CaliBabe Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I mean think about it. You spend all this time and share wonderful memories, how is it they can forget about you like that, so abruptly? Is it a front or have they really erased you from their memory, and their life? Do people really change that drastically? Even if there is another person involved (rebound), isn't the absense of the person that has been there day in and day out and spoke to every single day and once loved enough to make them notice that they may have lost that person for good? Do dumpers question themselves? I don't know, I'm just curious if anyone else is wondering the same thing.
TaintedHeart Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I wonder about this everyday, I really dont know how they can wipe away the relationship so quickly, like it's no big deal. I feel stupid when I cry because I know that not one tear is being shed for me.
GivenUp0083 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I did wonder the same thing. My ex would text me every morning when she woke up and call me every night before bed. She always talked about missing me despite seeing her 5 days a week at least. Then she just dropped me out of nowhere. I think people's feelings can change faster than others. I also think some people have heavy influence on others that can change their thinking or make them temporarily nuts. The best explanation I can find is this: When someone dumps you, they've thought about it a while, and it's like pulling a trigger. You hesitate and you think heavily about it before you pull it because once you do that damage will be done. There's major risk involved. If they can pull the trigger to cause you pain, it's because they've thought long and hard and don't care about hurting you and losing you, or they've gone bananas. Unfortunately for me, my ex could play the "I love you" role very well despite not really feeling that way for me. Doing certain things for me and telling me how she felt (lies) were part of the act. That's just how she acts with every guy she's with, it wasn't special to me like I had initially believed. Some people can do that. I don't know how, I could never pretend to love someone or make certain commitments or make sacrifices for someone I wasn't crazy about....but the truth is some people can. I just tell myself that I'm above that behavior and that someday I'll meet a girl who sees the value in a guy like me who stays true to himself. I say what I mean, I do what I say. Not everyone is like that.
radiodarcy Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I just tell myself that I'm above that behavior and that someday I'll meet a girl who sees the value in a guy like me who stays true to himself. I say what I mean, I do what I say. Not everyone is like that. funny -- i got dumped because apparently i was too self-aware for the ex's comfort. he even said that it made him feel like he couldn't be himself around me. i'm not sure how to even attempt to wrap my head around that logic . clearly it's the sign of someone who's not very secure with themselves. same can be said of your ex GivenUp. if she's that transparent that she can pull the whole "i love you" routine without actually meaning it then she clearly doesn't know herself. chances are she'll go from one guy to the next - - hoping one of them will give her the sense of identity she lacks.
radiodarcy Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 i used to wonder about this. but i stopped. doesn't matter why he changed or how. all that matters is that he's moved on and as much as it hurts i need to focus on doing the same. some dumpers do it because they really feel that they have changed. others do it as a way to maybe engineer a change that they feel needs to take place - but they're not quite sure what it is. perhaps the latter do come to question their decision down the line but there's no guarantee that they will.
Mnesic Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I mean think about it. You spend all this time and share wonderful memories, how is it they can forget about you like that, so abruptly? Is it a front or have they really erased you from their memory, and their life? Do people really change that drastically? Even if there is another person involved (rebound), isn't the absense of the person that has been there day in and day out and spoke to every single day and once loved enough to make them notice that they may have lost that person for good? Do dumpers question themselves? I don't know, I'm just curious if anyone else is wondering the same thing. IF you give them the chance to miss you and regret what they did ( STAY NC) , In some cases it could be G.I.G.S http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=247013&page=1 But even then no one could forget so easily even if they rebound onto another person, you probably know of the 'No Contact Rule' , and that's your best tool. I disappeared off the face of the planet to my ex after she started sleeping with this new guy and shes been contacting me but I've kept hardcore NC. If your ex end up rebounding on someone you should read this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t287018/.
TaintedHeart Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 My ex is acting like I deprived her of life and she's acting like she's 18 again, she's trying to re-live 'The old days' as she calls them, but her friends have moved on, they have jobs, kids, houses ect. She wants to be the 'Old' her and she really believes that shes back there, I pity her
Author CaliBabe Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 I wonder about this everyday, I really dont know how they can wipe away the relationship so quickly, like it's no big deal. I feel stupid when I cry because I know that not one tear is being shed for me. I feel just like that. I feel so stupid for being hurt and crying and being emotional when I KNOW he is not even giving second thought to how he hurt me. It's a horrible feeling.
Author CaliBabe Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 I did wonder the same thing. My ex would text me every morning when she woke up and call me every night before bed. She always talked about missing me despite seeing her 5 days a week at least. Then she just dropped me out of nowhere. I think people's feelings can change faster than others. I also think some people have heavy influence on others that can change their thinking or make them temporarily nuts. The best explanation I can find is this: When someone dumps you, they've thought about it a while, and it's like pulling a trigger. You hesitate and you think heavily about it before you pull it because once you do that damage will be done. There's major risk involved. If they can pull the trigger to cause you pain, it's because they've thought long and hard and don't care about hurting you and losing you, or they've gone bananas. Unfortunately for me, my ex could play the "I love you" role very well despite not really feeling that way for me. Doing certain things for me and telling me how she felt (lies) were part of the act. That's just how she acts with every guy she's with, it wasn't special to me like I had initially believed. Some people can do that. I don't know how, I could never pretend to love someone or make certain commitments or make sacrifices for someone I wasn't crazy about....but the truth is some people can. I just tell myself that I'm above that behavior and that someday I'll meet a girl who sees the value in a guy like me who stays true to himself. I say what I mean, I do what I say. Not everyone is like that. Wow, your explanation of pulling a trigger is so spot on. That is such a great way to compare it. They probably were thinking about it for awhile and they don't care about hurting or losing you... So why the heck am I here giving a damn? They didn't care about me! Wow... totally made me realize.
TaintedHeart Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 It is horrible! How can they be so cold? I know if I ended the relationship I'd still be decent and text to ask how she's doing just to let ler know that our relationship wasn't a waste of time and that I still care about her well being. I sometimes wish I was selfish and heartless. Must be easy for them. 1
Author CaliBabe Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 It is horrible! How can they be so cold? I know if I ended the relationship I'd still be decent and text to ask how she's doing just to let ler know that our relationship wasn't a waste of time and that I still care about her well being. I sometimes wish I was selfish and heartless. Must be easy for them. Amen to that. Must be an easy life being selfish and heartless!
lovesickmonkey Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Unfortunately for me, my ex could play the "I love you" role very well despite not really feeling that way for me. Doing certain things for me and telling me how she felt (lies) were part of the act. That's just how she acts with every guy she's with, it wasn't special to me like I had initially believed. Some people can do that. I don't know how, I could never pretend to love someone or make certain commitments or make sacrifices for someone I wasn't crazy about....but the truth is some people can. TRUE! Or at least, that's what I've come to believe as well. Saying I love you over and over to me. I think she meant it one way, and I heard it another. But it cost her nothing in the end and she was able to walk out the door at the last second and see no conflict.
SugarLily Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 YES YES YES! I've 'dumped' a few people - and I still think about them, even now. In some respects I actually think it is harder for the 'dumper' than the 'dumpees' - If you dump someone, you have the responsibility of knowing that you made that decision. So in retrospect, you are going to be very aware that whatever you are feeling towards your ex (i.e. missing them) is entirely a consequence of your behaviour. In contrast, if you are a 'dumpee' - there is some comfort to be found in knowing that you are not directly responsible for the circumstances in which you find yourself. Whatever you think in retrospect is irrelevant - because your boyfriend/girlfriend left YOU. You didn't walk away. This eliminates the 'what ifs' that the 'dumper' will have forever. My last boyfriend 'dumped' me and i'm finding it much easier to move forwards knowing that he has the responsibility of making that decision. Hope this helped. x x x
fallenenvy Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 YES YES YES! I've 'dumped' a few people - and I still think about them, even now. In some respects I actually think it is harder for the 'dumper' than the 'dumpees' - If you dump someone, you have the responsibility of knowing that you made that decision. So in retrospect, you are going to be very aware that whatever you are feeling towards your ex (i.e. missing them) is entirely a consequence of your behaviour. In contrast, if you are a 'dumpee' - there is some comfort to be found in knowing that you are not directly responsible for the circumstances in which you find yourself. Whatever you think in retrospect is irrelevant - because your boyfriend/girlfriend left YOU. You didn't walk away. This eliminates the 'what ifs' that the 'dumper' will have forever. My last boyfriend 'dumped' me and i'm finding it much easier to move forwards knowing that he has the responsibility of making that decision. Hope this helped. x x x Sugar you hit the nail on the head. Ive only ever left one man and it was very hard. he is a good guy.. great even.. but he has a temper and is too immature. Now its been almost 2 years...he still lives with me.. and so does the guy i starting seeing after her. We make it work and its fine. but from time to time i see how lonely he is and it kills me.... For months after i dumped him i felt horrible.. guilty... wondered if i did the right thing.. sometimes.. rarely.. still wonder... My bf is amazing.. really. but that guy and i went through a lot together...5 years of memories don't go away over night... Seriously tho people don't hate on people for dumping someone. In the end you have to do what is right by you... you can't stay in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt the other person.... Granted it sucks getting dumped.. i know that feeling too all too well. but honestly id rather be dumped than do the dumping... it hurts worse ~Fallen Envy
Author CaliBabe Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Sugar you hit the nail on the head. Ive only ever left one man and it was very hard. he is a good guy.. great even.. but he has a temper and is too immature. Now its been almost 2 years...he still lives with me.. and so does the guy i starting seeing after her. We make it work and its fine. but from time to time i see how lonely he is and it kills me.... For months after i dumped him i felt horrible.. guilty... wondered if i did the right thing.. sometimes.. rarely.. still wonder... My bf is amazing.. really. but that guy and i went through a lot together...5 years of memories don't go away over night... Seriously tho people don't hate on people for dumping someone. In the end you have to do what is right by you... you can't stay in a relationship just because you don't want to hurt the other person.... Granted it sucks getting dumped.. i know that feeling too all too well. but honestly id rather be dumped than do the dumping... it hurts worse ~Fallen Envy Wow, it's really interesting to get the perspective of the dumper. It seems like they don't care but there are the instances where the dumper can feel guilty. Out of curiosity, did you Sugar and FallenEnvy go NC on your dumpee?
TaintedHeart Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I see your points, it must be hard for 'Some' 'Dumpers' but for some it comes so easy, they move on so quickly, like they're some sort of robot that can switch off their feelings and delete their memories
GivenUp0083 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Wow, your explanation of pulling a trigger is so spot on. That is such a great way to compare it. They probably were thinking about it for awhile and they don't care about hurting or losing you... So why the heck am I here giving a damn? They didn't care about me! Wow... totally made me realize. Exactly. If you love someone, you can't even fathom breaking up with them. You'd be too afraid to lose them. If they broke up with you, they knew the risk of losing all contact with you for the rest of their life yet they did it anyway. They pulled a trigger that you and I could not. Wow, it's really interesting to get the perspective of the dumper. It seems like they don't care but there are the instances where the dumper can feel guilty. Out of curiosity, did you Sugar and FallenEnvy go NC on your dumpee? I went NC immediately and it helped. My ex broke NC a month later via gchat and text msg, I played along a little bit but realized she was just trying to relieve her guilt and be "friends" which I gave her no part of. Last thing she said to me was that she was going to "give me more time to heal". As if she thinks that in the future I'll want to be friends. She doesn't realize that there's no way I'd be her friend, but it's not up to me to tell her. She'll find that out eventually when she can't get a response out of me.
amethyste Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) How can we know? Most of us are the dumpees We don't know what's in their head; most of us don't even know why we've been dumped... so we don't know if they miss us. As I always say, the dumpers move on long ago before letting the dumpee know it's over. For them it's easy because they get into a point where they can say you "bye bye" without any resentment. They've made a decision and they are just waiting for the proper moment to break it up with you. Also, I doubt they care about the consequences, responsabilities & so on. LE - I doubt they will forget us. They won't. But if they'll ever miss us... I can't tell. Sometimes I imagine going to my ex in 5 or 10 years by now and ask him if he has ever missed me. *sigh* Edited July 12, 2011 by amethyste
Author CaliBabe Posted July 12, 2011 Author Posted July 12, 2011 Exactly. If you love someone, you can't even fathom breaking up with them. You'd be too afraid to lose them. If they broke up with you, they knew the risk of losing all contact with you for the rest of their life yet they did it anyway. They pulled a trigger that you and I could not. I went NC immediately and it helped. My ex broke NC a month later via gchat and text msg, I played along a little bit but realized she was just trying to relieve her guilt and be "friends" which I gave her no part of. Last thing she said to me was that she was going to "give me more time to heal". As if she thinks that in the future I'll want to be friends. She doesn't realize that there's no way I'd be her friend, but it's not up to me to tell her. She'll find that out eventually when she can't get a response out of me. Good for you GivenUp0083. So she just sent you a random friendly message? Do you think she was trying to see if she could have you again or she was trying to make herself feel less guilty? And contact since then?
GivenUp0083 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) Good for you GivenUp0083. So she just sent you a random friendly message? Do you think she was trying to see if she could have you again or she was trying to make herself feel less guilty? And contact since then? Last contact was around early June. I had played along and it got to the point where she says to me "so what is it that YOU want to talk to me about?". I say "nothing, you're the one chatting up me, I'm just asking why?" Then she tells me she just wanted to be friends and she wasn't trying to get at anything else and wasn't trying to send mixed signals. So yeah, once I realized she didn't have anything substantial to talk to me about, I realized I was fool and went right back to NC. Now, my good friend was dating her best friend and she dumped him as well for "similar" reasons. Yet he stayed friends with her. That's fine, I warned him, I told him it'll bite him later. Sure enough, she keeps changing her mind, telling him one minute she wants to try again, then ignoring him over 4th of july holiday, then coming back apologizing wanting to give it a shot again. I say just cut off contact and be done with it. Time moves slow at first, but you WILL get over it. Find something to focus on to improve yourself. I lost 30 lb ins 2.5 months working out and eating differently. It's made a huge impact on my life and I get compliments left and right from people now. It's great, I look great, I feel great. It's nice going to the store to buy clothes and you can tell the clerk you are buying all these pants because you lost weight. Also, spend time with friends. If you have good friends, tell them you need them to distract them, vent to them instead of venting to your ex (your ex doesn't deserve contact from you). Get it out of your system, have fun, spend time with family, do fun things. You'll forget your pain soon enough. Use the pain to motivate yourself to becoming a better version of yourself. Edited July 12, 2011 by GivenUp0083
0hpenelope Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I mean think about it. You spend all this time and share wonderful memories, how is it they can forget about you like that, so abruptly? Is it a front or have they really erased you from their memory, and their life? Do people really change that drastically? Even if there is another person involved (rebound), isn't the absense of the person that has been there day in and day out and spoke to every single day and once loved enough to make them notice that they may have lost that person for good? Do dumpers question themselves? I don't know, I'm just curious if anyone else is wondering the same thing. So it looks like we have a few people who initiated previous break ups saying "Yes." I think you should take a look at your situation, CaliBabe. If you've done good things for your ex, then he'll miss you. Every relationship has bad stuff and if he takes into account only the bad things that happened, that's not the kind of guy you would want to be with anyway. I've never seen a relationship - any relationship, friendship, etc. - that didn't take work. When I've been the one to initiate the break up, I don't miss or think about that ex. I feel guilty sure, but I want that break up so I'll want to move on right away - and by moving on, I don't mean with a new significant other. So I'm the kind of 'dumper' that no one on the LS boards wants to have as an ex. My opinion is my ex that initiated the dump doesn't miss me. In this scenario, I let my avoidant tendencies have at it. I will never force my presence on someone who doesn't want me around. I have standards, darn it!
gothowitz Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 I formally ended my relationship with my ex after he ignored my efforts to communicate with him for one straight week after we went away together. Story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=286288 Do I miss him? Yes, but I know that my dumping him was something I had to do for myself. He took me for granted quite a bit when we were together, and because I loved him, I thought that things were gonna change the longer we stayed a couple. I thought that he'd recognize my value if I continued on doing things for him that would make him feel appreciated and taken care of. Did I think about breaking up with him long before I actually did? No. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect, but we never fought and enjoyed spending time together. But yesterday, I guess I just got to the "enough is enough" point and decided to pull the trigger. I've had people close to me say that his ignoring and avoiding me now was a preview of what our life would be if we ended up together in the future. I'm not going to deny that sometimes, there's a little part of me that hopes that he'd apologize and attempt a reconciliation from me. A day after I broke up with him (which had been a week since he began ignoring me), he told me that he "just needed some space." I don't know if that's his way of saying that he thinks breaking up's the right decision, or whether it's his way of saying, "No, my silence didn't necessarily mean that I don't want to be with you anymore. I just need time to be alone for now." But the rational side of me knows that ending things was the wisest decision I could've made given the circumstances. He didn't take my feelings into account when he avoided me, and now it's my turn to be taken care of by me.
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Last contact was around early June. I had played along and it got to the point where she says to me "so what is it that YOU want to talk to me about?". I say "nothing, you're the one chatting up me, I'm just asking why?" Then she tells me she just wanted to be friends and she wasn't trying to get at anything else and wasn't trying to send mixed signals. So yeah, once I realized she didn't have anything substantial to talk to me about, I realized I was fool and went right back to NC. Now, my good friend was dating her best friend and she dumped him as well for "similar" reasons. Yet he stayed friends with her. That's fine, I warned him, I told him it'll bite him later. Sure enough, she keeps changing her mind, telling him one minute she wants to try again, then ignoring him over 4th of july holiday, then coming back apologizing wanting to give it a shot again. I say just cut off contact and be done with it. Time moves slow at first, but you WILL get over it. Find something to focus on to improve yourself. I lost 30 lb ins 2.5 months working out and eating differently. It's made a huge impact on my life and I get compliments left and right from people now. It's great, I look great, I feel great. It's nice going to the store to buy clothes and you can tell the clerk you are buying all these pants because you lost weight. Also, spend time with friends. If you have good friends, tell them you need them to distract them, vent to them instead of venting to your ex (your ex doesn't deserve contact from you). Get it out of your system, have fun, spend time with family, do fun things. You'll forget your pain soon enough. Use the pain to motivate yourself to becoming a better version of yourself. Whoohooo good for you given!
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Last contact was around early June. I had played along and it got to the point where she says to me "so what is it that YOU want to talk to me about?". I say "nothing, you're the one chatting up me, I'm just asking why?" Then she tells me she just wanted to be friends and she wasn't trying to get at anything else and wasn't trying to send mixed signals. So yeah, once I realized she didn't have anything substantial to talk to me about, I realized I was fool and went right back to NC. Now, my good friend was dating her best friend and she dumped him as well for "similar" reasons. Yet he stayed friends with her. That's fine, I warned him, I told him it'll bite him later. Sure enough, she keeps changing her mind, telling him one minute she wants to try again, then ignoring him over 4th of july holiday, then coming back apologizing wanting to give it a shot again. I say just cut off contact and be done with it. Time moves slow at first, but you WILL get over it. Find something to focus on to improve yourself. I lost 30 lb ins 2.5 months working out and eating differently. It's made a huge impact on my life and I get compliments left and right from people now. It's great, I look great, I feel great. It's nice going to the store to buy clothes and you can tell the clerk you are buying all these pants because you lost weight. Also, spend time with friends. If you have good friends, tell them you need them to distract them, vent to them instead of venting to your ex (your ex doesn't deserve contact from you). Get it out of your system, have fun, spend time with family, do fun things. You'll forget your pain soon enough. Use the pain to motivate yourself to becoming a better version of yourself. So it looks like we have a few people who initiated previous break ups saying "Yes." I think you should take a look at your situation, CaliBabe. If you've done good things for your ex, then he'll miss you. Every relationship has bad stuff and if he takes into account only the bad things that happened, that's not the kind of guy you would want to be with anyway. I've never seen a relationship - any relationship, friendship, etc. - that didn't take work. When I've been the one to initiate the break up, I don't miss or think about that ex. I feel guilty sure, but I want that break up so I'll want to move on right away - and by moving on, I don't mean with a new significant other. So I'm the kind of 'dumper' that no one on the LS boards wants to have as an ex. My opinion is my ex that initiated the dump doesn't miss me. In this scenario, I let my avoidant tendencies have at it. I will never force my presence on someone who doesn't want me around. I have standards, darn it! You make some really valid points 0hpenelope. I was very good to him, I was his first real relationship so he doesn't know that all relationships take work, there will be good and bad but most importantly there needs to be good communication. I have had breakups and heartache. He has not. I was so good to him which is why I am so hurt.
Author CaliBabe Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 I formally ended my relationship with my ex after he ignored my efforts to communicate with him for one straight week after we went away together. Story here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=286288 Do I miss him? Yes, but I know that my dumping him was something I had to do for myself. He took me for granted quite a bit when we were together, and because I loved him, I thought that things were gonna change the longer we stayed a couple. I thought that he'd recognize my value if I continued on doing things for him that would make him feel appreciated and taken care of. Did I think about breaking up with him long before I actually did? No. I knew our relationship wasn't perfect, but we never fought and enjoyed spending time together. But yesterday, I guess I just got to the "enough is enough" point and decided to pull the trigger. I've had people close to me say that his ignoring and avoiding me now was a preview of what our life would be if we ended up together in the future. I'm not going to deny that sometimes, there's a little part of me that hopes that he'd apologize and attempt a reconciliation from me. A day after I broke up with him (which had been a week since he began ignoring me), he told me that he "just needed some space." I don't know if that's his way of saying that he thinks breaking up's the right decision, or whether it's his way of saying, "No, my silence didn't necessarily mean that I don't want to be with you anymore. I just need time to be alone for now." But the rational side of me knows that ending things was the wisest decision I could've made given the circumstances. He didn't take my feelings into account when he avoided me, and now it's my turn to be taken care of by me. gothowitz, do you think this is it? the end? or do you think this is something you two will eventually work through?
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