, but if that decision had to be made, I wouldn't string someone along for months to even a year. 2 weeks tops I would think about it, and in that time I would give whoever I was with a chance to remedy whatever would be wrong. If they can't do that, then there really is no choice at that point.
MissMoni Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I know that our dumpers are doing the best for them, but really, it still is selfish. I even had my ex tell me that I should have "known" that we were headed towards a breakup because he didn't cuddle with me on the couch one night. ...um? lol. I truly agree with some of the posts before me that say that sometimes our exes have to convince THEMSELVES they want to dump us, thus making up ridiculous lines like the one above. -_-
shortee143 Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 This is exactly what I'm talking about. You go from just a few weeks or maybe even days ago of I love you, and I'm so lucky to have you, laughing and sharing lives to "Oh, it's just not working out". WTF? It's kinda sick to me. People can switch their emotions that quickly? After years with that person and how much effort and love you put in, they can just walk away? I don't know about anyone else but if I knew someone loved me that much I wouldn't be so harsh. I would sympathize as this was someone I shared my life with and loved at one time. I would have atleast given them the effort of trying. I've been there, tempted by another but I never even once thought about betraying the one I love. I guess when you have someone else in the works you just become so selfish and all you can think about is wanting that new shiny peice of a$$. Ah calibabe, we so have the same mindset. I find it kinda sick too, like wtf is wrong with people. My ex knows I love him, yet just continues to do things that hurt me. It is like hellllo, you bailed out of nowhere, with no reason...in my mind, I dont undersntad how he cant at least think "wow this girl loves me with all her heart and soul, and would do anything for me, maybe I should really try, or talk to her before just dumping her". It hurts like hell, but angers me too. My ex admits he can turn his feelings off...great, nice, wonderful, hah. My ex needs to learn the meaning if the word empathy!
Sugarkane Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 From my experience they only think about us when: a) They can get an ego boost and play games b) They think they can get sex from you. 1
fallenenvy Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 Wow, it's really interesting to get the perspective of the dumper. It seems like they don't care but there are the instances where the dumper can feel guilty. Out of curiosity, did you Sugar and FallenEnvy go NC on your dumpee? Mine is actually a strange situation... my dumpee and i are not NC.... we still live together. When we went our ways we went into seperate rooms. he was never home much anyway and we didn't see each other much. We fought ALOT and he has a violent temper that would explode from time to time... then there was the fact that he was plain immature. it has been 2 years and we still live together with the addition of the guy i am with now. yes this probably sounds messed up but it works. They are good friends somehow.. (looks behind to the garage where they are fiddling with his car) There are times though when i look at him and think.. wow.. hes really matured.. and i miss him in "that way" but i always tell myself that ending it was right. It hurts sometimes.. and sometimes i catch a look from him that says the same thing.. like.. maybe if we had been together later in life it would've worked.... But you can't think like that either. Things end for a reason and go the way they go for a reason. Only cold hearted people could leave someone and not care... most will be a bit sad and think about it from time to time.. But please people don't be hating on dumpers. You need to do whats right by you. If you were in a relationship that you felt wasn't right wouldn't you feel you should have the ability to leave; even if the other person hated your guts for it? Those bastards that feel the need to play mind games after a breakup give it all a bad name. I would also like to say my case is unique... but i really think in most cases NC is the way to go. It helps you get on your way faster.. as long as you are careful not to start forming an idealistic vision of what the relationship was.
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