gothowitz Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 gothowitz, do you think this is it? the end? or do you think this is something you two will eventually work through? I think this is it. I have to prioritize myself for now. Besides, I think it's highly improbable that he'd come to apologize and try to reconcile.
ShatteredDreams Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 After my ex dumped me for good, and I went crazy and tried to commit suicide. I finally did NC for a month before she broke it one midnight I was driving home with friends from a party. She called me to tell me she is dating my close friend. I had a massive break down in front of my friends. I guess that was her way of telling me she really hates my guts, and there is absolutely no hope for us in the future. The question that still bothers me, even though I should be over it is..."Did she hook up with my friend to permanently end our relationship?" She said to him she had feelings for him for a while. I broke up with her first and tried to do NC. But she called and tried to resume contact as if no argument happened. But I was really mean to her and when she said we shouldn't talk or see each other anymore, let's just end it. My response was "okay whatever." I was such an @$$
sultry33 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 After my ex dumped me for good, and I went crazy and tried to commit suicide. I finally did NC for a month before she broke it one midnight I was driving home with friends from a party. She called me to tell me she is dating my close friend. I had a massive break down in front of my friends. I guess that was her way of telling me she really hates my guts, and there is absolutely no hope for us in the future. The question that still bothers me, even though I should be over it is..."Did she hook up with my friend to permanently end our relationship?" I was such an @$$ And so was she wow:eek: for whatever reason you broke up calling you and telling you she was with your friend, well thats just not on. I think you have had a lucky escape.
sultry33 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I mean think about it. You spend all this time and share wonderful memories, how is it they can forget about you like that, so abruptly? Is it a front or have they really erased you from their memory, and their life? Do people really change that drastically? Even if there is another person involved (rebound), isn't the absense of the person that has been there day in and day out and spoke to every single day and once loved enough to make them notice that they may have lost that person for good? Do dumpers question themselves? I don't know, I'm just curious if anyone else is wondering the same thing. Ive been on both sides.. when i was the dumper id already left the rs before i ended it therefore it was easier.. Memories dont go and yes id feel bad but it was something I had to do. Being the dumped hurts like hell and its natural to have this question.. just think though that even if they do think about you.. which they will as there are triggers..memorys etc it does not mean they will come back.. they left they choose too.. concentrate on what to do when they pop in your head:)
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 After my ex dumped me for good, and I went crazy and tried to commit suicide. I finally did NC for a month before she broke it one midnight I was driving home with friends from a party. She called me to tell me she is dating my close friend. I had a massive break down in front of my friends. I guess that was her way of telling me she really hates my guts, and there is absolutely no hope for us in the future. The question that still bothers me, even though I should be over it is..."Did she hook up with my friend to permanently end our relationship?" She said to him she had feelings for him for a while. I broke up with her first and tried to do NC. But she called and tried to resume contact as if no argument happened. But I was really mean to her and when she said we shouldn't talk or see each other anymore, let's just end it. My response was "okay whatever." I was such an @$$ That's terrible, why would she even call to tell you? It was like she was trying to hurt you on purpose. And what a SH**Y friend! Gosh what is wrong with people now a days? Where are you karma?
Wesker Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 The best explanation I can find is this: When someone dumps you, they've thought about it a while, and it's like pulling a trigger. You hesitate and you think heavily about it before you pull it because once you do that damage will be done. There's major risk involved. If they can pull the trigger to cause you pain, it's because they've thought long and hard and don't care about hurting you and losing you, or they've gone bananas.. That's an excellent analogy. What gets me is that they seem to put so much effort/time into crushing your heart, yet nothing into even trying to work things out. Like they completely quit on you.
shortee143 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 That's an excellent analogy. What gets me is that they seem to put so much effort/time into crushing your heart, yet nothing into even trying to work things out. Like they completely quit on you. SO true. The last few months my ex had made this breakup so painful and hard for me. I just wish he coulda at least talked to me about what was wrong, or put some energy into trying, rather than just quitting without reason. I def feel the same way here....I can understand if the relationship was abusive or volatile, but when 2 people are seemingly getting along just fine, how can they just quit, and act so insensitive...but they cant at least talk about what is wrong or try? Ugh. yes there are billions of people on this planet, and lots of opportunities to date, but once u have something with someone, I think it is a damn shame to just up and quit without reason, and without at least talking to your partner. Geesh.
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 SO true. The last few months my ex had made this breakup so painful and hard for me. I just wish he coulda at least talked to me about what was wrong, or put some energy into trying, rather than just quitting without reason. I def feel the same way here....I can understand if the relationship was abusive or volatile, but when 2 people are seemingly getting along just fine, how can they just quit, and act so insensitive...but they cant at least talk about what is wrong or try? Ugh. yes there are billions of people on this planet, and lots of opportunities to date, but once u have something with someone, I think it is a damn shame to just up and quit without reason, and without at least talking to your partner. Geesh. That's what I'm saying Shortee!
Treble Clef Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I'm asking myself this question every day. It really bothers me. Doing my best not to check his facebook. Fat chance I'm going to see a status update saying he made a mistake and he can't live without me. Though I'm probably as much to blame for causing things to turn out this way. He cheated once, and though I believe him when he said he was drunk I never got over it. Even though we did have a lot of good things after then which (in retrospect) I think made up for it, I couldn't forgive him cos I was still angry and hurt and never let him forget it when we fought about anything. The distance made it worse. I think if we were both in the same place things we would have eventually solved things. Just the start of this year we were making all kinds of plans and promises, but did I screw our chances when I decided to spend the summer at school instead of going home? And to think.....just the week before he told me I had decided to leave the past behind for good. I hadn't seen him for 2 weeks and was looking forward to a skype/gchat. And then I got dumped. Maybe I deserve to be the one dumped after all the things I didn't do. Too little too late.
0hpenelope Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 SO true. The last few months my ex had made this breakup so painful and hard for me. I just wish he coulda at least talked to me about what was wrong, or put some energy into trying, rather than just quitting without reason. I def feel the same way here....I can understand if the relationship was abusive or volatile, but when 2 people are seemingly getting along just fine, how can they just quit, and act so insensitive...but they cant at least talk about what is wrong or try? Ugh. yes there are billions of people on this planet, and lots of opportunities to date, but once u have something with someone, I think it is a damn shame to just up and quit without reason, and without at least talking to your partner. Geesh. I'd take that as my motivation to move on. My ex doesn't see me as valuable, so the less time I waste on him, the better for my healing. I mean, since your guy sees you this way, do your best to not allow his opinion to devalue you. One of my turning points in the recovery process is realizing that his friends are high priority to him. They are so important to him, to the level where I felt like I will "never" be enough for him. Kind of like, if we were in our 50's and married, he'll still be chatting with them on the phone as I lie there trying to sleep. I'm not saying that he shouldn't have friends at all - quite the opposite and I remember thinking how lucky he was to still have such long-term, stable friendships in his life - but honestly... Time with them >>>>>>>>>> time with me. So it's a good thing that we broke up. He won't hurt me anymore in that way and hopefully, he'll treat his new girlfriend (I don't know what's going on with him, but a new girl is inevitable in time) much better than he treated me. I'm digressing, though. I've also learned from experience that when an ex who broke up with me thinks of me, it's mainly out of guilt. I abide by this as a 'dumper': I made my bed, so I must lay in it. Those exes that want the break up? They should do the same.
shortee143 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I'd take that as my motivation to move on. My ex doesn't see me as valuable, so the less time I waste on him, the better for my healing. I mean, since your guy sees you this way, do your best to not allow his opinion to devalue you. One of my turning points in the recovery process is realizing that his friends are high priority to him. They are so important to him, to the level where I felt like I will "never" be enough for him. Kind of like, if we were in our 50's and married, he'll still be chatting with them on the phone as I lie there trying to sleep. I'm not saying that he shouldn't have friends at all - quite the opposite and I remember thinking how lucky he was to still have such long-term, stable friendships in his life - but honestly... Time with them >>>>>>>>>> time with me. So it's a good thing that we broke up. He won't hurt me anymore in that way and hopefully, he'll treat his new girlfriend (I don't know what's going on with him, but a new girl is inevitable in time) much better than he treated me. I'm digressing, though. I've also learned from experience that when an ex who broke up with me thinks of me, it's mainly out of guilt. I abide by this as a 'dumper': I made my bed, so I must lay in it. Those exes that want the break up? They should do the same. Exactly- it does need to be motivation to keep moving on. If someone doesnt value you, or see you as a priority..then you needa kick them off that pedestal. It is tough but it for sue hurts to feel like I mean nothing, afterall, I am still human, with feelings! In your case, great heh as friends, but you wanna know he values you too, so when he doesn't, you know you deserve better, even if it hurts. I don't know that my ex made me a priority too much Facing the facts, the truth, not living in delusional la la land....that's the tough part bc I miss the person he was, but then I realize too, I am not being honest with myself! Glad you say you learned some things from you experience, that is the least we can all hope to do!
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 SO true. The last few months my ex had made this breakup so painful and hard for me. I just wish he coulda at least talked to me about what was wrong, or put some energy into trying, rather than just quitting without reason. I def feel the same way here....I can understand if the relationship was abusive or volatile, but when 2 people are seemingly getting along just fine, how can they just quit, and act so insensitive...but they cant at least talk about what is wrong or try? Ugh. yes there are billions of people on this planet, and lots of opportunities to date, but once u have something with someone, I think it is a damn shame to just up and quit without reason, and without at least talking to your partner. Geesh. This is what I don't get. It's almost like they're angry with us, and when we ask to talk things through properly they flip out 'Oh just leave it, I've said what I've had to say' What the hell? Why do they act so angry? Like we don't have a right to know why we've been dumped :/
RuinedLife Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 That's an excellent analogy. What gets me is that they seem to put so much effort/time into crushing your heart, yet nothing into even trying to work things out. Like they completely quit on you. SO true. The last few months my ex had made this breakup so painful and hard for me. I just wish he coulda at least talked to me about what was wrong, or put some energy into trying, rather than just quitting without reason. I def feel the same way here....I can understand if the relationship was abusive or volatile, but when 2 people are seemingly getting along just fine, how can they just quit, and act so insensitive...but they cant at least talk about what is wrong or try? Ugh. yes there are billions of people on this planet, and lots of opportunities to date, but once u have something with someone, I think it is a damn shame to just up and quit without reason, and without at least talking to your partner. Geesh. Yes I also think its a real shame that me and my ex couldn't have worked through our issues. We did have a big argument at the end that lead to the break up, but I apologized best I could and tried everything I could to try and get him to at least talk through the issue and work things out. But he'd rather give up on me all together and that really hurts. Makes me feel like if I'm not worth the effort, then I must be really worthless.
Emilia Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 funny -- i got dumped because apparently i was too self-aware for the ex's comfort. he even said that it made him feel like he couldn't be himself around me. i'm not sure how to even attempt to wrap my head around that logic . clearly it's the sign of someone who's not very secure with themselves. same can be said of your ex GivenUp. if she's that transparent that she can pull the whole "i love you" routine without actually meaning it then she clearly doesn't know herself. chances are she'll go from one guy to the next - - hoping one of them will give her the sense of identity she lacks. That means you were never relaxed around him and in turn he could never relax with you because your nerves rubbed off on him Quite possibly also means you are very aware of the image you project to other people and he didn't feel he could show the person he really was
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I've been made to feel worthless too, having a bad day, feel sick, the tears just keep falling. How can one person have such an impact on my life
RuinedLife Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I've been made to feel worthless too, having a bad day, feel sick, the tears just keep falling. How can one person have such an impact on my life Yes its like a horrible form of torture isn't it? But we have to try and remember that we're not worthless, and that it will take time to recover, but that we can recover and come out stronger... well hopefully, we have to keep striving for that. I used to tell my ex that I feared he would one day break my heart and he used to play a sound with the lyrics "Honest to god I will break your heart, tare you to pieces and rip you apart" or something like that and it always freaked me out... And now its happened. He broke my heart. But he has no idea how heartbroken I really am I don't think, no idea how much pain he's put me through, how much pain I've put myself through because of my stupid insecurities.
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Yes its like a horrible form of torture isn't it? But we have to try and remember that we're not worthless, and that it will take time to recover, but that we can recover and come out stronger... well hopefully, we have to keep striving for that. I used to tell my ex that I feared he would one day break my heart and he used to play a sound with the lyrics "Honest to god I will break your heart, tare you to pieces and rip you apart" or something like that and it always freaked me out... And now its happened. He broke my heart. But he has no idea how heartbroken I really am I don't think, no idea how much pain he's put me through, how much pain I've put myself through because of my stupid insecurities. I hope so too. I hope this doesn't put me off falling in love again, which I'm scared it has. The whole situation has scared me. It's like she woke up one day and changed, just like that! Makes me feel sick thinking about it. I opened up to her, she knew that I was hurt in the past and she promised me that she would never ever hurt me, and if our relationship were to end, it would end on a good note. Yeah right! She know's how much she's hurt me and is still finding ways to rub my nose in it, it's like she hates me. 1
amethyste Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 ^^ Scared of the same thing. I 100% trusted my ex, and then he left. What if the next one will leave too?
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Maybe he wont, maybe next time you'll be the 'Heart breaker' I just want my brain to switch off
amethyste Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I just want my brain to switch off I want "some" amnesia! Amnesia FTW! :lmao:
TaintedHeart Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 They should bottle it and sell it to people like us, Ha!
Green21 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 A part of me wishes that I knew the answer to this question. My ex left me suddenly despite telling me that I was the only one for her; that she felt like the luckiest girl in the world; that she'd never felt so strongly about anyone else before; that she would be with me for the rest of our lives. Yet, since she called me to end things, I've not had any contact from her whatsoever. How could she possibly tell me all those things one minute, then the next make it seem as if I'd never existed? The more rational part of me knows better than to try and answer this. If she misses me then so be it, but that's not going to bring her back. Just thinking about this question and trying to solve it would only bring more heartache and suffering to me. It's not going to affect her; it's not going to make her come back. So thinking about this question would only make one feel worse.
archivist Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 They do miss you and they do go through "what if". But if they are mature about it they won't be contacting you or telling you that because it will set you back or give you false hope.
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 This is exactly what I'm talking about. You go from just a few weeks or maybe even days ago of I love you, and I'm so lucky to have you, laughing and sharing lives to "Oh, it's just not working out". WTF? It's kinda sick to me. People can switch their emotions that quickly? After years with that person and how much effort and love you put in, they can just walk away? I don't know about anyone else but if I knew someone loved me that much I wouldn't be so harsh. I would sympathize as this was someone I shared my life with and loved at one time. I would have atleast given them the effort of trying. I've been there, tempted by another but I never even once thought about betraying the one I love. I guess when you have someone else in the works you just become so selfish and all you can think about is wanting that new shiny peice of a$$. 1
carhill Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Do the dumpers ever miss/think about the dumpees? Ever? Sure. That's an absolute that few could abandon totally, as in saying 'never'. Do such thoughts impel regret, second thoughts or emotions of care? Variable. I've yet to see any substantive signs in women I've known, whether as friends or lovers, but recognize those data points are exceedingly tiny in scope. I chronicled the process of disconnection in MC, bringing it down to the 'one day at a time' concept and described accurately what those feelings were like, until, at some point the boundaries had been breached once too often and I was done. At that moment, the perspective might have seemed 'cold', but the process of getting there was anything but; I likened it to grieving a death. At some point, one accepts the death and moves on. This process must be fairly transparent since most women don't hang around once I get to boundary enforcement. My exW was more emotionally distant so she didn't react to that information until well down the road. A question I often ask myself is who really 'dumps' who? Since none of us is perfect, I believe we each contribute to the 'end' if that is the result of our words and actions, which are dependent on our unique and individual perspectives. Maybe it's better to accept the end and just go on. One potential.
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