I can barely function from the pain of this breakup. What do I do?

July 12, 2011

My boyfriend of three years(friends for seven) broke up with me once again. Its been a month and I've contacted him twice. Most recently because he owes me money and he hasn't really gotten back to me, and before that to plead with him to fix things. I don't even know where to begin because I can't just focus one issue that brought about our demise.

I just can't function lately, I'm constantly plagued by this feeling of abandonment and painful sadness. My friends have stopped talking to me because all I do is obsess over this break up. "Man up", " you deserve better", I've heard it all and I've seen a therapist with no success. I look constantly miserable.

I believe the root of the problem basically comes down to is I just cant believe I was the most amazing person to him and he just one day over a minor disagreement packed up his stuff and left my apartment. You have no idea how much I invested into this relationship. I constantly financially supported him, was always extremely supportive. Our relationship can be described by saying we were either extremely in happy with each other or unhappy. Never on my side since I tried to always reason with him. Many would say he was emotionally abusive with me, but I was always willing to overlook that because he helped me move away from my abusive parents. In the end we broke up a month ago over a minor disagreement (I was sunburned and wanted to stay home and rest) and he just packed up his stuff and left.

A few of his final words to me were, 'I just dont find spineless women attractive, you're too sensitive and emotional.'' You let everyone take advantage of you, including me by being too nice','You very obviously love me, but to me this was just a stupid relationship-move on'

Now he's 28 dating a 19 yr old. He seems to be completely indifferent and removed me from his life. He even asked me to not talk to our mutual friends anymore (albeit originally his). The saddest bit about this is he was such an amazing friend to me before out relationship, I miss him despite everything he did to me? I don't know whats wrong with me.

I just cant cope with how cruel life is being to me right now.

Edited July 12, 2011 by Persephonexx

July 12, 2011

Persephonexx, I am on the same boat babe. Be strong. These moments are what is going to shape your character and emotional strength. It will eventually get easier with time. What I am doing is trying to better myself. I am trying to get into better shape, have my own hobbies and try to find something I am passionate about. When the day comes when you two meet again you will be a completely different person. I know my words don't mask your pain but I hope it has helped give you some insight.

July 12, 2011

Cali girl, I'm sorry you are going through the same thing. Please feel free to PM and rant any time. Im glad your coping healthily. I'm trying to put effort into moving on but I dont even want to get out of bed or leave my room for that matter.

I read your story on a thread in this board and I can honestly say you sounds like a nice girl and its his loss.

July 12, 2011

Persephone (Lovely name by the way). The biggest issue here is your low self esteem. It's is VERY important you go and see a Therapist as quickly as possible. Why? Besides the reasons I will outline below, this right here "Many would say he was emotionally abusive with me, but I was always willing to overlook that because he helped me move away from my abusive parents"

You have no self value or self worth. This relationship that you have just left was toxic. You replaced the toxic relationship you had with your family, with a relationship just as toxic with this man. A healthy relationship does dont involve regular ups and downs. It does not involve you being a door mat and him walking all over you. This must be hard for you to hear, but this man somewhere along the way has completely lost his respect for you.Trust me you should not want this man back, no matter how good friends you were before you got together. He will always view you as a doormat because you will always allow him too.

The problems you experienced in this relationship goes back to your past. I am no expert, but you could potentially be suffering from sort of personality disorder, but that is what Therapy is for. Until you resolve these issues relating to your past, trust me Persephone all your relatioships will be like the one above. TOXIC. Why? Because with the current opinion you have of yourself and by not dealing with your past you will continue to attract guys like your ex ("water seeks its own level"). I'm sorry if I sound harsh, I really am. No one deserves what has happened to you. It hurts when you have invested a lot into a relationship, only for it to be ended in such a cruel heartless fashion.

Persephone, no one on this site can help you. Only you can. I urge you to go to Therapy. If you can't afford Therapy then drop me a PM and we can look at the options you have in your area.

July 12, 2011

Your friends are right. Looking from the outside, no one who loves and cares for you would want you to be with someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive.

Why would you even contemplate fixing a relationship with someone who is cruel to you? We have this mentality that anything is better than nothing and we settle for so little when we can have abundance in our lives just by loving and caring for ourselves.

He didn't leave because of that small issue. That man checked out of your relationship a long time ago. It could have been several reasons that were brewing within himself. Change of feelings, out of love, found a new interest, was bored with the R, didn't want to be tied down anymore...etc. Who knows. It was not because you were sunburned and needed to rest. He was probably looking for a reason to up and go and that was his chance, lame as it may be but he was probably at the end of his rope. But you will never find the answers you need. What you need to accept is that he is gone and now you have to pick up the pieces.

The root of the problem as you say is that you can't believe you were this amazing and supportive person to him and with all that, he decides to leave? People will walk away when they don't need it anymore. You being amazing and supportive is who YOU are. But just because you give, he is not bound to reciprocate in terms of committing to you for a lifetime. To give is a choice. You can't use that as leverage nor can you use that as a guarantee that they will never leave. Expectations can bring you crashing down when they are not met. Next time, be careful to whom you give and how much you give. Wait to see what the other person has to offer and in turn your will be able to reciprocate in kind. It should never be one sided.

You were appreciative that he took you away from abusive parents but you were willing to overlook him being emotionally abusive to you? From frying pan into the fire. Where is the sense in that. One form of abuse is better than the other? Start rationalizing this. You were happy to be removed from your abusive parents but now you are fighting to go back to an abusive boyfriend?

'I just dont find spineless women attractive, you're too sensitive and emotional.'' You let everyone take advantage of you, including me by being too nice','You very obviously love me, but to me this was just a stupid relationship-move on'

Your self esteem is damaged. Even he is telling you that you are a doormat and that you let him walk all over you. It's not attractive to anyone. You really have to work on yourself. I don't know why you said the therapist is not working but you need to find one that fits you. I had to go through 5 before I found the one. What are you doing for yourself versus sitting and moping? Do you workout andif not, why not start a workout plan? Do you have hobbies? Do you have a cause that you are passionate about and would like to volunteer and help the unfortunate? Do you have friends to go out with? Do you have a class, maybe a learn a new language, something that will allow you to dive in and get distracted? What are you doing to fill that void within you?

You miss what you had with him. You miss that feeling of having someone that gave you those "feel good" feelings. You're romantisizing the good parts and holding on to that. And no matter what bad he did to you, you still have a loving attachment to him because that is just who you are. But it will fade as time goes by. But sitting and letting time go by won't help you unless you do something with that time.

Life is cruel. True. You have a choice though. You can choose to let a bad situation turn into a worse one. Or you can turn this bad situation into sign that you must start loving and caring for yourself first, before you do anyone else.

I came from an abusive family. Physically, verbally and emotionally. My ex was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. It can tear your self-esteem to shreds and leave you empty and dead inside. Find a good therapist. Try a few out. Don't pick one and say I'm done because it's not working for you. Start focusing on developing YOU. You know you're broken from what you've experienced as a child and into adulthood so you know you have a lot of work to be done. Knowing that you want to go back to an abusive relationship is a sign that you are prone to repeating the "this is all know" patterns. You must fight. You must not sit there and let another abusive person take over your life. I don't know how to make you see but what you are crying and pining over is nothing more than a manipulator. A cruel and heartless person who does not deserve you or any kind soul to cross his path. No one should treat you that way, especially someone whom you claim was a best friend. Best friends or lovers, past or present, sincere to the friendship and love that they had/have for you, will never treat you that way.

You must fight for yourself. No one else will.

July 12, 2011

Persephone sorry I missed the part in your thread where you say u saw a Therapist. Two things here. 1) If it's still not working in a few weeks, get a new Therapist 2) Have them focus about your past, your abandonment issues. For a few sessions forget your boyfriend ever existed...Going to Therapy and talking about your ex. It's not going to help you, as you pointed out above..

July 12, 2011

Your friends are right. Looking from the outside, no one who loves and cares for you would want you to be with someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive.

Why would you even contemplate fixing a relationship with someone who is cruel to you? We have this mentality that anything is better than nothing and we settle for so little when we can have abundance in our lives just by loving and caring for ourselves.

He didn't leave because of that small issue. That man checked out of your relationship a long time ago. It could have been several reasons that were brewing within himself. Change of feelings, out of love, found a new interest, was bored with the R, didn't want to be tied down anymore...etc. Who knows. It was not because you were sunburned and needed to rest. He was probably looking for a reason to up and go and that was his chance, lame as it may be but he was probably at the end of his rope. But you will never find the answers you need. What you need to accept is that he is gone and now you have to pick up the pieces.

The root of the problem as you say is that you can't believe you were this amazing and supportive person to him and with all that, he decides to leave? People will walk away when they don't need it anymore. You being amazing and supportive is who YOU are. But just because you give, he is not bound to reciprocate in terms of committing to you for a lifetime. To give is a choice. You can't use that as leverage nor can you use that as a guarantee that they will never leave. Expectations can bring you crashing down when they are not met. Next time, be careful to whom you give and how much you give. Wait to see what the other person has to offer and in turn your will be able to reciprocate in kind. It should never be one sided.

You were appreciative that he took you away from abusive parents but you were willing to overlook him being emotionally abusive to you? From frying pan into the fire. Where is the sense in that. One form of abuse is better than the other? Start rationalizing this. You were happy to be removed from your abusive parents but now you are fighting to go back to an abusive boyfriend?

'I just dont find spineless women attractive, you're too sensitive and emotional.'' You let everyone take advantage of you, including me by being too nice','You very obviously love me, but to me this was just a stupid relationship-move on'

Your self esteem is damaged. Even he is telling you that you are a doormat and that you let him walk all over you. It's not attractive to anyone. You really have to work on yourself. I don't know why you said the therapist is not working but you need to find one that fits you. I had to go through 5 before I found the one. What are you doing for yourself versus sitting and moping? Do you workout andif not, why not start a workout plan? Do you have hobbies? Do you have a cause that you are passionate about and would like to volunteer and help the unfortunate? Do you have friends to go out with? Do you have a class, maybe a learn a new language, something that will allow you to dive in and get distracted? What are you doing to fill that void within you?

You miss what you had with him. You miss that feeling of having someone that gave you those "feel good" feelings. You're romantisizing the good parts and holding on to that. And no matter what bad he did to you, you still have a loving attachment to him because that is just who you are. But it will fade as time goes by. But sitting and letting time go by won't help you unless you do something with that time.

Life is cruel. True. You have a choice though. You can choose to let a bad situation turn into a worse one. Or you can turn this bad situation into sign that you must start loving and caring for yourself first, before you do anyone else.

I came from an abusive family. Physically, verbally and emotionally. My ex was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. It can tear your self-esteem to shreds and leave you empty and dead inside. Find a good therapist. Try a few out. Don't pick one and say I'm done because it's not working for you. Start focusing on developing YOU. You know you're broken from what you've experienced as a child and into adulthood so you know you have a lot of work to be done. Knowing that you want to go back to an abusive relationship is a sign that you are prone to repeating the "this is all know" patterns. You must fight. You must not sit there and let another abusive person take over your life. I don't know how to make you see but what you are crying and pining over is nothing more than a manipulator. A cruel and heartless person who does not deserve you or any kind soul to cross his path. No one should treat you that way, especially someone whom you claim was a best friend. Best friends or lovers, past or present, sincere to the friendship and love that they had/have for you, will never treat you that way.

You must fight for yourself. No one else will.

Awesome reply...Seriously GG you need to abandon what you are doing and get into counselling. I will be your first client. Say 4 bucks an hour fair?

July 12, 2011

You must fight for yourself. No one else will.

Not going to lie, you just made me cry.

Bah.. the posters above.. thank you so much for your insight... I cant count the times he called me a doormat.

The reason i feel like I keep going back is because I feel like I did something wrong? Like how can I be so nice and caring and turn someone who was initially so kind to me into such a monster?

July 12, 2011

What I mean is..

How did I go from having an amazing friend who protected me from my parents, to someone who would say things like 'I find you repulsive', 'I find other women way more attractive than you','I love you the way I love my dog'...

A few days after he'd apologize and feel bad for what he said and I guess I developed the ability to forgive people no matter what they said to me to cope or survive.

July 12, 2011

Good god woman, don't you realize your ex is a total douche!? You gotta grow that spine he finds so attractive and tell this jackass to f**k off. I'm so sorry you dated such a ridiculous tool for so many years. Unfortunately many of us do (mine was for 5 years) and thank god something put an end to it! Now you have the ability to live a sane existence as a normal human being with a normal human partner and not waste anymore of your time on this pathetic ego-vampire. Don't ever call him again, not even for the money he owes you (unless it's over a couple hundred or something). I promise you, one year from now you won't miss a damn thing about this guy.

July 12, 2011

What I mean is..

How did I go from having an amazing friend who protected me from my parents, to someone who would say things like 'I find you repulsive', 'I find other women way more attractive than you','I love you the way I love my dog'...

A few days after he'd apologize and feel bad for what he said and I guess I developed the ability to forgive people no matter what they said to me to cope or survive.

This amazing friend would have carried on being an amazing friend if that is who he truly is as a person. A kind person doesn't change into a monster. A kind heart will always be a kind heart and even when it is abused and hurt, it will be angry and vengeful for just a little while but it almost always goes back to being a kind heart again. They say people don't change. When they do change so drastically from this to that, most likely who you are dealing months later is the true nature of that person. What you probably saw in the beginning was a facade. People put forward their best face when getting into an R. When they want to attract a mate. Like the male peacock showing off his feathers to attract the female. So this person that treated you so cruelly, is who he really is.

July 12, 2011

Awesome reply...Seriously GG you need to abandon what you are doing and get into counselling. I will be your first client. Say 4 bucks an hour fair?

I'll give you the young jedi rate of $1.75 an hour.

July 12, 2011

I guess I developed the ability to forgive people no matter what they said to me to cope or survive.

It's not the ability to forgive but it's your need to be accepted and validated by those that manipulate you. That's why no matter what anyone does to you, you will lay like a doormat and say it is ok, confusing that as "forgiveness".

If someone does something bad to you, you can/may forgive but you will also know to keep boundaries to protect yourself and stay away from what you know is abusive behavior.

You didn't forgive him. You just accepted it and swept it all under the rug because you were too afraid to lose him.

July 14, 2011

:bunny:Dont Worry. GO NC and heal

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I can barely function from the pain of this breakup. What do I do?

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