Say something or let it lie?

[sunshinegirl]

My very first boyfriend was a guy who behaved very poorly toward me, especially toward the end of the relationship (was extremely self-centered in everyday interactions, made me feel it was all my fault that we didn't work, told me I should see a therapist, dumped me during finals week in grad school, etc.). It took me *forever* to get over him, and early on I could have recited a litany of cruelties that I had dissected ad nauseum in my journals.

 

About a year later, he came out of the closet. I found out that he is gay indirectly, contacted him (in shock) after over a year of no contact, and we got together for an hour-long conversation where he explained what had happened. Funnily enough, he still managed to be kind of a jerk to me in that conversation, and never offered a word of acknowledgment, let alone apology, for some of the insensitive ways he had behaved toward me. One simple "Gosh, clearly I was struggling with my sexuality while we were together, and I'm sorry for what I put you through" would have been sufficient, but I got nothing. It's like he was literally blind or had amnesia about our relationship.

 

Those events all went down over ten years ago and I've long since moved on relationship-wise. However, I've never forgotten his poor behavior and lack of apology.

 

We run in the same professional circles and so I see him every year or so at our company holiday party. We're civil to each other, although each year when I see him I have the fleeting thought of "jerk" and a vague feeling of non-closure. I've never raised our past with him.

 

Now, however, I have been invited to a party in honor of said ex-boyfriend; it is being organized by one of his assistants. It has become a tribute of some sort for the guy, with the assistant asking all of us invitees (including me, even though I declined the party invitation of a month ago) to create a short video montage saying how great we think EXB is. These clips will be compiled into a funny, sentimental, moving montage for EXB to be shown during the party.

 

HERE'S MY QUESTION: After 10 years of sporadically seeing EXB and having that vague feeling of non-closure every time we interact, should I use this video project as an opening to finally say something to EXB after all of these years? To be clear I'm not saying I would create a video finally venting my side of things (though that crossed my evil little mind) but instead contacting EXB with "Hey, Toby emailed me about the video project, and this seemed a good time to explain to you why I will not be participating in it." However, I'm not really interested in rehashing the past, and I don't see a way of avoiding that b/c EXB is not likely to leave whatever I say alone.

 

The more obvious choice is to continue to "let it lie" but something about that feels unsatisfying too, because I'm going to keep having that "jerk" reaction when I see him at our holiday parties.

 

Thoughts? Advice? Similar experiences? Thanks for any and all input!

[cerridwen]

I don't believe in leaving things unsaid.

You sound very grounded and clear about the whole thing. An emotional meltdown/blow up is just not something I'm hearing could happen.

Given that, say what you need to say.

I've never left business unfinished with an ex and my emotional health is better for it.

 

However, you WILL need to rehash the past if only to give your explanation context. If full closure's to be obtained, there's no avoiding it.

Think you have the energy?

[sunshinegirl]

I don't believe in leaving things unsaid.

You sound very grounded and clear about the whole thing. An emotional meltdown/blow up is just not something I'm hearing could happen.

Given that, say what you need to say.

I've never left business unfinished with an ex and my emotional health is better for it.

 

However, you WILL need to rehash the past if only to give your explanation context. If full closure's to be obtained, there's no avoiding it.

Think you have the energy?

 

It's a good question; I'm not sure. I really have forgotten most of the details, and am left with the overall icky, hurt feeling. It'll be hard to rehash much of our history when I can't recall specifics. But then perhaps that's good, so we don't get bogged down in arguing over whether Action X or Y was insensitive.

 

To be honest, some part of me feels that I will lose a bit of "power" if I tell him how much he hurt me and that, raising it 10 years later, I obviously still carry some of it with me. Yuck.

[sm1tten]

Were it me, I would hold my tongue and let it lie; to me, this might have been appropriate when you spoke with him a year later, but years later, I don't know. Obviously I don't know the details of what happened in that relationship or why you haven't quite moved past it emotionally but I don't think that the fleeting (if indeed it is fleeting) feeling that he is a "jerk" is necessarily a bad thing or one that needs to be dealt with.

 

I generally think of closure as a nice and neat thing that rarely happens and it's not something I need to move on, but your mileage may vary.

[Forever Learning]

I don't believe in leaving things unsaid.

You sound very grounded and clear about the whole thing. An emotional meltdown/blow up is just not something I'm hearing could happen.

Given that, say what you need to say.

I've never left business unfinished with an ex and my emotional health is better for it.

 

However, you WILL need to rehash the past if only to give your explanation context. If full closure's to be obtained, there's no avoiding it.

Think you have the energy?

 

i agree! it's obviously bothering you.

 

let's get this show on the road!

 

call him up today and get this stuff off your chest.

 

not in a raving lunatic fashion, but in a calm, direct, authentic fashion. and mentally prepare yourself beforehand. this guy probably won't ever say sorry or even understand what the heck your even talking about. don't worry about that. he might not be in the same place as you in life, or he might never be one who takes responsibility for his actions. he might even tell you your crazy for having called. oh well. doesn't matter. all that matters is you finally got this stuff out of your system and you can then move on. get 'er done! and then you won't have these questions bugging you for the next 10 years. I've been there, I do understand how annoying that can be. good luck.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi Sm1tten, thanks for your input. I am annoyed with myself that I have any kind of reaction at all ("jerk") at this stage... shouldn't I be at indifference by now? I am happily married, so it's not a feeling that has hampered my life in any meaningful way. Maybe the forced contact every so often is like picking at a scab, so it hasn't ever fully healed?

 

Now that I think about it, EXB has made a few efforts to be friendly in recent years - he emailed me congratulations when I got married; he emailed me when he heard I had cancer, wishing me well. He definitely has no ill will toward me; the problem is I have some ill will toward him, possibly because I never said my piece.

 

If I were never to see him again, who cares, I'd let it go. It's the yearly picking-at-the-scab sightings at the holiday parties that might well annoy me indefinitely if I don't say anything.

[sunshinegirl]

Okay, so for the time being I am not going to raise the matter. If the video is a surprise for Bob, I don't want to ruin that with my wet blanket sentiments. Re: the video montage, I just emailed Toby: "Hi Toby, That's a really thoughtful gesture on your part. I won't be participating for a variety of reasons, but wish you the best in your efforts to honor EXB. I'm sure he'll love it."

 

Perhaps after the party, and/or if Toby passes along my email to EXB, I can take up again the question of whether I want to have the conversation.

[cerridwen]

Okay, so for the time being I am not going to raise the matter. If the video is a surprise for Bob, I don't want to ruin that with my wet blanket sentiments. Re: the video montage, I just emailed Toby: "Hi Toby, That's a really thoughtful gesture on your part. I won't be participating for a variety of reasons, but wish you the best in your efforts to honor EXB. I'm sure he'll love it."

 

Perhaps after the party, and/or if Toby passes along my email to EXB, I can take up again the question of whether I want to have the conversation.

 

I agree with FL who agrees with me!!

 

I respect how you handled it sunshinegirl. Trust your instincts. If this felt like the right move, good for you.

Post again if the issue resurfaces. I'm interested to learn how it's resolved.

 

Best to you.

[Zapbasket]

Hey SSG!

 

I think your decision to hold off for now is a good one.

 

I understand your desire to put things to rest by being up front about how his past behavior made you feel. Especially when you see him periodically and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

 

You should ask yourself before you act whether you believe, in your gut, that exb is someone who is basically decent at heart, someone who is capable of self-reflection and seeks self-improvement...or whether he is someone to whom "once a jerk, always a jerk" applies. If he is the former, then it's a worthwhile "investment" of energy to address the past with him, because once he truly understands how his negative behaviors made you feel, you will likely get an apology for it, a handshake / hug and be able to move forward as genuinely friendly acquaintances.

 

A good indicator of where this guy falls is in how your previous conversation about the relationship went with him. He didn't apologize even while he acknowledged he was grappling with some tough issues while you were dating. Is that absence of an apology indicative of a "jerk" factor, or did he perhaps not fully understand the hurt he caused you? That's the question you need to answer as you grapple with what to do.

 

I'm like you in that I like to put all my cards on the table. But as I keep painfully learning, there are people who just will never get it, and it doesn't matter how many years pass. Those people aren't worth the energy of forthrightness.

 

Of course, the paradox in that is that you never know what will get through to someone and what kind of growth and change they're capable of, until you risk putting it all out there. As another poster suggested, a good guideline is perhaps whether you actually HAVE the energy at your disposal at any given time to take that risk.

 

I'm sure you'll take the action that feels most right for you

[iJester]

Has it crossed your mind that maybe the treatment wasn't just because he was gay or struggling with sexuality. Maybe he's just not a nice person(or wasn't at the time) and just doesn't care how he behaved and made you feel.

 

After 10 years you want to coerce an apology out of him? What good does that do? Who knows, maybe he will apologize for everything, but I just see it as being a moot point, now. That's just me though, and I'm not in the situation, but you definitely should address it outside of work.